Falling In Love... With My Best Friend

LegacyUser

Registered User going unreg'd for this one. I'm also going to change some fundamental details about myself and my story as some of the people concerned use boards.ie and needless to say it would devastate my life if they ever found out about this.

I'm a 24 year old male, currently living in <modsnip>. I'm a college graduate, and I have a full-time job and also a small part time job to just help me get some extra cash.

I have recently moved out of my parents home (situated in <modsnip>) and moved into a house share with 3 other lads, all of whom I would consider to be very, very close friends. One of them (let's call him Chris) would be my 'best' friend. We're incredibly close. We spend an awful lot of time together, we work together, we share so many interests and so on. People have commented that we are like clones! We are that similar.

I have also long acknowledged the harsh fact that I am a closeted bisexual or possibly even homosexual. I have never had any sexual contact with other men (I have had a few girlfriends and have had 'normal' sexual relations with women), but I often watch gay pornography and have recently begun using gay chat rooms.

The problem lies in this; I have in the past few months, grown more and more attracted and close to Chris. I am falling in love. I am so concerned about him, I worry about him when he isn't feeling well, I would do anything for him and I basically am in love with him. Also, I am kidding myself believing that there is a chance with him, because he has not had a girlfriend in a very long time (and might be like myself, hiding it), but I am pretty sure he is straight.

I'm also not the most attractive person in the world (but I'm not hideously ugly or anything like that; slightly overweight), and I don't think he'd be remotely interested, even if he was gay.

This is absolutely killing me inside. I cannot be happy and I am chasing a pipe dream that I know so well cannot possibly ever work. I love his friendship so much, we are almost like brothers, and if I admitted my feelings (or if I horrifically attempted to act upon them) it would undoubtedly ruin that friendship and I would be worse off than I am now, in my opinion.

I have cried and cried myself to sleep so many nights just thinking about what I want that I can never have and that I know that happiness might never come my way. I don't even think about sexual things when I think of Chris; I just think about hugging him, holding him and loving him and that love being reciprocated.

In all honesty, people, what the hell can I do??? This is tearing me apart and I cannot feel happy at all. Thank you for your replies....

LegacyUser

If you can afford to, I'd strongly advise you to move out. If this were just a casual acquaintance it wouldn't be all that bad, but you know nothing is going to happen between yourself and Chris and living with him isn't going to help you to get over it. (And even if he were gay, you're best friends. There's no guarantee he'd be comfortable with anything happening even then.)

You don't need to cut him out of your life entirely, I think, but you definitely need your own space. What would concern me most of all about this is that you're stopping yourself from finding a happy, workable relationship... I think you know that the longer you dwell on this, the more you'll regret it in future.

Turtwig

OP I sympathise with you for the awful position your in and unfortunately there isn't really an easy solution.

If you are gay or bi, then you really need to come out about it. If you love him then you need to tell it him, it may be destroy you, but inaction will definitely destroy you.

For what's it worth though, having a relationship (homo or hetero) with a best/close friend usually never works the way people anticipate it and ends up doing more harm to the friendship in the long run.

Either way, I really wish you well here.

Elle Collins

I sympathise and wish you well also, but if your friend is straight he is straight and no amount of crying or wishing the situation different is going to make it so. I think you would be very unkind to yourself to continue with that line of thinking when it could only lead to further hurt.

Miss Fluff

I think a lot of the angst and upset and tears probably stems from this big secret (being gay) that you have chosen to keep hidden away. Why have you not come out? Does anyone know?

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the replies so far, and they have really been what I expected and have actually made me realise further what I already know anyway.

To the poster who asked why I've not come out... it's simple: fear. I am simply not brave enough to risk all that I have to come out. I fear rejection, being outcast and being alone. I don't think that my parents would be terribly enamoured with the idea (I'm an only child and they have said several times that they can't wait for the day when I have kids and they can be grandparents), I can't think that many of my friends would be terribly comfortable with the idea and my housemates... I don't think they'd be terribly happy either, if I'm to be honest.

I slept on it last night, and I feel a little better today, but I am still feeling very depressed about the situation.

But if I'm also to be perfectly honest, this kind of thing has happened in the past to me; extreme attraction and affection for a male friend who I've become very close to, but it has passed within a few months. This could be the same thing, and it might pass. But I don't know.

I know I shouldn't probably judge people about their possible reactions to my sexuality, but I know from experience from being with them and the derisory comments regarding gay people from many of them and generally perceiving all gays to be absolute sexual deviants ('back against the wall, lads! *snigger*'; those kind of remarks and so on). Their ideas about gay people are totally incorrect and insulting, but I don't think they'd change too much.

I also get 'playful' slagging in work sometimes about my being gay. These people do not know that I'm gay, but they just do it as a wind-up. It REALLY gets to me and it REALLY hurts me. This is what they're like when they think I'm straight... what will happen if I come out??? I'll be out of a job, most likely!

It's really a terrible thing, that the vast majority of my friends seem to think gay people and homosexuality should just be the butt of jokes and are open season for slagging.

This is why I have not come out and why am I very unlikely to in the near future.

Taltos

Few things OP.

Your original post is way too detailed - I am wondering if you intentionally put in so much personal information in the hope that someone would recognise you?

Your use of the adjective "harsh" in respect of being gay/bi - straight away that is the mindset you need to move away from - even if you were not gay I would be saying the same thing.

Fear - I am a good bit older than you and I can't remember the last time any of my work colleagues made such an immature reference to someone being gay. All it takes is for someone to take a stand or in some cases just walk away from children like that.

What to do about Chris...
Right now - as a poster above suggested you really need to move out. Being in such close contact is just messing your head up. Most especially as you are not sure about your own sexuality nor are you comfortable in your own skin.
What to do next - work on you. You need to find a way to come to terms initially in your own mind with who you are and how you look - OK you might not be a George Clooney - but who is? Surely there are traits about you that are attractive - that is what you focus on when you are low - remind yourself about your strengths. In terms of fitness/weight - start slowly - eat healthily and find and activity that you enjoy - in a short space of time you will look fitter and even better your confidence will be on the rise.

Do you ever tell Chris? You know - none of us can answer this - we don't really know the dynamics. I would hope at some point you could share with him your orientation - who knows at that point - whatever you do though take it slowly - don't blurt out to the guy that you love him.

You are always going to meet prats and the ignorant who love to hate gays - but idiots like that just like to pick on anyone who is different - makes them feel better about their sh1tty lives.

Be safe - and maybe also find someone you can talk to - someone to help you resolve in your own mind what you want without fixating on a person. Until you are happy in your own head (or happier) would suggest you steer away from any relationships...

Miss Fluff

If this type of infatuation has happened before with a male friend and passed just as quickly then I'd be inclined not to act on it or say anything for now. No point in potentially causing a fall-out and being forced to perhaps come out publicly (if spurned and it was to turn nasty for example) until you are totally ready and do so by your own admission.

I think you would benefit enormously from reading some of the threads in this forum and getting some advice there re coming out

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=255

tinkerbell

If you wanna keep your friendship, you need to distance yourself from him. I suggest you move out since you are getting way too deep with your feelings.

Also, your post is ridiculously detailed - way too detailed. Why? If people you know use boards, do you want them to recognise you? I'd suggest you ask a mod to trim down your original post ....

LegacyUser

OP here...

Thanks to all for the concern, but in the first post, I mentioned that I changed a lot of details. Believe me, people who know me would be hard pressed to know it's me. The bare bones of the story is there, but all the other details are almost all changed and I am very confident that I would not be identified. Thanks for the concern tho.

As for how things are... I don't think I can just move out. If I move out, the price of everything for my friends would cripple them. And I don't want to move out without a good reason (I know I probably have a VERY good reason, but it's not one that I want to have to admit to!)

I think that posting here and seeing the advice has been theraputic so far... It has been helpful to just see things in black and white has helped me see things, and I've been thinking long and hard... and I've not gotten as upset as I used to... I'm not sure. My head is more than a little messed up over this...

Thanks. More advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!!!

JonathanAnon

Agree on the detail.. Change it asap..

I also agree that you should move out,, It's not good for your mental health to be living with somebody for whom you have unrequited love (irrespective of whether you are gay or straight).... You are too close to the guy to see the forest for the trees right now.. .Once you have moved out, it will give you a better chance to get back control of your head and your feelings.. And then reassess how you really feel about this guy..

Otis Driftwood

OP,Ive removed specific details about you ie where you are living or where your parents live.It is not necessary to include them in your posts as they have no bearing on your situation.

Logical Fallacy

Hmmm....i have to be honest here, i am unsure if you really love this guy or if he has just become a symbol of a lot of things that you want.

Not meaning to undermine what is obviously a very strong feeling for you but there is a chance you are attaching feelings of acceptance and assumptions of happiness to your feelings for your friend which are bolstering your attraction to him.

I think perhaps your feelings are so strong because it is, in effect, a "safe" way for you to be gay. Without painting with too broad a brush i find it interesting that you say you don't think about him in a sexual way, when attraction on the level you are feeling and sexual desire will often go hand in hand.

I really do believe that this is a manifestation of your desire to feel secure and comfortable in your sexuality...it seems to me to be more about acceptance than anything else.

OP, i suggest you explore your sexuality in a way that you feel suits you best, but i think getting hung up on your friend may actually be stopping you from doing that.