Friends with the ex

Ellen33

Hi everyone would love some advice on this situation I am in as I just don't know what to think. As the title suggests the issue is with my boyfriend and his friendship with his ex girlfriend, which has my head wrecked!
They split up last year but have stayed friends and as far as I can see are still very close.This really bothers me and I hate being jealous but it really gets me how how involved she is with him even though I'm on the scene. My relationship with him is really good we get on great, I am mad about him and him about me but I can't get past this! He tells me I have nothing to worry about but I am not so sure anymore.

Recently she went through a bad patch with a boyfriend and was on the phone crying to my boyfriend about her broken heart. I don't understand why he still entertains this when she has loads of other friends to offload on.

What is most upsetting is the next installment. He went out with all his friends for one of the lads birthdays (this girl the ex is in the group and was there). He got really drunk and rang me the next morning telling me he had slept in the same bed as his ex but nothing happened. I am devastated and don't know what to think. Either he is cheating on me with her or is innocently friends with her - but what are the chances of that??

He has been ringing me all day telling me nothing happened and he has no interest in her but I can't figure it out. I must be some fool. My head is wrecked with images of him touching her and her cuddled up beside him.

I would like to hear any thoughts on what I should do.

Thanks x

LegacyUser

you are entitled to feel upset by that- i know that if my boyfriend slept in the same bed as another girl (even if he said nothing happened) i would be so pissed off! never mind an ex, it just adds fuel to the fire!

if you think beyond any reasonable doubt that he is telling the truth, then talk to him and explain that you're not comfortable with it at all and that he needs to give more respect to your relationship.

sleeping in the same bed as an ex is not appropriate behaviour for a boyfriend, was it really that difficult to find a couch, or floor or another bed to sleep in- what the hell was going on that that was the only option available to him?

jesus im even pissed off with your boyfriend and i dont even know the guy!!

Katgurl

Ellen33 wrote: »

Hi everyone would love some advice on this situation I am in as I just don't know what to think. As the title suggests the issue is with my boyfriend and his friendship with his ex girlfriend, which has my head wrecked!
They split up last year but have stayed friends and as far as I can see are still very close.This really bothers me and I hate being jealous but it really gets me how how involved she is with him even though I'm on the scene. My relationship with him is really good we get on great, I am mad about him and him about me but I can't get past this! He tells me I have nothing to worry about but I am not so sure anymore.

Recently she went through a bad patch with a boyfriend and was on the phone crying to my boyfriend about her broken heart. I don't understand why he still entertains this when she has loads of other friends to offload on.

What is most upsetting is the next installment. He went out with all his friends for one of the lads birthdays (this girl the ex is in the group and was there). He got really drunk and rang me the next morning telling me he had slept in the same bed as his ex but nothing happened. I am devastated and don't know what to think. Either he is cheating on me with her or is innocently friends with her - but what are the chances of that??

He has been ringing me all day telling me nothing happened and he has no interest in her but I can't figure it out. I must be some fool. My head is wrecked with images of him touching her and her cuddled up beside him.

I would like to hear any thoughts on what I should do.

Thanks x

Yuck - I don't envy you suffering those images.

Firstly it really doesn't sound like he cheated or anything took place between them. But he's your boyfriend so trust your instincts.

Secondly, it's still not ok. You need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him, calmly, that they're post breakup closeness may have worked in the past but you feel it is undermining your own relationship. Sharing the bed is absolutely out of order and he needs to take it as an indicator that things need to change. If he's unprepared to take steps or dismisses your viewpoint on this, I personally would be giving him p45. You should be his priority now.

Thirdly, how are things between you and the ex? Are you friendly at all? I myself think I've been guilty of leaning on my ex too much - phoning him with broken heart etc, mainly because I trusted his judgement and felt so relaxed with him. However, he now has a serious girlfriend for first time in years so as soon as I heard that I made decision to back off.

Apart from this bedsharing incident, what specifically bothers you about their friendship?

LegacyUser

I've been in this situation before and I also couldn't handle it. I blamed myself. I talked to close friends and they told me it was my personal insecurity that was the problem, not the fact that my bf was discussing every private matter with his ex and was her shoulder to cry on. The sharing a bed when drunk thing also happened and it took a little while more for me to wake up and get out.

People can say what they like about being friends with exes, but for me, I want my boyfriend for myself, I don't want him confiding and being confided in by someone he used to share a bed with. I don't want him thinking it's appropriate to share a bed with her again after a drunken night. I don't want to share my man with his ex.
That may make me selfish, but the best thing I ever did was to get out of the relationship, and of course as soon as I did, the information started flowing from others about 'lads nights out' where his ex was there, drunken kisses shared, her groping him in a pub in front of everyone, and I was left with no doubt that she'd been having sex with him also, though no-one saw that first hand.

I found a man who does not keep in touch with exes and our relationship has been perfect for 2 years now.

Surprisingly, my former boyfriend was back with his ex publicly 2 weeks later, texting me constantly to say that nothing had been going on while we were together. He still sends me flirty texts from time to time, trying his chances. I've never yet replied to him and I don't plan to start feeding his ego.

There are enough difficulties in relationships without having to deal with his past creeping around the place and being in your face.

OP, don't waste any more of your time. If he values this woman's 'friendship' and company that much, let him have her again.

Ellen33

Thank's so much for the replies, it's great to get some outside perspective on this.

iamaguest - I asked him that exact question how was it that he had to sleep in a bed with her of all places. He said he was so drunk and didn't really think about it. I know is if the roles were reversed he would not be too impressed with me cosying up to my ex in a bed drunk, or falling into his arms whenever I am upset or broken hearted etc.

Katgurl - My relationship with her is okay. I wouldn't call us friends but we are civil for his sake. I would never tell him who he can be friends with I am not that bad but I would love him to see things from my point of view. As I said above he would not be happy if the shoe was on the other foot.

There is just something about his friendship with her that I can't put my finger on; I feel like his whole face lights up when she comes in to the room and he would still do anything for her. That is how nice he is.
Recently she was on a night out and rang him saying she had ended up on her own and didn't feel safe, he goes out and brings her home safely. Is this weird?
I know I must sound crazy jealous but sleeping in a bed with your ex teamed with everything else would probably suggest to others that he could still love her. This bed thing - old habits die hard do you think it's possible he slept with her? :(

LegacyUser

He's a headwrecker, leave him off. There is never a viable reason to sleep in your ex's bed (unless you started going with him/her again)

I am a friend

Ellen33 wrote: »

I feel like his whole face lights up when she comes in to the room and he would still do anything for her.

I dont like the sound of this i.e. that he face lights up...

Ellen33 wrote: »

Recently she was on a night out and rang him saying she had ended up on her own and didn't feel safe, he goes out and brings her home safely. Is this weird?

Where was she? Could she not get a taxi? What time was this at?

Ellen33

I am a friend wrote: »

I dont like the sound of this i.e. that he face lights up...


Where was she? Could she not get a taxi? What time was this at?

Now this could be me being paranoid but yeah still ..


It was fairly late about half 12 or 1. She had been out in town - no idea why she didn't get a taxi I think she said she didn't have the cash and didn't feel safe on her own

I am a friend

I am a friend wrote: »

Well I do say trust your gut…. I went out with a guy years ago (15+) and when we split up we met other people. He married, I was engaged, they came to parties at our house, I was invited to his wedding (couldn’t go), got presents for them when their kids were born and saw them for a night out maybe once a year. You get the picture…. Friends…..



His wife (now ex) was always wary of me because he & I got on so well but nothing ever happened between us, even flirting, while they were together. I always remember that I used to miss him / not like saying goodbye to him / feel sorry that I wouldn’t see him for a while, when we’d meet up but didn’t think any more of it.



In truth, I still liked him but blanked it out cos he was with someone and the same happened with him but we both wanted (unknown to the other one) to stay friends so as to have that person in our lives on some level…



Another friend of mine got back with her ex after 2 years apart, they saw other people and are now moving in together....



I am not saying your OH has unresolved feelings for their ex but I did…. They split, we met again last year and we are now having our first baby and we are so happy… Trust your gut.

I posted this recently on another thread and while I dont want you to panic, I do want you to think and trust your own gut... None of the stuff you described was going on between me and my ex...

It sounds dodgy and to be honest, it sounds like something is brewing if it hasnt happened apready....

Ellen33

Thank's for the reply. I am trying to work it all out in my head.

What do you think sounds the most dodgy - the bed incident? Do you think something has happened or is happening from what you have read.

I know I will get honest opinions on here and that is what I need right now

I am a friend

Ellen33 wrote: »

What do you think sounds the most dodgy - the bed incident? Do you think something has happened or is happening from what you have read.

I can’t say if something IS happening but I would not like my OH to be at the same lark… When you separate each instance it doesn’t sound too bad but when you get the full picture, it sounds very suss to me anyway…. There is no excuse for sharing a bed on top of him getting out of his bed (probably) at 1 am to collect her from town… It’s all a bit too convenient.

If nothing has happened yet, it does sound like there are unresolved feelings there on both sides…

What is your gut telling you? What are your friends telling you?

Ellen33

My gut (and this is all rose tinted glasses aside) tells me that nothing has happened. He is such a caring, protective person that he would help anyone in need. Everything looks very suspicous I have told him, there is no doubt about that. I also feel that he definitely is drawn to this girl still which is very hurtful to me.

My friends know him very well, and through others know his ex girlfriend. They have told me I have every right to be upset and jealous but that nothing has happened as of yet anyway. They think she is making a play for him and wants him back, which wouldn't surprise me. He is gorgeous and is a fantastic person. The only problem is he's mine

Abrean

Ok Ellen33 I'm also coming from a situation where my boyfriend is friends with his ex, like yours they share friends etc, I feel so sorry for you, your head must be absolutely wrecked understandably, I know if my boyfriend shared a bed with his ex I think that would be it for me, id never be able to get the images out of my head, it would ruin the relationship, Im dont think id even be comfortable with them sleeping in the same house let alone bed, but that says more about my insecurities than anything else... we dont know your boyfriend only you do, do you think he could have cheated? As I am a friend said whats your gut instinct on this?
Also even if he didnt, will you be able to get over these images in your head, is this going to drive you mad and cause problems that way?

It sounds like you've had an awful lot to deal with up to now, yes ok they're friends but why does she need to call him crying, does she not have other friends she can lean on, I think thats very inappropriate and couldnt take it myself, in fact it's something i'm afraid will happen to me because I know it would drive me mad!

And as for him getting up in the middle of the night to drive her home, well why is he her first port of call, does she not have family and closer friends who would be more than willing to do that, again this strikes me as very inappropriate.

I dont think any of us can tell you for sure if anything is or isnt happening between them unfortunately, we can only comment on what you tell us, I think it all sounds very dodgy though.

I am a friend

Ellen33 wrote: »

He .... is a fantastic person.

Is he?? He is getting into a bed with his ex... Thats not that fantastic... I also think it would be a deal breaker for me tbh...

If you decide not to finsih with him you will have to watch them like a hawk - do you want to live like that?

Ellen33

Abrean wrote: »

Ok Ellen33 I'm also coming from a situation where my boyfriend is friends with his ex, like yours they share friends etc, I feel so sorry for you, your head must be absolutely wrecked understandably, I know if my boyfriend shared a bed with his ex I think that would be it for me, id never be able to get the images out of my head, it would ruin the relationship, Im dont think id even be comfortable with them sleeping in the same house let alone bed, but that says more about my insecurities than anything else... we dont know your boyfriend only you do, do you think he could have cheated? As I am a friend said whats your gut instinct on this?
Also even if he didnt, will you be able to get over these images in your head, is this going to drive you mad and cause problems that way?

It sounds like you've had an awful lot to deal with up to now, yes ok they're friends but why does she need to call him crying, does she not have other friends she can lean on, I think thats very inappropriate and couldnt take it myself, in fact it's something i'm afraid will happen to me because I know it would drive me mad!

And as for him getting up in the middle of the night to drive her home, well why is he her first port of call, does she not have family and closer friends who would be more than willing to do that, again this strikes me as very inappropriate.

I dont think any of us can tell you for sure if anything is or isnt happening between them unfortunately, we can only comment on what you tell us, I think it all sounds very dodgy though.

Hi Abrean - thank's for your reply. I hope the situation with your boyfriend doesn't go the way mine has.
As for the bed situation - that was a huge blow for me. I was thinking of the two of the there together "just like old times". He was really drunk and said he didn't think about it at the time, he just went asleep. I don't think he cheated he keeps telling me nothing happened, that he has no romantic interest in her etc. However, that doesn't stop me thinking what if? Did he cuddle up to her the way he does with me, did he touch her the way he touches me ...
I asked him how he would feel if I shared a bed drunk with my ex and he said it would kill him. In fact if I was carrying on like this (innocently or not) with my ex he would not have it he would flip.

What I can say is that he is naturally very protective and caring and that is the only logic reasoning I have for him picking her up that one time. He said if it was me in there unsafe on my own he would want someone to look after me (if he wasn't available). He is not a player or a womaniser as long as I know him. That is why this behaviour is so confusing to me.

Ex s who are friends are not like normal friends they have been through too much.

Ellen33

I am a friend wrote: »

Is he?? He is getting into a bed with his ex... Thats not that fantastic... I also think it would be a deal breaker for me tbh...

If you decide not to finsih with him you will have to watch them like a hawk - do you want to live like that?

If I do finish with him what am I to say - you stayed in a bed with your ex. He is just going to say yeah nothing happened.

If nothing has been happening I don't want to lose him

I am a friend

Ellen33 wrote: »

If nothing has been happening I don't want to lose him

I know pet and thats the problem... He is putting himself in situations which make you doubt him and the relationship... Your options are to end it or draw up some boundaries for them and get him to agree. If he then breaches these boundaries I would walk...

Does he really think all thsi is normal carry on for ex's???

Ellen33

I am a friend wrote: »

I know pet and thats the problem... He is putting himself in situations which make you doubt him and the relationship... Your options are to end it or draw up some boundaries for them and get him to agree. If he then breaches these boundaries I would walk...

Does he really think all thsi is normal carry on for ex's???

I totally see your point. At the end of the day if it's not acceptable for me to do then it shouldn't be acceptable for him to do it.

He just says the fact that she is an ex doesn't matter. He has no romantic interest in her and they are just friends.

Forever Hopeful

Ellen33 wrote: »

I totally see your point. At the end of the day if it's not acceptable for me to do then it shouldn't be acceptable for him to do it.

He just says the fact that she is an ex doesn't matter. He has no romantic interest in her and they are just friends.

Hey OP, I was going mad reading this thread. You have the patience of a saint and seem like a very sound girl. Your BF needs to get a grip and stop being a doormat for this girl and she needs to back off. Only he can tell her that and follow up with his actions.
Even if they never went out before, its still not right. It sounds like you already have had this conversation but what if the shoe was on the other foot. Is there one rule for him and another for you? I'm so mad OP (for you, and at her!) :mad:

Ellen33

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Hey OP, I was going mad reading this thread. You have the patience of a saint and seem like a very sound girl. Your BF needs to get a grip and stop being a doormat for this girl and she needs to back off. Only he can tell her that and follow up with his actions.
Even if they never went out before, its still not right. It sounds like you already have had this conversation but what if the shoe was on the other foot. Is there one rule for him and another for you? I'm so mad OP (for you, and at her!) :mad:

Hi thank's for the reply. I don't know why he feels like he has to look after her she's a big girl she could look after herself if she wanted to. Why does he have to be the knight in shining armour every time ..

If the shoe was on the other foot, he would not be happy. I have asked him this how would he feel if I was drunk and got into bed with my ex and fell asleep - he said he would flip and it would kill him. He is very protective and would hate for me to be in a situation like that, drunk or not. Ex boyfriend there or not

Elle Collins

How long were they both together OP and how long have you both been together now?

LegacyUser

Ellen33 wrote: »

Hi thank's for the reply. I don't know why he feels like he has to look after her she's a big girl she could look after herself if she wanted to. Why does he have to be the knight in shining armour every time ..

If the shoe was on the other foot, he would not be happy. I have asked him this how would he feel if I was drunk and got into bed with my ex and fell asleep - he said he would flip and it would kill him. He is very protective and would hate for me to be in a situation like that, drunk or not. Ex boyfriend there or not

I don't know why you're doubting your intuition at all! He slept in his exgirlfriend's bed, what more of a sign do you need that this guy does not treat you well, and will never treat you well?
Seriously, get rid of him. He's a user and will say whatever he can to get his own way and keep you on side. People like that do exist you know. Not everyone has a conscience.

Forever Hopeful

Ellen33 wrote: »

He is very protective and would hate for me to be in a situation like that, drunk or not. Ex boyfriend there or not

Is he saying that he is very protective and that's why he would go mad with worry about you instead of being jealous? What I mean is does he not see the morally wrong aspect of all this?
Like if you had slept in the same bed as an ex, he would go mad because he feared for your life as opposed to thinking they might have got it on?
Sorry I don't understand the last bit.

Ellen33

Elle Collins wrote: »

How long were they both together OP and how long have you both been together now?

They were together about nine months I think. We have been together just under a year

I am a friend

Ellen33 wrote: »

He just says the fact that she is an ex doesn't matter. He has no romantic interest in her and they are just friends.

Maybe in his mind....

OP, i would take some time to think about this. DOnt see him and tell him you want some time to yourself (not breaking up) to see how you feel and take a week or so to see how your gut is once you have had some space from him.

Are ye living toegtehr? Were you there the night he went in to get her?

Ellen33

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Is he saying that he is very protective and that's why he would go mad with worry about you instead of being jealous? What I mean is does he not see the morally wrong aspect of all this?
Like if you had slept in the same bed as an ex, he would go mad because he feared for your life as opposed to thinking they might have got it on?
Sorry I don't understand the last bit.

I'm not sure, I think he means he would hate for me to be in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. He also said if I had slept in the same bed as my ex that he would flip and he would hate it.

Ellen33

I am a friend wrote: »

Maybe in his mind....

OP, i would take some time to think about this. DOnt see him and tell him you want some time to yourself (not breaking up) to see how you feel and take a week or so to see how your gut is once you have had some space from him.

Are ye living toegtehr? Were you there the night he went in to get her?

I think that's what I will do, that's what I have been doing anyway taking some time to myself. He has been ringing me apologising and saying nothing happened and he loves me all that stuff ..

We don't live together but I think it is heading that way. Yeah I was there with him in his place, we were in bed when she rang

I am a friend

Ellen33 wrote: »

Yeah I was there with him in his place, we were in bed when she rang

I wouldnt be moving in with him for a long time or until I was sure he is kosher. Stall on that one.

I cannto believe he got out of bed with you to go pick up an ex. Totally unacceptable....

Abrean

Ellen33 wrote: »

Hi Abrean - thank's for your reply. I hope the situation with your boyfriend doesn't go the way mine has.
As for the bed situation - that was a huge blow for me. I was thinking of the two of the there together "just like old times". He was really drunk and said he didn't think about it at the time, he just went asleep. I don't think he cheated he keeps telling me nothing happened, that he has no romantic interest in her etc. However, that doesn't stop me thinking what if? Did he cuddle up to her the way he does with me, did he touch her the way he touches me ...
I asked him how he would feel if I shared a bed drunk with my ex and he said it would kill him. In fact if I was carrying on like this (innocently or not) with my ex he would not have it he would flip.

What I can say is that he is naturally very protective and caring and that is the only logic reasoning I have for him picking her up that one time. He said if it was me in there unsafe on my own he would want someone to look after me (if he wasn't available). He is not a player or a womaniser as long as I know him. That is why this behaviour is so confusing to me.

Ex s who are friends are not like normal friends they have been through too much.

I hope it doesnt either thanks Ellen, ok it kinda sounds like your boyfriend isnt really understanding the gravity of the situation fully, or your problem with it so I really think if you're going to go forward as a couple you'll have to sit him down and talk with him, really explain how you feel and how this has affected you and how it is affecting you both as a couple because if he cant cut out this kind of behaviour then youre going to have serious problems in the future, assuming you think you still have one .... I also think maybe you need to tell him what kind of behaviour with his ex you find acceptable and unacceptable, dont make it like an ultimatium of you cant do this but maybe telling him would help you get those images out of your head and stop you wondering about what else he could be doing with her.

You're so right when you say ex's who are friends are not like normal friends, they're not, like you say they've been through so much together, they've been intimate, how can you go back to being normal friends after all that, you just cant. Therefore I think there does need to be boundaries to a "friendship" like that if its going to exist at all.

LegacyUser

Abrean wrote: »

You're so right when you say ex's who are friends are not like normal friends, they're not, like you say they've been through so much together, they've been intimate, how can you go back to being normal friends after all that, you just cant.

Not true. Yeah you've been through a lot together but it's perfectly possible to get to a stage where you're just really good friends. I wouldn't say it happens a lot but it is possible! However, it is surprising for a relationship that only lasted 9 months. If they'd been together years and got to the point where they were more friends/brother and sister than lovers then it would make more sense. My ex and I ended up like that and he remains a very good friend several years later. We shared a bed for a month after we split (waiting for the lease to be up) and have shared tents since and NOTHING has happend between us. No cuddling, kissing, anything. Mind you, neither of us were in a relationship at the time and I wouldn't do the same again now that I'm seeing someone. Not because anything 'untoward' would happen, just because my boyf would not be happy about it. It's likely your boyfriend isn't up to anything in terms of cheating but he's definitely being disrespectful by doing something like sharing a bed with another girl while he's going out with you. Especially seeing as he knows you're unhappy with the situation. Also, going to rescue her because she's scared is ridiculous. I'm sure she has other friends she can call. As well as I get on with my ex, I wouldn't do that and nor would he unless in absolutely exceptional circumstances (alien invasion or the like). It sounds like she's taking advantage of his good nature. My ex and I have an agreement that as much as we want to remain friends we will have to respect the wishes of current/future partners if they're not happy with us meeting up, as it's perfectly understandable that someone might feel threatened by the situation. Your boyfriend has to realise that what he's doing is hurting you and he needs to set boundaries accordingly. For your part, I wouldn't assume that anything has happened between them that shouldn't have. However, if he isn't prepared to reduce contact out of respect to you then you have a problem.

LegacyUser

Wow... OP, I really think you're being taken for a fool here. Having read the whole thread, you seem like a lovely decent girl, and perhaps you don't see the situation so clearly being in the middle of it, but no matter how 'nice' this guy is, he has to know what he's doing to you isn't right.

My reading of this is he's taking total advantage, having the best of both worlds, probably still in love with his ex and I find it hard to believe he shared a bed with her without something happening.

He's found a woman who is willing to put up with him while he has the best of both worlds so he'll try and hang onto you another while. Hopefully you wake up and see what's going on here before you get really hurt, OP.

I'm not sure why girls put themselves in this situation, and allow themselves to be blinded by 'love'.

Get out now, OP.

Abrean

Abrean wrote: »

You're so right when you say ex's who are friends are not like normal friends, they're not, like you say they've been through so much together, they've been intimate, how can you go back to being normal friends after all that, you just cant.

You can if it's been long enough and with a good period of no contact at all.

However
this is a different story imo because of the line in the OP

He got really drunk and rang me the next morning telling me he had slept in the same bed as his ex but nothing happened.

now that is not on, it just isn't.

Ellen33

Thank's to everyone for the advice. It is great to get an outside perspective on the situation.
I have spoken to him and had it out about everything that has been going on. He swears nothing is going on and that he doesnt have any feelings for her. The bed thing a mistake etc .. He is actually very upset at me thinking he could have slept with her. Doesnt solve the problem though.

I do trust him but I don't trust her.
I told him how hurtful the behaviour towards her is and how it makes me question our own relationship. If he found me in a bed with my ex what would he think? Would he be able to brush it off and say oh they are just friends . Would he leave his bed to come and pick up me .. Brings out many insecurities that otherwise never existed before.

seenitall

Hi OP,

Head in the sand, much?

Ellen33 wrote: »

There is just something about his friendship with her that I can't put my finger on; I feel like his whole face lights up when she comes in to the room and he would still do anything for her. That is how nice he is.

The reason you can't put a finger on what's wrong here is because no doubt your b/f is gaslighting you and telling you porkies about how much he loves you. That's bound to be confusing when compared with his actual behaviour, but you should always go by the old adage of "Actions speak louder than words".

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. His face lights up for her, he'd do anything for her, he sleeps next to her, he gets up and goes to be her knight in shining armour in the middle of the night. That's usually called having a massive crush on someone, but you call it "nice" because you obviously don't want to face the truth. But the truth has a habit of hurting even more that way.

There is no way you are going to "reason" and "talk" this guy out of his crush on his ex. You are the safe girlfriend, and she is the forbidden fruit. The only way to change that dynamic is to dump his "nice" ass, make yourself the forbidden fruit, and find someone who will respect you enough not to embark on a similar charade with another woman.

Best wishes.

Abrean

Ok obviously agreeing to disagree with a couple of the people on the ex's to friends thing, which I just dont get because yes while I believe you can stay friendly, I just dont see how you could be proper full on friends, especially after a period of no contact, surely after that you're just done with each other, the idea of no contact is to get rid of those feelings no? Like I said I can see being genuinely friendly to each other for whatever reason but not true full on friends. But thats just me and not what this thread is about.

Ellen i'm glad you talked to him, dont listen to him telling you he's upset at you, you've done nothing wrong he has, you're reaction has been completely normal. When you were talking with him about this how is he reacting, is he understanding you and the hurt he's caused? Is he going to change his behaviour now that you've made him aware of it? or is he just going on the defensive.

Of course it's going to bring up many insecurities, it's making you think of a whole lot of things and scenarios that you might never have thought of before, try to put them to the back of your head though and not let them influence your rational thinking. Hard thing to do I know but overthinking them wont help.

Ellen33

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

Head in the sand, much?

Ellen33 wrote: »

There is just something about his friendship with her that I can't put my finger on; I feel like his whole face lights up when she comes in to the room and he would still do anything for her. That is how nice he is.

The reason you can't put a finger on what's wrong here is because no doubt your b/f is gaslighting you and telling you porkies about how much he loves you. That's bound to be confusing when compared with his actual behaviour, but you should always go by the old adage of "Actions speak louder than words".

Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. His face lights up for her, he'd do anything for her, he sleeps next to her, he gets up and goes to be her knight in shining armour in the middle of the night. That's usually called having a massive crush on someone, but you call it "nice" because you obviously don't want to face the truth. But the truth has a habit of hurting even more that way.

There is no way you are going to "reason" and "talk" this guy out of his crush on his ex. You are the safe girlfriend, and she is the forbidden fruit. The only way to change that dynamic is to dump his "nice" ass, make yourself the forbidden fruit, and find someone who will respect you enough not to embark on a similar charade with another woman.

Best wishes.

Hi seenitall, so hard to take when you put out straight like that. I hate thinking of myself as the nice girl, the safe girl. I feel like I shouldn't have to back down and give him back. So you reckon hes been sleeping with her

Ellen33

Abrean wrote: »

Ok obviously agreeing to disagree with a couple of the people on the ex's to friends thing, which I just dont get because yes while I believe you can stay friendly, I just dont see how you could be proper full on friends, especially after a period of no contact, surely after that you're just done with each other, the idea of no contact is to get rid of those feelings no? Like I said I can see being genuinely friendly to each other for whatever reason but not true full on friends. But thats just me and not what this thread is about.

Ellen i'm glad you talked to him, dont listen to him telling you he's upset at you, you've done nothing wrong he has, you're reaction has been completely normal. When you were talking with him about this how is he reacting, is he understanding you and the hurt he's caused? Is he going to change his behaviour now that you've made him aware of it? or is he just going on the defensive.

Of course it's going to bring up many insecurities, it's making you think of a whole lot of things and scenarios that you might never have thought of before, try to put them to the back of your head though and not let them influence your rational thinking. Hard thing to do I know but overthinking them wont help.

Hi he has been very understanding about everything I had said. He said he didnt realize how it had been effecting me and my thoughts on the relationship. According to him it is like she is "one of the lads" or so they say. He says he doesnt have feelings for her and wouldnt ever cheat on me, least of all with her someone all my friends know.

He has apologized sooo many times for the bed thing. I told him I dont trust her one bit

LegacyUser

You really aren't willing to accept that you are being messed around by your boyfriend, there is no point in saying any more to you.

I agree completely with seenitall's post.

You are behaving exactly like so many of the other women who come on here posting about their bf and gradually offering more information in each reply that completely sinks their boyfriend and reveals him to be a total monster, but you still strive to paint what a nice guy he is, and it's obvious you will stand by your man, no matter what.

seenitall

Ellen33 wrote: »

Hi seenitall, so hard to take when you put out straight like that. I hate thinking of myself as the nice girl, the safe girl. I feel like I shouldn't have to back down and give him back. So you reckon hes been sleeping with her

No, OP, I can't say I reckon that because there are not enough indications in your posts for me to start reckoning that.

The whole point of my post, though, was to try and get across to you that you have a bigger problem than a one-night-what-have-you that may or may not have happened between her and him. The bigger problem being your b/f seems to be carrying a torch for another girl. Really, is that good enough for you?

Also, it's not about backing down and giving him back. The guy is not a teddy bear that's being fought over between the two of you. He is a grown man who knows what he is doing, and what he's doing isn't very "nice", OP. You are being strung along for the ride.

It's about YOU and what kind of crap you will stand for in a supposedly devoted relationship. It's about you realising you are worth so much more than being the safe option, the second fiddle to the unattainable ex.

Everything will be alright, once you start caring about yourself more. (Most problems on this forum come down to that one piece of advice, and yours is one of them.)

LegacyUser

Ellen33 wrote: »

He is actually very upset at me thinking he could have slept with her.

HE'S UPSET AT YOU? Just read what you wrote again OP. If you slept in your ex boyfriend's bed (in all innocence guv!), went back to your boyfriend with your tail between your legs, would you get upset if he didn't believe nothing went on? You'd be so ashamed of yourself you'd never look him in the eye again, that's how you'd feel!

This is a motherf*ckin' huge red flag with feckin' bells on OP. If you can't see that he's taking you for a ride, you're in big trouble.

He has totally disregarded your feelings in this. He slept in his ex's bed yet HE is upset at YOU? You do not need a man like this in your life. He will cheat on you, he will make you doubt yourself (as we've already seen). Why oh why are you putting up with this shoddy treatment?

Esoteric_

Hi OP,

Like your boyfriend, my boyfriend is friends with his exes and is also the type of person that would get out of bed to go look after them and would basically do anything for them. He talks to one particular ex very regularly and helps her through her boyfriend troubles and such and while I don't particularly like this, I trust him and to be honest I trust her even though I don't know her (she lives ages away so we haven't met up yet but will be in a few months). I'm ok with him having a friendship with her and being willing to do anything for her or his other friends, but sleeping in the bed with her is COMPLETELY out of line.

I'd be miffed but would deal with my bf getting out of bed at night to pick her up, but I sure as hell wouldn't stick around if he slept in her bed. His two best friends are female and I would be fine with him sleeping in their beds because I've met them and have a very strong friendship with one of them, but sleeping in the bed with an ex or with a girl who isn't his best friend is completely different.

Regardless of how much he's apologized, he's bang out of order and you're being very silly to defend him tbh.

Starokan

My guess is he likes being needed and likes the fact that she depends on him. I would also say he probably enjoys the situation where he knows that you dont like whats happening.

It creates a drama where he is at the centre, it also gives him a measure of control over you.

Take back control , tell him its unacceptable to you the way he is behaving.

You dont have to ask him to cut her out of his life completely just to pull back a bit. In the relationship you should be his number 1 priority not her. He can hardly disagree when by his own admission it would kill him if you acted the same.

Ellen33

I am not defending him, I am just aiming to tell you what he has been saying about it all.

Surely a grown man in his twenties knows what he's doing right? As was pointed out he would be sick if my behaviour with my ex mirrored his. I just wanted him to see the situation for what it is, because up until now he hasnt.

So, this leads me to ask you all what u think. Can this change? Should I ask him not to see her? Can it really be the innocent friendship I so want it to be?

Or should I walk?

I am a friend

He is upset at you.....??????

Walk....

LegacyUser

Hi

Just to give a different perspective: I am someone who is best friend's with my ex.
We broke up two years ago after a three year relationship, and remained friends initially because we're in the same social group and there was no point in being needlessly awkward. As time went on, the awkwardness dissolves and we became genuinely really good friends. I can say no we get on better than we did when we were going out.

I am NOT interested in being with him again.

I go on nights out with him, I ring him for a phonecall, and vice versa, and much like your boyfriend's ex, I'd ring him if something was going wrong in my life, whether in my lovelife or otherwise. I don't do this because I'm in love with him,I do it because he's one of my closest friends.

I have a boyfriend, who is very understanding of my friendship with my ex, but his girlfriend is not at all. I've had people ask if I'm still in love with him because if I wasn't, why would we talk all the time? And why wouldn't I be better friends with his girlfriend? To be honest, the reason we aren't friends is because she's incredible cautious of me, it's clear she doesn't trust me and inch and obviously she thinks I'm still into him and I'm a threat to their relationship. For this reason, I keep my distance from her. I speak to her when we see each other, I'd never ignore her, but I don't force my presence of her either.
I feel sad that she thinks I'm a threat to the relationship and that she has to be cautious of me, because her boyfriend truly loves her and neither of us genuinely has no feelings for each other anymore that aren't platonic. I don't like that I'm 'that woman' to her, but I'm also not going to give up a perfectly good friendship due to her insecurities.

The thing about her ringing him in the middle of the night when she was out on her own: I think you're reading into it. Would he not do that for any of his friends? I think it'd reflect on him worse if he left her there standing.


It is very possible that these two are really just good friends, OP. It's possible for ex's to have that relationship. It doesn't mean they want each other anymore, or that they'll cheat. But when you have someone in your life everyday for a long time, just because sometime goes wrong and you don't want to be together romantically anymore, it doesn't mean you want that person out of your life completely.

Magicmatilda

What was his reaction to your telling him how you feel. Did he say anything to suggest he would amend his behaviour or did he just say he doesn't fancy her and won't change his behaviour.

At the end of the day if he is such a great guy who loves you he wouldn't want to hurt your feelings and he would do what he can to avoid that. If he is continuing to behave in the same way with her - picking her up in the middle of the night, being her shoulder to cry on, well then I don't see how you could stay. I couldn't but then I wouldn't have put up with him heading out to pick her up. At the very least I would have gone with him.

Ellen33

Magicmatilda wrote: »

What was his reaction to your telling him how you feel. Did he say anything to suggest he would amend his behaviour or did he just say he doesn't fancy her and won't change his behaviour.

At the end of the day if he is such a great guy who loves you he wouldn't want to hurt your feelings and he would do what he can to avoid that. If he is continuing to behave in the same way with her - picking her up in the middle of the night, being her shoulder to cry on, well then I don't see how you could stay. I couldn't but then I wouldn't have put up with him heading out to pick her up. At the very least I would have gone with him.

I did go with him she was hammered getting into the car. She wasnt too happy to see me, which leads me to believe she wants him.
I spoke to him for ages and He said he wants me to be fully confident that he doesnt still have feelings for her & is not attracted to her in that way. He said he would distance himself from her and would explain to her that the friendship has become inappropriate. He said he couldnt believe that I would think he would cheat on me after all we have been through together.
I asked him how he would feel if he knew in the midst of all this that I had been comforted in the arms of my sexy ex boyf and he said he would not be happy.

Ellen33

I am a friend wrote: »

He is upset at you.....??????

Walk....

Upset in the sense that he said he couldn't believe that I would think that of him after everything we have been through this past year.

I in turn asked him exactly how he thinks it looks sleeping next to an ex lover ..

Starokan

Ellen33 wrote: »

I am not defending him, I am just aiming to tell you what he has been saying about it all.

Surely a grown man in his twenties knows what he's doing right? As was pointed out he would be sick if my behaviour with my ex mirrored his. I just wanted him to see the situation for what it is, because up until now he hasnt.

So, this leads me to ask you all what u think. Can this change? Should I ask him not to see her? Can it really be the innocent friendship I so want it to be?

Or should I walk?

He knows what he is doing. For what its worth I would be pretty certain that nothing happened when he stayed in the same bed as her, i think if it did its unlikely you would know anything about it at all.

Of course it can change, as long as your boyfriend is prepared to make changes. Personally i wouldnt ask him to cut off all contact with her as its perfectly possible for exes to be friends. Plus you will not endear yourself to his other friends this way , its to much to ask of someone i think.

I would ask him to respect boundaries, to respect your feelings and basically not to be making a fool out of you by for example getting drunk and staying in the same bed. Get him to lessen the contact by not being her agony aunt etc.


His reaction in getting upset over your anger and suspicions here is simply deflection on his part. He has no right to be upset on this. Likewise there is no need for you to give him grief on this forever.

You both need to put it behind you. Lay out the ground rules and go from there. If he refuses to accept your point of view and shows no willingness to compromise then yes you will have to consider walking but you are a long way from this yet id imagine.

Ellen33

Starokan wrote: »

Ellen33 wrote: »

I am not defending him, I am just aiming to tell you what he has been saying about it all.

Surely a grown man in his twenties knows what he's doing right? As was pointed out he would be sick if my behaviour with my ex mirrored his. I just wanted him to see the situation for what it is, because up until now he hasnt.

So, this leads me to ask you all what u think. Can this change? Should I ask him not to see her? Can it really be the innocent friendship I so want it to be?

Or should I walk?

He knows what he is doing. For what its worth I would be pretty certain that nothing happened when he stayed in the same bed as her, i think if it did its unlikely you would know anything about it at all.

Of course it can change, as long as your boyfriend is prepared to make changes. Personally i wouldnt ask him to cut off all contact with her as its perfectly possible for exes to be friends. Plus you will not endear yourself to his other friends this way , its to much to ask of someone i think.

I would ask him to respect boundaries, to respect your feelings and basically not to be making a fool out of you by for example getting drunk and staying in the same bed. Get him to lessen the contact by not being her agony aunt etc.


His reaction in getting upset over your anger and suspicions here is simply deflection on his part. He has no right to be upset on this. Likewise there is no need for you to give him grief on this forever.

You both need to put it behind you. Lay out the ground rules and go from there. If he refuses to accept your point of view and shows no willingness to compromise then yes you will have to consider walking but you are a long way from this yet id imagine.

I have not suggested to him what he should do but rather he seems to have made the decision himself. As I said previously he has said he will distance himself from her.

I hope this is something that will improve. He has never given me reason not to trust him, he is not a womaniser in any sense as long as I know him. He has been extremely upset at the prospect of me leaving him over this. He is willing to play his part because he loves me I know that much.

However: this still leaves her she clearly still has feelings towards him I cant make her disappear off the radar, they share the same friends

booboo88

Ellen33 wrote: »

Thank's so much for the replies, it's great to get some outside perspective on this.

iamaguest - I asked him that exact question how was it that he had to sleep in a bed with her of all places. He said he was so drunk and didn't really think about it. I know is if the roles were reversed he would not be too impressed with me cosying up to my ex in a bed drunk, or falling into his arms whenever I am upset or broken hearted etc.

Katgurl - My relationship with her is okay. I wouldn't call us friends but we are civil for his sake. I would never tell him who he can be friends with I am not that bad but I would love him to see things from my point of view. As I said above he would not be happy if the shoe was on the other foot.

There is just something about his friendship with her that I can't put my finger on; I feel like his whole face lights up when she comes in to the room and he would still do anything for her. That is how nice he is.
Recently she was on a night out and rang him saying she had ended up on her own and didn't feel safe, he goes out and brings her home safely. Is this weird?
I know I must sound crazy jealous but sleeping in a bed with your ex teamed with everything else would probably suggest to others that he could still love her. This bed thing - old habits die hard do you think it's possible he slept with her? :(

its sounding more and more like he still has feelings for him, who broke up with who?

Ellen33 wrote: »

Now this could be me being paranoid but yeah still ..


It was fairly late about half 12 or 1. She had been out in town - no idea why she didn't get a taxi I think she said she didn't have the cash and didn't feel safe on her own

so she waited in town...while waiting for him?? :rolleyes:
i think you need to sit him down, if he wants he, to let you go