Is it childish to be annoyed about this?

LegacyUser

I know this might sound fairly juvenile, but it really bothered me.
Myself and the boyfriend are 19 and 20 respectively, being going out 3 years. Young, but it's quite serious.

Anyway, this year my boyfriend switched college courses, same college though, and naturally remained close with those who were in his old course. A few weekends ago, he threw a house party to say goodbye to one of the girls in this course who was leaving the college for good. He invited everyone in his old college class, and some friends from home - but he didn't invite me. In fact, I didn't even know he threw a party until afterwards. It wasn't impromptu - he invited people via a private even on Facebook that I couldn't see. I saw pictures on one of his friend's pages afterwards, and commented that that looked an awful lot like his house, when he replied, yes he'd thrown a party.

Now, I'm not clingy, I have plenty of nights out with my friend's without him and vice versa. But if I have a houseparty, of course I include my boyfriend. I know most of his old class - we're all in the same college - so it wasn't because I wouldn't know anyone, and even then, he invited some lads he's friends with from home, and we're from the same town so I'd know them too.

I asked why he didn't bother inviting me, and he said it wasn't a big deal that he didn't invite me to ONE party, and to stop being melodramatic. To be honest, I was only mildly pissed off at the time, I just felt kind of excluded, but as time goes on I get more and more annoyed and it's caused a few arguments. I can't pinpoint why exactly I feel annoyed, and I know it's petty, but it just really bothered me that he didn't invite me.

baby and crumble

TBH, I can understand where you're coming from. I'd be annoyed too, it seems a bit weird if you had friends in common that would be at the party. It's not like a night out with people you don't know who he'd have to slightly babysit you to make sure you're having fun.

Neyite

It sounds like he deliberatly excluded you, and made great effort to do so. There was several weeks in planning and invites on facebook so its a big difference between that and the impromptu session after clubbing. I wonder if he asked that his guests not let you know about the party. The big question is why.

Add to that he is overly defensive calling you melodramatic for querying it. Methinks he protests too much. I would suspect he was hoping to hook up or maybe even succeeded hooking up with another girl there.

I certainly would not consider it petty to be annoyed. All your mutual friends were there and you were not. I think he is taking you for a mug to be honest.

trio

That's a headscratcher all right.

Where were you that night, do you remember? Maybe you weren't around so he didn't bother to ask you?

Mind you, you'd think it'd come up in conversation if it was planned for a few days and invites were being sent out.....

Wierd.

I don't know what to tell you. It might just be that he wanted to party on his own, just to see what it's like. Ye've been together since school. If it's serious, maybe he just wanted a night where he wasn't there, with you, in the persona of "Mr. & Mrs. Long Term Couple".

That's not to read anything into it. I'm not implying he was scoping out the place for talent behind your back or anything. But he might have just wanted to see whether his identity happened to be any different when he partied on his own.

(I would say that if he found he enjoyed himself more WITHOUT you being there, then you gotta problem)

On the other hand, he could be just a bit thick, like. :P

Daisy M

No not childish at all. He throws an event for another girl deliberetly keeps it a secret and doesnt invite you. Sorry but alarm bells are going off in my head.

LegacyUser

" I would suspect he was hoping to hook up or maybe even succeeded hooking up with another girl there. "

Nah, I don't suspect him of cheating. Pretty sure he wouldn't do that, especially in a place where so many people know me and I'd definitely find out.


He didn't keep it a secret as such. It was a private event because he didn't want a load of randomers showing up, and he didn't tell me, but he didn't ask others not to tell me, or untag himself in photos on facebook or anything, which is why I'm so confused. He never mentioned anything, but he knew I'd find out - unless he just didn't think it mattered to mention it?

"He throws an event for another girl deliberetly keeps it a secret and doesnt invite you. Sorry but alarm bells are going off in my head."

Doesn't bother me that he threw a party for another girl. I know her, she's lovely, they're really good friends, and she's leaving. That's not the issue.

"Where were you that night, do you remember? Maybe you weren't around so he didn't bother to ask you?"

As far as I remember, I went home that weekend. I don't remember being overly busy and could have stayed for the party. The only thing I'm thinking is that it was about 2 weeks before my exams started, so maybe he didn't bother mentioning it cos of that, but I don't know why he wouldn't just throw into the conversation anyway that he was having a party.

Thanks for the replies so far, I felt like maybe I was blowing this out of proportion. We seem perfectly fine, happy and everything, and I trust that he wouldn't cheat, it's just so confusing as to why he wouldn't mention this to me.

Bloody Nipples

Guy's perspective:

unless he just didn't think it mattered to mention it?

I'd say this is hitting the nail on the head.
Sometimes a guy just wants some time with his friends by himself. If he did something like this a lot, I'd say you had grounds to be annoyed but not if it was a once off or infrequent occurrence. If he's a good boyfriend the rest of the time I wouldn't tar and feather him for not inviting you to one party.

Elle Collins

trio wrote: »

That's a headscratcher all right.

This is in no way, shape or form a 'headscratcher'.

OP, it looks to me like your bf went to a very great deal of trouble to throw a party for this female friend and an even bigger deal of trouble to make sure you didn't pop up at it.

You can make what you want out of that but I know what I'd make of it, and I wouldn't be scratching my head about it either..

LittleBook

Bloody Nipples wrote: »

Sometimes a guy just wants some time with his friends by himself.

That's not the same thing at all! The OP specifically said they have plenty of nights out with their own friends, without each other.

Bloody Nipples wrote: »

If he's a good boyfriend the rest of the time I wouldn't tar and feather him for not inviting you to one party.

To one party that HE threw. It's not like he headed off to a party with his mates and told her about it afterwards, he organised the whole night, invited people they both know but not his own girlfriend of three years! I find that very odd and extremely suspicious.

gfb44 wrote: »

he didn't invite me. In fact, I didn't even know he threw a party until afterwards.

Bizarre!! My boyfriend and I don't live in each others pockets, we don't even live in the same country at the moment. There is no way would he throw a party without even mentioning it to me, it's just general sharing of what's going on in our lives!

gfb44 wrote: »

I asked why he didn't bother inviting me, and he said it wasn't a big deal that he didn't invite me to ONE party, and to stop being melodramatic.

Oh please, if it wasn't a big deal, why did he go to such lengths to exclude you and why is he making such a big deal out of the fact that you asked a simple question?!

I wonder if someone asked him at the party why you weren't there if he told the truth, that he didn't bother to invite you.

Sorry OP but there's something rotten here.

xoaudhep

I would probably just ask him out right. He must have had some sort of reason and your probably not gonna figure it out by thrashing it out here or over thinking it in your head.

If you've been together that long you should be able to discuss it. Just tell him you don't want to be dramatic about it and you don't mind he had a party but that you just want to know the reason he didn't invite you as it's been annoying you.

Or, if you don't get a straight answer, you could go down the route of making him feel bad. Say something like "were you ashamed to have me out with all your friends?" then he'll be forced to give you an answer. Even if that's not what you think at all it'll probably hit the guilt button!

Kimia

gfb44 wrote: »

" I would suspect he was hoping to hook up or maybe even succeeded hooking up with another girl there. "

Nah, I don't suspect him of cheating. Pretty sure he wouldn't do that, especially in a place where so many people know me and I'd definitely find out.


He didn't keep it a secret as such. It was a private event because he didn't want a load of randomers showing up, and he didn't tell me, but he didn't ask others not to tell me, or untag himself in photos on facebook or anything, which is why I'm so confused. He never mentioned anything, but he knew I'd find out - unless he just didn't think it mattered to mention it?

"He throws an event for another girl deliberetly keeps it a secret and doesnt invite you. Sorry but alarm bells are going off in my head."

Doesn't bother me that he threw a party for another girl. I know her, she's lovely, they're really good friends, and she's leaving. That's not the issue.

"Where were you that night, do you remember? Maybe you weren't around so he didn't bother to ask you?"

As far as I remember, I went home that weekend. I don't remember being overly busy and could have stayed for the party. The only thing I'm thinking is that it was about 2 weeks before my exams started, so maybe he didn't bother mentioning it cos of that, but I don't know why he wouldn't just throw into the conversation anyway that he was having a party.

Thanks for the replies so far, I felt like maybe I was blowing this out of proportion. We seem perfectly fine, happy and everything, and I trust that he wouldn't cheat, it's just so confusing as to why he wouldn't mention this to me.

Now you're just making excuses and backtracking. Which is fine. But it's very obvious that something fishy is going out, the very least being your boyfriend deliberately had a party for another girl and didn't tell you or invite you. That's just the facts.

missgroovy21

have to say id be pissed off too!!! if u have mutual friends you should have been invited doesnt mean u spend every min at the party with him you can still do your own thing but at least you there. If he didnt want you there just say "listen if you dont mind i want this to be just me and my friends we'll meet up during the week" thats fair enough.....and why if you have a good few mutual friends did no one else mention the party to you????

LegacyUser

"Now you're just making excuses and backtracking. Which is fine. But it's very obvious that something fishy is going out, the very least being your boyfriend deliberately had a party for another girl and didn't tell you or invite you. That's just the facts."

I'm not backtracking or making excuses. I answered questions that were posed to me. I already said I don't have any kind of problem with him having a party for another girl, who happens to be a really good friend of his. My problem was not being invited to it. That's Not backtracking?

Anyway, thanks for the responses, but it's sorted now. Thanks everyone.

Zen65

gfb44 wrote: »

I know this might sound fairly juvenile, but it really bothered me.
Myself and the boyfriend are 19 and 20 respectively, being going out 3 years. Young, but it's quite serious.

Perhaps this was an event he wanted for himself? Perhaps he wanted to mingle in a (platonic) way that would have been much more difficult if you were there?

Being in such a long relationship so early in life can lead to feelings of separation from other friends, no matter how easy-going you might think you are. An early long-term relationship can lead a person to feel they have not discovered themselves socially, because they have always been dealing with people as one-of-a-couple. It can be unhealthy, no matter how happy you think you are as a couple.

I think you should cut him some slack on this. Making an issue of it simply reinforces the feeling that he is missing out on life because he has just moved directly from having to answer to his parents to having to answer to you.

Be at peace,

Z

Bottle_of_Smoke

Zen65 wrote: »

Perhaps this was an event he wanted for himself? Perhaps he wanted to mingle in a (platonic) way that would have been much more difficult if you were there?

Being in such a long relationship so early in life can lead to feelings of separation from other friends, no matter how easy-going you might think you are. An early long-term relationship can lead a person to feel they have not discovered themselves socially, because they have always been dealing with people as one-of-a-couple. It can be unhealthy, no matter how happy you think you are as a couple.

I think you should cut him some slack on this. Making an issue of it simply reinforces the feeling that he is missing out on life because he has just moved directly from having to answer to his parents to having to answer to you.

Be at peace,

Z

That could well be true. Though still very very inconsiderate. It was a big party. Would have been kind of humiliating for the OP being asked why she wasn't there by mutual friends.

Due to the size of party he should have told her and said he wanted to have a "mates" night.

Its not a major issue but it was a mean thing to do. He should apologise for it

Maple

gfb44 wrote: »

Anyway, thanks for the responses, but it's sorted now. Thanks everyone.

On this basis, I'm locking the thread.

Maple