living with negativity

ashblag

my fiance and I have been together for 4years. He is really getting to me lately everything is constantly negative, for example he comes home from work,I'm being nice asking how his day has gone ans most days is it's sh1t and i'm pi*sed off. This is every day! He actually growls at me most days.

I ask does he want to talk about it I get no ans. He has and is on meds for depression but he is not helping himself. I'm begining to think it's me! It's like i'm being punished by him for god only knows what.

Thing is when anyone calls to our home he's lovely full off the joys,full of chat. it's so frustraiting!

I dont think I'm being a bitch,i've had bad depressive episodes in the past i've never taken it out on him. I find myself walking on egg shells around him trying not to put him in a bad mood,constantly asking if he is ok?

Do i sound selfish?? I'm sorry if I do. I just feel worn out.

Advise please greatly appriciated

Herrick

Ok, first off, it's not you fault. I have a family member the exact same way. Takes it out on everyone behind closed doors, but all smiles to any guests that call in, so much so that they seem like two different people.

If he's in a constant downer, I'd actually recommend going back to the GP and explaining the meds don't seem to be working. It's what my family member did, they changed the meds and now their nearly always in a good mood

Hope this helps somewhat.

ashblag

he has been to the doctor has adjusted the meds, he's a smoker(not the ciggarette kind) and this seems to be the only time that he's ok if you can say that. Once it's not reality he has to deal with!

he wont go anywhere with me,every night is spent infront of the TV him watching what he wants,me watchin him smoke that sh1t and watching what he wants!
I do love him but there i'm coming to the end of my teather to be honest. If i try explain how i'm feeling he turns it around on me that i have a problem.

Herrick

Does he have a psychiatric nurse that would pop round to visit him and administer any meds? If so, it's a a good option to explain this to them, sometimes they often can get through to someone like this and try to get them to see where your coming from. Again from experience.

nicechick!

ashblag wrote: »

my fiance and I have been together for 4years. He is really getting to me lately everything is constantly negative, for example he comes home from work,I'm being nice asking how his day has gone ans most days is it's sh1t and i'm pi*sed off. This is every day! He actually growls at me most days.

I ask does he want to talk about it I get no ans. He has and is on meds for depression but he is not helping himself. I'm begining to think it's me! It's like i'm being punished by him for god only knows what.

Thing is when anyone calls to our home he's lovely full off the joys,full of chat. it's so frustraiting!

I dont think I'm being a bitch,i've had bad depressive episodes in the past i've never taken it out on him. I find myself walking on egg shells around him trying not to put him in a bad mood,constantly asking if he is ok?

Do i sound selfish?? I'm sorry if I do. I just feel worn out.

Advise please greatly appriciated

Its only to easy to find ourselves overwhelmed by what we deem our lack of support as we don't get clear clarification from persons especially those suffering from depression. Your not selfish what you need is a safe home environment where we are at peace and happy its really important for own well being as if you start getting upset its not going to get any easier.

Its important that you support him but also you must consider your own mental health. www.aware.ie have good advice, information and support measures in place to help persons directly effected by loved ones depression and has he ever considered counselling? I strongly recommend it also he obviously understands that he has depression if he's taking medication why not tell him his behaviour is upsetting you? Does he know how this is effecting you he obviously lets you see his true emotional state which is positive however like I said you also need to take care of yourself talk to him this might encourage him to go back to his gp and review the situation.

carlybabe1

ashblag wrote: »

he has been to the doctor has adjusted the meds, he's a smoker(not the ciggarette kind) and this seems to be the only time that he's ok if you can say that. Once it's not reality he has to deal with!

he wont go anywhere with me,every night is spent infront of the TV him watching what he wants,me watchin him smoke that sh1t and watching what he wants!
I do love him but there i'm coming to the end of my teather to be honest. If i try explain how i'm feeling he turns it around on me that i have a problem.

theres no point in taking meds if hes smokin crap, if i was you op id kick his ass out before your left without any form of confidence or dignity. it sounds like you have become his emotional punch bag

TommyTippee

carlybabe1 wrote: »

theres no point in taking meds if hes smokin crap, if i was you op id kick his ass out before your left without any form of confidence or dignity. it sounds like you have become his emotional punch bag

Stop watching Dr. Phil

Silverfish

TommyTippee wrote: »

Stop watching Dr. Phil

Banned.

Replies in this forum are to be on-topic and helpful to the OP.

booboo88

ashblag wrote: »

he has been to the doctor has adjusted the meds, he's a smoker(not the ciggarette kind) and this seems to be the only time that he's ok if you can say that. Once it's not reality he has to deal with!

he wont go anywhere with me,every night is spent infront of the TV him watching what he wants,me watchin him smoke that sh1t and watching what he wants!
I do love him but there i'm coming to the end of my teather to be honest. If i try explain how i'm feeling he turns it around on me that i have a problem.

are you serious? hes on meds and smoking that crap?:rolleyes:
counter productive much?

ashblag

booboo88 wrote: »

are you serious? hes on meds and smoking that crap?:rolleyes:
counter productive much?

Yes i know! that crap ruins lives and relationships.

Tried talking to him explaining how i feel last night, he turned everything back on me.
He is blaming me for him being isolated! BUT HE WONT GO ANYWHERE! He said he resents the fact that i go out weekends with my friends or go off with them for a day out. I'm blue in the face asking would we go for a meal,cinema a drink but there is always escuses.
So gave a stark ultimatum,either he gets himself together and gets off that sh1t and appriciates me a bit more and talk to me like i'm a human being rather than snarling at me or telling me to shut the f**k up when i talk to him, I'm done!!!

I'm worried about the house,mortgage ect. but i cant stay with him for that!

Ball is in his court,watch this space.

Emme

ashblag wrote: »

Yes i know! that crap ruins lives and relationships.

Tried talking to him explaining how i feel last night, he turned everything back on me.
He is blaming me for him being isolated! BUT HE WONT GO ANYWHERE! He said he resents the fact that i go out weekends with my friends or go off with them for a day out. I'm blue in the face asking would we go for a meal,cinema a drink but there is always escuses.
So gave a stark ultimatum,either he gets himself together and gets off that sh1t and appriciates me a bit more and talk to me like i'm a human being rather than snarling at me or telling me to shut the f**k up when i talk to him, I'm done!!!

I'm worried about the house,mortgage ect. but i cant stay with him for that!

Ball is in his court,watch this space.

If what he's smoking isn't cigarettes or a pipe then that might even hinder the meds. The smoking could be what's putting him in a bad mood and killing his motivation. As long as he's smoking the meds are useless.

Wompa1

ashblag wrote: »

Yes i know! that crap ruins lives and relationships.

Tried talking to him explaining how i feel last night, he turned everything back on me.
He is blaming me for him being isolated! BUT HE WONT GO ANYWHERE! He said he resents the fact that i go out weekends with my friends or go off with them for a day out. I'm blue in the face asking would we go for a meal,cinema a drink but there is always escuses.
So gave a stark ultimatum,either he gets himself together and gets off that sh1t and appriciates me a bit more and talk to me like i'm a human being rather than snarling at me or telling me to shut the f**k up when i talk to him, I'm done!!!

I'm worried about the house,mortgage ect. but i cant stay with him for that!

Ball is in his court,watch this space.

It's the only way, if I was you I think I'd get away for a while and go stay with a friend. If he goes without you for a couple of weeks it should put the sh!ts up him

I am a friend

ashblag wrote: »

Yes i know! that crap ruins lives and relationships.

Tried talking to him explaining how i feel last night, he turned everything back on me.
He is blaming me for him being isolated! BUT HE WONT GO ANYWHERE! He said he resents the fact that i go out weekends with my friends or go off with them for a day out. I'm blue in the face asking would we go for a meal,cinema a drink but there is always escuses.
So gave a stark ultimatum,either he gets himself together and gets off that sh1t and appriciates me a bit more and talk to me like i'm a human being rather than snarling at me or telling me to shut the f**k up when i talk to him, I'm done!!!

I'm worried about the house,mortgage ect. but i cant stay with him for that!

Ball is in his court,watch this space.

He, like all druggies, is a Class A manipulator and he is playing you like a fiddle.... He speaks to you like a dog, plays with your self esteem, he is lazy and uninterested and worst of all he is sabotaging the help he is getting to cure himself by smoking that rubbish.

Hon, you sound like a good person. Move on. Leave him for a while. Kick him out and let him fend for himself cos at the moment you are enabling him. He is not suffering any consequences for his bad behaviour....

You deserve better...

Esoteric_

The one thing I'll say about the smoking weed/hash is that it's gonna mess with his head and stop his meds from working. I'm in no way anti-drugs, I'd smoke the odd time and have tried a few heavier drugs, but it's bloody ridiculous to smoke a DEPRESSANT while taking anti-depressants! It completely cancels them out! I'd hazard a guess that if he's nice enough while smoking, he's probably depressed because he's suffering withdrawals. At the least, the withdrawals will make his depression worse, at most they could be causing his depression.

He needs to get his head sorted and you need to get away from him while he does this. If you stick around, he won't see a need to get off the weed because he'll see you as always being there no matter what he does. If you leave until he sorts himself out, he'll have to decide which is more important to him - you or the drugs.

nicechick!

ashblag wrote: »

Yes i know! that crap ruins lives and relationships.

Tried talking to him explaining how i feel last night, he turned everything back on me.
He is blaming me for him being isolated! BUT HE WONT GO ANYWHERE! He said he resents the fact that i go out weekends with my friends or go off with them for a day out. I'm blue in the face asking would we go for a meal,cinema a drink but there is always escuses.
So gave a stark ultimatum,either he gets himself together and gets off that sh1t and appriciates me a bit more and talk to me like i'm a human being rather than snarling at me or telling me to shut the f**k up when i talk to him, I'm done!!!

I'm worried about the house,mortgage ect. but i cant stay with him for that!

Ball is in his court,watch this space.

I am so sorry to hear this, your actively worried and want to see him improve. Its disappointing to see that he hasn't taken any ownership for his behaviour here though I would say that much of this is very likely his depression talking.

One thing I was say and like my previous post you need to take care of your own mental health & well being but you must remember that Depression can make us self centred (not deliberately) as sufferers may not be open to others feelings as there so self absorbed in there our own battle that the concept of reality is difficult to deal with and the fact that he cannot cope with what your saying may just actually be another symptom. For many they are just about managing the day to day stuff such at work which for most is draining however its his battle he needs to able to recognise that the feeling of isolation, low mood, lack of energy, lack of effort in social elements including not taking joy out of hobbies interests etc is another symptom of depression.

I would suggest you have the conversation again try not get angry (though sometimes warranted) yes make sure that he understands there is only so much you will tolerate and that the end result may be that you will leave but please give him the chance to do a number of things first before leaving. He needs to immediately stop being rude and disrespectful to you and give him a time frame to work off a list to do other things here are a few suggestions

1. Talk to his GP
2. Seek Counselling
3. Set aside time to do something together make sure its outdoors & doesn't involve alcohol go for a walk in a nice area exercise makes all of us feel good, find a beech go for a picnic etc something that doesn't involve him interacting with others on a large scale he may hate every minute of it but may eventually come to realise that he enjoyed himself or may motivate him to do so again!
4. I'm sure he has enjoyed some hobbies in the past and is likely that he doesn't directly involve himself any more try get him to do this again! Sometimes it can be a wake up call for many by doing something they took joy out of in the past it might motivate him to keep it up as he may realise he's missed certain things (with depression sometimes the individuals has to force themselves mentally to do something as the joy for many elements of life has disappeared! but hopefully that spark of enjoyment may come back)
5. I know little or nothing about mixing drugs its likely it doesn't help get him to put a limit to his use! Only at the weekend etc


From you it takes communication, encouragement, understanding, support for things to change if not it will be his loss, overcoming symptoms of depression takes time however the sufferer needs to recognise this and help themselves in there battle to improving you can support him while doing so but again you also need to take care of your well being, its important that you also feel happy in your home environment otherwise it will begin to effect you long term which it has.

Short term encourage him to talk to the following and for you also as I have suggested in previous post

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/
www.aware.ie

Good luck

nicechick!

Wompa1 wrote: »

It's the only way, if I was you I think I'd get away for a while and go stay with a friend. If he goes without you for a couple of weeks it should put the sh!ts up him

I would hate to see our poster regret making harsh decisions without seeking some professional advice. Leaving for her own well being yes its an option that should be considered she must be true to herself. Depression is an illness though the hardest on all loved ones involved. She comes across as frustrated and angry rightly so, so making quick rushed decisions could be there downfall. Our posters need to set aside to herself to ask herself is she committed to him and there relationship to beat this illness for both there future happiness. If she feels that she has done everything to help create a happy home life without any improvement acknowledgement from him then yes l would encourage her to leave.

Dramatic scenes and leaving him for a few weeks just to prove a point is not the way to go the end result for him could be that particularly as he is suffering from depression may also result in his mood worsening, a feeling of failure, the ultimate failing in his view with depression. Depression is overwhelming, extremely scary and for many will take time to recover for some they may never though for many sufferers live joyous, fulfilled life's with occasional lows.

booboo88

ashblag wrote: »

Yes i know! that crap ruins lives and relationships.

Tried talking to him explaining how i feel last night, he turned everything back on me.
He is blaming me for him being isolated! BUT HE WONT GO ANYWHERE! He said he resents the fact that i go out weekends with my friends or go off with them for a day out. I'm blue in the face asking would we go for a meal,cinema a drink but there is always escuses.
So gave a stark ultimatum,either he gets himself together and gets off that sh1t and appriciates me a bit more and talk to me like i'm a human being rather than snarling at me or telling me to shut the f**k up when i talk to him, I'm done!!!

I'm worried about the house,mortgage ect. but i cant stay with him for that!

Ball is in his court,watch this space.

you have got to be kidding me? seriously? wat does he want you to do exactly? drag him by the hair out of the house?
a man that tells you to shut the **** up isnt a man, he's a weasel sorry.

mortgage isnt worth feeling that small in your own house. he knows wat to do but in the meantiime........

*hugs*

ashblag

So i've had enough. I still have love for him but my sanity and pride cant take anymore. I'm staying with family at the moment.

I dont think he's going to change nor does he want to. I'm exhausted.

I'm so sad too. To think some one I gave the last 5 odd years of my life to can be so callus.

What to do about the house now? Anyone been through seperation with mortgage?

It's not a massive mortgage, have an appt with solictior next week to sort out.

Jesus, i tell you much better off being on your own. I think or hope i've made the right decision. I dont know who I am anymore. I feel so out of touch with everything.

bird_on_a_wire

My god father was a smoker (of the non tobacco kind too) and when he would smoke chronic amounts of weed we would have a nick name for him. "Mystery Matt" as generally he is the most kindhearted and lovely person you could ever think of meeting! But when he smoked he would become totally different, same with my grandad, and both men suffer with bipolar depression which as far as I can see is further aggravated by weed! As the drug can cause people to be moody and distant.
Maybe have a talk with him about how you feel, those eggshells you've been walking on may just break but it's either talk it out with him and hope he'll change or live with someone who's brings you down with their bad moods. If he's unwilling to change or accept his behavior then for your own mental well being I'd recommend you reconsider being with him, no matter what the situation never stay with someone who brings you down!
Maybe he is just going through a rough patch and if he suffers from depression, frequent low bouts are to be expected but encourage him to talk it out and when you feel he's getting narky or just doesn't want to discuss it let him know that he's getting himself into a bad place with you!
Whatever you do make sure that you are happy! If his moods are getting you down don't waste your time and patience there!
I hope this helped! Best of luck, I also hope that perhaps he's just having a bad month and he'll pull through it!

curlzy

ashblag wrote: »

So i've had enough. I still have love for him but my sanity and pride cant take anymore. I'm staying with family at the moment.

I dont think he's going to change nor does he want to. I'm exhausted.

I'm so sad too. To think some one I gave the last 5 odd years of my life to can be so callus.

What to do about the house now? Anyone been through seperation with mortgage?

It's not a massive mortgage, have an appt with solictior next week to sort out.

Jesus, i tell you much better off being on your own. I think or hope i've made the right decision. I dont know who I am anymore. I feel so out of touch with everything.

Well done OP!!!! You've put your foot down and said I won't be treated like this anymore. That's the first step and I'd say you're feeling a huge amount of relief at not having to walk on eggshells anymore. At the end of the day you should be nobody's punching bag and being told to "shut the f*ck up" when you speak is being treated as one. Onwards and upwards girl, keep your chin up.

Best of luck.

booboo88

awww no op it'll take time but you'll feel better for it