Boyfriends Ex wants to meet me.

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months now. He has a child with his ex who's 3. I've spent lots of time with the kid and we get along grand.

His ex and him broke up over a year ago because she cheated on him and is still with the same guy. She has him around the house all the time around the kids.

My boyfriend asked her could he meet him if he was going to be spending so much time around his kid and she said no, no way, not a hope and he dropped it.

She's going away for a few days and the kid will be with myself and my boyfriend. She's said to him him ''I will meet her Friday when I drop the kid over or i'll bring her to her parents house.'' She also told him that he's not allowed see the kid again until I meet with her.

Here's the issue I have, I've no problem meeting with her but not when she demands it and threatens him. She know's I don't want to meet her and this is why I think she is pushing it, trying to get us to fight etc.

I have no problem meeting with her on my terms, such as, meeting her in my place of work or when I'm not busy. He told her she could meet me on my break today and she said 'she'll see'.

If someone was so adamant about meeting me for the 'sake of her child' I'm sure she could make the time to meet me.

Is she just trying to cause trouble? She I just grim and bare it and meet her when she says she wants to meet me? Or stand my ground and not let her get her own way?

Wompa1

queendrama wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months now. He has a child with his ex who's 3. I've spent lots of time with the kid and we get along grand.

His ex and him broke up over a year ago because she cheated on him and is still with the same guy. She has him around the house all the time around the kids.

My boyfriend asked her could he meet him if he was going to be spending so much time around his kid and she said no, no way, not a hope and he dropped it.

She's going away for a few days and the kid will be with myself and my boyfriend. She's said to him him ''I will meet her Friday when I drop the kid over or i'll bring her to her parents house.'' She also told him that he's not allowed see the kid again until I meet with her.

Here's the issue I have, I've no problem meeting with her but not when she demands it and threatens him. She know's I don't want to meet her and this is why I think she is pushing it, trying to get us to fight etc.

I have no problem meeting with her on my terms, such as, meeting her in my place of work or when I'm not busy. He told her she could meet me on my break today and she said 'she'll see'.

If someone was so adamant about meeting me for the 'sake of her child' I'm sure she could make the time to meet me.

Is she just trying to cause trouble? She I just grim and bare it and meet her when she says she wants to meet me? Or stand my ground and not let her get her own way?

If I was you I'd meet her and be as pleasant as can be. She'll probably say some ratty stuff just push on through and be really nice and cool. If you want to get to her, show her it doesn't phase you. She's doing it for a reaction, don't give her one.

Miss Fluff

She sounds thoroughly vile. I agree, she's clearly looking for a reaction or spoiling for a fight. Meet her briefly and be as nice as pie.

greengirl31

She sounds like she has double standards - Like she doesn't want your ex to meet her new boyfriend but she's insistant on meeting you.
I don't think it's unreasonable for the mother of a child to meet the partner of her ex if the child spends time with her. But she seems to be a little devious about it ...
If I were you, I'd meet her and adopt the kill her with kindness attitude. There is plenty of trouble she could create for you down the line so try not to be the excuse for it so early on.
And remember there's a little child at the heart of all this and she needs to be put first by all concerned ...
Best of luck

MissFlitworth

Ask your boyfriend how he'd like to handle it, if the path that will cause him least problems with his ex/child situation is you sucking it up and meeting her then you should do that for his sake. If I was a mother I'd want to meet the person who'd be around my kid for the weekend before I let it happen.

Whatever weird double standards she has around your boyfriend not meeting her new partner are none of your business really & you shouldn't it effect what decision you make

Abi

Wompa1 wrote: »

If I was you I'd meet her and be as pleasant as can be. She'll probably say some ratty stuff just push on through and be really nice and cool. If you want to get to her, show her it doesn't phase you. She's doing it for a reaction, don't give her one.

Definitely this. Do meet her, and be as nice as pie. If theres any kind of confrontation she could make trouble with your boyfriend seeing his child. She's obviously looking for trouble. She has some neck if you ask me, she cheats on her then boyfriend and now shes being a bitch over his new partner.


I'd only meet her with your boyfriend around, and I'd keep it very brief. Shes a nasty piece of work, and is only demanding to meet you so she can poke holes in your character. Do not give in to her childish, bitchy behaviour.

Lucyx

Your bf's ex is trying to have a little bit of control here and in particular over you and your bf's relationship and shes trying to get you guys fighting with each other (you and your bf) and generally cause you grief. you have to be able to take a step back and look at why she is behaving this way and its quite pathetic and insecure on her part. Shes probably a bit jealous too that he has someone else eventhough it was her who was unfaithful.

So I'd say meet her and be nice, don't get into too much with her cos you know someone like this could make something out of the smallest thing you'd say. You be the bigger person here and do the right thing. Theres always gonna be some BS with an ex when theres a kiddie involved.

I wouldn't say be super nice to her. Just be cool.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys.

I just met her. She said she wanted to put a face to my name. I told her I was busy lately and not ready to meet her. She said my bf had never told her i was busy (which is a lie because i saw the messages to her).

She also said 'if i had of known you were busy we could have put this off till next week' as nice as pie - complete lie since she told him he wasn't allowed see them if she didn't meet me.

I bit my tongue and said nothing.

JonathanAnon

I was gonna suggest that maybe it would be the fairest if the four of ye met in a neutral venue.. At least then there would be two peacekeepers there to keep the peace..

Sounds like an awful situation tbh.. good luck..

OUTOFSYNC

queendrama wrote: »

She also told him that he's not allowed see the kid again until I meet with her.

Tell you're boyfriend to get legal guardianship ASAP if he doesn't already have it. Also to try to get a parenting plan drawn up to avoid threats / conflicts in the future.

Little Acorn

JonathanAnon wrote: »

I was gonna suggest that maybe it would be the fairest if the four of ye met in a neutral venue.. At least then there would be two peacekeepers there to keep the peace..

Sounds like an awful situation tbh.. good luck..

That's what I was thinking too. That she gets to meet you, and your boyfriend gets to meet her fella, in a neutral setting all together like a casual lunch or something.

If I had children with an ex, I would also want to meet any partner of theirs that was going to be spending a lot of time with my kid. Solely so I could try to get an idea if they seemed like a responsible and kind type of person, and so that I could reassure myself that they weren't some kind of shady character, who might display short temperness with a child or maybe signs of worse behavior.

I don't think it is an unreasonable request, but I think the way she went about it was very unreasonable.
Telling your boyfriend that he couldn't see his child until she met you is completely over the top without good cause, as is the demanding controlling attitude about her deciding when exactly you would meet each other.

I also think it is a disgrace that she is not allowing your boyfriend to meet her new guy. He has every right as a father to know who his child is spending time with, and it makes me wonder what exactly as she got to hide? Maybe it's just a control thing. I don't know if it's illegal, but it should be.

I think you handled the meeting of her very well. Remain polite, friendly and composed so that she has nothing to use against you. At the same time though ,keep the politeness within reason, as in don't let her at any time in the future treat you like a doormat,and stand up for yourself if she ever attacks you verbally.

Fair play on how you've reacted to her so far though! You handled it the right way.

poozers

i think your boyfriend needs to take a bit more control of the situation regarding his rights to see the child! she sounds like a nightmare, and she's wrapping everyone around her fingers!! you're right to bite your tongue with her, fair play she's only sh*t stirring and if you show any sign of weakness, thats her mission accomplished, it'll snowball from there! she's obviously got serious insecurity issues, and is using this poor child as a tool to have control over everyone arond her!

why are ex's always horrible b*itches??!!! lol

Overheal

She also told him that he's not allowed see the kid again until I meet with her.

Does she have that ability? Unless Irish law is more twisted than I thought, I'm pretty sure she doesn't. These are the kind of threats that should be taken very seriously, and up through legal avenues.

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

Does she have that ability? Unless Irish law is more twisted than I thought, I'm pretty sure she doesn't. These are the kind of threats that should be taken very seriously, and up through legal avenues.

Well, right now she does if he doesnt have a custody or guardianship order, it's sort of the same in the US Overheal. No custody order [even partial or shared] no rights.

And no one is 'entitled' to meet each other's new spouses or lovers, but it's in everyone's best interest to know who the child's family is.

Personally I would feel that until the OP is married and occupies a family role, in this case step mother and is actually family, then a meeting is kind of superfluous.

nicechick!

queendrama wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months now. He has a child with his ex who's 3. I've spent lots of time with the kid and we get along grand.

His ex and him broke up over a year ago because she cheated on him and is still with the same guy. She has him around the house all the time around the kids.

My boyfriend asked her could he meet him if he was going to be spending so much time around his kid and she said no, no way, not a hope and he dropped it.

She's going away for a few days and the kid will be with myself and my boyfriend. She's said to him him ''I will meet her Friday when I drop the kid over or i'll bring her to her parents house.'' She also told him that he's not allowed see the kid again until I meet with her.

Here's the issue I have, I've no problem meeting with her but not when she demands it and threatens him. She know's I don't want to meet her and this is why I think she is pushing it, trying to get us to fight etc.

I have no problem meeting with her on my terms, such as, meeting her in my place of work or when I'm not busy. He told her she could meet me on my break today and she said 'she'll see'.

If someone was so adamant about meeting me for the 'sake of her child' I'm sure she could make the time to meet me.

Is she just trying to cause trouble? She I just grim and bare it and meet her when she says she wants to meet me? Or stand my ground and not let her get her own way?

Seriously so he can't met her boyfriend yet she demands to meet you! she sounds like an eejit however meet her she has the right to know that any persons involved with her child so for this reason alone I would

neuro-praxis

metrovelvet wrote: »

Well, right now she does if he doesnt have a custody or guardianship order, it's sort of the same in the US Overheal. No custody order [even partial or shared] no rights.

And no one is 'entitled' to meet each other's new spouses or lovers, but it's in everyone's best interest to know who the child's family is.

Personally I would feel that until the OP is married and occupies a family role, in this case step mother and is actually family, then a meeting is kind of superfluous.

For the record, custody orders are worth nothing in Ireland. A father with full custody of his children cannot, for example, apply for passports for his children without the mother's consent, even if she has been off the scene for years. He must receive sole guardianship from the court to really have any rights.

The OP's boyfriend should seek a court order granting him joint guardianship of his child. All unmarried men with children should do this, to grant them equal legal status to the mother.

booboo88

greengirl31 wrote: »

She sounds like she has double standards - Like she doesn't want your ex to meet her new boyfriend but she's insistant on meeting you.
I don't think it's unreasonable for the mother of a child to meet the partner of her ex if the child spends time with her. But she seems to be a little devious about it ...
If I were you, I'd meet her and adopt the kill her with kindness attitude. There is plenty of trouble she could create for you down the line so try not to be the excuse for it so early on.
And remember there's a little child at the heart of all this and she needs to be put first by all concerned ...
Best of luck

its only unreasonable because she refused to let ops bf meet her new partner.
i think its absolutely disgusting when women or men use the kids or kid as a weapon to get what they want.

JonathanAnon wrote: »

I was gonna suggest that maybe it would be the fairest if the four of ye met in a neutral venue.. At least then there would be two peacekeepers there to keep the peace..

Sounds like an awful situation tbh.. good luck..

i think this should be next port of call. whats the bet the new guy is a scummy so and so?

LegacyUser

I asked my boyfriend if he had guardianship and he thought he did (Thought it was automatically given to him) but he doesn't.

He asked the mother and she said yeh fine. He rang her to arrange an appointment and she said no, that she didn't trust him and thinks he'll run away with the kids. FFS!

Then she rang him back saying that she needed more time to think about it.

So looks like he'll be going to court.

Gilda Fortune

dont rise to her crap. meet her on her terms and be as nice as pie to her. do it for the sake of the child and your relationship.
dont allow another woman cause fights for you thats exactly what she wants

Warm Panda Cola

queendrama wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months now. He has a child with his ex who's 3. I've spent lots of time with the kid and we get along grand.

His ex and him broke up over a year ago because she cheated on him and is still with the same guy. She has him around the house all the time around the kids.

My boyfriend asked her could he meet him if he was going to be spending so much time around his kid and she said no, no way, not a hope and he dropped it.

She's going away for a few days and the kid will be with myself and my boyfriend. She's said to him him ''I will meet her Friday when I drop the kid over or i'll bring her to her parents house.'' She also told him that he's not allowed see the kid again until I meet with her.

Here's the issue I have, I've no problem meeting with her but not when she demands it and threatens him. She know's I don't want to meet her and this is why I think she is pushing it, trying to get us to fight etc.

I have no problem meeting with her on my terms, such as, meeting her in my place of work or when I'm not busy. He told her she could meet me on my break today and she said 'she'll see'.

If someone was so adamant about meeting me for the 'sake of her child' I'm sure she could make the time to meet me.

Is she just trying to cause trouble? She I just grim and bare it and meet her when she says she wants to meet me? Or stand my ground and not let her get her own way?

My friend was in a bit of a similar situation, however they are now 3 years on from where you are now. The only advice I can give is to meet her, be incredibly friendly & unfortunately you have to grin and bear it. She's the mother of his child and cause trouble if she wants to or if she sees fit to. Now I'm not suggesting at all that this is what she'll do, but your boyfriend is always going to have to put his child first, and if you're being seen as to be as accommodating as possible (within reason obviously) then he'll respect you even more for it.

My friend has made life for her boyfriend, his child, and the mother of his child as easy as she can, without jeopardising herself obviously, but by letting the minor issues go, and they have a very happy relationship..between all of them, as the ex saw that she was not out to make any trouble from the get go, remember for this girl as well her child is going to come first, and she's going to try & make sure the child comes first in her dad's life as well. But by letting the minor things go at the start, relations are not tense at all between them & if there is an issue she genuinely is bothered by, she feels able to say it without getting any backlash such as-oh look your unreasonable girlfriend is making trouble again.

I hope this makes sense, and I don't envy you in the situation, as in the early days a number of situations will require biting of the tongue! best of luck