Is he or I being unreasonable..

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner 10 years and have always been shy and had no friends as such to speak of but we always mixed with OP's friends from day one. One guy especailly HATED me and made my life hell and OH never intervened. Eventually me and the guy called a truce for OH's sake and I'm just saying this to let you know the lengths I've gone to for his mates. We now have to go out every few months with said mate and his girlfriend.
So..I went on a website for women and made lots of friends which I'm so proud of and they are lovely women but OH refuses to have anything to do with them. He doesn't mind me going out with them while he babysits our son but he won't go.
One couple I have become so close to and they live local and are great fun and I know OH would really like them if he gave them a chance. But he refuses. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Do we really have a life together if this is his attitude? Surely my friends count too?
Thanks for reading

Kevin Duffy

sadgal1977 wrote: »

I've been with my partner 10 years and have always been shy and had no friends as such to speak of but we always mixed with OP's friends from day one. One guy especailly HATED me and made my life hell and OH never intervened. Eventually me and the guy called a truce for OH's sake and I'm just saying this to let you know the lengths I've gone to for his mates. We now have to go out every few months with said mate and his girlfriend.
So..I went on a website for women and made lots of friends which I'm so proud of and they are lovely women but OH refuses to have anything to do with them. He doesn't mind me going out with them while he babysits our son but he won't go.
One couple I have become so close to and they live local and are great fun and I know OH would really like them if he gave them a chance. But he refuses. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Do we really have a life together if this is his attitude? Surely my friends count too?
Thanks for reading

His behaviour seems unreasonable to me at first glance. What reasons does he give for it?

LegacyUser

His only reason was 'they're not my type', even though he has never met them. And they are everyones type, really lovely couple with lots of friends and very outgoing.
He doesn't like going out as a rule and isn't a big drinker but I still think he should be making a bit of an effort. We both should as a couple. I would just love to see us heading off for weekends with other friends who all have children too. Our little boy is 18 months old and I guess he is the main reason I'm pushing all this. I want us to have friends with children where we can all pal around together and our kids can be friends.
Since our son was born, I've been going to all different parties and been totally on my own. Like a single mum
It never bothered me before having our boy. Like I said we've been together 10 years and I'm only feeling it now!

Kevin Duffy

That really doesn't sound like a reason at all, just a throwaway line to avoid doing something he just doesn't want to do for whatever reason. How is the rest of his behaviour? Does he resent you making new friends, maybe feel left behind or less important to you? Does he have less of your time now that you have a baby and a newly improved social life?

It sounds a little like attention seeking, blaming and punishing, all to keep control and focus on him as he feels threatened, but I'm really guessing here, you know best if that makes any sense in the context of your relationship.

How is his own social life? Is there a chance to find common ground with the man of the couple you've befriended, let them try that, then expand it into doing things with both of them. We can be very simple creatures, mostly tell us there's a football match on and tell us the name of one other bloke in the pub and we're good to go Of course that's a simplied, generalised approach, but you get the idea I'm sure.

Abi

sadgal1977 wrote: »

I've been with my partner 10 years and have always been shy and had no friends as such to speak of but we always mixed with OP's friends from day one. One guy especailly HATED me and made my life hell and OH never intervened. Eventually me and the guy called a truce for OH's sake and I'm just saying this to let you know the lengths I've gone to for his mates. We now have to go out every few months with said mate and his girlfriend.
So..I went on a website for women and made lots of friends which I'm so proud of and they are lovely women but OH refuses to have anything to do with them. He doesn't mind me going out with them while he babysits our son but he won't go.
One couple I have become so close to and they live local and are great fun and I know OH would really like them if he gave them a chance. But he refuses. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Do we really have a life together if this is his attitude? Surely my friends count too?
Thanks for reading

Hi OP


Can I ask, is the woman in the couple one of these women that you have met from online? You mentioned the internet before you mentioned this couple and I'm assuming so. Is it a case that he doesn't like / is a bit ignorant towards where you sourced your new friends?


I don't think you're being unreasonable. Regardless of where you meet your friends, they should be accepted as friends regardless. Have you told him how much his attitude is upsetting you? If you explained all you have here to him, then I would definitely say he is being unreasonable.

LegacyUser

It does sound unreasonable that he expects you to spend time with his friends that supposedly hate you, but couldnt be bothered to meet your friends.

I know your looking for him to be more included in your life rather than the opposite but maybe you should take a stand and let him go and meet his friends without you. You are presumably going along with him when he meets them for him. He may soon see that he should be supporting you in the same way you have been him. It is possible however, that he may like the new arrangement better, but as far as I can see its win win, you dont have to spend time with people who dislike you for his sake anymore.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies..
Abi, I met the girl on a website for Irish mothers and I met a few others from going to mother and toddler groups in the area. I don't think that was a problem at all because shes a local girl anyway and we know all the same people so I don't think the internet was an issue.
Kevin, he is a really quite lad who has no interest in anything only working. He is a fantastic father though and adores our son to bits. He just has no interest in socialising with anyone lately. Even his own family and friends. He has no interests in anything only working.
I've gotten to the point now where I'm so envious of my friends partners who go everywhere with them and are so friendly.
I don't think I can stand this for the next 10 years
I am really good friends with his brother's wife and she said her hubby is the very same, doesn't drink and doesn't want to mix with anyone and she's like me, loves a good get together.
I just don't know where we go from here. I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't listen. From our sons bedtime onwards, he either works or sits in front of the tv or internet all night and doesn't talk.

Wompa1

sadgal1977 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies..
Abi, I met the girl on a website for Irish mothers and I met a few others from going to mother and toddler groups in the area. I don't think that was a problem at all because shes a local girl anyway and we know all the same people so I don't think the internet was an issue.
Kevin, he is a really quite lad who has no interest in anything only working. He is a fantastic father though and adores our son to bits. He just has no interest in socialising with anyone lately. Even his own family and friends. He has no interests in anything only working.
I've gotten to the point now where I'm so envious of my friends partners who go everywhere with them and are so friendly.
I don't think I can stand this for the next 10 years
I am really good friends with his brother's wife and she said her hubby is the very same, doesn't drink and doesn't want to mix with anyone and she's like me, loves a good get together.
I just don't know where we go from here. I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't listen. From our sons bedtime onwards, he either works or sits in front of the tv or internet all night and doesn't talk.

I think that's a lot of men as we grow older. Get more introverted. I've never been very sociable, particularly when it comes to girlfriends friends...I only have about 3 close friends in total, I don't find it hard to make friends but I only like to keep close friends that I like..they are genuine and you know they'd do as much for you as you would for them.

Every girl I've been out with has a group of friends and well they aren't as choosey. I usually find 1 or 2 people in the group that are tolerable...but girls have different tastes in humor and other things too...like are more forgiving e.g. an ex of mine had a friend that would drink drive so i had no time for him, she'd just make excuses for him and say he's a good person...sorry I'm ranting.

I just mean to say men and women are very different when it comes to socializing, you may have already told him something about the couple that he didn't like and he doesn't want to say it in case it spoils it for you

Abi

sadgal1977 wrote: »

he either works or sits in front of the tv or internet all night and doesn't talk.

Fine with working, but he doesn't talk to you in the evenings? You're going to have to tell him that it has to stop, you need attention and someone to talk about your day with. If he doesn't change his ways, I personally wouldn't stay with him. Why should you put up with that?? So ignorant, and selfish.


I'd tell him to change, or their will be bigger changes than he'd bargained for..

Wompa1

Abi wrote: »

Fine with working, but he doesn't talk to you in the evenings? You're going to have to tell him that it has to stop, you need attention and someone to talk about your day with. If he doesn't change his ways, I personally wouldn't stay with him. Why should you put up with that?? So ignorant, and selfish.


I'd tell him to change, or their will be bigger changes than he'd bargained for..

What she said about the not talking to you in the evenings. That's crap.

But I wouldn't go at him with an ultimatum. A lot of men don't wear their emotions like women do, he could be going through a very tough time mentally, come at it compassionately and you'll have more success

Miss Fluff

Rather than arrange a big night out why don't you tell your OH that you're inviting them around for dinner one evening. He might feel more comfortable on his own turf and a bite to eat at home might be quite a chilled way of getting to know one another.

Kevin Duffy

sadgal1977 wrote: »

Kevin, he is a really quite lad who has no interest in anything only working. He is a fantastic father though and adores our son to bits. He just has no interest in socialising with anyone lately. Even his own family and friends. He has no interests in anything only working.
.

Hi again OP, it looks like I was barking up the wrong tree so, but I would be asking him why he has no interest in socialising with the people he previously did. Anything happen with them? Money worries? Is he a little down in general? Is he perhaps resenting the baby a little (he wouldn't be the first)?