Un-social House mate

LegacyUser

Hello. Its not a bad problem and im sure a lot of people would be happy to have this but i shall shoot anyway. My housemate moved into my house 3 months ago. He's a good guy, friendly, quiet, tidy and pretty much a dream for a lot of people to live with, you wouldnt even know he lives here.

The only thing is that he is not very social. He goes to work, comes home, says hello if we see each other and goes straight to his room. He stays in his room for all of his time here unless he needs to eat or use the bathroom. I always offer him the use of the sitting room but he says, its grand he is ok in his room. Sometimes during the weekend i would go out for a while and he would be in the sitting room watching tv. When it happens he usually gets whatever stuff he has, says asks me how i am and then leaves the room.

Ive talked to him about it and he just said "Im a solitary animal, like a Tiger". He isnt a very shy person either. If we are in the kitchen together for whatever reason he is very chatty and has lots of friends but hardly leaves the house. It actually gets quite lonely sometimes in the house as i might as well be living alone. I would have a conversation or two a week with him. I want to include him more in the household and let him use the sitting room or invite friends over. I know he has a good few friends as i usually see pics of him on facebook with his mates. Ive never met any of his mates as he doesnt invite anyone over, its a nice small newly built house as well. I was going to throw him a house warming but he was very against it.

I feel like i am making him a prisoner in his room because i know if i wasnt living here he would use the sitting room and invite friends over. Is this guy strange or is he really just a "Solitary animal, like a tiger"?

fghijkl

lol sounds like your describing the male version of me OP!

Some people (like me) find being around people constantly very draining, when you come home you just want to relax and be alone and have some me time tbh.

If he's working all day he's prob sick of talking/making conversation with people, it's nice to come home and just have some peace and quiet alone.

With regards the tv thing i used to do this all the time, i'd watch it when no one was around, but there's nothing worse than when the flatmate comes home and you have to make small talk, in my case i had to make small talk to people all day in my job, i just didn't have the patience or energy to have to do it in my home aswell!

I wouldn't call him unsocial at all tbh, you say he chats away to you, he just happens to like his own company after a long day! I know some people like to see their flatmates as "friends" or something, but some people don't, It's nothing to do with you OP just the kind of person he is, sounds like a win win situation to me you have a nice flatmate you get along with and have the house to yourself most of the time!

Abi

It does sound like this is just his thing OP, and he's not going to change regardless of whatever efforts you put in. I think he just likes his 'me time' where he has his own space, and doesn't have to make small talk with anyone.

I don't mean this to sound cheeky, but he's not obligated to socialise with you. You said it sometimes feels lonely in the house, do you bring over your own friends? You probably shouldn't be relying on a house mate for company. He seems pleasant enough, but just likes his space. You're just going to have to accept that I'm afraid

tenchi-fan

He's not strange. He just likes his space. He's probably sharing a house because it's cheaper than renting his own. If you don't like it, give him notice and find someone else.

LegacyUser

Leave the chap alone. You've been told straight he prefers his own company. He has no problem with it, you do.

It actually gets quite lonely sometimes in the house as i might as well be living alone. I would have a conversation or two a week with him. I want to include him more in the household and let him use the sitting room or invite friends over. I know he has a good few friends as i usually see pics of him on facebook with his mates. Ive never met any of his mates as he doesnt invite anyone over, its a nice small newly built house as well. I was going to throw him a house warming but he was very against it.

There were 6 mentions of the word 'I' there OP, it's not all about you. He wants a peaceful homelife, YOU want a friend. He is friendly but he doesn't want to be friends. It's pretty simple.

If you are lonely then get your own friends.

I feel like i am making him a prisoner in his room because i know if i wasnt living here he would use the sitting room and invite friends over. Is this guy strange or is he really just a "Solitary animal, like a tiger"?

I, I, I again.

Yes, he's *really* just a solitary animal. Again, you need to listen properly. He's not one bit strange. You aren't personally making him a 'prisioner' he would avoid anybody by the sounds of it. But you are being very thick skinned and refusing to get the hint. Leave him alone!

Distorted

I sympathise with you OP. I've lived with someone like this and I don't think it makes for a comfortable house share. I think it makes life so much easier if you make a habit of using the communal areas, especially the lounge, maybe just to watch tv the odd evening for a couple of hours. That way, you avoid the embarrassment of tip-toeing around each other if you do happen to be in the same area of the house at the same time.

But then I was always told that its good manners to make people feel at ease and to try and be reasonably friendly and sociable (as opposed to faux polite).

I think people like you describe probably want to live on there own but the reality is that they do not live on their own, and it makes life easier for everyone if they put more effort into being a little more sociable. I don't know if this is something you could say to him though, as some people would take it the wrong way, whereas others know it inherently.

tinkerbell

OP - be happy that you have what appears to be a dream housemate. As for the socialising, he's prob just tired from work and wants some peace n quiet. He's your housemate, it doesn't automatically equate to being friends.

tiny_penguin

Distorted wrote: »

I sympathise with you OP. I've lived with someone like this and I don't think it makes for a comfortable house share. I think it makes life so much easier if you make a habit of using the communal areas, especially the lounge, maybe just to watch tv the odd evening for a couple of hours. That way, you avoid the embarrassment of tip-toeing around each other if you do happen to be in the same area of the house at the same time.

But then I was always told that its good manners to make people feel at ease and to try and be reasonably friendly and sociable (as opposed to faux polite).

I think people like you describe probably want to live on there own but the reality is that they do not live on their own, and it makes life easier for everyone if they put more effort into being a little more sociable. I don't know if this is something you could say to him though, as some people would take it the wrong way, whereas others know it inherently.

But for people like him, it would make him ill at ease to act in a way that is not natural to him. So to expect anything else from him would be to contradict what you said. She has said he is friendly and chatty when they are in the same room together, he would just rather spend time on his own and thats up to him. There are plenty of reasons why someone would rather live in a house share then on their own. I dont think its right to bring it up with him at all, as that will just make him feel uncomfortable and like he has to be her friend. Not everyone living in a houseshare is looking for friends.

solovely

I'm not surprised you got the response you did here OP. Whenever people post about antisocial housemates, workmates, etc. people always go in favour of the antisocial person.

Personally, I find it very difficult to live with antisocial people, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and ill at ease. You spend more time at home than anywhere else, so obviously you should want to feel like you be yourself and that the other person/ people there appreciate your company. I have lived with a few quiet people before and was very glad to move on from them.

I don't know what advice to give. It is really hard, and it sounds as though you have talked about it with him and made the effort. Is it your own house or are you both joint tenants? Does he feel uncomfortable because you have been there more than him? Does he bring friends around when you're not there? Do any of your friends have anything in common with him? Maybe tell him you have a friend who is into x and so is he, and say your friend would love to chat to him about it, and see will he open up. Maybe ye just need to get some common ground.

Really though, I think people who think it's normal to come home at the end of a day and lock themselves in a room all night without talking to anybody should live alone - it's not fair on other people who want social interaction and chose to live in a house share. I would worry about people like this and how they'll function when it comes to relationships, etc.

Abi

solovely wrote:

Really though, I think people who think it's normal to come home at the end of a day and lock themselves in a room all night without talking to anybody should live alone - it's not fair on other people who want social interaction and chose to live in a house share. I would worry about people like this and how they'll function when it comes to relationships, etc.

People that rather their own space but are shacked up with others in a house share rarely would choose that situation for themselves. It's down to finances, and merely an arrangement to benefit both the housemate and the leaseholder.

What he signed up for was a room and the use of the utilities in the house, not a new best friend. I'm amazed that some people seem to think a house mate is obligated to socialize with them. He's a grown man, he can do as he pleases.

tiny_penguin

solovely wrote: »

Really though, I think people who think it's normal to come home at the end of a day and lock themselves in a room all night without talking to anybody should live alone - it's not fair on other people who want social interaction and chose to live in a house share. I would worry about people like this and how they'll function when it comes to relationships, etc.

Not sure where you would get that from - or think its your place to judge or worry about people you dont know. The OP did say she knows the guy has loads of friends, so clearly he is not lacking anything there. Just because somebody likes to spend time on their own - how does that equate to them having issues in relationships?

solovely

tiny_penguin wrote: »

Not sure where you would get that from - or think its your place to judge or worry about people you dont know. The OP did say she knows the guy has loads of friends, so clearly he is not lacking anything there. Just because somebody likes to spend time on their own - how does that equate to them having issues in relationships?

In my opinion it does yeah, but that's just my opinion!
In my opinion it seems pretty obvious that people who spend a lot of time on their own and prefer their own company to the company of others are not good at forging healthy relationships with others....not to say they never can do.

I'm sorry if you have a problem with me thinking it's odd that somebody would actively choose to live with other people, then actively choose to ignore them, but that's my opinion and also seems the opinion of the OP.

Babooshka

solovely wrote: »

In my opinion it does yeah, but that's just my opinion!
In my opinion it seems pretty obvious that people who spend a lot of time on their own and prefer their own company to the company of others are not good at forging healthy relationships with others....not to say they never can do.

I'm sorry if you have a problem with me thinking it's odd that somebody would actively choose to live with other people, then actively choose to ignore them, but that's my opinion and also seems the opinion of the OP.

The OP said he makes small talk with them so he isn't "actively" ignoring them.

I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of how things "should" be...and maybe some people think house shares should be like an episode of "Friends" whereby everyone hangs out together. Sometimes it's just hard to accept that something is what it is, and that it's no one's fault, and his lifestyle choice doesn't make him wrong and the OP right or vice versa... it just is what it is sometimes. And it's pretty terrible, and very innacurate to comment on whether someone is capable of forging healthy relationships based on the fact that they are solitary. Some of the most sociable and healthy, successful people are very quiet when at home and prefer no noise when they close their door. It's just for some peace and solitude, it doesn't mean they're an axe murderer or anything.

Miss Fluff

My housemate moved into my house 3 months ago. He's a good guy, friendly, quiet, tidy and pretty much a dream for a lot of people to live with, you wouldnt even know he lives here.

You've more or less described the perfect housemate then

It actually gets quite lonely sometimes in the house as i might as well be living alone.

That's entirely your problem. If you are lonely you probably need to expand your social circle and fill your life with more people if that's what you want. If the evenings are lonely then make sure you organise social outings or activities/sports to keep you occupied and keep the loneliness at bay.

He's your housemate so the arrangement is to pay the bills on time, be respectful of one another and one another's property and be civil and he's doing all of that. He didn't sign up to be your friend. Tbh I think that's fair enough.

Distorted

tiny_penguin wrote: »

But for people like him, it would make him ill at ease to act in a way that is not natural to him. So to expect anything else from him would be to contradict what you said. She has said he is friendly and chatty when they are in the same room together, he would just rather spend time on his own and thats up to him. There are plenty of reasons why someone would rather live in a house share then on their own. I dont think its right to bring it up with him at all, as that will just make him feel uncomfortable and like he has to be her friend. Not everyone living in a houseshare is looking for friends.

But the more you work at social skills, the more they flow naturally so you do not have to work at them any more. I know plenty of people house sharing and they have commented that they prefer a housemate who has the ability to socialise and be friendly when living together in the same space than one who gives the opinion that they can't wait to be out of your sight.

tiny_penguin

Distorted wrote: »

But the more you work at social skills, the more they flow naturally so you do not have to work at them any more. I know plenty of people house sharing and they have commented that they prefer a housemate who has the ability to socialise and be friendly when living together in the same space than one who gives the opinion that they can't wait to be out of your sight.

And I know plenty of people in houseshares who would rather it the way of the OP's housemate - and plenty who like somewhere in the middle. Everyone is different and its not up to anyone to decide what is right or wrong.

And as the OP herself said, he is not shy, chatty when they are in the same room and has plenty of friends so there is no evidence that he needs to work on his social skills. And im sure if I were him and someone suggested this to me I would be highly insulted at the insinuation.

For lots of people the only time you get to yourself is when you are at home, as has been suggested by others maybe he has a job that entails a lot of social interaction and needs some chill out time - its really not for anyone to judge. He is not rude to her, he is clean, presumably pays rent and bills on time, and does not ignore the OP completely. If the OP is lonely then why not invite friends over, or visit friends more often instead of trying to force their housemate to be friends with them.

boarddotie

Me and my hosuemates were in a similar situation once. There were 3 of us who loved meeting in the sitting room and watching TV together and chatting. And our new housemate was not interested and just went to her room all the time.

So she might have been anti-social/shy/tired/liked her own company/hated us whatever. We didnt care, her actions made up feel uncomfortable, she paid the rent to us and basicially she was a waste of a housemate!

I know that sounds harsh but we learned our lesson. The next time we were meeting potential housemates we made it clear that we liked to socialise within the house togther.

Hopefully this is a lesson learned OP, to be more choosy about your housemate if you want one who will gel with you.

IrishEyes19

solovely wrote: »

I'm not surprised you got the response you did here OP. Whenever people post about antisocial housemates, workmates, etc. people always go in favour of the antisocial person.

Personally, I find it very difficult to live with antisocial people, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and ill at ease. You spend more time at home than anywhere else, so obviously you should want to feel like you be yourself and that the other person/ people there appreciate your company. I have lived with a few quiet people before and was very glad to move on from them.

I don't know what advice to give. It is really hard, and it sounds as though you have talked about it with him and made the effort. Is it your own house or are you both joint tenants? Does he feel uncomfortable because you have been there more than him? Does he bring friends around when you're not there? Do any of your friends have anything in common with him? Maybe tell him you have a friend who is into x and so is he, and say your friend would love to chat to him about it, and see will he open up. Maybe ye just need to get some common ground.

Really though, I think people who think it's normal to come home at the end of a day and lock themselves in a room all night without talking to anybody should live alone - it's not fair on other people who want social interaction and chose to live in a house share. I would worry about people like this and how they'll function when it comes to relationships, etc.

I didnt think socialising came with the terms and conditions of the lease. :rolleyes: You cant force someone to socialise with someone else. Not everyone is born with confidence and Id personally be very uncomfortable if a housemate threw me a housewarming, if not slightly freaked out. :eek:

Some people dont click well together, why should the guy have to sit in the living room and be so uncomfortable to satisfy the OP, no offence OP. Ive had a lot of housemates in my college years, and very different ones. But if someone is very private and wants to keep to themselves, as long as they are tidy and respectable, its ok with me. Naturally it would be nice to have a housemate who's chatty and very comfortable in your presence. But your dealing with reality here, not fairy-land, people are all different. Let the guy do what he wants and spend time with your own friends like before. Maybe in time, he'll relax a little and open up, and maybe he wont. But it shouldnt be any of your concern. best of luck

G86

He doesn't have any interest in socialising with you - that doesn't mean he's 'anti-social'.

I'm similar in that I like to chill out and have my own space, and alot of the time I'm just not in the mood to make idle chit chat. I like my housemate, and I go out with her the odd time too, but I'd hate to feel 'obliged' to have to sit in the living room for a few hours every evening just to be 'social'! I generally train after work, and when I get home it's late enough so I just crash out on the bed and watch something on the laptop - I can't exactly do that in the living room if she's watching something on tv sure.

I also lived with people before who are still great friends of mine now, and I'd spend time with them heading out at weekends etc., but I still liked my space even then. So no, him not wanting to talk to you every evening doesn't mean he's anti-social, you're just different types of people!

Milky Moo

Leave him be!
I am very social person,but when I get home, I just want to decompress.

Some people like their own company from time to time, it seems that he does. It is no reflection on you! So just leave him be!

Frei

The eternal conflict between those that need to talk to people all the time and those of us that like peace and time to ourselves. That is why I choose to live alone. Why must people take offence if you do not want to talk to them?

And for those who think that being on your own in your room is weird, how else are you able to read, write, create art?

Some people gain energy from being around others, some from being by themselves. it's not rocket science.

fghijkl

solovely wrote: »

Really though, I think people who think it's normal to come home at the end of a day and lock themselves in a room all night without talking to anybody should live alone - it's not fair on other people who want social interaction and chose to live in a house share. I would worry about people like this and how they'll function when it comes to relationships, etc.

Really what an odd attitude, personally i'd consider people who weren't comfortable in their own company and who needed constant interaction (or people who lived in a house share as a means of aquiring social interaction/friends) as the ones who were more likely to function poorly in relationships. It screams insecurity and neediness.

In my opinion it seems pretty obvious that people who spend a lot of time on their own and prefer their own company to the company of others are not good at forging healthy relationships with others....not to say they never can do.

Equally people who need constant social interaction and are not comfortable being alone, are in my opinion incredibly needy and usually end up in terribly unhealthy relationships just "for the sake of being in a relationship" because they just can't function on their own, are afraid of being alone and can't stand on their own two feet.

I'm sorry if you have a problem with me thinking it's odd that somebody would actively choose to live with other people, then actively choose to ignore them, but that's my opinion and also seems the opinion of the OP.

He doesn't ignore her, the Op said herself he's chatty.

If the OP is "lonely" and wants friends then she should go out and join a club, take up a hobby etc, it's not her flatmates responsibility to entertain her. He's her flatmate not her babysitter.

Distorted wrote: »

But the more you work at social skills, the more they flow naturally so you do not have to work at them any more.

But he has social skills, he's chatty and has loads of friends according to the OP. Liking time to relax and be alone does not mean you have no social skills....

If he was one of those horribly obnoxiously loud people who talked and talked and talked all the time and the OP never got a moments quiet and she came on here asking for advice would you tell her she should 'work at her social skills' so she could be more social to him??..... doubt it tbh.

trio

This sounds like me in my last house share.

It was the 13th (I think) house I had shared with people in my adult life. I LONGED to have a place of my own, but couldn't afford it.

I craved privacy. I had spent years and years making small talk with people I didn't know. Everyone was very nice (usually) but I was worn out. You get to a stage where you come in from work, wrecked tired, and you have to wait for the cooker, and make chat with whomever is in the room, and wash up straight away, and then watch Coronation Street or something "neutral" in the sitting room, with everyone else.

There were so much etiquette to navigate - I ached for a wee place of my own.

In my last house share I was thrilled to eventually graduate to a big room with an ensuite. I had a shower I didn't have to share! I could watch TV in my room and flick around endlessly and watch whatever I wanted!

My housemates were nice. I still had to do the cooker dance, and make chat - but after dinner I trotted off to my room and it was BLISS not to have to talk to anyone! I was as friendly and smiley and personable as I could be - but I viewed them as housemates, not close friends, and I didn't think I owed them anything other than being a clean, pleasant and responsible housemate.

ongarboy

Interesting thread and I wholeheartedly agree with everything fghijkl said. Contrary to someone who said that people who actively seek houseshares should become friends with their housemates, I would think most people who house share, do so because they can't afford to pay for their own place and not for making new friends. (Sure, making friends with housemates is something that can naturally evolve but is not a stipulation or should be forced if it is not 100% mutual). If you work with 20 people, must you be friends with all of them to perform your job successfully??

Perhaps OP and one or two other posters here are envious that their "solitary" housemates are not as needy as them for social interaction because those "solitary" housemates have a full and active social life outside the bricks and mortar environment they are just using for accommodation purposes only(and not social).

Just remember, you can't be friends with everyone. People are different and as long as they don't interfere or upset your life, let them be. There is nothing as pathetic as a forced friendship or relationship that is not mutually reciprocated. People who try to force this would say to me that they're the ones with relationships/social interaction/neediness issues rather than someone who chooses not to engage with housemates.

Firetrap

That's it in a nutshell, isn't it? Not all houseshares are like an episode of Friends.

I get the impression that the OP's home life is a bit empty and that they were hoping that this guy would become a new best buddy. Perhaps he/she is feeling rejected because the house mate doesn't want to be friends.

Leave this guy alone and don't make him feel uncomfortable enough to want to move out. You never know what you could get to replace him.

JonathanAnon

I dont see what you're problem is.. Are you offended by the fact that he would rather be alone than in the sitting room talking to you?

He's in the house to live, eat, shower etc etc.. not to provide entertainment for you ... Just dont take his wishes for a solitary life as a rejection of you .. He just likes his own space, as I do myself..

IHeartChemistry

I was like that for my first year of college. My housemates realised this and made my life more uncomfortable. I have loads of friends, I have a boyfriend. I just prefer chilling in my own space rather than with them. I would sit and sociailise with them of course. But I wanted 'me' time. S'not too much to ask really. At the end of it, my housemates and I hated each other. I'm not quiet, shy or rude. I just needed more time to myself. We also had nothing in common. Just relax OP. Some people are just like that.