Lonely

LegacyUser

Like the title says i guess, I'm just so lonely lately, really lonely. I just feel like i have nobody to talk to, sorry if this turns into a rant

I only have 2 real close friends and i'm starting to wonder if they're really friends at all to be honest, I'm always the friend who listens to everyones problems, tries to make them see the bright side, offer advice. Every time i phone someone or talk to them the first words out of my mouth are 'how are you?'. But i can't even remember the last time anyone asked me how i was.

I thought i could rely on my friends and they'd listen to me like i'd listen to them, but it seems not. i tried to talk to one of them recently about a problem i had, and she just snapped at me 'oh we all have to deal with that' 'wait till "x thing" happens then you'll know all about it'. I know it's hard to believe from this post but i rarely talk about my problems, so i know it's not that i'm always moaning, in fact i usually end up bottling everything in, pretending everythings ok, even when people are horrible to me or put me down i'll never rise to it, i'll just change the subject or walk away, of course then i'll cry myself to sleep at night wondering why people are so selfish.

I rang my other friend today and she was apparently in a huge rush and couldn't talk...until she remembered something she needed advice about and ended up asking my advice for the next 20mins, then as soon as she got it was in a huge rush again

If my family happen to see that i'm sad, they just tell me to cop on and stop moaping. They'll never ask me what's wrong, not that i could talk to them anyway...

I wonder if maybe i'm too soft, i seem to only remember all the bad things that people say to me, never the good. When my friends bicker over something it seems like they can just move on and forget about it, while i see bickering/arguing as a reflection on me, i hate it and find it so hurtful and will replay an argument over and over in my head.

My love life is a joke. Never had a bf. When i meet men i tend to be all smiley and jokey and take the pi** out of them and myself, (Not in a loud way as i'm quite shy)unfortunately this only gets me so far, i'll get asked out on a date or two but it never leads to anything more, i guess i feel like they're only interested in the 'fun, smiley me'. It's like i'm terrified of letting men get to know the real me, letting them know how vulnerable i actually am. Who wants to go out with a moany cow after all:(.

Oh god this has turned into a big stupid rant.
All i wanted today was for one person to listen to me. I wasn't looking for advice or sympathy. I just wanted them to listen.

All i want is a boyfriend or a friend, just someone i can talk to about the trivial stuff which is getting me down, someone who will just listen to me every now and again when things get on top of me and give me a little cuddle of reassurance.
How do people do it? when you're single and alone, how do you deal with things? Who do you talk to? The bottling things in stuff just isn't working anymore, i know i'm going to cry myself to sleep again tonight, that isn't healthy, but it's the only way i can get my feelings out when i've nobody to talk to. I don't know what the alternative is? Talk to a councellor? my problems are so trivial i'd feel stupid going to one when there are others with much much bigger problems than me.

Sorry for being so moany.

thefeatheredcat

OP, firstly you are not being moany in the slightest at all!

I've been in your situation with friends like that and I know how hard it is, believe me I do. I was the exact same as you, always the one people came to with problems and listened to them, helped out with advice, but when it came to me and my problems, nobody gave me the time of day. So I know it hurts.

Everyone needs someone to lean on at one time or other, and that should be a two way street in any friendship and relationship, even with family members.

While you are feeling this way, talk it out, don't do what i did and deal with it alone. Last week I dropped by The Samaritans office looking just for information on something I was dealing with by myself, and I ended up being sat down and they pulled it out of me. I was so grateful to get it out of me too, and it made me happier inside. I actually was asked how I am, how I am coping with the situation and that had been the first time in a very long time that someone actually sat with me and asked me that and listened to me, and I mean actually listened and asked open questions on the situation and that felt fantastic to actually have someone really listen to what I was saying, for a change. And I have to say too, it was something that to me was quite trivial and I felt bad taking up a person's time because I felt that there were others that had bigger matters and they said not to be worrying about that... so if you do go, don't worry about that either! Nothing is too trivial that isn't important to an individual who is reaching out for help.

With your friends, maybe you need to make yourself a bit less available to them at their disposal? They may look to you as being a strong person that can help out and cope with other people's difficulties as well as your own, regardless if you have things to deal with yourself or not. However, you need to be able to draw the line.

Personally I don't mind if friends and family ask for help/advice or need someone to talk to.... I just don't like that it had been in the past the only time they contacted me and for myself, I found that was the only reason some friends called me anyway, so I made myself unavailable for them when I saw it and then realised that there was nothing more to that friendship than me being their constant shoulder to cry on or ear to listen when I deserved more than that from a friendship and look for more than that in friendships now. It may not be the same for you but it is worth considering if they just engage with you for this, or a monopoly of this in the friendship or also spend time with you enjoying the other aspects of the friendship?

misssadfaceunderthehappyface wrote: »

in fact i usually end up bottling everything in, pretending everythings ok, even when people are horrible to me or put me down i'll never rise to it, i'll just change the subject or walk away, of course then i'll cry myself to sleep at night wondering why people are so selfish.

Don't let people put you down and don't let other people's behaviour impact you in anyway... if people put you down, from my experience it is their own insecurities that cause it and is more a reflection upon them and not you at all.

I do think that you sound like a very strong person and you have a lot on your plate to deal with at the moment and sound a bit low in yourself as a result... but you know what the really amazing thing is? You will overcome these obstacles! And the more of the obstacles that you face up to and deal with, the easier it will become and the more confident you will feel in yourself and the happier you will feel.

I used to deal with it by dealing with it alone and bottling it up but I am more now in talking about things openly with those that I know will listen, even if sometimes it's just limited to online here, for example. And I have progressed since and have found that the more open I am about things the happier I feel inside because it's not all weighing me down by having it bottled up.

robman60

Hi OP. I've often wondered similar things about myself; like am I "too soft" etc. Truth is, noone is too soft, people just have different ways of feeling and expressing emotion.

To be honest, your friends seem somewhat selfish, too caught up in their own lives to consider other people. I think you should try to find new friends, but that doesn't mean you should instantly discard these people. Try to be more outgoing, I know everyone won't find it easy, but what have you got to worry about? Sure, you won't be everyone's cup of tea, but a relaxed and calm attitude are always nice personal attributes.

The way you speak about your social interactions makes me feel as if you're trying to hide the real you. As if you're making a conscious effort to portray something different for fear of people's perception of opinion for the real you. Trying to keep up an "act" is never good, and true friends will accept you for who you are. Some people will advise joining clubs and internet dating, others more nights out etc. To be honest, it's a personal choice which you hould try to make. I'm not exactly able to give much relationship advice tbh, I'm pretty clueless in that regard, so hopefully someone else will help you there.

Your loneliness is something I can relate to however. Do you feel as if everyone's situation is better than yours? I often feel that too, accepting yourself for who you are can be tough, but I just try to do that and it keeps me motivated most days. As for counselling, I'm of the opinion that counselling is only suited to certain people. I've never really tried it, but it's a subjective thing whether or not it would be beneficial. You have nothing to lose by trying it out, and who knows what benefits it may have? Try it if you think it may help.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Could have written that post myself, been in similar situation. No your not moaning. I know what it's like just to have only 2 really close friends, be there for them & not always get the same support back.
Same when it comes to men, similar approach to yourself. My only advice is to slowly build up your confidence, talk to people even if it's just about ordinary mundane things. I didn't realise for a long time that I just kept everything bottled up. And don't put yourself down (easier said than done sometimes!!) this does take time, writing things down can also help, especially if you re-read it after a few weeks/months.
Why not post your problem on boards, sometimes a strangers advice can be useful. Also don't just let your friends walk all over you, it's like a routine for them they know you will be there but you really need to stand up for your self and say something like I really need/would appreciate your advice on this, I know I don't often come to you or talk about my problems but as my friend it would be great if you could help me out.

Buncha Fives

OP I would say there are loads of other people like you in the country...I am one for sure and I am a man. I put on an image all the time and most people would look at me and think I am completely satisfied with my life when nothing could be further from the truth.

I am getting to a stage where all my friends are getting married and I dont even have a girl friend...the reason being I am an utter disaster with women and what makes it worse is that I am supposedly a good looking guy and regularly girls crack onto me but I usually get all nervous and blow any chance I have. I was at a party recently and all the lads were on about this girl that turned-up, after a while she came over and started to chat me up and of course I got nervous drank too much and blew my chances the rest of the lads were baffled at how I let the chance slip by and at this stage I wouldnt be surprised if some of them think I am gay. This story doesnt sound if it could happen but believe me its true.

Even though I have a lot of associates (for the want of a better word) there is only really 2 people who I can really speak to and some times I get so depressed I get it hard to figure out what the point of it all is. I am kind of getting to a stage where my expectations for life are starting to change a lot, il just have to keep going and hope that some day things will fall into place but at the moment I feel like a fish out of water. Now thats a rant!!