Questioning My Sanity

LegacyUser

I'll give a brief on my life up until now.

I'm a 20 y/o male. When I was younger, I always knew implicitly that I was different to other people in the way I acted. Throughout primary school I always remember getting in trouble, not haven't any friends and being bullied. I never remember going out and meeting others my age.

In secondary school I quietened down dramatically, in term of my behavior and indeed social interaction. Again, didn't have much friends, didn't talk much to other people, stayed inside most of the time, didn't go out like most other normal people and I wasn't physically active. I was very conscious of my appearance.

It was only in six year that I started to come out of my cage a bit and start networking more with people I had known from school. However, I always used to question whether I was doing or saying the right things when I was talking to people; I was kind of paranoid about it and if I made a fool of myself it would bother me for weeks on end.

I'm going into 3rd year in college again since I started I've returned back to myself. I tried to get involved in societies but I don't feel comfortable around people. Any time I talk to people I question everything I said to evaluate if it made me look weird in front of others or not. I'm terrified of being viewed as a weirdo but I think that people already think I am; I think people see me as the guy who never talks to people and says awkward things, in a sense it's kind of true.

I am very fearful of how people see me; I've been very overweight since I can remember and I think that this aided my anxiety. I know I'm gay too, nobody else knows though and I don't want people to know for a long time yet because I know I won't be able for that sort of attention. What makes it worse is that my family is super conservative.

I'm off for the 3 months during the summer now, I can't find a job, I've very little work experience and I'm basically just lock myself up all day. I spend a lot of time on the internet too. I began to start questioning my sanity a while ago; the way I'd do things and the thoughts I have about reality, I'm beginning to think that my perception of reality is a bit skewed to how other people think.

Lately, I began imagining things in one particular corner of my bedroom or at the end of my bed that aren't there. I periodically look over at that corner to make sure there's nothing there. Somehow I imagine mere patterns on my wall to resemble faces and stuff. I guess you're thinking "WTF" but I don't think I'm psycho or schizophrenic or anything it only happened very recently - literally only a few weeks ago. I know it's not normal though. I think it's something to do with the fact that I've always been very paranoid. A lot of my behavior can be attributed to paranoia I think.

I know this can only be cured if I start interacting more but I don't know how because of my lack of social skills.

greengiant09

i know it's sounds daunting but go to a doctor.....you probably think they'll look at you like you have 2 heads but believe me, they've heard all sorts of stuff over the years......you could have social anxiety disorder or OCD....best check it with a medical professional.

LegacyUser

"Paranoid" strikes me as too strong a term to use, OP. You're clearly very self-conscious and mistrusting of others, but being on edge and actually thinking that other people are out to get you are two very different beasts.

Seeing patterns and things, again, doesn't seem all that bad to me... the human mind is programmed to see patterns even where none exist. It's only if you start reading too much into things that it becomes a problem. You come across as though you know what you're thinking is a bit mad, and I don't get the impression that you're dwelling on it.

I did counselling for social anxiety myself not too long ago and I remember my counsellor saying that new people had nothing to offer except goodwill. That's true, and especially so in a college setting. People want to meet new people, it's half the point! Also, from my own experience: you're probably not regarded as a weirdo. It's very, very easy to blend into the wallpaper if you want to - if you sit in the corner at a social event and keep to yourself, the vast majority of people simply won't take any notice of you. They won't think you odd, they honestly just won't notice that you're there. You're much less conspicuous than you think you are.

I'm going to be blunt here: you should be aiming to come out in college. There's no more tolerant institution out there than a college; if you can't come out there, the "real world" is unlikely to be the place for you either. I can't stress enough how beneficial this would be for you. It doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't want it to - you don't have to be defined by your sexual orientation. Simply having a handful of friends who know would be such a help. Chances are your college has an LGBT society. There's a great amount of camaraderie about groups like that - they won't let you be left out.

And it's summer, there's been a break in the rain recently so why not work on losing some weight before you go back to college? You have plenty of free time as you say, and while it's not a cure-all, it would definitely help a lot too. There are plenty of places looking for volunteers as well, if you're looking for a pastime.

premierlass

I would second volunteering. That will give you some perspective and bring you into contact with people in a structured way which may be less stressful for you.

One possibility is that you might have a developmental disorder. Lack of understanding of social norms and severe difficulty in coping in society is characteristic of Asperger's, as are obsessive thoughts. However, it could be number of things, but I would urge you to get it investigated. You are hiding the fact that you are gay - that can't be helping. There is no shame in looking for help and it will help to talk to someone.

Maple

OP, please visit your GP to discuss your fears and to discuss a plan of treatment. Nobody here is qualified nor should attempt to diagnose what is happening with you.

All the best,

Maple