Friend has been lying - some scary stuff!

LegacyUser

I have a friend I met in college that is a bit older than the rest of us in the group. He always seemed like a nice man, good to have a pint with, lots of life experience. I always found him to be a bit of an exaggerator - some of the stories seemed a bit outlandish and often the story wouldn't make sense or the details wouldn't match up. Nothing that was of any harm to anyone though, so myself and the others never really pushed him on it.

He's been seeing a girl we went to college with for the last few years and things seemed to be fine. They had been fighting a lot lately and his behaviour seemed to be getting more and more strange. Getting angry for no reason, picking fights with her over crazy things but when pushed on these things he'd completely change the subject and it'd be like the argument never happened. This has been taking it's toll on his girlfriend and she ended their relationship. She loves him very much but knew it wasn't working.

After she ended it he sent her and myself a text to say that he was being tested for cancer. He had been ill lately and his stories have ranged from food poisoning to MRSA and now cancer. It all seemed pretty off but if someone you care about tells you they might have cancer you're going to believe them! He told his girlfriend that he was going to be admitted to hospital on Thursday for blood tests and a tissue biopsy. He told me that he was admitted to the hospital on Monday and had the tests on the Wednesday. On Friday he said he was still in the hospital. I asked which one and he told me but said "no visitors." I found that odd but didn't reply and a few minutes later he said "I'm sedated." I said "you don't seem very sedated". I mean how was he texting both myself and his girlfriend? Why would he ba admitted to the hospital 2 days before a blood test and why on earth would they have to sedate him? I have had family affected by cancer and they have all had their tests done on an out-patient basis. So while he was texting me, myself and his girlfriend decided it just wasn't adding up. She phoned to hospital to ask about his visiting hours. He's not there. The girl checked 4 times and he's not in the system. When confronted with this, he flipped. He's now claiming he told them not to give any information out and thats why he wasn't on the system and that he never wants to sopeak to either of us again.

I spoke to a friend of mine about this who is a nurse in a different hospital and she said that if someone rings to ask about a ward or visiting hours, the person on the phone will be told if the patient is in the hospital. She said that there are no 'flags' on the system to say don't say this patient is here, and that if a patient is in the hospital they will be in the system and the person will be told. She also said that a patient would never be admitted like that for blood and tissue tests and that if he was sedated he wouldn't be texting like that.

We both suspected that he was lying but we never thought he would go this far. We are both very worried about this. He clearly needs some professional help but we have no idea how to help. We have no contact details for any of his family, and his friends are just us.
We're also worried about what we should do about the other friends in the group. I have told 2 of them just in case he contacts them. I think they need to be aware of how unstable he is.

We're scared he might try to do something stupid.

LegacyUser

Your friend clearly has issues. I had a friend who was a compulsive lier, some of the lies she told was just insane. She eventually had a breakdown and was sectioned (She was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder) Not saying this is the same thing, but there is certainly something abnormal about such levels of deceit, especially when it is so easy to verify their truth.

I am a friend

Shocked2011 wrote: »

He clearly needs some professional help but we have no idea how to help.

Why do you think he is unstable / may do something stupid etc?

My first reaction is that he is leading a double life and may have a family holed up somewhere else..

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Why do you think he is unstable / may do something stupid etc?

My first reaction is that he is leading a double life and may have a family holed up somewhere else..

There is no family holed up somewhere. I have met his sister on many occasions I just don't know how to contact her.

Personally I don't think pretending you're in hospital getting tested for cancer are the actions of a stable person. Normal people don't do that. This went on for a week. A week of texts about what tests he was getting done, how he was dopey from the sedatives. Texting things like "Nice knowing you." "Goodbye forever" once confronted makes me wonder what the next attention seeking move will be.

Do you really not see this as bizarre behaviour?

sambuka41

Shocked2011 wrote: »

that he never wants to sopeak to either of us again.

We're scared he might try to do something stupid.

Let him never speak to you again. You know now that he was lying so don't entertain it. You are better off cutting contact and leaving him to it. Esp if you think he might do something, why would you maintain contact?? This is a grown man who is responsible for his own life. Leave him to it.

Personally I wouldn't tell anyone, its making a drama out of a poor man, who is attention seeking and you are giving it to him.

booboo88

sambuka41 wrote: »

Let him never speak to you again. You know now that he was lying so don't entertain it. You are better off cutting contact and leaving him to it. Esp if you think he might do something, why would you maintain contact?? This is a grown man who is responsible for his own life. Leave him to it.

Personally I wouldn't tell anyone, its making a drama out of a poor man, who is attention seeking and you are giving it to him.

I second the attention seeking, my ex was very like that.
Depression apparently, yet he was always in a good mood around the lads. I just bore the brunt of it, if i said anything i was the worst in the world

LegacyUser

It's possible that he's not sick and is lying for attention.

If he's been abusive to his EX-girlfriend she is better off without him.

I don't think there is anything anyone can do to help him. If he is doing this for attention then he is most likely not going to listen to anyones suggestions.

Cur him off.

I am a friend

Shocked2011 wrote: »

I have met his sister on many occasions I just don't know how to contact her.

Well it read like you knew nothing about him. can you not find her on facebook?

Shocked2011 wrote: »

Texting things like "Nice knowing you." "Goodbye forever" once confronted makes me wonder what the next attention seeking move will be.

Again you didnt explain this....

Shocked2011 wrote: »

Do you really not see this as bizarre behaviour?

It is but i think compulsive lying is bizarre in itself... Maybe he is in a treatment centre or somthing.

cats.life

There is no way would i ever want to get in touch with this person again, he dont have cancer or anything wrong with him. he just want to get noticed with big storys, be the man of the moment. ive just got told i have breast cancer, i got tested in outpatience, mammo gram, biopsy,s , blood test in the same place and went home again same day. im now just started haveing chemo' last week. i,m sick through to my stomache reading what he done . how can anyone say that they have cancer when they dont, its not to be joked about.

I am a friend

cats.life wrote: »

There is no way would i ever want to get in touch with this person again, he dont have cancer or anything wrong with him. he just want to get noticed with big storys, be the man of the moment. ive just got told i have breast cancer, i got tested in outpatience, mammo gram, biopsy,s , blood test in the same place and went home again same day. im now just started haveing chemo' last week. i,m sick through to my stomache reading what he done . how can anyone say that they have cancer when they dont, its not to be joked about.

+100...

Sorry to hear that Cats.life... Best of luck with your treatment and I am sending you good wishes.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Well it read like you knew nothing about him. can you not find her on facebook?

I've known him for 8 years. He doesn't get along with the sister I mentioned, has never introduced his GF to his family but I have met the sister, like I said on many occasions.

Also, not everyone is on facebook, so no I can't find this woman, in her late 50s, on facebook.

I am a friend wrote: »

Again you didnt explain this....

If I'm not being clear by all means ask me to clarify. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that someone I thought was my friend has been lying to me about something so serious. Your response reads like "Meh" to be quite honest. Thats cool though. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm looking for help though.

cats.life wrote:

There is no way would i ever want to get in touch with this person again, he dont have cancer or anything wrong with him. he just want to get noticed with big storys, be the man of the moment. ive just got told i have breast cancer, i got tested in outpatience, mammo gram, biopsy,s , blood test in the same place and went home again same day. im now just started haveing chemo' last week. i,m sick through to my stomache reading what he done . how can anyone say that they have cancer when they dont, its not to be joked about.

Sorry to hear about that cats.life. My boyfriends mother and my own aunt have both been through it and have come out the other side. All the best for your treatment hun.

And yes, I agree that this is not something you joke about. This man knows about my boyfriend's mother and also he knows about my 20 year old cousin who died last year from stomach cancer. He also knows that a member of his (ex)girlfriend's family has been battling cancer for the last few years and he knows how this has taken a massive toll on her. When we rumbled him he even had the nerve to say to her "I thought you of all people would understand whats going through my mind with this."

I'm wavering between concern and anger. Anger is winning at the moment. I don't want to have this man in my life anymore but I do want him to get some help. Also, another poster suggested not telling anyone else as it would give him attention he wants. I think its the opposite tbh. There are one or two of our friends that will fall for this, buy his bogus justifications for this madness, and give him the attention he wants. I feel like I have no obligation to keep this a secret. He has abused my trust and my friendship and I don't think I want to cover his arse for him. Its such a mess.

he is attention seeking, simple as.
cant accept the girlfriend broke up with him. wants to make everyone feel sorry for him. truly pathetic.

i wouldnt bother with him if i was you, he will find someone else to believe his crazy stories!

a friend of mine went out with a guy similar years ago, he became controlling, manipulative, we reckoned he was insecure and afraid of her leaving, he actually pulled the same trick on her when she was away at college (getting her own life, that he didnt like!)
he told her he was in for cancer treatment, she was so worried she went to the hospital to be there for him. he wasnt there, nor did he have cancer. it opened her eyes to exactly what he was really like, i hope it does the same for your friend. she doesnt need him in her life.

Sardonicat

Nothing but attention seeking.

He lied about having cancer, now he's playing on fears around suicide.

This is offensive and upsetting to anyone who has to deal with either cancer or depression. Neither of these conditions is something to lie about.

Compulsive liars have more going on then just lying in my experience. The lying is just the tip of the iceburg. Cut this nasty piece of work out of your life.

If he harms himself as a result of his gameplaying it won't be anyone's fault but his own. It will be a tragedy, of course, but not one you can do anything to prevent. He is preying on your good nature. Don't become a victim of this man's deceit and manipulation.

You say he has always been "an exagerater". Saddly, I'm related to someone like this man, and aswell as being a liar he cheats, commits fraud, steals and is violent. As a result i no longer tolerate people who habitually lie, whether about big stuff or small. I see it as a giant red flag and distance myself immediatley. A little over cautious perhaps, but better to be safe than sorry.

Edit: OP, i've just read your last post. There are some clues to his character right there. The fact that this guy has little or nno conctact with his family speaks volumes to me. He has never introduced his GF to his family. He doesn't get along with his sister. It could be they are used to his shananigins and have cut him from their lives, as we have had to do with our relative. We still get phone calls from "concerned friends" reporting that he has been admmited to hosp (lies), has cancer (lies) or people looking for money he owes them. Once, had someone offer their condolences to me on the death of my father who, I'm happy to say, is alive and well!

sam34

Shocked2011 wrote: »

I spoke to a friend of mine about this who is a nurse in a different hospital and she said that if someone rings to ask about a ward or visiting hours, the person on the phone will be told if the patient is in the hospital. She said that there are no 'flags' on the system to say don't say this patient is here, and that if a patient is in the hospital they will be in the system and the person will be told.

i dont think it's relevant in this particular case, but i work in a psychiatric ward and often people would ask us not to give any information out about them on the phone, so if someone rang in asking "is x a patient there" they would not be told they were.

sambuka41

Shocked2011 wrote: »

I'm wavering between concern and anger. Anger is winning at the moment. I don't want to have this man in my life anymore but I do want him to get some help. Also, another poster suggested not telling anyone else as it would give him attention he wants. I think its the opposite tbh. There are one or two of our friends that will fall for this, buy his bogus justifications for this madness, and give him the attention he wants. I feel like I have no obligation to keep this a secret. He has abused my trust and my friendship and I don't think I want to cover his arse for him. Its such a mess.

I can appreciate the anger, but if you take it on yourself to educate everyone about his lies then you are getting dragged into his drama and mess. Leave others to their own opinion of it, they'll learn. If they discuss it with you by all means tell the truth but dont get too involved in someone elses problems.

This isn't your drama, its not even your friends (his ex's) its his crap, put it back where it belongs, with him.

It will be a happier life for you.

LegacyUser

sam34 wrote: »

i dont think it's relevant in this particular case, but i work in a psychiatric ward and often people would ask us not to give any information out about them on the phone, so if someone rang in asking "is x a patient there" they would not be told they were.

Yeah we had considered this. I don't think he would actually take the step to get himself help. Not yet anyway as there are too many people still around him who could fall for this stuff. When my friend (his ex) phoned she said that the girl on the phone checked 4 times for her and sounded really genuine. This guy is claiming that he's not in the system at all because he asked for confidentialty. In your experience would the name still be in the system? Would someone go to that much effort to check 3 different spellings of names and his address?

If he's in a psychiatric ward would he have his phone? Either way he's still lying about the cancer. Thats something I don't think I can forgive and I guess I hope she won't either.

Sardonicat

Look at it this way, OP, if he is on a psych ward then he can't come to any harm.

It's highly unlikey that the receptionist would have gone to such lengths if it was a case of not wishing to disclose he was there to callers. She would have said something like "unfortuantely we can't disclose the names of our patients", or "I'm afraid I cannot confirm that he is here". Something short and sweet like that.

LittleMissLost

I'm only 18 so I'm not as hardened to the ways of the world as some of you, but I whole heartedly disagree with the people who are saying: "just cut off contact/ he's only attention seeking/ leave him to it".

Fair enough he is only a friend but from what OP has said it would seem that he has some sort of psychiatric problem. I don't know if there is an "attention seeking" mental illness but this is extreme.

Fair enough if you don't want to continue being friends with him, I can understand that but he is another human being! You can call a GP and ask them to make a "visit" and he/she can assess how mentally stable/unstable your friend is and they can decide the necessary action.

From experience I think someone like this is at risk of self harm/suicide and his outlandish claims may be a cry for help. On a selfish level, imagine how you would feel if, God forbid, he were to take his own life and you and his ex were the only two who had seen any of the warning signs? Just think about that.

My advice would be to call his GP and perhaps a mental health social worker and explain the situation. At least then you will have done something to try and help him.

I appologise if I come across as abrupt but some people's ignorance towards mental illness just makes me SO unbelieveably angry...

LittleMissLost

Shocked2011 wrote: »

Yeah we had considered this. I don't think he would actually take the step to get himself help. Not yet anyway as there are too many people still around him who could fall for this stuff. When my friend (his ex) phoned she said that the girl on the phone checked 4 times for her and sounded really genuine. This guy is claiming that he's not in the system at all because he asked for confidentialty. In your experience would the name still be in the system? Would someone go to that much effort to check 3 different spellings of names and his address?

If he's in a psychiatric ward would he have his phone? Either way he's still lying about the cancer. Thats something I don't think I can forgive and I guess I hope she won't either.

yes

sam34

Shocked2011 wrote: »

sam34 wrote: »

i dont think it's relevant in this particular case, but i work in a psychiatric ward and often people would ask us not to give any information out about them on the phone, so if someone rang in asking "is x a patient there" they would not be told they were.

Yeah we had considered this. I don't think he would actually take the step to get himself help. Not yet anyway as there are too many people still around him who could fall for this stuff. When my friend (his ex) phoned she said that the girl on the phone checked 4 times for her and sounded really genuine. This guy is claiming that he's not in the system at all because he asked for confidentialty. In your experience would the name still be in the system? Would someone go to that much effort to check 3 different spellings of names and his address?

If he's in a psychiatric ward would he have his phone? Either way he's still lying about the cancer. Thats something I don't think I can forgive and I guess I hope she won't either.

it depends who they rang- switchboard/ hospital reception would have the names of all patients and it wouldn't be blocked just because he asked for it. if she rang the ward and he had asked not to give out info then they wouldn't.

different psych wards have different policies on phones so he might or might not have it, impossible to say.

Babooshka

Can't blame you being angry at all about this, but if he was a good friend in the past with a tendency to fluff up a story to make it funnier and has advanced to this, I guess he has big problems.

If he is a good mate of yours, I would send him one final message saying that you're very worried about him but you can't help him or be his friend unless he is open and truthful with you about his problems and unless he chooses to do that, he won't be hearing from you again.

I agree with everyone else saying that it is his "stuff" and don't get too involved but if you want to extend your last hand of friendship provided he is willing to face up to stuff, then it might bring him to his senses and help him face facts.

LegacyUser

LittleMissLost wrote: »

Fair enough if you don't want to continue being friends with him, I can understand that but he is another human being! You can call a GP and ask them to make a "visit" and he/she can assess how mentally stable/unstable your friend is and they can decide the necessary action.

He's a man in his 40s. I don't know the name of his GP. Do you know the name of the GPs that all your friends attend?

LittleMissLost wrote: »

From experience I think someone like this is at risk of self harm/suicide and his outlandish claims may be a cry for help. On a selfish level, imagine how you would feel if, God forbid, he were to take his own life and you and his ex were the only two who had seen any of the warning signs? Just think about that.

I really, really don't appreciate the guilt trip there. I am not responsible for this grown man's behaviour. He was caught in the lie and had the perfect opportunity to fess up but instead he chose anger and telling myself and S that he never wanted to see us again. He was quite vicious in that regard.

LittleMissLost wrote: »

I appologise if I come across as abrupt but some people's ignorance towards mental illness just makes me SO unbelieveably angry...

I can assure you I am not ignorant when it comes to mental illness. I have said from the start that he obviously needs psychological help. However, the longer this goes on I don't see how I am in a position to get that for him. I can't make him get help. Getting a GP to turn up at his house (which I can't see happening when this man is in his 40s and is no relation to me) wouldn't do a lot of good because he wouldn't speak to a doctor. If you are recommending he be sectioned, well his family will have to deal with that.

sam34 wrote: »

it depends who they rang- switchboard/ hospital reception would have the names of all patients and it wouldn't be blocked just because he asked for it. if she rang the ward and he had asked not to give out info then they wouldn't.

different psych wards have different policies on phones so he might or might not have it, impossible to say.

Thanks sam34. It was the main reception/switch that she phoned because she had no idea what ward he was on.

Babooshka wrote: »

Can't blame you being angry at all about this, but if he was a good friend in the past with a tendency to fluff up a story to make it funnier and has advanced to this, I guess he has big problems.

If he is a good mate of yours, I would send him one final message saying that you're very worried about him but you can't help him or be his friend unless he is open and truthful with you about his problems and unless he chooses to do that, he won't be hearing from you again.

I agree with everyone else saying that it is his "stuff" and don't get too involved but if you want to extend your last hand of friendship provided he is willing to face up to stuff, then it might bring him to his senses and help him face facts.

Thanks Babooshka. I might give this a try. I can't see it working but no harm in trying I guess.

Babooshka

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hii OP,

I would just leave it as I doubt he will ever contact you again.

He knows he has been rumbled and is obviously mortified.

Absolutely awful as well that he would make up something about cancer knowing how many people are truly devastated by it in their lifetime.

It is despicable behaviour, and purely orchestrated to garner as much 'sympathy' as possible.

I dunno I think there's a lot more to it than purely looking for sympathy. Anyone in their right mind would know you wouldn't get sympathy for very long as you'd be found out pretty quick, so I think saying that the behaviour is disgraceful etc. is really judgment based on judging someone of sound mind, when really this person is most likely suffering with mental illness problems and yes, lying is not acceptable under any circumstances, but judging someone on the standards of a sane person when they might not be isn't really going to help either.

LegacyUser

Op,
Sounds terrible. I've been through similar with a former partner a few years back.
I was very young and naive and despite knowing it was all a way to keep my attention, I was so young and naive I always had the little "what if its true" in the back of my mind.

PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE.

I was told of illnesses, serious diseases, a pregnancy, staged "suicide attempts", etc... which all vanished once I regained contact. It began with small illnesses which would become worse and worse until I agreed to stay with her, as I began feeling these things were fake, she would up the ante.

Same as you said, she was a compulsive liar, always lying about things. When things became more serious in nature, no matter how much you questioned her she always had more lies to cover it up and throw you off track. Even when the lies didn't add up or seem to make sense, there was just so many lies and stories to cover her tracks that you'd be in such a twist you have no idea what was true and what was not.

IMO, he is not sick, but what he is doing IS.

My partner was diagnosed with bipolar disorder from what I could gather (assuming that was true) but being over 18 her family refused to do anything with her and she was just too deluded to see anything wrong herself, as far as I know she is still the same as ever.

In my case it took some people basically giving me a slap in the face and saying "Its ALL lies, EVERY WORD!"... which finally hit home, instead of trying to figure out what was real and what was a lie, I had to just realise, it was all lies, they would do ANYTHING to maintain contact. The longer I broke contact for, the worse things got and I ended up making contact again, knowing it would be bad but hoping it could stop some of the psychological abuse I was getting, for a while.

I really hope its not that bad with your case. I just hope I can get across the point that when someone has some psychological disorder, they just dont see it. They are manipulative and very smart in a lot of ways to do what they do but they just dont see it as being wrong. They will use your emotional ties to them and the fact that you are a good person to draw you in. No matter how much that voice in your head worries, it might be true, tell yourself its not... because ITS NOT!

Look how he was not diagnosed with anything... he is doing "tests" and drawing you out, if your friend gets back with him guess what... he will be given the all clear within days...
If they break up again... guess what... the doctors got it wrong, he now needs more serious tests and so and and so on.... please don't be drawn in.

My only advise it break all contact and cut him out of your life. He will be relentless to bring you all back in and will tug on every emotion you have, make you feel like the fantom cancer is your fault and that you are not there for him.... complete BULL!! Ignore him, move on, stay away from him. Hopefully he will eventually let it go but in my case it dragged on for about 2 years due to my own naivety and being so young I was drawn in when my emotions were pulled and I was blamed for things which could never have been my fault.

If all comes to all, once you've proven he is not sick, he may come back saying he had "issues" and was working on it. Again, I heard it time and time again. They were acknowledging having some mental issues and saying they were getting help but I checked some things out and it was all untrue, she was not receiving help. But its another way to tug on your emotions, thinking they are a friend who needs to be helped over these issues, again, its not your problem, move on, if they won't seek help thats their problem, not yours.

Its aweful what he is doing, its so manipulative and just disgusting. Please please please take my advice and have you, your friend and anyone else just stay out of contact with this guy if this is what he does, you dont need this in your life.

LegacyUser

Well, how things have turned :rolleyes:

Thank you all for the great advice. I have decided that as far as I'm concerned he's out of my life. I will not tolerate someone as toxic as this man.

He is continuing to take the moral high ground. He has been in contact with S and has told her that we were completely out of order "conspiring", that she was using me in the whole scenario but then decided that it was me leading her. She told me all of this so I sent him one final message that basically let him know that I was aware of the accusation, that he's nothing but a bully and that I will have absolutely no problem letting others know what he's been at should I be asked. I told him to get himself some much needed help. He didn't respond to me and instead went for her. He said that the "threats" I sent him were evidence of our "collusion" and then he told her "remember, people who play dirty with me don't come off well." I tried to explain to her that the reason he's directing it at her is because he knows full well he won't get anywhere with me. He can't bully me in the way he does her.

Her response to all of this? She doesn't want bad feeling. She doesn't want to hold a grudge. She wants to get him help. She doesn't want to exclude him from anything.

He has sent her a friend request on facebook (after deleting both herself and myself) and I asked her if she was going to accept..."not yet, but I will eventually." I told her fair enough. I can't say anything more. It hasn't even dawned on her that his reaction to me in all this (completely ignoring me) is because he knows he can't manipulate me. Both myself and herself were involved last week. We both rumbled him, we both said the same things to him yet it's me he's pinning it on. Its astonishing.

So basically, this whole thing is now going to be put down to me. He's going to manipulate her again and I'm going to be the baddie amongst the rest of the group. Its so ridiculous. He's been lying about CANCER ffs! I am so fúcking angry over the whole thing. I just want to shake her and try to make her see sense.

I think I'm done with the whole situation. I never want to set eyes on him again and if that means I lose her too, well so be it. He's a parasitic, pathetic bully and if she insists on having him in her life because she doesn't want to be seen as holding a grudge well thats her look out.

Thank you again for all the good advice. I couldn't give a crap now what this man does. He doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned.

cats.life

well then you just go your own way , as in carry on with your life let them do what they want to do op. delete numbers in your fone so you wont be tempted to txt or call them..

sambuka41

Shocked2011 wrote: »

So basically, this whole thing is now going to be put down to me. He's going to manipulate her again and I'm going to be the baddie amongst the rest of the group. Its so ridiculous. He's been lying about CANCER ffs! I am so fúcking angry over the whole thing. I just want to shake her and try to make her see sense.

Not to sound like I told you so, but I told you so. It was said to you earlier in the thread to leave the rest of them to discover the truth themselves for exactly this reason. You have been dragged into his mess and you have not come off the better of it.

Once again, you will have a better, happier life if you learn to leave the drama and crap where it belongs, WITH HIM.

sambuka41

LittleMissLost wrote: »

I'm only 18 so I'm not as hardened to the ways of the world as some of you, but I whole heartedly disagree with the people who are saying: "just cut off contact/ he's only attention seeking/ leave him to it".

Fair enough he is only a friend but from what OP has said it would seem that he has some sort of psychiatric problem. I don't know if there is an "attention seeking" mental illness but this is extreme.



I appologise if I come across as abrupt but some people's ignorance towards mental illness just makes me SO unbelieveably angry...

Just to say to you that advice comes from being a bit older, and having lived this drama once or twice be fore and learning from it.


Also not everything is a mental illness, sometimes people are just a**holes. (I have studied psychology so I'm certainly not ignorant.) No one can be helped if they don't want it, and it can be very draining to be friends with someone with a mental illness if they do nothing about it, esp if they are as manipulative as this man sounds. Mental illness isn't an obligation to keep contact.

Sardonicat

OP, I know you are feeling frustrated with your friend "S", but remember he was going out with her and she with him for a reason. There will always be someone with a bleeding heart who will feel sorry for him, wonder what undiagnosed mental disorder or childhood trauma made him behave like this and try and fix him. For now "S" is that person. People like this liar survive on people like "S". She will need to learn this herself. And when she does he will quickly find another "S" to fill her shoes.

Note how the man you thought was just a harmless exagerator has revealed himself as a manipulating, lying bully. Remember how worried you were for his safety? He has gone from implying he will harm himself to implying he will harm you! You could be describing my relative apart from the age. It is all so horribly familiar I could have written how this would pan out for you like a script

You've had a hard lesson, OP. Try not to let it make you cynical. Be grateful he is not related to you and you don't have to live your life looking over your shoulder waiting for his latest mess to come knocking at your door.

In future you will know to give a very wide berth to grown ups with a tendency to "exagerate". As I said early on in the thread, it is invariably a sign of trouble.

LegacyUser

Well done OP,
Just stick it out and stay away from the guy. I'd go as far to say as leave it at that txt you sent. As much as you might end up feeling like sending a message telling him how unhappy you are or telling him where to get off, its only playing into what he wants, attention and drama.
The absolute best way to get at him is to ignore him.

As far as your friend goes, its a shame but she is emotionally attatched and he's playing on it. It's awful to see. The only thing really is, the more you try to persuade her he's a bad guy, the more he will try to get sympathy and you'll look like the bad guy. As said, completely cut yourself out of any situations with him, he has nothing to play with and that'll get him the most.

Your friend will come round in time, even if it takes a while but unfortunately she needs to learn for herself that he's no good for her.

Its very hard to go through.

Thumbs up to someone a few posts back too who said that mental illness is not something that means we all ahve to be sympathetic to the guy. He clearly needs help but if he doesn't want it, nobody can make him. If someone is ill and is seeking help, I'm all for supporting them but if they are mean and manipulative and do not see it for themselves, its no excuse, cut them out.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

Just out of curiosity, I know he is 40, but how much younger are you and your circle of friends?

I wonder if at 40 he is more inclined to hang around younger people that he can manipulate easier. Most people - and certainly people of 40+ - would not tolerate his carry-on and would readily see through his BS.

This is exactly it. Its something I've thought for a while tbh and I can see it now clear as day. Hes 45, his gf (ex?) is 20 years younger and I'm older than her. I'm actually the oldest in the group, except for him of course.

I told my S that I felt like I was being made into a scapegoat and that by re-adding him on facebook she was basically validating his behaviour. I told her that I personally don't want anything to do with him, that I'm not going to fall out with anyone over him but that I won't be in his company again. If she wants to go for pints with him thats totally cool. I don't want to comment because I don't want her to think that I'm trying to sway her in any particular direction on this because she's an adult and she can make her own decisions. I'd hate to see her get hurt again but I'm not putting myself in a position where I become the bad guy. She's been fairly off with me since that message but I don't know what else I can do.

On Saturday night at 1:30am he started sending me abusive messages. It started off with "You pathetic c*nt." I told him to delete my number and that I wouldn't be engaging with him. He continued on and on, called me a bully, said I fall out with everyone who tries to stand up to me (I no longer speak to two people I was friends with in college - one of whom was unbelievably nasty when drunk and who verbally abused on far too many occasions, and the other who falsely accused a mutual friend of rape!). He sent me lots of messages, called me a c*nt a few times, said he was keeping my message as proof of my spreading lies about him, said I should ask S for the truth, said I was the one losing friendship. I told him if he continued to text me I would report him for harrassment. He continued so I turned off my phone. I woke up to another abusive message but haven't heard anything since. The following day I asked S if she had been with him when they were sent and she said no. She said that she had met him earlier for a drink and that they parted on very bad terms. He obviously stayed in the pub on his own and decided that this was all my fault. I asked her if there was a problem between me and her because she seemed very off with me. She said she wasn't but that she didnt want to talk to me baout him as I had made it clear that I didn't want to know. I tried to explain that I'm happy to listen if she needs to talk but that I won't be commenting, purely because I don't want her thinking I'm trying to push her into doing what I think she should do.

So I don't know what the craic is now. I don't know how much our mutual friends know, I don't know what he's been saying to them and I'm worried that S is still pissed off with me.

I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. Thanks again for all the input folks. I really appreciate it.