Donating Eggs

LegacyUser

Im pregnant on my 4th child and am than finished having children.
My dear friend is nearly 42 and is trying so hard to have kids, but it seems there are ovualtion problems.Im thinking of donating my eggs to her, Im wondering if this is possible as I hope to have my tubes tied when baby no 4 comesout.Has anyone any experiance with this.Thanks.I havent said anything to her yet as I must be sure its right for me first.I think it is, its only an egg to me.I never have any problems getting pregnant.
I love her and really want to be able to do this for her.

Morag

You both need to to talk to your drs about this.

tinkerbell

I don't think it's as straightforward as it might initially seem to be. What about your emotional and biological attachment to the child? Will you be upset when the child comes along, you know it's from your egg, yet it's not your child? What about if you don't agree with your friend's parenting methods, will you be inclined to butt in since it's your biological child? Etc etc.

I just think you should think of all these things first. What you are doing would be a very nice thing to do but you need to think of all possibilities here. Good luck.

tinkerbell

Have you checked into the procedure too for donating eggs? Will you be able to cope with that? It's not as simple as it is for a man donating sperm.

ziltwo

Also her Child will be your Children's half brother or Sister....
it is a lovely kind thing for you to do; but there is a lot to think about as well

zil

LegacyUser

I wouldnt see it as being any relation to me at all to be honest.It would just be an egg, I have a load of them .It would be her baby not mine.I dont think I would have any attathement to it at all, but of course I would need psy assisstance or something , just to make sure.How she rares it , is up to her and her partner.
Do I sound cold, I just think being detatched is better.Do any of you have experiance first hand with this?Thanks,

Doogieboogie

I'm not sure if I'm correct, but AFAIK, if you donate eggs, you cannot donate to a person known to you - you donate eggs to a clinic, and then they provide different eggs to your friend. Again, I could be wrong, but I'm sure I heard something like this.

Two things - first off, be very careful of approaching your friend with this offer. It could backfire badly - it could come off as flippant or patronising, or it could make her feel inadequate that you can afford to be giving away eggs when she can't produce any. It could also be that she's already looked into egg donation, and either decided it's not for her/her partner, or it isn't something that would help their particular fertility issue. My own husband outright refused to even discuss the possibility of sperm donation, and I had to respect that and not insist he did. If you are going to talk to her about it, be tactful, considerate and listen to her. If she refuses, don't push it, but tell her the offer stands if she wants it. Secondly, be aware that you will have to undergo pretty intense treatment yourself - basically the same as IVF without the last bit. You will have to take drugs to supress and then supercharge your egg production, and then will have to have them extracted under sedation. The side effects from the many drugs you have to take are very unpleasant, and you run the risk of ovarian hyper stimulation, which can be dangerous.

Another thing to consider is the psychological aspect, and don't think that it doesn't count - it does. If you go ahead, and if she gets pregnant, the resulting child will look like you and your children, and will be your children's biological half-sibling. You need to think long and hard about the consequences of this, and other issues. I would strongly suggest that you and your friend, as well as both your partners go to a counsellor/psychologist who specialises in such matters - fertility clinics would sometimes have a psychologist attached to the clinic who may be able to help.


The first port of call after talking to your friend would be a fertility clinic - I attended one in Dundrum for IVF, they were excellent - do a google search and you'll find them, IIRC they had egg donation services. They'll point you in the right direction.

Edited to add... you may not be able to get your tubes tied if you are thinking of donating eggs, find out BEFORE you get them tied!!

http://www.sims.ie/Donor_Programmes/Egg_Donor_Information.683.html
http://www.sims.ie/Donor_Programmes/Egg_Recipient_Information.691.html#link3

tenchi-fan

Unless your friend actually brought up the topic of donor eggs there is no way you should suggest it, least of bringing up the topic with the intent of offering your own.

I am a friend

I agree with the above, dont bring up the subject with your friend, especially to offer your own eggs (which is not legal here as pointed out above). Surely if she is considering all options to have a kid, she would have considered this one before....

Its a nice thought but a total minefield....

Kalimah

Doogieboogie that is definitely the way it is done re egg donation. I agree completely with everthing you've said.

liquoriceall

From what I know of this known donor is a very real option, very often when a donor is the option the fertility clinic suggests to the couple to look at family members who may be willing to consider.
The only thing I would think may be against you is age, if you have 4 childen a 42 year old friend what age are you? Early 30s is usually the cut off point
I disagree with the others about offering to your friend, it may be too painful for her to ask you but I would first bring up the subject of donor with her and see what her opinion is
Also you need to discuss this with your husband as hes entitled to a say as well
Good luck to your friend and hopefully she wont need anyones eggs!

Elle Collins

It's only an egg to you now OP but would it still be only an egg when you see a child growing up who's got 50% your DNA? No way I'd do it I can tell you.

LegacyUser

It is possible to donate eggs to someone you know, through a clinic. It is a pretty complex procedure though and as well as the medical side, both parties usually get some counselling. Both partners need to be involved also.

I wouldn't quite agree about not mentioning it first as your friend might never have the courage to initiate that conversation - it's a big ask. It is very serious though, so possibly introduce the concept subtly into conversation and see how it goes.

Anyway, my main point is it is possible (and I am certain of that).

Neyite

Its a nice idea in theory, but unless you know that her infertility problems would be solved specifically and soley by egg donation - I wouldnt offer.

Speaking as someone who has unexplained infertility issues, there is nothing worse than someone who can get knocked up at the drop of a hat telling you what you should be doing. I have been told to 'relax, it'll happen', 'to go on a cruise' and of course the old chestnut 'when you stop thinking about it, it will happen' :rolleyes: by women who have never set foot inside a doctors office to concieve. Its like getting plumbing advice from someone who like baths. We rant about it from time to time on the TTC forum.

a lot of ovulation problems can be resolved through medication, such as Clomid, Pregnyl, or injectible Gonatrophin and other oral and injectible medication. Clomid is an oral medication which is kind of hailed as 'the miracle drug', as it can help women who dont always ovulate, but sometimes do, women who do not ovulate at all but have the potential to, and to strengthen ovulation and improve the quality of the egg. It's less invasive than IVF etc and therefore easier on both the body and the wallet.

Donor Eggs are used in the event of advanced maternal age, or after several failed IVF. If your friend has some egg potential then doctors will use IVF or ISCI attempts before suggesting donor eggs, as the cost involved also goes up due to the amount of medical procedures involved. IVF mixes sperm and the egg in a petri dish and then when fertilised, embryo is inserted back into the woman. With ISCI, a single sperm is injected into the single egg and implanted. This is more common where the sperm is poor quality.

With egg donation the following would be pretty standard procedure:

The donor is asked to complete a detailed questionnaire about her
personal, medical, obstetrical, surgical and genetic history.
The donor is also required to have a thorough physical examination, psychological evaluation and counseling, genetic blood tests such as cystic fibrosis and infectious disease screening.
The donor is given daily hormone injections to stimulate the ovaries to produce multiple eggs.
The donor is carefully monitored with ultrasounds and blood tests until her eggs are ready for ovulation.
The donor is given HCG injection to trigger ovulation and her eggs will be retrieved about 35 hours later.
During egg retrieval, multiple eggs (oocytes) are removed from the donor’s ovaries and taken to the embryo laboratory.

The surgery required to retrieve the eggs suggests 24 hours bed rest, plus the injectibles that are given to you daily are no picnic. You would also have to have several scans during the cycle,(these are usually transvaginal scans) and you possibly would have to avoid intercourse for lots of the cycle. Your friend would also have her own monthly cocktail of drugs and scans to prepare her as a recipient.

For obvious reasons, bringing your baby/toddler with you to the clinic may not be advised. In fact, in my clinic there is a notice up that basically discourages people from bringing their children due to the possible sensitivity of others. I was surprised, as I dont get upset personally when I see babies, but I guess some do.

So, there is a lot to consider, in an area of a very sensitive nature. I would suggest that the best approach to be a brilliant friend is to listen but not advise (her doctors will do that) be supportive (if she needs any practical/ emotional help) be encouraging and optimistic when she is having a down day. When she gets her period, let her vent/cry/ and have the wine and your ears at the ready.

I hope the info here helps you, and if your friend wants to connect with other women facing the same, there is a trying to concieve forum here on boards. I started posting a year ago there and have made great friends, and got amazing support.

Taltos

I think this is a wonderful idea.
However - before going this route - are you 100% sure that you would not feel any connection with a baby should one arise from this?
I don't mean to throw a spanner here - but if you have any doubt about this then suggesting it to your friend may not in fact be the best thing - it could in fact destroy your friendship.

Has your friend considered adoption as an alternative?

LegacyUser

Speaking as a woman going through a few rounds of ivf this year... though a good bit younger than 42...

First of all, I believe the cut off age for donating ivf is 35, but generally they prefer younger eggs.

Now regarding the emotional minefield... ultimately I can only speak for myself of course... for me, having my baby with my genetics is my goal, not someone else's. I know that many women ultimately choose the donor route, but personally I dread the day the doctor suggests donor eggs. I've even thought of slipping a note in my file saying 'I know about donor eggs but not I'm there emotionally, may never be, so don't bring it up'!

I've also had moments when my I've feared that my very fertile (and lovely and supportive) best friend has been on the verge of offering some eggs... now call me sensitive but thank god she hasn't!!! I even changed the conversation once IN HORROR cause she had a look about her like she was going to bring it up!!!
It's not like someone donating a kidney.
If I ever do decide on donor eggs then I would choose the eggs of a stranger - maybe one who has the same colouring or build as me, but I wouldn't choose my friend's eggs. Sadly - and please excuse me if I'm generalising - learning to live graciously with the jealousy I often feel towards my fertile friends has been one of the big infertility challenges, and I feel proud of myself when I overcome it, time and time again. It's been a lesson in living with grace. But, for me, having my baby that is genetically my friend's would be a step too far - it might feel like inviting that awful jealousy into my life - I would be afraid that I would have to distance myself from my friend, at the very least. Maybe that's just me.... your friend may be completely different.

The other very relevant point is that while there is a long waiting list for donor eggs in Ireland, many Irish ladies hop over to a clinic called reprofit in czech or a clinic in barcelona and pick up their eggs there much cheaper than irish ivf, there aren't even any waiting lists as far as I know, so really there is no need whatsoever for her to use yours, unless it was her preference.
Also, you can use donor eggs at any age. She may need time to see that as a viable alternative - if she ever will - and unlike with natural fertility there is no rush at all.

BTW to poster above, as far as I know, 40 is the cut off age for adoption and you have to have stopped trying to get pregnant yourself - a tall order.

OP, your thought is lovely, but wait until your friend discusses donor eggs before you say anything, and even then, thread very, very carefully - nothing is as deeply personal as the desire to have your own child.