Unrealistic standards = loneliness

LegacyUser

I've made a distressing realisation about myself. I realised my standards are my enemy. I know this will make me come across as shallow. I'm really not. However, I appear to have been wishing my life away waiting to find the love of the perfect beautiful women. I have virtually no interest in women that are less than average. I'm not so shallow that looks are all that matters. I just seem to be looking for a perfect beautiful, tender, wonderful woman.

I'm in my mid twenties and I've never had a GF. I've had virtually no opportunites to meet girls/ women in my life so far. My work and personal circumstances have seen to that. I feel that high 'standards' are all find and well but I rarely get a chance to meet women, good, bad or indifferent. I'm definitely no oil painting myself and I'm not just being modest. I'm abnormally perceptive, IMO and trust me, the ladies just don't see me as partner material for many reasons. I'm definitely not cut out for ONSs. I've watched year after lonely year pass and I'm kind of resigned to the fact that my life has always been and looks like it always will be a lonely one. I know that sounds whingey.

What do I do? I never meet women. I'd like to meet women but I know I couldn't settle (for want of a less horrible/ judgmental word) for a plain or less than plain girl that doesn't fit into my fantasy. It has occured to me that it may be some kind of defeatist, self destructive thing. Like 'you can't get that fabulous girl and therefore you're a loser' type thing. I don't know. All I know is that I have this ever-present sense of loneliness that I can't ever see myself shaking due to my high 'standards'.

Thanks for reading. I hope I don't come across as some shallow jerk.

qwerty13

I don't think you come across as a shallow jerk; I do think you sound very young and immature though.

I guess it all comes down to what you want from life: do you want the trophy GF/wife ... or do you want someone that you can happily life and laugh with? Not that the two are mutually exclusive, but you seem to be prioritising the former so much that there is nothing left for the latter.

I absolutely agree that there must be an attraction there, but looks fade, and there is a whole lot more to a lasting relationship than you seem to have thought about.

A Plague On Both Your Houses

Two words: Online Dating.

beks101

ygvygv wrote: »

I never meet women.

Therein lies your problem. It sounds to me like you view women as a different species or something, and if you're not meeting women then maybe your view of us is influenced by what you see on TV, what you see in magazines, the stereotypically hot women who are valued as prizes or a measure of self-worth to men in a sort of pervasive sense in all types of media.

Do you have any female friends? Any women who you don't measure in terms of their romantic/sexual appeal to you and who you treasure as friends/people with personalities and thoughts and insights and intelligence etc etc?

I think you need to learn how to be comfortable in female company, or at least used to female company, and stop putting pressure on yourself to find a girlfriend. I'll be frank, we can smell that a mile away.

Another point is that you're attracted to what you're attracted to. And there are many factors that influence attraction - physical appearance being just one of them. Personally if I had to describe my taste in men, I wouldn't say I'm attracted to 'less than average guys' either, but a man that another woman doesn't find appealing can become absolutely magnetic to me if there's chemistry, a spark, a great connection. Somebody else's average can become my hot-as-hell if the chemistry's there. You're never going to experience that if you're just sitting back and waiting for Angelina Jolie to walk through the door. Who's to say you'd be compatible with any of these hot women anyway?

So yeah, maybe it is a self-destructive thing. Or a self-protective thing. Maybe it's easier to mentally dismiss the 'average' women than to actually make an effort and to put yourself out there. It's easier to hold out for that perfect model than to force yourself out of your comfort zone and face the possibility of rejection. But as you've said, ultimately all it amounts to is loneliness.

username123

beks101 wrote: »

....a self-protective thing. Maybe it's easier to mentally dismiss the 'average' women than to actually make an effort and to put yourself out there. It's easier to hold out for that perfect model than to force yourself out of your comfort zone and face the possibility of rejection. But as you've said, ultimately all it amounts to is loneliness.

+1!!

By having these impossible to attain standards you ensure that you never fail in your pursuit of a woman - its always that they dont meet your standards.

I agree with the poster who suggested online dating - also, the old cliche but it works, join clubs, get involved in activities where you will meet women. I had a lonely friend who joined a salsa class, he was the only male in the class, the women used to scramble madly to be his dancing partner - he said he was never so popular with the ladies!

LegacyUser

OP, you don't sound shallow, you just sound a little inexperienced with meeting people. When you meet someone and really like them, you'll find that attraction develops.

I've fancied some not at all conventionally attractive people because when I've got to know them, I've found them compelling and interesting.

The first step is to meet more people - including more women obviously! I think that will help you a lot. Maybe take up a hobby or check out meetup.com or go to events happening locally and be open to talking to people.

Hope things look up for you!

lace

Hi OP! If you've had no experience meeting and getting to know women then it follows that you probably haven't experienced the effect personality and chemistry can have on attraction. I know you think you're not attracted to anything less than the standard of beauty you've set in your head but if you've never tried getting to know "plain" girls then you haven't had a chance to realize that sometimes people just click and looks aren't as big an issue as you initially thought. I know it feels like a massive issue to you but physical attraction is just one factor in a long list of things that influence how attracted we are to another person. All you really need is a chance to meet and get to know women (beautiful or otherwise).

Are there any clubs/groups/projects in your locale which would give you a chance to meet and work with people? This could be a good idea if you've never really dated before as it would give you a chance to get to know women in a non-dating situation and see if you're attracted to them. You'd have a chance to make contacts and get to know a variety of different people and you might hit it off with a lady. Even if you don't find a girlfriend within the group, it would still allow you to make friends and socializing with them could lead to meeting ladies. It's all about putting yourself out there and meeting people.

Alternatively (as other posters have mentioned) you could try online dating. I know it can seem a little strange or daunting but you'll find there's plenty of people out there - normal people who just have problems meeting other people - who feel the same way you do and are looking for love. I know lots of these sites come with pictures and/or video, but I urge to look past that and (also) consider women who might not necessarily look like your ideal partner but instead sound like someone you'd get along with - women who have similar interests/goals/ideals etc. Get chatting to lots of women and you'll eventually find one provided you give yourself a chance to look past physical appearance a little.

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

Thank to everyone who replied. There's a lot for me to think about there. I've been mulling over my latest revelation and think I might have been a little off the mark. I've been in that situation where that plain girl has rocked my world, unfortunately, she's seeing someone/ she's moving away/ the feeling isn't mutual/ whatever. There's always something in the way for me.

I do have close female friends. I have a great rapport with the ladies in my life. They all say it's weird that someone hasn't snapped me up.... but they're all spoken for, of course. My male friends think I choose to be alone or I'm living some secret life. The last girl who had eyes for me was a friend's cousin. I knew it straight away. I don't have a thing for skinny women and she is great fun but she's quite overweight by most people's definition. Enough to put me off, if I'm being honest.

Aside from her, I've enountered just one other nice available girl and she was a sweetheart. Unfortunately, she turned me down when I asked her out. I do put myself across quite well when it comes to women. I have learned to hide my loneliness and desperation to perfection. I think I'm not your typical Irish bloke. I'm a talker- just look at this particular ramble! I usually have more in common with non-Irish women or older women. In other words, other talkers!

I wish I could say that I hadn't tried all of the suggestions above. I think I can give myself credit for kicking the crap out of my comfort zone but alas, nothing worked. Least of all was two separate jumping-in-with-both-feet attempts at online dating. I just think that I haven't had bad luck with women per se, it's more that I've had desperately bad luck coming into contact with women.

I think some of my feelings do stem from my own body issues. I think I like to blame my lack of female companionship on my own lengthy list of imperfections. Maybe I have some deep seated wish to improve the family's gene pool!?


Maybe what I've realised is that I'm just so used to being the one who must be alone, I'm free to fantasise about those perfect 10s in the ads, mags, tv etc. /because I have as much chance of meeting them as someone 'normal'/. All I know is that I never feel so alone as when some beautiful girl sweeps past me in the street in the arms of a better man than I.

dienbienphu

op i know exactly how u feel. i would put it down to living in ireland. i think goodlooking women are rare in ireland and the ones who are goodlooking have abnormally high opinions of themselves and massive expectations. ive often wondered why i could never relate to good looking women in this country and ive put it down to them being extremely shallow. one place where ive discovered where you can find good looking women, with personality who actually have an interest in you is south amerca or the usa. smoking hot girls with grate personities are easy to come by in these countries as their value systems are quite different to ours. its only natural for a man to want a goodlooking girlfriend and if you are to find her, i think you should seriously consider relocating from this sh.ithole.

I am a friend

dienbienphu wrote: »

op i know exactly how u feel. i would put it down to living in ireland. i think goodlooking women are rare in ireland and the ones who are goodlooking have abnormally high opinions of themselves and massive expectations. ive often wondered why i could never relate to good looking women in this country and ive put it down to them being extremely shallow. one place where ive discovered where you can find good looking women, with personality who actually have an interest in you is south amerca or the usa. smoking hot girls with grate personities are easy to come by in these countries as their value systems are quite different to ours. its only natural for a man to want a goodlooking girlfriend and if you are to find her, i think you should seriously consider relocating from this sh.ithole.

A very crass generalisation and its no wonder, with that attitude that are finding it difficult to meet people. I have great friends who are good-looking, interesting and also modest... Maybe you are attracting people with attitudes because you exude an arrogant attitude yourself....

OP, you seem to be on the right track.. Personality is very attractive to women as you know and its just a matter of time and to be honest dating is a numbers game. It will happen....

dienbienphu

I am a friend wrote: »

A very crass generalisation and its no wonder, with that attitude that are finding it difficult to meet people. I have great friends who are good-looking, interesting and also modest... Maybe you are attracting people with attitudes because you exude an arrogant attitude yourself....

OP, you seem to be on the right track.. Personality is very attractive to women as you know and its just a matter of time and to be honest dating is a numbers game. It will happen....

i find that hilarious. i'd love to know how women would define 'personality' and i bet the first word to come to mind would be confidence.

the cold harsh reality to finding a parner is this. 'if you dont have the money you cant have the honey' simple as. ive had my fair share of successes and my fair share of failures in life but one thing that comes hand and hand in life is success and women. subconciously most women arent aware of this but they are predispositioned to be attracted to successful men, not necessarily rich but successful. now because of this, the last thing that should concern you is trying to find a goodlucking partner. focus more on improving your life, your future, your dreams and once success comes knocking on your door, there will be women on you like flies on doo doo

dienbienphu

I am a friend wrote: »

Personality is very attractive to women as you know and its just a matter of time and to be honest dating is a numbers game. It will happen....

obviously thats not the case since he is posting here. :rolleyes:

I am a friend

dienbienphu wrote: »

obviously thats not the case since he is posting here. :rolleyes:

ygvygv wrote: »

I just think that I haven't had bad luck with women per se, it's more that I've had desperately bad luck coming into contact with women.

Really?

OP, thats not great advice when it comes down to women.... Not all need money to compensate for a guys lack of personality. You sound like you can interact well with women and thats a greta plus... After that it is just a numbers game and perseverence....

paky

op you must remember that you should never take dating advice from a woman...unless you are woman...of course

Mighty_Mouse

You view a hot gf as a object aquired to increase your status.
ie. like a ferrari

You need to think about people not objects.
This doesn't mean you will fancy the fat chick for the person inside.
It means the starting point is a broader definition of what attracts you to a person