Can I trust him?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, just looking for a bit of advice, I’m extremely confused and paranoid at the moment and it’s pissing me off. Basically, my “boyfriend” or whatever he is called (I don’t even know at this point because of all the lies he has told) is overseas and I’m afraid that he will cheat.

Background: We were consistently fighting over the past 6 months (mainly because he was away, and I felt like he wasn’t paying me any attention) but we would always make up. That’s kind of our thing, we yell and scream at each other but always end up back together within a day or two. We had agreed that we would stay together over the 6 months that he would be away. The fighting got increasingly worse, particularly in mid May and I eventually broke up with him the last week of May, as I couldn’t stand the abuse anymore and told him to never contact me again. Lo and behold he returns in June and acts as if nothing has happened, I tell him to stop it and he gives out to me for being “silly” and tells me he loves me still. He leaves and I find his facebook open (now I know I shouldn’t have read it, but he had blocked me for 3 months and refused to be friends with me for some strange reason so I was very curious). The fact that he accused me of “fixing the computer"so I couldn’t get “access to his account” only fuelled the curiosity. He then changed his password just to make sure! Now this lad was regularly breaking into my facebook account for a few weeks until I eventually found out he was doing it when he accused me of cheating, (I had said that I thought one of the lads in my course was good looking) so I thought, f**k him, why not? Found out that he had messaged his housemate basically saying that he wanted to sleep with her, saying all these cringey things about her being the “sexiest thing” he’s ever seen and that she’s a “kinky fox”. It was actually so disgusting, I cried for a good week after I found it and I still cry when I think of it. What made it worse is that he was using words and names that he usually said to me. Of course I was devastated and livid, he had just come down to me and I had felt that he had taken advantage of me when I was lonely and vulnerable (after the break up the week before). It transpired that his housemate had come into his room on the morning of his birthday (in a bra and shorts) and said “this is your birthday present”. He said that he bottled it and said no. After being chastised by his friends he sent her that message in the hope that she would come back, but apparently, she never did. His birthday was at the beginning of May, so we were together then. I find it very hard to believe that nothing happened. I find it very strange aswell that a girl, who he claimed, would “run out of the room” when anyone spoke to her would do that, this girl (I know for definite) was extremelt shy and quiet. I later fraped him (because I was so annoyed at being played) and this girl’s friend wrote back saying that her friend “wasn’t the only one” and that he had been telling everyone that we had broken up in January. In March, he also told me that he had gone to an STD clinic, because he was at the doctor’s at the time and it was “convenient” and “free” (do they not do free checks in Ireland?). I have to tell you that I was a virgin when I met him, so I didn’t understand why he felt the need to go to an STD clinic. He told me all this crap about “making sure”, why the hell did he need to make sure if he had been with me for nearly 16 months?! He has done so many other things, but I can’t go into detail here because it would be too long .

He has suddenly turned into a compulsive liar, before I found out that he had sent that message I had asked him if he had cheated or done anything that would be considered cheating, he PROMISED me that he did not. Alarm bells have been ringing because when I first started going out with him, he was in regular contact with his ex (this went on for about 5 months until I found out when she left him a message on his facebook). He actually went with her and her parents to a concert on my BIRTHDAY and lied to me about it, telling me that he was with “friends”. I was extremely pissed off over this as I was bogged down with coursework at the time and I literally had no life for 3 weeks. I forgave him when he promised to never contact her again. I just found out that he is back in contact with her again, and when I confronted him, he lied to my face and said that it was her who had contacted him (it wasn’t).

So now he’s gone off to America for a few weeks and I’m starting to get messed up here in regards to what he’s doing, or should I say who he’s doing. We are back together by the way. He promised me he won’t go off with anyone but I just don’t know. He has lied to me too much, LIED TO MY FACE, when I knew the damn answer! Am I being stupid to trust him? Should I just break up with him and try and get over him?

Peanut2011

My god OP, that was very difficult to read trough but I managed it. All I can tell you is that if you have any doubts about him your relationship will not work.

The only way for relationship to work is to fully trust one another. From what you are saying you have reasons not to trust him as a result no matter what, unfortunately, this relationship is doomed to fail.

I would say you start looking after yourself and try to move on.

Why on earth are you even with him?
I mean constant drama, accusing you of cheating, fighting, lying, him actually cheating, no trust, disrespect... seriously?
This is not a relationship - please just leave.

Wurly

Sorry but WHY are you even entertaining this bullsh*t? It's nonsensical in the extreme!

Miss Fluff

I found reading that to be a total headwreck so I can't imagine having to put up with that in realtime. :eek: You're relationship is toxic and unhealthy in the extreme, it's clearly based on mutual suspicion, dishonesty and mistrust so I'd call it quits if I were in your shoes.

squonk

I agree with Miss Fluff etc. Just get out. I found the whole thing headwreckign to read and at the very least, the fact that you say early on that you fight all the time and 'its your thing' is just nuts. That's not a relationship to begin with. Throw in the other stuff and, sorry, but you should just move right on. No point in hanging out with this dick. There are way better guys out there.

btw... showing my age here but what is 'fraped'?

car.kar

I'm sorry OP, I know you're probably hoping someone can come up with some sort of way to fix everything, but this is an unhealthy and destructive relationship. You don't trust him - and why on earth would you after all that?? And he clearly doesn't respect you. I would cut your losses and move on.

Pandora2

squonk wrote: »

btw... showing my age here but what is 'fraped'?

It is when someone gains access to your Facebook Account and posts something outrageous in your name!! Nice Huh

greengiant09

soconfusedandscared wrote: »

Am I being stupid to trust him?

i wasn't going to even dignify your question with a response but i will......you're not being stupid.....you're being completely ret*arded. how on earth can you not see the truth is quite frankly absurd. it couldn't be more obvious!

i wonder if he even had sex with another girl right in front of you, and then denied it, would you think he was right and that it was all in your imagination!

sorry to be blunt but come on.....you're better than that.

Distorted

I would just avoid him in future, OP.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here! Thanks everyone for your replies. I know where you're all coming from, I've tried so hard to dissect the issue properly but I always end up going back to him. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being paranoid (ye man always blames me for everything and tells me that I'm overreacting). When I found out what he did on erasmus he blamed me, and told me that it should be me who should be trying to make it up to him instead of him making it up to me :O

I'm hoping to show him this, in the hope that he will realise that this kind of behaviour isn't normal, alas, even then I am afraid that he will still be of the same opinion

I apologise for the messy composition of my message by the way!

booboo88

soconfusedandscared wrote: »

Hey OP here! Thanks everyone for your replies. I know where you're all coming from, I've tried so hard to dissect the issue properly but I always end up going back to him. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being paranoid (ye man always blames me for everything and tells me that I'm overreacting). When I found out what he did on erasmus he blamed me, and told me that it should be me who should be trying to make it up to him instead of him making it up to me :O

I'm hoping to show him this, in the hope that he will realise that this kind of behaviour isn't normal, alas, even then I am afraid that he will still be of the same opinion

I apologise for the messy composition of my message by the way!

sorry op, that part made me laugh, Is he mentally unbalanced by any chance?

seriously GET OUT while you still have your dignity

squonk

Show him nothing OP! Have nothing further to do with him. Avoid him like the plague. See if your mobile company can block his number from your phone. don't waste time on this prick!

greengiant09

soconfusedandscared wrote: »

I'm hoping to show him this, in the hope that he will realise that this kind of behaviour isn't normal, alas, even then I am afraid that he will still be of the same opinion

eh.....i don't think you're really getting the point at all!!!

you're going to show him this to show him that his behaviour isn't normal???....and then what??....he's going to magically change and you'll both live happy ever after....

get a grip, this guy is a chancer, he'll keep on using you so long as YOU let him......

is life really that bad that you feel the need to hang on to a loser?? that you don't have enuff respect for yourself that you're willing to put up with his behaviour?.....i mean come on! most people would have dumped him focking ages ago.....and they wouldn't have needed to ask anyones advice on the issue because it was so bloody obvious on what they should do.

LegacyUser

Hey thanks everyone, just a bit of an update!

I've decided that I'm going to break up with him, he still doesn't realise the severity of what he has done and still won't admit that he is wrong. He keeps telling me to "stop living in the past" and to "get over it", I feel like he is living in the 60's when women were subordinate and subservient to men! He is supposed to be an intelligent lad, then why is he so deluded? I sort of blame myself, I worshipped him and let him walk all over me. I accepted his verbal abuse and all those horrible names he called me, I never asked for an apology, I just skipped over it in order to stop fighting.

I realise now that I should have broken up with him when I found out about him and the ex last year, I was so stupid to think that he wouldn't hurt me like he did then, he promised me he wouldn't but he lied, just like he has been lying to me for the past 6 months. I feel worthless and insecure (my insecurities have now deepened and increased because of this), he will never know the damage that he has done to me, because he is too blind and too full of self importance. I feel sorry for the next girl he picks up, that charm of his won't last and his real, vile personality will emerge eventually, I hope that girl isn't as foolish and as weak as me.

I had told him that I would go on the pill for him, which he says will "solve all our problems" but it only just makes me feel disgusting and objectified. A relationship cannot last on sex alone, in his world it can, which just shows you how f**ked up his mind is and how little he knows about women. This whole episode has ruined my outlook on men, I don't think I can enter into another relationship for a while, I cannot and refuse to be, hurt like this again. I have sacrificed so much for this boy, I've been mocked and excluded because of my friends' opinion of him, yet he blames ME, it is always MY fault. I am SICK TO DEATH of him belittling and berating me for things that are not my fault. HE cheated not me, therefore it is HIS fault and not mine. He doesn't know that I know he cheated on me with other girls, information can never be hidden, it can always be unearthed somehow and boy how that information is damning.

Girls, take it from me, NO guy is ever worth everything and NO guy should ever make you feel worthless and unlovable. I am going to try and learn from all this and become a stronger person and I'm NEVER taking sh!t like that from anyone ever again.

Sorry for the rant and thanks again!

I am a friend

soconfusedandscared wrote: »

I've decided that I'm going to break up with him

Amen!!! He is a total A-hole.. Move on. You deserve more...