Boards.... Help.. I'm devastated..

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster on boards but today I need help.

I'm a guy aged 30 and my girlfriend of 8+ years has just broke up with me. To say I'm heart broken is a complete understatement. I'm sat in tears as I write this. We have a house together and she's moved back in with her Mum.

I don't even know why I'm writing this but I'm just hoping it might make me feel better. I absolutely love this girl and the thoughts of being with anyone else but her kills me.

I don't even know what else to say. Just off the phone and shocked at how cruel she's being about it as I've always giving her my all and she's said a thanked me a thousand times for being there for her in rough situations in the passed.

I'm in tears the last hour and I've never felt as low in my life..

Reesy

Sorry to hear that, OP. Would you like to tell us what happened?

LegacyUser

I don't even know to be honest. We haven't been getting on but only due to the fact she's been acting horrible, short, grumpy on the phone, mean, I know I should grow a pair but and I'm actually not normally like this at all. I'm just devastated at how cold she is being about it. "I'll call you in a few weeks to see how you are" eeeehhhhh What???

Like who says that **** to someone they have been with for over 8 years? Just so cold about it, I was in tears and she was getting all pissed off at me, It's only the second time she's ever heard me cry.

I think I'm really just hoping there were other people in my situation that might share a story or something I dunno.

I'm not the type to talk to friends about any of this stuff, not ever. So I came here as I'm a regular enough poster.

Thanks for the reply

Kidchameleon

OP is there any reason you can think of that would make her do this? Was she looking to get married? Have you not been giving the attention? If we get some more details we may be able to help... There is nothing we can say at the moment to make things better, this is gonna hurt unfortunately.

Eve_Dublin

Hey OP :-(

Listen, I felt compelled to write to you before I head to bed. I don't know what to say with regards to your relationship and the break up as I don't know the full story and it looks like you don't either but can I ask you to speak to a friend or someone you trust, even if you normally don't and of course continue to post up here?? Is there anyone at all you can talk to? I know guys can be terrible about speaking about their feelings but in this kind of situation, you have to let the guard down and speak to someone, anyone.

I haven't been in a relationship as long as you...longest one I've been in was 2 and a half years but I've felt the pain of a broken heart that was so bad I fainted in public and lost about a stone in one month....but I'm here to tell the tale. All I can PROMISE you is that any pain you feel right now WILL get better. That's a promise and I know my fellow boardsies who'll post up here will agree. It's a fact of life: broken hearts heal eventually.

Because I don't know what happened, I can't advice you to do anything except look after yourself, keep eating and SPEAK TO SOMEONE. It's great you posted up here but you need to get this out face-to-face with someone. I have no idea why your ex is being so cold...can you honestly not think of anything that got you to this point?? Anything at all? Listen, I probably didn't feel the kind of pain you're feeling right now but I've had a fair few serious ups and downs in my life and the one thing I've learned from them all is that it gets better.

I do think your ex (sorry to keep calling her that) needs to explain herself. I think you deserve an explanation at the very least to gain closure. Can you contact her by email? Maybe she feels better communicating this way?

Okay, listen, keep posting up here and keep staying in touch and I'll keep an eye out for you but please, talk to someone and keep eating. Look after yourself...it hurts like absolute hell and you think there's no end to it but believe me when I say there is. (((((Big hug)))) (Speak to someone please!).

I'll check in tomorrow.

Eve

LegacyUser

It sounds like shes being sensible rather than cold.

For whatever reason she's decided to end the relationship and wants to give herself and you a chance to get used to the idea for a few weeks. Shes obviously been thinking it over for the last while and thats why shes been grumpy and mean. It sounds like shes come to a definate decision and thats a tough blow for you but its not going to help either of you to move on if she was talking to you every day to see how you are getting on.

Novella

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. I can't really offer any advice 'cause I'm not exactly sure what has happened with regards the break up, but remember to take care of yourself. Don't isolate yourself. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I really hope you'll be okay.

LegacyUser

Thanks Eve I appreciate you taking the time to type that.

Absolutely nothing has happened, nothing, I keep asking why and saying nothings happened and she's saying I can;t help how I feel, I still love you but don't want us anymore. We hadn't been getting on the last month as she was just being really short and awkward and just different, she didn't wanna do anything as in, dinner out, club, pub anything and she often stays in her Mums which is fine, her mum lies on her own so i'd expected nothing less. When I was calling her she was being a complete and utter bitch, shouting at me which in turn would make me end up shouting back, just stupid arguing over nothing.

So it got pretty stupid and I said I'll give her a few days to get her head together and not call her, that was yesterday a week ago and she never text or rang or anything(longest we ever haven't spoke).

So I call her today and then she says she wants to break up. I'm like why the hell didn't you call me and say that then, and she's being a bitch about it. I can't say I didn't see it coming as I've been worried sick and I'm normally 11stone and now I'm 9.4stone and my parents and friends are like jesus your wasting away and they are constantly at me and at me which doesn't help ( i know they just care).

I'm at a loss as to what to do. She's my best friend and I don;t talk to anyone else about anything as I'm not really like that.


/Rant over (sorry)

Mc Kenzie

OP i know its a horrible feeling, but as other posters have said take care of yourself. try not to contact her, it will only upset you more and more than likely youll feel worse.

Everybody goes through things like this. Allow yourself to be upset for a while. I hope youll be ok.:)

WindSock

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's an awful thing to go through. Hopefully she will talk to you sooner and explain her side when she is ready. It is not fair I know to be treated like that, but you really need to not be alone for the next while, seek out your good mates company if you can, its tough now and it'll be tough for a while so having people you can talk with is important . Having too much time to think about everything on your own is not a great thing, so try to keep yourself busy too.

Eve_Dublin

Hi OP,

How are you feeling today? I was thinking, do you think that maybe she's being cruel like this so it'll be easier for you in the long term? Like pulling off a plaster quickly? I know when my ex broke up with me he was kind to me and promised we'd stay friends and even said we might get back together (well, when I asked him was there any hope he said he didn't know and he knew right well there was none), so I hung on to that hope for months and months and it was even worse. I coouldn't get over him because he still called, texted and emailed and was being so nice...essentially he was being selfish and not allowing me to move on. Perhaps this is what she thinks.

I know myself when I ended it with another ex, I was cranky with him for a few months (we lived together as well) just because I knew it was over but unlike her, I wanted to remain friends and even hang out sometimes....grand for me but a nightmare for him and like me in the situation I previously mentioned, was selfish of me.

Maybe she's being cruel to be kind? That's how I see it.

I know you say your not the kind of person to talk to somoene but in fairness, I don't know many lads in Ireland who are...can you not confide in anyone? As Windsock said, letting that stuff stew in your mind over and over will do you no good. You need to get it out. That's what family and friends are for.

Again, look after yourself, get out and try your best to keep busy and EAT even soup or something. You need to keep your energy up at this time. Keep posting up here if you hear anything. Its hard to advice you what to do but people can share their stories of heartache and tell you how they came out the other side. I know I wish I heard more of that at the time because I didn't feel like that was the case, I felt I was the exception...but I wasn't and either are you. You WILL be fine. I promise.

Eve

chloek

guest56789 wrote: »

I'm a regular poster on boards but today I need help.

I'm a guy aged 30 and my girlfriend of 8+ years has just broke up with me. To say I'm heart broken is a complete understatement. I'm sat in tears as I write this. We have a house together and she's moved back in with her Mum.

I don't even know why I'm writing this but I'm just hoping it might make me feel better. I absolutely love this girl and the thoughts of being with anyone else but her kills me.

I don't even know what else to say. Just off the phone and shocked at how cruel she's being about it as I've always giving her my all and she's said a thanked me a thousand times for being there for her in rough situations in the passed.

I'm in tears the last hour and I've never felt as low in my life..

I know you will probably not want to hear this but I think your girlfriend might have met someone else. Speaking from personal experience people are usually only like this when they are guilty. I apologise if I am wrong.

Her reluctance to talk and explain anything to you is pretty mean.
After eight years together you deserve a better explanation.

Beruthiel

guest56789 wrote: »

Absolutely nothing has happened, nothing, I keep asking why and saying nothings happened and she's saying I can;t help how I feel, I still love you but don't want us anymore. We hadn't been getting on the last month as she was just being really short and awkward and just different, she didn't wanna do anything as in, dinner out, club, pub anything

I would guess that she had been thinking about a way to break up with you for over a month then.
Nothing may have happened. It maybe nothing more than you both just growing apart.

The pain you are experiencing is a grief along the lines of a death. You are grieving for the lost relationship. I've been there. I also lost a lot of weight due to not being able to eat.
It will pass.
The first six months are the worst, after that you are on the way to healing and by a year down the line, you're back to your old self.
Effort is required though OP. At some point you will have to have a chat with yourself about moving on.
Keep yourself busy for now. Find ways to fill your time. Hang out with your mates/family.
Best of luck.

rainbowtrout

Everything Beruthiel said above.

Can't speak from direct personal experience, but the exact same thing happened my brother two years ago. Was going out with a girl for 6 years, love of his life, got on great together, they hadn't bought a house together or anything which was just as well in the end.

One evening out of the blue, she rings him, accused him of cheating on her and tells him she wants to break up with him. So he headed 60 miles down the country to see her and sort it out. Turns out she had been reading back through his emails going back 5 or 6 years and had decided that he was cheating on her with a girl that lived 200 miles away and was in a long term relationship and also was someone he was friends with since he was a teenager and long before this relationship started. He wasn't cheating.

So she said she believed him and it was ok, so he headed home, when he got home he got another call from her saying she had changed her mind and she still wanted to break up with him.

He never got a proper explanation, never heard another word from her, but I always suspected from what he had said about her friends and the people she worked with that she met someone else and didn't want to be the one to blame for the break up.


So sorry to hear about your situation OP, it's not going to be an easy time for you, but take your time to get over it, like was said above, after about 6 months you should start getting back to normal someway and in a year's time you will have moved on.

Spend time with your friends and family and whoever else you are close to. Start building new routines for yourself and take time to start a new way of life.

Smashhits

Hi Op,
I felt I needed to reply, as I went through exactly the same last year. After almost 18 years together my ex told me he didn't love me anymore, what he failed to say was that he had met someone else.
The reason I'm telling you this is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is a long one and you will feel like you take one step forward & about 3 back but keep going.
Deal with the basics/mundane chores, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, EAT, EAT,EAT.
You have to look after no 1 in this, if you need to cry do, it's a release of emotions and it can help you to see things more clearly. If you're not in a position to talk to friends/family make contact with a counsellor, they are professional and will have no emotional attachment or hidden agenda.
I agree with some of the posters who said your ex had been thinking about this for a while, and has possibly met someone else.
BUT that's not the issue you should be concentrating on. Your health is vital in this OP please look after yourself.
I'm a year down the line and I can look back and honestly say that it was a very dark time for me, that i didn't think i'd come through. But i'm still here. I'm stronger for it and I know now what happened was not my fault. Life does go on and time does heal (cliches I know) but take every day as it comes. This is beginning of the rest of your life.
Take care my thoughts are with you.

Wompa1

Sorry to say OP and it's pure speculation but there's a possibility she has met someone else. I was only going out with my ex for 2 years but pretty similarly she talked about not talking for a few weeks...it turned out she was meeting up with the other person in those weeks. She was also very very cruel and bitchy to me. I have cards from a few months before hand and e-mails etc. with her telling me how much she loved me, how she appreciated everything I did for her and helped make her a better person.

Unfortunately some people are fake. If this girl doesn't want to be with you, then screw her, you over time will feel the same. Why would anyone want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with them..or at least that's what I told myself.

The heartbreak I felt was worse than any death in the family I have gone through. I invested all of myself into that relationship, worked very hard to make a go of it. Unfortunately I was blinded by love and in hindsight I realize I was in a loveless relationship and she did not feel the same as me. I learned a valuable lesson from that girl

Eve_Dublin

To be honest, it IS pure specualtion whether or not she's met someone else and I think we should lay off that kind of speculation until the OP finds out the facts or we'll only make matters worse. We all have our own experiences and it's easy to project them onto someone else's. All you know is what you know and everything else is just a guess. This girl owes you an explaination.

LegacyUser

Hey Eve,

Although I do appreciate people taking the time to reply to my post, this is pretty much the reason I stopped posting. Its the last thing I need to hear is people telling me she's probably met someone else. I'm absolutely broken and have not slept a wink. I'm up all night drinking tea and am now sitting in a daze.

I know I'm sounding very pitiful and there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that but it's not just breaking up with a girl. I thought my whole life was mapped out for me, now I've lost my girlfriend/bestfriend, will have to sell the house, can't move in to family home as my parents broke up recently. I put all my savings into a small extension on our house so as to have a playroom for future kids I thought we'd have etc.

I posted here cause I'd noone to talk to but sometimes hearing peoples honest opinions is a little bit much (although I really appreciate honestly and peoples thought so thanks guys)

Eve_Dublin

guest56789 wrote: »

Hey Eve,

Although I do appreciate people taking the time to reply to my post, this is pretty much the reason I stopped posting. Its the last thing I need to hear is people telling me she's probably met someone else. I'm absolutely broken and have not slept a wink. I'm up all night drinking tea and am now sitting in a daze.

I know I'm sounding very pitiful and there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that but it's not just breaking up with a girl. I thought my whole life was mapped out for me, now I've lost my girlfriend/bestfriend, will have to sell the house, can't move in to family home as my parents broke up recently. I put all my savings into a small extension on our house so as to have a playroom for future kids I thought we'd have etc.

I posted here cause I'd noone to talk to but sometimes hearing peoples honest opinions is a little bit much (although I really appreciate honestly and peoples thought so thanks guys)

Again, before I head to bed myself, nobody here knows what is going on in her head. It's projection all round. Myself included a few posts back. For example, I was cranky with my exes many times near the end of a relationship (ended by me and by them) and not because I was two-timing, just because I was frustrated with something. Who knows. Each relationship is different and we don't know you or her for Adam. Again OP, can you not put your foot down here and absolutely demand an explaination??? That's the least you deserve.

countryliving

hi there i am so sorry for your hurt and your pain nothing i can write here will make you feel better
i have to say it is totally unfair that a lot of other people are saying your partner may have met someone else. there is a possibility that may have happened or there is also the possibility that this did not happen.
trust me - it is so difficult to meet a potential boyfriend/girlfriend it is not easy however i also question how people have time to be meeting other partners when in a relationship anyhow...........im going off on a tangent here
i have never been in a relationship for that length of time however i was going out with a guy and the relationship for me just fizzled out we were not compatible i wrote my ex a letter explaining in detail why - in fairness he was a decent good guy but we were not compatible sometimes these things are very difficult to explain sometimes love just goes away and one cant explain it.
sometimes the small things just drive one mad and the love goes
maybe your ex is just not able to face you to explain why she probably feels like hell cause she knows how she is hurting you
your priority is to - take 1 step at a time get through each day.
you need to confide in a family member or a good friend or get some conseilling - this will help.
dont feel alone we have all been through heartbreak. im in my 30s and in my mid 20s oh my god i will never forget how an ex nearly destroyed me - but it made me a stronger wiser better person.......be strong hold tough and you'll get through this.....

Moomoo1

*hugs*

threads like yours are by far the most heartbreaking of the ones you see on here. Just be strong and stick it out. I do think that given everything you have done for this person you have been treated very very shoddily indeed - regardless of the reasons for her decision.

countryliving

yep for sure you have been treated very badly all right. you deserve a explanation even if it is a letter or an email at least it will give you a chance to respond or something
in time you might find you are better off and your life may turn around for the best - i know it is too hard and sore hearing this but.........maybe you will find you are better off and you will be thankful she is gone ....... just mind yourself for now. your not alone you have friends here in the boards community.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but this is absolultey classic behaviour from someone who is cheating. This is well documented on many marriage websites and I would be happy to pm you the links to prove it.

The partner becomes aggressive, their personality completley changes from what they used to be like, they will very often project their guilt onto you by claiming you are cheating or they will be unable to say anything, again out of guilt. They become very agressive towards you to protect themselves and I'm sure you got the "I love you but am just not in love with you" speech or something similar.

This is all standard behaviour and from reading your first post it was instantly obvious. The good thing is there are ways to try and get her back but the fact that you aren't married and have no kids will work against you unfortunatley.

I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this but it is the truth and and any post telling you different is leading you up the garden path.

I'm sorry that your here and in this place. It's a living hell. But you can fight or you can walk with your head held high. The most important thing is not to beg or grovel.

The best revenge of all is a life lived well.

Eve_Dublin

jimCygnet wrote: »

The partner becomes aggressive, their personality completley changes from what they used to be like, they will very often project their guilt onto you by claiming you are cheating or they will be unable to say anything, again out of guilt. They become very agressive towards you to protect themselves and I'm sure you got the "I love you but am just not in love with you" speech or something similar.

Again, a serious amount of presuming going on there and you really aren't helping the poster here. I don't think the OP mentioned his girl accused him of cheating, I odn't think the ex mentioned she gave him the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line and I don't think he mentioned she was being "very aggressive". Basically you've filled in the blanks with your own pop psychology. I could diagnose myself with cancer with all the crap I read on the internet. He barely mentioned anything about what was going on...just that she was cold and ended it in a cold manner. This doesn't mean she was cheating. Perhaps some posters here have been cheated on and presume it's a lot more common than it actually is...most people are good, so why presume the worst when you've only got the bare facts? Your basically kicking a man when he's down with nothing to back you up. As I said, I was an absolute cow to an ex (I was young and foolish) just before I ended it and I certainly wasn't cheating.

Listen, sorry about this mods...warn me if you want but SOME posters come on here and use the cruel to be kind approach and to be honest, I don't think it's called for. This guy is clearly having a hard time...I think people could post with a bit more tact, particularly when it's only just happened...a bit more kindness is called for so posters won't stop posting when they've no one else to talk to.

beks101

Hi OP, I hope you are doing a little better today. Reading your posts here has been truly heartbreaking and I think most of us can relate on some level. Nothing justifies how your ex is acting right now and for her to display such hostility and lack of empathy or concern for you after years of commitment to each other must be an added kick to the teeth for you right now. I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

The lack of eating concerns me. There's absolutely nothing you can do about the emotional pain, but not taking care of yourself physically is only going to exacerbate it. What you are dealing with is essentially a grief, bereavement over the loss of a relationship and life that you thought was mapped out for you, and you need more strength and compassion now than ever. Try to get into a routine, even if it just feels like you're going through the motions. Try to eat breakfast, even if it's only a piece of toast or an apple, maybe drop into your family home for a meal if that's an option or arrange to meet a friend for lunch. You shouldn't be on your own through all of this, this is what friends and family are for. People care, you just have to reach out and show them that you need them. You absolutely 100% do not deserve any of this.

I know it doesn't seem like it but with time, comes perspective and you'll see that you're better off without this relationship. The pain will eventually begin to fade - this early stage is the worst it will get, and unfortunately you just have to sit it out. But please do try to ease your discomfort with the things you can control and take care of yourself, because this really is a crisis that is putting you under a lot of physical stress.

And now is not the time to be worrying or speculating about the 'reasons' for your ex's decision. I'd say that to other posters too - try not to project your own experiences onto what is happening here. The world isn't black and white, and right now the guessing and wildly speculating serves no purpose but to hurt someone who is already on his knees. No-one can say why this woman decided to end it except her, and she doesn't seem very forthcoming at the moment so the emphasis must be on the OP to build himself up and deal with the fall-out in a healthy and constructive manner.

Best of luck OP. You'll be ok x

Wompa1

yeah, hold in there buddy. I've lost people in my family but the way I got hurt by my ex felt so much worse. She was very mean, she even smiled twice when telling me what was going on....I will never forget that evil look on her face.

I didn't eat for nearly 7 days and lost close to a stone in weight...you kind of just have to force yourself, you'll feel really sick when you do try to eat again but you need to struggle on through..it makes things even worse on top of all the mental struggles. I feel for you. Posting on here can be a great way to vent, I know I didn't have much support right after and it helped me.

LegacyUser

With respect, you are responding on an emotional level. My response is based on years of research and fact. All cheating partners follow a script. The circumstances may be different but the actions are the same. When a partner ups and leaves a long term adult relationship in such a fashion it is either down to a mental issue (drugs, mental health issues etc) or there is someone else. If I was in OP's position I would want to be armed with the truth so I knew what I was dealing with. Fluffy emotional responses won't provide that.

OP, as I said, don't grovel or beg but do a bit of digging. You've invested a lot here so surely it's worth fighting for. Keep calm and rational no matter how difficult that may seem right now. She will be feeling incredible guilt, that's why she's acting the way she is but don't expect her to give you answers. Look elsewhere if possible. in the mean time, work on yourself, go to the gym, go out with mates, don't drink too much and be really pleasant with her when and if you get the chance.

I'll pm you a link that I think you'll find really helpful and will explain my advice.

TommyTippee

There's nothing to say she's cheating or met someone else....keep your own experiences to yourself.

They've been going out for 8 years and are nearing/in their 30s. A lot of people think about their relationships at this time and sometimes want out. It's horrible, but it happens a lot.

By the way, although the OP may not be able to see it now, it's always for the best.

30 is a great age to change your life....take it from one who knows (although I was 33)

LegacyUser

Hi,

OP here. I am reading all your comments. Eve pretty much hit the nail on the head in saying I haven't got anyone to talk to so came to boards as I'm part of the community (and recognize some of the posters in this thread) and now I kinda feel worse after reading some of the posts BUT its not the posters fault for being honest so please don't think I don't appreciate it.

I tried call her yesterday and was ignored and I send a text today saying "listen please don't have me calling you cause it's pathetic, if you're not going to talk to me at least have the decency to tell me". She wrote back "I'll call you later". (doubt she will)

I'm not going to get into this whole pestering with calls and texts thing with her but I feel I deserve a proper explanation. I can't eat a thing, I slept on the couch for 3 hours last night and I'm actually feeling pretty distressed. I'm trying to convince myself I'm being ridicules and to cop on. I'm sure I sound pretty stupid bit like I say, I don't know where I'm gonna go from here.

Wompa1

JimCygnet wrote: »

With respect, you are responding on an emotional level. My response is based on years of research and fact. All cheating partners follow a script. The circumstances may be different but the actions are the same. When a partner ups and leaves a long term adult relationship in such a fashion it is either down to a mental issue (drugs, mental health issues etc) or there is someone else. If I was in OP's position I would want to be armed with the truth so I knew what I was dealing with. Fluffy emotional responses won't provide that.

OP, as I said, don't grovel or beg but do a bit of digging. You've invested a lot here so surely it's worth fighting for. Keep calm and rational no matter how difficult that may seem right now. She will be feeling incredible guilt, that's why she's acting the way she is but don't expect her to give you answers. Look elsewhere if possible. in the mean time, work on yourself, go to the gym, go out with mates, don't drink too much and be really pleasant with her when and if you get the chance.

I'll pm you a link that I think you'll find really helpful and will explain my advice.

Are you speaking from a Psychology student/graduates point of view. If you are I also spent 2 years researching how Psychologists carry out their research....I had respect for psychologists until I started to experience their methods....

Already knowing what info they want to get out of the study and asking the questions in such a manner that they get what they want. Also blatantly cutting interviews from the study that did not fit the mold they wanted. Psychology is far from an exact science it is used in very broad terms. There are so many variables that cannot be considered. If I was you OP I'd go to a counsellor to get stuff off your chest and nothing more. If you get more out of it then that's excellent, just don't expect for everything to magically improve. Friends are the best support.

susiebubbles

It's crap but you may never get answers as to why. People will get tetchy and moody when a relationship is coming to an end regardless of the reasons, this is her way of dealing with it and if that is what she has to do then nothing will change it. Keep busy, when a relationship I was in ended ( I was pure crazy about him) I worked and worked, 60+ hours a week and if I hadn't done it I would've gone mad. The only thing I can say about it is that it will eventually get better. It will be awful for a while but IT WILL get better. You'll find your own way of dealing with it. You may not appreciate it now but a cold clean break is better than a long drawn out one. Good luck hon x

Moomoo1

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Listen, sorry about this mods...warn me if you want but SOME posters come on here and use the cruel to be kind approach and to be honest, I don't think it's called for. This guy is clearly having a hard time...I think people could post with a bit more tact, particularly when it's only just happened...a bit more kindness is called for so posters won't stop posting when they've no one else to talk to.

Well, I think it helps the recovery process to get the other person off the pedestal somewhat

But I do agree that all this argument isn't really helping the OP: there is a chance she was cheating and there is a chance that things went like you say, and perhaps that's what we should all agree on.

JajaD

Everybody in the whole world goes through this type of pain and yet it is always still as hard and heartbreaking for everyone. The feeling you have is horrible, i know it. It feels like someone has crushed your chest and you cant breathe. I feel so sorry for you, because you sound so lovely. Id say she just doesnt feel the same, but you never know, if you have been so close for the 8 years, maybe after a month or two she might realise what she had with you and want you back again. If she doesnt, be glad that you arent married. I suppose thats one pro. You will think about her probably everyday for the next year, but its how you deal with these thoughts that matter. You really do need to keep busy and do things that boosts your confidence and morale. I agree with a previous poster though, you definitely need to talk to your mother, or brother or some type of mate about it. Parents are usually better for this type of thing because they really do know best.

Keep busy. I really really hope you start to feel better soon, i know you will. Will you let us know how you are getting on?

Eve_Dublin

JimCygnet wrote: »

With respect, you are responding on an emotional level. My response is based on years of research and fact. All cheating partners follow a script. The circumstances may be different but the actions are the same. When a partner ups and leaves a long term adult relationship in such a fashion it is either down to a mental issue (drugs, mental health issues etc) or there is someone else. If I was in OP's position I would want to be armed with the truth so I knew what I was dealing with. Fluffy emotional responses won't provide that.

OP, as I said, don't grovel or beg but do a bit of digging. You've invested a lot here so surely it's worth fighting for. Keep calm and rational no matter how difficult that may seem right now. She will be feeling incredible guilt, that's why she's acting the way she is but don't expect her to give you answers. Look elsewhere if possible. in the mean time, work on yourself, go to the gym, go out with mates, don't drink too much and be really pleasant with her when and if you get the chance.

I'll pm you a link that I think you'll find really helpful and will explain my advice.

Nothing of what you said applies to the OP. Nada.

Eve_Dublin

This forum IS a community of sorts and certainly got me through some tough times when I'd no one else around.

OP, I know myself back in the day I got a knock to my confidence/self esteem that I believed I wasn't worth taking care of. Somebody who I loved (debatable) rejected me and I felt completely worthless...not worth the tissue I sobbed into. I felt totally dejected. This is no reflection on you....you sound like a good man. There's people who love you and your self-worth is not wrapped up in just one person. I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now (although I've experienced emotional pain in other circumstances...death in the family for one) and as Beks said, you need to keep your energy up to get through this horrible period (just to remind you, you WILL) so until you know the details, make sure to look after yourself. There's other people in your life who truly care about you and don't want to see you suffer. Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault and you're still completely loveable.

LegacyUser

Op here,

Dunno why I'm coming on here again. I've been crying the last hour solid and my eyes are all swollen and everything. Talked to her and its the way she's being so cold on the phone, I tried get an explanation from her, she swears blind its nothing to do with someone else and she just is fed up.

I've lost everything and I'm just in shock. Just needed to write this to get so it gave me something to do instead of pacing the house crying.

I am a friend

guest56789 wrote: »

Op here,

Dunno why I'm coming on here again. I've been crying the last hour solid and my eyes are all swollen and everything. Talked to her and its the way she's being so cold on the phone, I tried get an explanation from her, she swears blind its nothing to do with someone else and she just is fed up.

I've lost everything and I'm just in shock. Just needed to write this to get so it gave me something to do instead of pacing the house crying.

Have you friends or family you can talk to... Talking to her is obviously setting you back and getting you nowhere so you need to stop contacting her...

You havent lost everything. Surely you have more in your life than her as the centre?

Wompa1

guest56789 wrote: »

Op here,

Dunno why I'm coming on here again. I've been crying the last hour solid and my eyes are all swollen and everything. Talked to her and its the way she's being so cold on the phone, I tried get an explanation from her, she swears blind its nothing to do with someone else and she just is fed up.

I've lost everything and I'm just in shock. Just needed to write this to get so it gave me something to do instead of pacing the house crying.

Where do you live OP? Do you have a degree? a job? etc. Just to try and come up with stuff you could do to preoccupy your mind. I know how you feel, it's the worst feeling I've ever felt. I won't say it's worse than a death but for me it's been worse than some deaths in my family. Finding out I was betrayed, how mean she was about everything, realizing I wasted part of my life with her etc. Plus fighting the urge to contact her. It's terrible. I feel for you because it's months later and I'm still feeling so hurt. I think about her every day

Moomoo1

guest56789 wrote: »

Op here,

Dunno why I'm coming on here again. I've been crying the last hour solid and my eyes are all swollen and everything. Talked to her and its the way she's being so cold on the phone, I tried get an explanation from her, she swears blind its nothing to do with someone else and she just is fed up.

I've lost everything and I'm just in shock. Just needed to write this to get so it gave me something to do instead of pacing the house crying.

fed up with what?

Virgil°

I imagine she was fed up with the relationship. Her behaviour over the last month suggests that to me. Its happened in pretty much every relationship i've ever been in.
They act moody for a while and you think its just a bad spot or something, but in actual fact whats happened is they've fallen out of love with you,there can be no apparent reason for this alot of the time. The crankiness is a side effect of her having to pretend to be a good girlfriend, which she knows she should be, but can't go the full stretch because "it" isn't there anymore. "It" is the romantic version of love.
In addition to this "it" ,in most cases, cannot be reclaimed. As such my advice to you OP is this. Dont contact her, text her and ask her not to contact you(she will definitely contact you if she wants you back, although i wouldn't hold out much hope im afraid ).
And then ride out the bad bit. If you keep contacting her you will remain indefinitely in this horrid gut wrenching state. If you don't, then next week will be better than this week and the week after that better still etc....... Stay strong and remember this hell you're in now is temporary i promise.

LegacyUser

Hey,

Thanks all for your replys. The one above made me fell at least a little better. But in regards to not contacting her, I'm desperate for us to have a normal conversation and wish each other the best and get off the phone not arguing. I feel I kind of need that cause I keep dwelling on us arguing, I've text her saying this but got no reply. I feel I just wanna have a talk, tell each other I love you and best of luck kind of thing, I text her saying I think after this long I deserve at least this, she just said her Mums in and she cant talk and try call me later. this was last night but she never did.

Now I'm thinking I should just send her an email saying I'm sorry it didn't work out kind of thing and explain a few things. I don't know why I feel the need to do this. I think its cause I cant get it out over the phone cause she'd being so difficult.

Moomoo1

sure, but she's left, she doesn't need to pretend anymore, yet she's still acting cranky and fed up?

Abi

guest56789 wrote: »

I'm not going to get into this whole pestering with calls and texts thing with her but I feel I deserve a proper explanation.

Hi OP, firstly I'm very sorry to hear your relationship has ended, and so suddenly for you. Secondly, for the mammoth post >.<

I can understand that you crave an explanation for why she chose to end it (forget the fairy stories below about seeing anyone else, there is no proof WHATSOEVER). A family member is going through something similar, left with no explantion other than a shrug of the shoulders.

My belief is, she just 'out-grew' the relationship. Sometimes guys aren't great at picking up on the signs too, and there may have been little signs / warnings that went over your head.

So what now? Have another read over Beruthiels post. It's common sense and the best guide you're going to get in order to get over this.

She was part of your life for so long, how do you just void someone out like that? The answer is simple, you need to make sure you fill that time with being with friends and family, picking up new interests and meeting new people. In time things will start to come right, and you'll feel more 'normal' again. Don't just think about it, do it. It will help repair your heart that little bit quicker.

I can't eat a thing, I slept on the couch for 3 hours last night and I'm actually feeling pretty distressed.

Even though you don't feel like it, try to at least little and often. How are you going to get over all this, if you're running your body into the ground?

guest56789 wrote: »

Dunno why I'm coming on here again. I've been crying the last hour solid and my eyes are all swollen and everything.

Because you need to talk to someone. A lot of guys don't have someone they can sit down and talk this stuff out to, so you aren't alone on that front. Though as Eve said, do try. If you would find it awkward talking to your friends about it, go for a family member.

Talked to her and its the way she's being so cold on the phone, I tried get an explanation from her, she swears blind its nothing to do with someone else and she just is fed up.

I've lost everything and I'm just in shock. Just needed to write this to get so it gave me something to do instead of pacing the house crying.

I understand the pacing and crying is out of shock and frustration, but stop and sit down and try to digest what she IS saying to you. If she says she just got fed up, then she just got fed up. She has chosen to just end it rather than to attempt working anything out, so this must have been on-going in her mind for quite some time. You don't just make snap decisions like that, and throw away a relationship.


Now, the hard bit. Sometimes the love runs out from within the boundaries of a relationship. You've done nothing wrong, but she must feel you've grown apart and it went dead in the water for her. I say this because I've been 'stone-cold' and 'cruel' towards my ex, so he says. I've had chats with him though, as I don't want to see him suffer. But I get angry when he says things like 'I'll make you take me back... I know you still love me...' then the nasty stuff comes out when he's not getting his way. Not saying that you get nasty with her, but it sounds like shes being cold because she's trying to get you to understand that there is no way back for her. Sometimes its not any one thing OP, but a lot of little things.

My heart goes out to you, because I know the questions are flying around in your head, but take hold of your life. Start to process the fact that she's not going to come back, BUT you did have a life before her. As far back in the distance as that is, you WILL come right again. I think she's afraid to talk to you, because she knows it's gone, and is struggling to deal with how you're feeling at the moment.

As somebody else said, 30 is a great age OP, as soon as you start to digest this I'm sure you will begin to enjoy life again

LegacyUser

Abi,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write that and respond to a few of my thoughts. I really appreciate it. I can't talk to family I'm really not that type of guy, I can't express my feelings to anyone so I thanks for replying.

I think I'll just go ahead and write an e-mail later on and send it and then let that be that. I feel I need to say something and I want it out of my head. I've read countless threads online and they're filled with advice to not pester with calls and texts (as hard as that might be) so I think i'll just do that.

I'll come back here in a day or too and let all know how I'm getting (just in case anyone's curious that is).

I know I need to start eating but I feel sick at even the thought of it.

Thanks all, especially Abi and Eve, (and someone else but I can't click back to get the name) you have been great.

guest56789

guest56789 wrote: »

But in regards to not contacting her, I'm desperate for us to have a normal conversation and wish each other the best and get off the phone not arguing. I feel I kind of need that cause I keep dwelling on us arguing, I've text her saying this but got no reply. I feel I just wanna have a talk, tell each other I love you and best of luck kind of thing, I text her saying I think after this long I deserve at least this,

Now I'm thinking I should just send her an email saying I'm sorry it didn't work out kind of thing and explain a few things. I don't know why I feel the need to do this. I think its cause I cant get it out over the phone cause she'd being so difficult.

there is no reason to do any of these things other then you want to talk to her, you want her to understand its not over, you want her to turn around and say she made a mistake. you want to end a conversation on a good note so she will think your the best guy she could ever find, and that she has made a mistake.
i know in the back of your head thats whats going on, even if you cant admit it yet, i know because thats exactly how i was.
i was understanding, took all his emotions into consideration, was the perfect 'ex-girlfriend' all because deep down i hoped he would see how perfect i was for him. it took me a long time to see thats what i was doing.

and it made no difference because you know what? he just didnt love me anymore, he didnt want to be with me anymore. the perfect guy i was mad about, his feelings changed for some reason i didnt understand and he couldnt explain.
i had a pain in my chest for weeks, i cried and cried, couldnt eat and tried everything to get him to go back just a few months.
his feelings just changed.
its crap, its really really hard but honestly it does get better and eventually, like me, you will look back and think 'i dont even care why anymore' it will happen, i promise.
dont contact her, so hard i know. just go on the beer with some good friends, and if your emotions come to the surface, so what? they will be drunk as well!! im not advocating drink as a solution, just one blow out because i know some guys are not good with emotions!

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm so sorry this has happened and I know that its an absolute nightmare and the loss is immense cos its like you've lost ten people instead of just one. Also you are mourning the loss of the future you thought you'd have with her. When my ex left me I went through hell and I literally felt like I was going insane and it took many months for this to pass. And the worst part of it was my ex kept in touch with me for ages afterwards which made it impossible to heal.

So as bad as it sounds, if you feel that she is dead serious about this, then the best thing for you is to have as little contact as possible. I know that sounds like hell but I wish I had stopped all contact with my ex when we split. It has taken me over a year and a half to heal from my ex which is a mad amount of time after only 3 years together. But I was crazy in love with him and really wanted to spend my life with him.

I think seeing a counsellor could help you loads. Having that dedicated amount of time to get loads off your chest will help you so much. When something so serious happens you need to talk, talk, talk and then talk some more.

Abi

guest56789 wrote: »

Abi,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write that and respond to a few of my thoughts. I really appreciate it. I can't talk to family I'm really not that type of guy, I can't express my feelings to anyone so I thanks for replying.

I think I'll just go ahead and write an e-mail later on and send it and then let that be that. I feel I need to say something and I want it out of my head. I've read countless threads online and they're filled with advice to not pester with calls and texts (as hard as that might be) so I think i'll just do that.

I'll come back here in a day or too and let all know how I'm getting (just in case anyone's curious that is).

I know I need to start eating but I feel sick at even the thought of it.

Thanks all, especially Abi and Eve, (and someone else but I can't click back to get the name) you have been great.

Hi OP, glad you wrote back. Do the email thing, but say all you have to in it and let it lie. From then on you have to start on the road to fixing your head and heart. That means doing things you don't feel up to for a while, but you'll eventually feel right again

Do come back and say how you're getting on, I'm normally lurking about around these parts, would like to see how you're getting on

premierlass

OP, I just wanted to say that I've been reading the thread and I really feel for you. Please come back and post here when you feel like it, because I'd like to know how you're getting on.