Going great, then I received a very interesting voicemail...

LegacyUser

So here's the background, I've been seeing this guy for a month and a bit now. We met off a well known dating website, he's late 30's, I'm mid 20's. We would go out on 2 or 3 dates a week or so normally, in pretty constant contact in between dates, he always picked up the bill, seemed really affectionate and seemed to be as interested in me as I was in him. I met his mother (an unplanned meeting mind you!) He had started talking about us going away somewhere nice for the weekend, things were going swimmingly and I thought I had maybe finally found someone I was really interested in and who cared about me.
We talked a bit about the dating thing last week, both said we weren't going on dates with anybody else and had no plans to. That's really as far as that conversation went as I felt it was a bit too early for "the chat" but it just cropped up in conversation so we briefly went with it anyhow.

Cue Saturday, I look at my phone while I was in work and see a voicemail from a random number. I listen to it and it's some English woman and it basically word for word said "This is **** just to let you know **** cheats and two times on every woman he's with, he's got about 50 girls' numbers in his phone, dirty texts, pics, everything, sorry, I just thought you should know..."
I should mention he's only moved back here a few months ago after living in England for a good number of years. So I ring her back straight away to find out what the hell this is all about.

She says she's been with him for 4 years met him whilst he was living over there. He was over there this weekend to see her and he left his phone sitting and a message came through from a woman...she looked at it, then looked through the rest and discovered 100's of other messages from all these other women with naked pics, the works, so that's how she got my number. Thankfully there's no pics in there from me as I'm more reserved than that...But she felt she should ring some and let them know. Before I even got a chance to ask any questions she had to go as she was with him and he was coming back.

So an hour or so later she rings back, apologises for cutting off on me so quick but she didn't want him to know she was on to him yet as he was staying with her all weekend and despite finding this but having been with him 4 years she cared for him too much to leave him stranded over there if she confronted him now! I tell her I obviously had no idea, if I did I wouldn't have went near him, but I had asked him and he said he wasn't seeing anyone else and hadn't done for a while. She starts calling him names, sounding a bit upset, keeps apologising to me for telling me this and then says he had even asked her to marry him (I'm not sure what the answer was but I'm presuming no from the way she said it)

We had made rough plans to go out for a few drinks tonight (Sunday), she said he was flying back over here this afternoon...nice I know.

Anyhow, I haven't heard from him, and I haven't contacted him. I don't know whether I should or not. Part of me thinks just let it go and cut him out of my life, but part of me thinks why should he get off so easily. If this is all true even...I've never been in the middle of something like this but some things just don't totally add up to me about it. I honestly don't know what to think about it, part of me is even thinking maybe he didn't want to continue seeing me and instead of ending it he concoted this!! Would someone really go to that lenght to break something off with someone??

What should I do???

Miss Fluff

I wouldn't contact him if I were you because trying to get the truth from someone who is a pathalogical liar isn't the easiest of tasks. He may or may not call you but I wouldn't hold my breath. I'm sure you're shaking your head and wondering wtf but just be thankful that it hadn't become serious or that you had fallen too hard - sounds like a total sleazeball.

Eve_Dublin

You know, normally my sensible side would say leave it but I'd be inclined to get some kind of revenge on this guy to teach him a lesson. Chidlish as hell I know but I'd be annoyed about this for years everytime I though about it unless I did something. I think yourself and this woman should come up with a plan between you. That's my serious advice. I don't have any ideas right now as I've never done like this but the satisfaction of getting your own back would be a relief to both of you. I'm not saying to do anything serious or illegal, just something to embarrass the hell out of him. Narcissistic, arrogant fecker. :mad:

John Mason

how do you know this woman was genuine ? she could be a bitter ex who was in his company over the weekend or a friend of an ex.

i would meet up with him and let him hear the VM for himself and gauge his reaction from there.

i wouldnt be getting in to the whole revenage thing with him, that will just make you look sad and pathatic

Taltos

irishbird wrote: »

how do you know this woman was genuine ? she could be a bitter ex who was in his company over the weekend or a friend of an ex.

i would meet up with him and let him hear the VM for himself and gauge his reaction from there.

i wouldnt be getting in to the whole revenage thing with him, that will just make you look sad and pathatic

Maybe - but if she is bitter - then what is he doing spending time with her - otherwise how did she get the OPs number.
Guess you gotta ask yourself if you want to be involved someone that is either a cheat or has baggage to beat the band.

LegacyUser

Just a small update, he texted me this morning just saying "can we talk?" no x's at the end like normal... So obviously it must be true as I haven't contacted him yet... I dont know what to do, if I do reply I'll be keeping him waiting for a bit anyways, but I don't know what can be gained from talking to him. Obviously I would like answers and to hear his side of the story to see how he tries to play it, see if he comes out with the truth or not. I'm not sure how I should act if I do give him a chance to explain. I would love to go to town on him as what he has done I'd terrible, more so to the other woman than me, but then I don't know if I should let him know it's bothered me and I should be completely like "I don't care take a hike son..."

Revenge of some sort does sound slighty appealing to me, but I'd have no idea where to start and I'd be slightly afraid of possible consequences if I did.

Lon Dubh

irishbird wrote: »

how do you know this woman was genuine ? she could be a bitter ex who was in his company over the weekend or a friend of an ex.

i would meet up with him and let him hear the VM for himself and gauge his reaction from there.

i wouldnt be getting in to the whole revenage thing with him, that will just make you look sad and pathatic

The way the OP is describing it it sounds genuine to me. OP, I would be inclined to cut him out of your life and cut your losses and run.

MissFlitworth

It does sound like that person who called is genuine OP & either way I would have absolutely no interest in continuing with a relationship with the guy (it smells like a future with all manner of ridiculous drama ahead, either with a cheater or someone with a lunatic ex) but I would personally meet up with him & tell him what happened. If only because on the very, very off chance that the person who called you is a nutter & he actually is a nice person then it would be good for him to know about it so he can sort things out. Just in case he spends the next few years going around wondering why he keeps getting dumped all the time

Miss Fluff

Oneofmanygirls wrote: »

Just a small update, he texted me this morning just saying "can we talk?" no x's at the end like normal... So obviously it must be true as I haven't contacted him yet... I dont know what to do, if I do reply I'll be keeping him waiting for a bit anyways, but I don't know what can be gained from talking to him. Obviously I would like answers and to hear his side of the story to see how he tries to play it, see if he comes out with the truth or not. I'm not sure how I should act if I do give him a chance to explain. I would love to go to town on him as what he has done I'd terrible, more so to the other woman than me, but then I don't know if I should let him know it's bothered me and I should be completely like "I don't care take a hike son..."

Revenge of some sort does sound slighty appealing to me, but I'd have no idea where to start and I'd be slightly afraid of possible consequences if I did.

Two choices here really:

1. Totally ignore him and add him to the numpty pile. Why give him the time of day?

2. Reply "what about?" by text, invariably get involved in dialogue with him. Hear him out. He will invariably say:

a. The texts were sent long before he met you/agreed to be exclusive
b. The call was from a psycho bitter ex with a gripe
c. That he is mad about and can't believe this has happened

You then either choose to believe him or not.

As far as revenge goes, why would you even be bothered?

I am a friend

I would meet him out of curiosity but would not continue with him. Even if this girl is just a crazy ex you dont want her on your case every 2 weeks....

Emme

Cut him out and move on. It sounds like he was fairly serious about you because you saw a lot of each other, but he would probably cheat on you eventually (if he wasn't eventually).

I hate to say it, but it isn't unusual for guys his age and up to behave in this way. Especially if he hasn't been married before, maybe he's incapable of commitment.

Dating sites are the work of the devil. Try getting out and meeting guys the old fashioned way!

shinikins

Run a mile, OP. Either he is a pathalogical cheater and chases women like a dog chases a rabbit, or she's a crazy ex. With both scenario's you're setting yourself up for stress. You don't know him well, its hardly like you've been seeing him for a while and have fallen for him, so cut your losses and you'll be able to laugh at this in the future.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

Especially if he hasn't been married before, maybe he's incapable of commitment.

Dating sites are the work of the devil. Try getting out and meeting guys the old fashioned way!

What & what?

Anyway OP the fact she had your number would be the clincher for me, I'd ignore him and move on...

Kevin Duffy

Before you set out on the road to revenge, dig two graves - Confucious.

Unless you want your life to be a stressful, spiralling soap opera that will probably end in tears or the courts, don't be stupid enough to take revenge on anyone, for anything. If you accept that you don't want to see him again, just stop seeing him and move on.

Emme

bluewolf wrote: »

What & what?

Anyway OP the fact she had your number would be the clincher for me, I'd ignore him and move on...

She first met the man on a dating site.

Justask

Oneofmanygirls wrote: »

Just a small update, he texted me this morning just saying "can we talk?" no x's at the end like normal... So obviously it must be true as I haven't contacted him yet... I dont know what to do, if I do reply I'll be keeping him waiting for a bit anyways, but I don't know what can be gained from talking to him. Obviously I would like answers and to hear his side of the story to see how he tries to play it, see if he comes out with the truth or not. I'm not sure how I should act if I do give him a chance to explain. I would love to go to town on him as what he has done I'd terrible, more so to the other woman than me, but then I don't know if I should let him know it's bothered me and I should be completely like "I don't care take a hike son..."

Revenge of some sort does sound slighty appealing to me, but I'd have no idea where to start and I'd be slightly afraid of possible consequences if I did.

You want revenge???

Best revenge you can do is hold your head up high, smile and get on with your life!! Without him

ztoical

Oneofmanygirls wrote: »

Revenge of some sort does sound slighty appealing to me, but I'd have no idea where to start and I'd be slightly afraid of possible consequences if I did.

Revenge for what exactly? You said it yourself you had a nice time with him but had only had a brief chat about dating exclusively. If what you heard via this women was true then consider yourself lucky you got out before things got serious and move on.

I know some people will say 'he needs to learn blah blah' but honestly what does that get you? Do you want to be the person going through the phone calling random people? Do you think anything you do will teach this guy a lesson? Not likely.

shinikins

Emme wrote: »

She first met the man on a dating site.

So? Plenty of people meet on dating sites and have no problems, my best friend met her partner of 6 years on a dating site and is now engaged to be married, I met my boyfriend on a dating site and we're together 2 years soon. My last ex I met through friends and he turned out to be a nightmare.

OP, just move on from this, you'll have dodged a bullet. Put it down to experience, you truly don't know someone until you get to know them well-that goes for someone you meet online or someone you meet on a night out.

LegacyUser

Me again guys, and thank you all for your replies

Ok firstly on the revenge thing, I guess I didn't really mean that at all. I was in a bit of a mood earlier and when I got his text it just made me a bit angry and you start thinking a bit daft when in moods... I know I wouldn't really do anything, I'm better than that, and quite frankly he does not deserve me wasting an ounce of energy on him if this is all true. I think the fact that he only contacted me today when we had planned to meet last night annoyed me, he laid low for a day, obviously knowing I knew, getting his story straight I imagine.

So I decided to reply eventually just saying if you're going to explain then yes we can talk. He replied with "she's a married business woman I've known for 4 years"??? That doesn't explain alot...so he's coming to meet me later tonight to explain all.
To be honest I'm slightly nervous about it. I'm quite a hard shelled person on the exterior, but really I just dislike confrontation of any type, and I've never been in this sort of situation before and I can just imagine the bullsh*t he's going to spew. Yes he could just come out clean with it all but I severly doubt it. Yes this could honestly maybe not be what it seems to me, but I doubt that too. Now that I think about despite the fact that I did really like him I can see him as being that type of person, he was smooth, too smooth on reflection.

Anyways, all will be explained tonight apparently...to be honest I am only allowing him to talk to settle my curiosity. It would kill me if I cut him out of my life without hearing just what he has to say. Even if he did have a solid, air tight, completely logical and believable story to explain all this I just couldn't continue to see him. It would always be in the back of my mind and I don't think I could honestly trust him 100% as much as I did like him. It would have me doubting anytime he would say he was busy or was going away for a day or whatever.

And with regards dating sites, I've generally had good success from them (untill now...) met some really good decent fellas from them but things just didn't work out due to other reasons. I know quite a few people in long term relationships with people they've met off dating websites. Sure there is some nutters, slimeballs, cheats & liars on them but you'll find them wherever you go, you just have to weed them out...Just appears this one slipped through with me this time.

Anyways, I will report back with what happens tonight. I'm nervous, I shoudn't be, it's already over as far as I'm concerned, but I am wish me luck...

LegacyUser

I think your nervous because you know exactly what is going to happen.
I've seen this kind of thing, in fact I've been the girl, times before. Where the guy worms his way back in, a face to face chat becomes back to bed, and byesies, he's off to be the guy that he is. The guy that has pictures of other women on his phone, and will not likely commit to you, ever.


Hope you don't get hurt.
x

Emme

Emme wrote: »

She first met the man on a dating site.

To be fair there's plenty of psychos in the "real world" too.

Kidchameleon

I don't get why everyone is believing the English woman by default (although admittedly it does look very bad) There could be any number of reasons she is ringing saying these things. If a total stranger from another country rang me and told me there's an alien living in my attic, should I just believe them? OP let us know how the talk goes. Good Luck.

Miss Fluff

myusernm wrote: »

I think your nervous because you know exactly what is going to happen.
I've seen this kind of thing, in fact I've been the girl, times before. Where the guy worms his way back in, a face to face chat becomes back to bed, and byesies, he's off to be the guy that he is. The guy that has pictures of other women on his phone, and will not likely commit to you, ever.


Hope you don't get hurt.
x

Me too, have seen this so many times.

Hope you're strong enough not to believe his bullsh1t and kick him to the curb OP.

Distorted

I would tend to believe the other woman. How else would she have his phone number, know when exactly he was away and coming back, and why did he react as he did, despite no contact from the OP?

I'm disappointed you are seeing him again OP as it will no doubt give him a chance to formulate his "story" and I hope he doesn't worm his way back into your affections, thus prolonging the misery. Imagine having to make the phone call that the other woman did to you several years down the line, when you are no longer the new and interesting one?

Honestly, I know of no-one in real life that this has happened to, other than through internet dating. Even when I worked in the area of divorce, the "back stories" were never as complicated as some of the tales you hear about internet dating. The trouble with internet dating is that you are meeting total strangers, who can fabricate an idealised image if they want. Great for people who are not meeting anyone new, but also risky, as your tale shows.

stamfordbridge

So, what happened with it? To be honest, I can't believe the OP is even meeting this guy to let him "explain"; the whole situation sounds very dodgey to me. The stress of it, it's even giving me a headache thinking about it and I'm not the one going through it. This man sounds like trouble, provided what the english lady said is true...but how could it not be at least partly true if the lady had her number? At least that means that he was lying about being 100% single.

Be safe OP!

LegacyUser

Just to update you guys we did meet last night. He rang beforehand to try and talk with the most sorryass, sad, pathetic voice I have ever heard...told him no, come and meet me, I wasn't for allowing him to take the easy route and do this by phone. So after taking his sweet time he arrived, made him sit outside the house in the car for "the talk". I was quite a cold hearted b*tch with it but I had already made my mind up I wasn't for seeing him again no matter what he came up with, the damage was already done in my mind and I know I could never fully trust him if I did continue to see him.

Bear with me guys, I'm going to give you the full rundown as I think it's pretty good!

So, he says she's just a married business woman who lives in England that he's known for 4 years from when he was living over there. I tell him what she said, that she's been with him for 4 years & he asked her to marry him. He calls her a lying b*tch, says she's been married 10 years with 2 kids but she's mad for him, constantly contacting him but he's told her it aint gonna happen. I'm like right, whatever, how did she get my number then? He says she went through his phone. I say how did she have your phone? He says because he was with her. So I'm like right then so you were over with her in England over the weekend and he admits it. Apparently she paid for him to come over for the weekend and for them to stay in a hotel.
When he woke up on Saturday morning his phone was no where to be found, she denied all knowledge of it's whereabouts but turns out she had it and this was how she got my number, along with the rest of these women who she rang. According to him the rest of these women were not people he was also seeing but clients, family, friends etc. She just seen they were women and starting ringing them all. I don't believe him so he produces his phone to show me, only thing is when he shows me the ONLY messages in there are convenient ones from her to show me how "crazy" she is for him, no other messages, not even mine. He then has no other option but to admit that he deleted all the other ones... apparently he keeps making the mistake of keeping in contact with ex's, sure some people do keep in contact but that sort of explicit contact doesn't just happen without both parties playing along.

So, I decide for the sake of the talk I'll believe his story. I berate him about sneaking about with a married woman for such a long period of time. His take on it was that she was the married one, when it happened in the past he was the free and single one so that was her problem and she was the one cheating, he did no wrong there. He didn't know why he went to see her this weekend but he did anyways, he made a mistake. Still the fact is he was over there for a dirty weekend with her, then flying back on the Sunday afternoon to meet up with me that night!

I ask him why never contacted me on Sunday when he had said about going out that night, why did he leave it till Monday to even text me. He said his head was messed up on Sunday with it all and he didnt know what to do. However, he did tell his friend who I have met before all about what happened on Sunday. Apparently his friend thinks very highly of me and gave him a b*llocking, told him he had been so stupid and made a massive mistake as I was such a wonderful girl, beautiful, smart, lovely, really in to him etc I was young and free and that he could've settled down with me, got married, had kids... he trailed off that sentance, gazing in to my eyes as if to make a point...so I just said "Well, it's ruined now isn't it, let's leave it there! see ya!" and left him sitting in the car!
To be honest, I am incredibly proud of how I ended the talk, I don't think I could've written it better if I had tried

Despite how cold I was with it all, he doesn't appear to be giving up. He texted late last night asking for me to give him one chance to put things right. I left it till this morning to reply and just asked how he was going to do that, he says he want to take me away for a break somewhere nice this weekend... two dirty weekends in a row? I don't think so! So I haven't replied to that yet but he continues to text to let him try. I'm tempted to string him along a little bit but I don't know if I can be bothered. Under no circumstances will I be seeing him again, but everybody I've told this to tells me I should string him along by text anyways. I don't think I will, I think I'll just leave it there and see how long it is before he gives up.

Anyways, there you go! There was a lot more in there but I'll not ramble on any longer! I don't think he had his story quite as straight as he would've liked because he had to back track quite a few times and got caught out on things which he then had to admit. Regardless of who's story is true, either she has been with him for 4 years, or he has been regularly seeing a married woman for 4 years, both are just as bad as the other as far as I'm concerned. I was watching him closely while we were talking, fidgeting with buttons in the car, picking invisible bits of fluff off his clothes, biting his nails, he was not a comfortable man. Whether that was uncomfortable through lying, having to come clean, or being put on the spot I'm not sure, all I know is I would never be able to trust him and he is simply not the man for me and never will be.

Sorry for the really long post guys! But it was a bit of a night to remember for me! I was strong and didn't allow him to weasle out of it by pulling sorry looking faces and a putting on a little "woe is me" voice, I don't think he expected that from me. If anything at least I've learnt I'm stronger than I imagined in that sort of situation

Miss Fluff

Well done I love happy endings! Great that you see the prick for what he is.

Just one last word of advice. I wouldn't bother answering his texts or "stringing him along". This type of guy is just a text-book slimeball so every text you reply to (even with the intention of leading him on) will just stoke his already gargantuan ego even further. It will dent him a lot more to just totally cut him out and not bother with him tbh, he'll be scratching his pea-brained head wondering wtf when he thought he was irrisistible all along

LegacyUser

Wow well done oneofmanygirls , I'm sitting here smiling like an idiot , you can rightly be proud of yourself.
FANTASTIC and much respect!!!!

booboo88

I love how he was telling her she wasnt getting anywhere with him, but he agreed to go to a hotel with her? :rolleyes:
good on you
my ex did same thing, well about texts, he conviently deleted all the texts from his text that he supposedly had cut contact with but kept everything else.
Once a liar always a liar

I am a friend

Well done op - he sounds like a total toerag. Well done for treating him with the contempt he deserves you are so lucky you found out this early

Distorted

oneofmanygirls wrote: »

I was young and free and that he could've settled down with me, got married, had kids... he trailed off that sentance, gazing in to my eyes as if to make a point...

This was my favourite bit. Run for the hills - any guy you've just started dating who talks about marriage and kids is spinning you a line anyway! Red flag!

Honestly I would just never ever have any contact with him again. It will be much more satisfying than stringing him along.

LegacyUser

Thank you guys I feel really good about myself right now, don't know if that's just because I know I've dodged some definate hurt further down the line if this hadn't of came up now or not, but I feel great! Even though I really did like him and I was hopeful about where it was going, I simply could not imagine myself going near him again, the thought of it disgusts me now. The thought of even humouring him, using him or stringing him along for a nice free slap up meal or whatever makes me cringe, I couldnt even sit opposite him for an hour or 2. Sure it could've been much worse but I've never been so quickly turned off someone in my life!

And you are all right, ignoring him completely is much more satisfying than stringing him along! I still haven't replied to him since yesterday morning but he's still trying, coming across as rather desperate but that's his problem! He texted today wanting to come in and see me in work and begging me to reply, that's quite alright with me as I wasnt in work today! My works a small place, they all know of him and have had the whole story of what all happened, so he would've got a pretty chilly reception if he did go in

If he really wanted to be with me that much he should've thought about it before he disappeared off to England for a dirty weekend with some married woman (or whichever version is actually true...) I'm surprised I'm not more annoyed about it all, sure its really quite a short time I've known him, but I put alot of time into it and he really had me string along. But no, I feel great right now

Thanks again guys for all your replies and advice, they're all helping me feel great too!

I am a friend

Onwards and upwards OP.

Its great to finally see a post on here where someone puts themselves first before a poor excuse of a partner....

gargleblaster

I am a friend wrote: »

Onwards and upwards OP.

Its great to finally see a post on here where someone puts themselves first before a poor excuse of a partner....

Agreed, and it was due in large part to the efforts of the woman that found him out. Fair play to her for warning his other victims.