Marriage weakening?

LegacyUser

Never thought I'd be posting on boards asking for advice or opinions on my relationship, but here I am.

We've been together for over a decade, in our thirties. I love her very much and I know she loves me too but lately every little thing she does has been driving me up the wall. A lot of it is just silly, meaningless stuff and I don't know why I can't simply let go. I mean most people just think this stuff is no big deal and everyone has their little peculiarities.

A few examples:

She never turns off the lights. Doesn't matter which room it is, she'll leave the light on unless I remind her to switch it off when she leaves and even then, sometimes. On many occasions I've come home from work to find the lights on throughout the house (I usually get home before her.)

She eats with her hands, which is fine, but the way she eats, her fingers get really sticky and she doesn't bother using a tissue. She then touches everything with her hands while eating, the remote, the cushions, the salt shaker, leaving sticky trails on everything. I find it really disgusting.

Everything is left open. If she takes something out of a container or opens a drawer, they will be left open. The microwave door. She won't switch off the dishwasher or the washing machine before opening the door. If I don't switch them off the red light of the washing machine will be on for days with the door open.

Towels. She has a mountain of these in her room. (We have our bedroom but she has another room where she does her make-up and stuff. All her make-up etc. is spread out on the bed there.) She'll use a towel and then toss it on the bed, never put it to dry or even hang it on the hooks in the bathroom. So I have to go around finding them and getting them ready, if I don't we won't have clean towels to use after a shower, though this doesn't bother her the way it does me.

Keys. She's constantly losing house keys. I have to go and get new copies made for her every month (though she's managed to keep the latest set for over a month.) I don't understand why she can't keep them properly. In fact she loses everything. It's gotten to the point where I have to hang on to her Credit card and cash card because they'll be gone in a week if she's carrying them around. She once had 5-6 replacements in a 6 month period. Don't ask me how many mobile phones she's gone through, the latest being a 500 euro HTC smart phone that was left on the train within one week of her purchasing it.

Don't ask her to do any paperwork. It will never happen. I have to get everything, all the supporting documents and then plead with her till it's done. We have had so much real and financial loss because of her inability or unwillingness to sort out essential stuff. She works really hard and doesn't claim the overtime she is entitled to, we're talking nearly 10k euro sometimes.

When we are having dinner and sitting together to watch TV she will always take the smallest possible plate and take a very small portion on it. It's obvious that it's not enough and that she will have to go back for seconds. It's annoying because we will sit down to eat and watch our programs together and she'll be getting up in 10 minutes for a helping, and then again for tea or something else in another few minutes. It's not a one way thing, she doesn't like it if I get up to do something during the program either. I don't understand why she can't just take a normal plate and a normal sized helping to begin with.

She is never on time. It doesn't matter when or where we agree to meet up. I have a habit of being punctual, but even if I'm late, I still have to wait 20-30 minutes minimum for her. In ten years, I can't remember if she's ever had to wait for me. Less than once per year anyway.

She has never worn a pair of sexy lingerie for me. I've begged her to, even bought it for her once or twice. She always says she will, but then she doesn't. In fact, if she is wearing matching underwear, that's usually a minor miracle.

The list goes on and on of silly, stupid, petty things and I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been under a bit of pressure as well lately and haven't been feeling in the best of form. Is it just me being a control freak? Am I falling out of love with her?

Thing is, I know she is a one in a million girl. She's smart, funny, honest, the warmest, kindest and most empathetic person I know. She's a great listener and is very beautiful on the inside as well as outside. She is a special, special person. I'd do anything for her and I think she would for me. I'm also sure that I probably do a million things that make her feel the same way, including the fact that I point out this stuff despite feeling like an assh*le for doing so. I don't know why I can't just overlook all the stupid, little stuff but it's just driving me nuts at this stage.

Last night I was cranky and she came home quite late and I couldn't control myself. I was just whinging non-stop about all the stupid nonsense and she asked me if I was beginning to hate her or something. I, we need to do something one way or another or things aren't going to end well.

Kooli

You already know that a lot of things on that list are petty, and I imagine that most things on that list are not new - she was probably always like that, so the question is why now? Why has everything started to drive you up the wall recently?

Some people look at it one way - that someones little irritating habits can turn you off them, or you can discount someone because of certain things they do that they can't stand.

I see it the other way - whether something annoys us or not depends on our deeper feelings for that person.

So to me, the specifics about all the things she does 'wrong' are irrelevant. The question is what is going on between you at the moment, and what has changed between you? If you don't love her anymore or don't want to be with her anymore, then you are going to have to just cut to the chase and admit that to yourself, rather than listing all her faults and flaws (which we all have, you included) as justification for your ill-feeling towards her.

So in conclusion - I don't think you are going off her because of all her annoying habits. I think you are picking up on all her annoying habits because you are going off her.

So the decision now is, do you want to work on things with her and get things back on track? Or do you want out?
Only you can answer that one honestly.

seenitall

Kooli wrote: »

I don't think you are going off her because of all her annoying habits. I think you are picking up on all her annoying habits because you are going off her.

So the decision now is, do you want to work on things with her and get things back on track? Or do you want out?

^^^^ This, OP.

Also, you don't mention any children, but I would like to add that my advice would be to think really carefully before having a child with your wife, as, frankly, your marriage sounds more like a parent-child relationship than an equal partnership in itself; so you would effectively be adding yet another person to your current list of responsibilities of going after someone else around the house and closing what they left open, cleaning what they left greasy and sticky, finding what they lost, doing their paperwork, reminding them not to be late, etc, etc, etc, with presumably no equal partner there to help out.

TBH, actually, your marriage sounds like a lot of work, OP. Quite literally! :eek:

Have a good think about your feelings, OP, why they are coming about at this point in time, and in what direction you are heading. That's the best advice that I can give, although it is only echoing Kooli's above advice.

bobbytables

Ah come on OP, you said it yourself, life is stressful at the moment for you. In the right set of circumstances the most stupid things will become such a big deal for anyone. Be honest with yourself, what's going on in your life right now outside of your relationship (finances, work, etc) that could be contributing to this. From the list of things you've described, there is little there that is a "real" relationship problem apart from perhaps the lack of communication. How much time do you spend talking about this?, How reluctant is she toward change?. Also you do describe your relationship as more of a parent (you), child (her) type. This is not good and does show signs of a lack of respect.

If that stuff is genuinely the worst of your problems right now, well then sit down with her and let her know, try and reach some compromise. She's an adult, she can choose to be like that and for many that's cool. You can't force her to change, you can just let her know it's an issue for you and if she wants to change grand, if not you have to decide, which is worse for you, staying or being without her. But as I said before, if there is a lot going on in your life, then make sure that you are not blaming her for something else that is probably more difficult to confront. Just like you have issues with some stuff she does, she probably has stuff with you too. Sure you're not perfect.

None of us are.

I am a friend

Ave you been spending a lot of time together of late?

You are probably just short tempered in general these days and because she is the closest to you, she is annoying you the most?

Have you told her what annoys you?

LegacyUser

Kooli wrote: »

You already know that a lot of things on that list are petty, and I imagine that most things on that list are not new - she was probably always like that, so the question is why now? Why has everything started to drive you up the wall recently?
...
So the decision now is, do you want to work on things with her and get things back on track? Or do you want out?
Only you can answer that one honestly.

What you say does make sense but I don't feel I am going off her. I can't imagine being without her and wouldn't want to be, I still want to, very much spend my life with her. As I said, despite this stuff really grating on me, she is one in a million and there is no doubt that I will never meet anyone as special as her, because I have never met anyone else like that. But of course no one's perfect and everyone has their flaws. Extreme Disorganisation, which is really the common thread to most of these things seems to be hers.

Maybe this is me being defensive but I don't think I'm going off her. It's just that I've lost patience. After putting up with the same crap year after year, eventually you get tired of drying all the towels, replacing the keys, etc etc.

She has often come back and told me that her work colleagues ask her how her husband puts up with her because she drives them mental at work. Like she borrowed a colleagues ID card (because of course she has lost hers and every replacement they gave her) and of course lost it within the day. They still love her at work though, because like I said, she's special.

Thing is, when she WANTS to be she CAN do things right. Like anything to do with her family, it's always done on time. Her mother needs something, she will make sure she gets it to her when she needs it. Sometimes it makes me feel like these things just don't seem worth the bother to her and that when it comes to the little things in life, I don't seem like worth the bother to her. Though she does she me in lots of other ways how much I mean to her so it leaves me confused.

Ah come on OP, you said it yourself, life is stressful at the moment for you. In the right set of circumstances the most stupid things will become such a big deal for anyone. Be honest with yourself, what's going on in your life right now outside of your relationship (finances, work, etc) that could be contributing to this. From the list of things you've described, there is little there that is a "real" relationship problem apart from perhaps the lack of communication. How much time do you spend talking about this?, How reluctant is she toward change?. Also you do describe your relationship as more of a parent (you), child (her) type. This is not good and does show signs of a lack of respect.

If that stuff is genuinely the worst of your problems right now, well then sit down with her and let her know, try and reach some compromise. She's an adult, she can choose to be like that and for many that's cool. You can't force her to change, you can just let her know it's an issue for you and if she wants to change grand, if not you have to decide, which is worse for you, staying or being without her. But as I said before, if there is a lot going on in your life, then make sure that you are not blaming her for something else that is probably more difficult to confront. Just like you have issues with some stuff she does, she probably has stuff with you too. Sure you're not perfect.

None of us are.

Maybe. There's work stuff going on right now that is a real pain. She's very supportive though, even offered to support me financially for essentially forever if I want to pursue something else. (How many people would do that these days? Though I don't want to put the burden on her) . I have no doubts about my own flaws. They are there and plenty of them I'm sure. I'm trying to work on them and I'd like to think in some areas I've grown up a bit, though in many I'm just as bad/obdurate as I was. She's a much more patient and tolerant person than me, I think.

Ave you been spending a lot of time together of late?

You are probably just short tempered in general these days and because she is the closest to you, she is annoying you the most?

Have you told her what annoys you?

Personal time together can be hard to come by. Usually an hour or two in the evening though we do make a point of going out almost every weekend to the cinema or for a meal or whatever. And when we do, its always great craic. I love her company, I really do.

I have told her. Like every time I've gotten her a new key. 'Pretty please, don't lose this one.' 'Darling, please don't forget to claim your overtime, you worked damn hard for it.' 'Please wipe your hands before touching the remote. Here's a tissue to use while were eating.' No result. Also, I feel like a banker having to nag her about stupid things and every day I tell myself. I will not correct her tomorrow. And I seriously wonder if I just have control issues that I need counselling for? My mother was extremely controlling (and disorganised), my father is insanely organised. I'd like to think I'm in the middle though my mother seems to think I'm far too soft and my father doesn't rate my organisation in general.

Also, I don't really want to be her father. We do spoil each other, and that's fine.

Also, you don't mention any children, but I would like to add that my advice would be to think really carefully before having a child with your wife, as, frankly, your marriage sounds more like a parent-child relationship than an equal partnership in itself; so you would effectively be adding yet another person to your current list of responsibilities of going after someone else around the house and closing what they left open, cleaning what they left greasy and sticky, finding what they lost, doing their paperwork, reminding them not to be late, etc, etc, etc, with presumably no equal partner there to help out.

TBH, actually, your marriage sounds like a lot of work, OP. Quite literally!

Have a good think about your feelings, OP, why they are coming about at this point in time, and in what direction you are heading. That's the best advice that I can give, although it is only echoing Kooli's above advice.

We were never the tidiest of couple on the planet. I was out of work for a short while a while back and doing all the tidying up most of the time. Truth is that I'm not really picking up after her as much the past few months, so no clean towels when I shower and so on and so forth.

She tries though. We usually 'clean,' on the weekends. TBH the general mess doesn't bother me as much as the little things that take 2 seconds even as an afterthought, and the important things that just don't seem to be a priority for her. Like a general inconsideration for me, at least that's how it feels like.

Lastly, it's not like her disorganization hasn't cost her. It's easily set her back a couple of years in her career at crucial points though she's brilliant and exceptional enough to have recovered from it.

p.s. no kids yet but going to be actively trying soon.

tinkerbell

She sounds incredibly lazy and careless to be honest. You need to have a serious chat about this.

hondasam

me, her or us? wrote: »

Never thought I'd be posting on boards asking for advice or opinions on my relationship, but here I am.

We've been together for over a decade, in our thirties. I love her very much and I know she loves me too but lately every little thing she does has been driving me up the wall. A lot of it is just silly, meaningless stuff and I don't know why I can't simply let go. I mean most people just think this stuff is no big deal and everyone has their little peculiarities.

A few examples

She has never worn a pair of sexy lingerie for me. I've begged her to, even bought it for her once or twice. She always says she will, but then she doesn't. In fact, if she is wearing matching underwear, that's usually a minor miracle.

The list goes on and on of silly, stupid, petty things and I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been under a bit of pressure as well lately and haven't been feeling in the best of form. Is it just me being a control freak? Am I falling out of love with her?

Is there anything she does that does not annoy you ?

From reading this it is obvious you need a break from the marriage, spend some time apart, go out separately etc.

she is still the same woman you fell in love with, seems you have decided to see all her little imperfections now.

Talk to her.

LegacyUser

You have been enabling her behaviour for ten years.

You are minding the things you know she loses, she are cleaning the towels you know she won't clean, you are tidying up after her and so on.

I would say she moved from a relationship with (probably) her parents who did everything for her, into a relationship with you, a person who continued to do everything for her.

As long as you continue to enable her behaviour, she will continue to behave the way she does. You have obviously outgrown the 'carer' mode (as alot of people do) but if you truly love her, you just need to talk to her and change your own behaviour also.

dellas1979

You are complaining about her mess and ye want a baby??? that will really blow your mind then.

I dont think its her habits that are annoying you, its the fact that she doesnt pay attention to the fact that they annoy you.

Have you sat her down and said "this annoys me"?

The towels thing - very easy - wash and dry your own. She wont be long washing towels when she realises she doesnt have any.

Her general lack of organisation is going to get worse because you are doing it for her (or trying to/driving yourself mad). Her being so nice doesnt come into it. How would she get on if she were on her own?

When she looses her keys/phone what ever, let her get up and get a new set.

Her career etc? Well, that isnt really to do with you. If it doesnt bother her enough to do something about it, it shouldnt bother you also.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry OP but your wife is a grown woman who is behaving like a child cos she is allowed to both by you and her work colleagues .
She is NO MORE SPECIAL than anyone else unless of course she has some type of learning difficulty which frankly wont surprise me if what you have written is true - eating with her hands and basically living like a slob .

She appears to have very little respect for you , stop running around after her like her lackey and tell her to cop to f@ck on and grow up

LegacyUser

This entry sounds like something my boyfriend would write about me (if he was annoyed with me).

I know that I have almost all of the above traits, and I know that deep down inside they would normally really annoy my boyfriend as he is none of these things; (unreliable, messy, regularly losing stuff).

BUT, because my boyfriend loves me completely, he is able to overlook all of these negative traits, or he'll simply laugh them off, as I do with his annoying traits..

I do know that after backpacking for several months with my boyfriend spending 24/7 together in tough conditions, many of the above traits did begin to annoy my bf quite a bit.

I would recommend spending a few days apart, and remembering what you miss about each other and why you love this woman.



Be careful about pointing your girlfriend's flaws out to her. You could be knocking her confidence and hurting her deeply.

Don't end your marriage based on the above!

shinikins

'Pretty please, don't lose this one.' 'Darling, please don't forget to claim your overtime, you worked damn hard for it.' 'Please wipe your hands before touching the remote. Here's a tissue to use while were eating.'

Why are you being so nice to her about it? If it were me having to constantly replace keys I would be snapping by now. As in, "If you lose you key again, you can just sit outside and wait for me until I get home, because I'm not getting another one cut for you" and stick to it. PIck up the remote after she's left it a sticky mess and let a roar "christ almighty, that is disgusting!"-embarrass her a bit. You're being too nice, and whether its concious or not, she's taking advantage of that. Your basically babying her, taking care of her all the time, and thats not fair on either of you.

Your not falling out of love with her, your just irritated by her, it can happen to anyone. I find myself picking up after my boyfriend, and it bugs the hell out of me, but there comes a time when I say "no more" In fact, there is currently a pile of his clothes in the middle of the bedroom floor as I'm refusing to put them away. I don't like being the bad guy, and seeing him get annoyed when his work shirts are in a ball of creases, but its not my job to look after him all the time. Don't be afraid to tell her right now, love, you are really irritating me. Your going to spend the rest of your life with this girl so you may as well be clear where you stand now.

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

She sounds incredibly lazy and careless to be honest. You need to have a serious chat about this.

Careless yes. Lazy, no. She's actually really sincere and hard working and maybe I'm telling this in too one-sided a fashion. It's just a priority thing. Some things she just doesn't seem to think matter at all, but they do make a difference to me. I've tried having a serious chat or pointing out stuff, but then I just end up feeling like I'm criticising her when I'm no better than she is. I'm sure if she started pointing out my faults there would be no end to it.

Is there anything she does that does not annoy you ?

From reading this it is obvious you need a break from the marriage, spend some time apart, go out separately etc.

she is still the same woman you fell in love with, seems you have decided to see all her little imperfections now.

Talk to her.

Of course, I'm complaining about the stuff that drives me mental so it looks like there is nothing she can do that won't annoy me. But like I said there are a lot of really wonderful things about her that are incomparable. Though lately, I've been noticing the annoying stuff more which is probably more my problem than hers. Break? No thanks, not interested in the least.

You are complaining about her mess and ye want a baby??? that will really blow your mind then.

I dont think its her habits that are annoying you, its the fact that she doesnt pay attention to the fact that they annoy you.

Have you sat her down and said "this annoys me"?

The towels thing - very easy - wash and dry your own. She wont be long washing towels when she realises she doesnt have any.

Her general lack of organisation is going to get worse because you are doing it for her (or trying to/driving yourself mad). Her being so nice doesnt come into it. How would she get on if she were on her own?

When she looses her keys/phone what ever, let her get up and get a new set.

Her career etc? Well, that isnt really to do with you. If it doesnt bother her enough to do something about it, it shouldnt bother you also.

I have said so, to the point where I feel like a nag. If there is a clean towel, she will use it, then put it on her pile. Unless I put it somewhere out of the way then she might not bother looking for it. But eventually I might leave it on a hook somewhere and it will join the pile.

She doesn't have towels, it seems to not bother her. She has bought a lot of new phones, but it's throwing money down the drain. As for keys, she won't get a new set. Also I'd have to give her mine for a day or whatever for her to get them and I can't take the chance of her loosing them.

As for her career. Maybe it shouldn't bother me, but when things go badly, she gets upset and then I have to console her. And it drives me mental. I told her, don't leave this application till the last day something might go wrong. On the last day, I told her, give yourself a few spare hours, just in case. And she goes to turn it in at 15 minutes to the deadline, discovers there's something not write and doesn't have the time to fix it. That's a year of slogging and slaving thrown away over a stupid piece of paper that she could have done in a couple of hours a few days before. Then she is upset for a month and I'm stuck trying to console her, to tell her that it will be okay, etc. It does bother her, but she doesn't want to do anything about it. Our wedding almost didn't happen because of similar paper work crap.

Why are you being so nice to her about it? If it were me having to constantly replace keys I would be snapping by now. As in, "If you lose you key again, you can just sit outside and wait for me until I get home, because I'm not getting another one cut for you" and stick to it. PIck up the remote after she's left it a sticky mess and let a roar "christ almighty, that is disgusting!"-embarrass her a bit. You're being too nice, and whether its concious or not, she's taking advantage of that. Your basically babying her, taking care of her all the time, and thats not fair on either of you.

I've tried that, no effect. Because I can't leave the house in the morning till she's ready, or I'd lock her in, this results in me being late or having to sprint the whole way to catch my train. I might too, but I wouldn't trust her not to go out the back and leave the back door open for someone to potentially rob. I've given out about her not using a tissue, she just ignores me, or I end up going to far and then she get's upset.

Let's be fair. She takes care of me a lot too, in a lot of ways. So I don't mind taking care of her back. But I just wish she was a bit more considerate in some things.

Your not falling out of love with her, your just irritated by her, it can happen to anyone. I find myself picking up after my boyfriend, and it bugs the hell out of me, but there comes a time when I say "no more" In fact, there is currently a pile of his clothes in the middle of the bedroom floor as I'm refusing to put them away. I don't like being the bad guy, and seeing him get annoyed when his work shirts are in a ball of creases, but its not my job to look after him all the time. Don't be afraid to tell her right now, love, you are really irritating me. Your going to spend the rest of your life with this girl so you may as well be clear where you stand now.

Thank you.

Kooli

me, her or us? wrote: »

What you say does make sense but I don't feel I am going off her. I can't imagine being without her and wouldn't want to be, I still want to, very much spend my life with her. As I said, despite this stuff really grating on me, she is one in a million and there is no doubt that I will never meet anyone as special as her, because I have never met anyone else like that. But of course no one's perfect and everyone has their flaws. Extreme Disorganisation, which is really the common thread to most of these things seems to be hers.

Maybe this is me being defensive but I don't think I'm going off her. It's just that I've lost patience. After putting up with the same crap year after year, eventually you get tired of drying all the towels, replacing the keys, etc etc.

She has often come back and told me that her work colleagues ask her how her husband puts up with her because she drives them mental at work. Like she borrowed a colleagues ID card (because of course she has lost hers and every replacement they gave her) and of course lost it within the day. They still love her at work though, because like I said, she's special.

Thing is, when she WANTS to be she CAN do things right. Like anything to do with her family, it's always done on time. Her mother needs something, she will make sure she gets it to her when she needs it. Sometimes it makes me feel like these things just don't seem worth the bother to her and that when it comes to the little things in life, I don't seem like worth the bother to her. Though she does she me in lots of other ways how much I mean to her so it leaves me confused.



Maybe. There's work stuff going on right now that is a real pain. She's very supportive though, even offered to support me financially for essentially forever if I want to pursue something else. (How many people would do that these days? Though I don't want to put the burden on her) . I have no doubts about my own flaws. They are there and plenty of them I'm sure. I'm trying to work on them and I'd like to think in some areas I've grown up a bit, though in many I'm just as bad/obdurate as I was. She's a much more patient and tolerant person than me, I think.



Personal time together can be hard to come by. Usually an hour or two in the evening though we do make a point of going out almost every weekend to the cinema or for a meal or whatever. And when we do, its always great craic. I love her company, I really do.

I have told her. Like every time I've gotten her a new key. 'Pretty please, don't lose this one.' 'Darling, please don't forget to claim your overtime, you worked damn hard for it.' 'Please wipe your hands before touching the remote. Here's a tissue to use while were eating.' No result. Also, I feel like a banker having to nag her about stupid things and every day I tell myself. I will not correct her tomorrow. And I seriously wonder if I just have control issues that I need counselling for? My mother was extremely controlling (and disorganised), my father is insanely organised. I'd like to think I'm in the middle though my mother seems to think I'm far too soft and my father doesn't rate my organisation in general.

Also, I don't really want to be her father. We do spoil each other, and that's fine.



We were never the tidiest of couple on the planet. I was out of work for a short while a while back and doing all the tidying up most of the time. Truth is that I'm not really picking up after her as much the past few months, so no clean towels when I shower and so on and so forth.

She tries though. We usually 'clean,' on the weekends. TBH the general mess doesn't bother me as much as the little things that take 2 seconds even as an afterthought, and the important things that just don't seem to be a priority for her. Like a general inconsideration for me, at least that's how it feels like.

Lastly, it's not like her disorganization hasn't cost her. It's easily set her back a couple of years in her career at crucial points though she's brilliant and exceptional enough to have recovered from it.

p.s. no kids yet but going to be actively trying soon.

Ah OK fair enough, it can be hugely frustrating if you know that someone CAN do better, but just doesn't bother.

But as other posters have said, you have to take responsibility for your part in this. To venture into american-tv-movie territory you are kind of "enabling" the behaviour by not challenging it. And these subtle, gentle messages do NOT count as challenging it - they just leave you feeling frustrated.

I think your only option it to be really clear and direct about this (but not mean, of course). Make it unequivocally clear how important it is to you that she pull her weight and do X, Y, Z. That's for the things that are to do with your relationship (e.g. being late, not looking after finances, household chores). But you also have to pick your battles, and maybe not be over-critical about the other stuff (e.g. sticky fingers - I'm sure if that were the only gripe, without the build-up of resentment for the other stuff, you'd be able to slag her about it or let it go, it wouldn't be such a big deal).

Good luck! Glad to hear your heart is still very much in it!

booboo88

Last night I was cranky and she came home quite late and I couldn't control myself. I was just whinging non-stop about all the stupid nonsense and she asked me if I was beginning to hate her or something. I, we need to do something one way or another or things aren't going to end well.

This really stuck out for me, aside from bad habits, that with hard work can be fixed. this is clearly affecting her aswell.
some of the things that bother you, really are trivial. But instead of poting on boards would it not be an idea to talk to your wife?

Reesy

Hi OP,

My idea is that you try to address some some of the individual issues here as well as the overall issue of respect.

First, pick one of the issues and plan a compromise. Discuss it with her and get her feedback. Agree the new rule. For example:
- Pick one towel, make it clear that she can have every towel in the house bar this one, and hang it somewhere different. If she uses it & leaves it elsewhere, wet, explain to her (calmly) that this is important & that she must leave you this one towel.

I don't know whether you should sit her down & explain all the issues, or just the one - sorry.

You must stick to these rules if you agree them. You need to be happy that if she abides by it, you will consider the towel issue closed.

Be aware that you need to differentiate, mentally, between getting her to behave as you would, and finding a compromise that works. Put the annoyance aside.

Personally I think she's treating you with little respect, but on the other hand I think you've both got yourselves in this position where you're letting her away with it.

If she won't take you seriously, you are in trouble IMHO, so do what is necessary to make her understand this is important. Get her commitment to changing just one behaviour, and don't let her (or yourself) away with it. It will be difficult for her, recognise that. If she does change that one behaviour, reward her.

What you're doing here is picking one issue, and using it to get her to change her thinking. I honestly don't know if it will work with your little princess, but good luck.

And finally, consider showing her this thread, if you think it will help shock her into taking your request seriously.

Sorry for the jumbled-up post.

inexperienced

her forgetfulness is a bit annoying seriously. i would be tired if i were you.

i was just reading an article about adult ADHD. do you think your wife has got very mild ADHD sometime like that? i know it may be irrelevant, but maybe it's another way of thinking.

cheers

I am a friend

booboo88 wrote: »

This really stuck out for me, aside from bad habits, that with hard work can be fixed. this is clearly affecting her aswell.

Exactly! She obviously doesnt really know whats up so maybe OP you have not been clear enough. Its time to pull off the plaster and talk to her...

Taltos

OP - sounds like you are at one of those crunch times.
You have some options

1. Say nothing - and while this might work for a while eventually it will consume you and you will lash out in other ways... Possible eventual marriage ending.

2. Lay it all out.
Be clear - it is NOT that she has changed - it is that you need her help and understanding as for whatever reason you can no longer cope with this situation.

To be frank going around picking up and minding someone all day every day is exhausting. Maybe she just does not see this - so tell her.

Remember - reinforce it is not that you don't love her or love her any less it is just that now for whatever reason you just cannot cope and are just finding it all too exhausting.

Who knows - you play this right and your marriage may improve - through better and more open communication.

Be prepared though - she has not changed so you have to be honest with yourself why now??? And also - what if she does NOT change???

Miss Fluff

I am extremely scatter-brained and extremely untidy and forgetful. And if there is someone there who you know will act as a "cushion" every time keys are lost or will pick up after you there is no real incentive to be anything but careless. You are actually facilitating her behaviour/habits. Why would she have any compulsion to really mind her keys when you know that every few weeks she loses them you will be waiting at home for her with a new set cut?

STOP BABYING HER. If she can do things for her family seamlessly and efficiently then that means she is able to do them full stop. You need to be very clear with her and tell her enough is enough (it doesn't mean you love her any less) but that you are beginning to feel like a skivvy or that it is becoming an unhealthy parent/child type relationship.

If she is untidy and heedless that is not something she can fundamentally change. She can however have a bit more consideration. One simple example would be to have seperate towels for example. If she wants to keep hers in a damp disgusting mouldy dung-heap in her room then that's her business. You'll have your own and won't have to see it etc etc

You need to talk to her about this, it's not going to get better on it's own. In fact, I'd be inclined to show her this thread. It's obvious you love her but the thread sets out the facts and maybe her seeing the factual evidence in black and white is the best way to start improving things.

LegacyUser

I'd agree with Miss Fluff here. You have to stop the Mammy mode you are in. I had similar problems with my boyfriend. The only way I got through to him was to stop my enabling behaviour. The penny dropped after a couple of weeks washing on the bathroom floor, no clothes for work, no cutlery in the drawer as it was scattered all over the house. I could go on. He figured it out eventually thankfully (he had to buy new clothes to go to work one morning).

The main problem is, I think, your wife never has to suffer any consequences.
How is she going to learn? If she has no towels/is late for work/misses a deadline/loses keys and phones etc etc, she should suffer the consequences for these mistakes.

Look after yourself for the next couple of weeks, she's an adult, she can fend for herself.

Neyite

Its quite telling that she is reliable and dependable for her family, yet you are now her family too, being married, yet she cant extend that courtesy to you.

For you not being able to leave the house first in case she forgets to lock the door?? She is not 4. Change the locks to one that locks when the door is pulled closed. (I am assuming you have one where you need to push the handle up and turn the key) Put a post it on the inside of the front door as a reminder to do the checks. (I had one to remember my lunch as I kept making it up yet would forget it) Write something like:
All lights out?
Iron off?
Keys?
Work Swipe Card?...
Then have a nice day sweetie!

I never forget my lunch now. That post-it does the trick lovely.

With regard to eating with her hands? Does she do this when you eat out? Was she like this at your wedding? Again, I imagine that she was not wiping her hands on her nice dress on the day.

Neyite

Op, another thought and maybe this approach would spur her into changing her ways is to say that as things stand, you dont think that you as a couple are ready for a child.

Children need routine, and need a parent to be hyper organised, with everything babies need to hand in an organised fashion. My sister has a routine that would put a military strategy to shame when planning an outing with her babies.

What if she is out and has forgotten to bring the bottles and baby needs a feed? or if they are locked out and its raining, and baby is getting soaked? Maybe she would even forget the baby somewhere! To bring a child into this would ensure chaos is likely, and if you refuse, then it might hurt her to hear this, but it might shake her up into improving her forgetfulness in preparation for a family.

I changed an awful lot of bad habits when I started getting broody, I improved my diet, exercise, and even quit the fags. It might be the incentive she needs.