Would this make you jealous?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I've been seeing a guy for afew months now and all is going well. I don't see him as much as I'd like as we're both busy but no problems. Thing is, this guy is 10 years older than me in his early 40s. I have problems with jealousy and I always have, which come down to self-esteem issues and he doesn't at all. I don't even like him talking to pretty girls (although I don't stop it or say anything) but he likes the idea that I'm popular among men. Last night he sent me a text after meeting up with a Danish friend and her friends (he invited me but I had to get up early today) at about 2.30 am saying, " Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect you so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like you...a lot and can't get you out of my mind". I know he didn't send this to make me jealous as h'es not that kind of guy and I honestly believe it's because he can't believe he still attracts women (he told me it's good to know he still "has it") but I'm raging with jealousy here. Something along these lines has happened already...he wanted my opinion on whether I thought a girl was chatting him up or not. What do you think? Do I have a right to be jealous or am I irrational? Why give me the gory details?? It seems strange (again, I know he's not playing any game here).

seenitall

Jealous101 wrote: »

It seems strange (again, I know he's not playing any game here).

That's exactly what he is doing, though. OP. Playing games AKA messing with your head. He sounds like an egomaniac who needs to get his validation/ego-boost out of:

a) having a girl "chat him up" :rolleyes:

b) baiting you and stoking your insecurities by informing you of the point a), in the middle of the night if it need be.

The guy is baaaaad news, OP. I'm sorry but this can only deteriorate further if you stay with him. You'll see for yourself soon enough.

EDIT: Oh, and it doesn't seem to me that you are the one with the problem here, no. Unless we're talking about your most recent choice of boyfriend.

Best wishes for the future.

baby and crumble

TBH, OP, i think i know where your boyfriend is coming from.

I too, find it really hard to believe someone could fancy me, and tbh if someone came onto me like that, i'd be texting my GF if she wasn't there too, moreso to just tell someone, and I tell her everything. It sounds like he's pretty insecure, like me, and disbelieving that someone could fancy him. He probably doesn't even believe you fancy him.

Of course, he could be doing exactly the opposite, and telling you for other reasons, but somehow I don't think so. I doubt he's playing with your mind here, I reckon he's actually try to make you feel a little better, about telling you out straight that someone was flirting, and that he respects you and loves you. What would have happened if a mutual friend had seen this flirting going on, and told you about the Damish girl? You'd have flipped, right? This way maybe he's respecting your jealous streak and letting you know nothing happened.

So in short, I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but either way you should talk to him. Let him know that it bugs you that he tells you all this stuff, that it feels like hes just doing it to mess with your head. He probably doesnt even know it's effecting you

squonk

OP isn't being unreasonable. If you're a guy/girl and are out on your own you might get some attention but it's a fact of life. You don't act on the attention and get off with someone else behind your OH's back. He isn't doing that but you don't equally go 'Oh great! this is fantastic! I think I'll let my OH know how I could have shagged some Danish bird but didn't because I'm committed to my relationship'. Get a grip! The guy sounds a bit needy to be honest.

What struck me is that it's like something you'd tell your friends. "I could have shagged a Danish bird no hassle tonight, couldn't do it though because I like the lady I have". Maybe it's me but it doesn't sound like the type of thing you'd actually come out with to your OH. Of course they're going to feel a bit jealous. I know it depends on the people and the dynamic in the relationship but it would strike me as being a bit cruel in the first instance. Especially so if he's aware of his OH's jealousy issues.

He sounds a bit selfish and a bit of an attention seeker to be honest. I'd be telling him to sto carrying on like that or emphasise that he'd be free to shag any Danish bird he'd like because as far as you'll be concerned, he'll be history.

Honestly, he sounds more like a 15 year old than a 40 year old man!

reprazant

I doubt he did it to make you jealous. In fact, he probably did it to show you he cares for you, though it was probably a stupid thing to do.

Have you told him about your own insecurities and how you get jealous of him even talking to pretty girls? While he sounds very immature, you sound like you need to sort out your own issues as well.

I am a friend

My God, he is very crude and arrogant… It does sound like he is interested in messing with your head. Someone did the same thing to me before and it put my right off him cos as it came across so pathetic… If he is so interested in you, why would he be getting a kick out of someone fancying him and more importantly why would he need to tell you????

I used to live with Scandinavian girls, and obviously while all are not the same, all of those I met (at that time) were happy to hang out of guys so they would buy them drinks…. I would think he is a big misguided….

I am a friend

reprazant wrote: »

he probably did it to show you he cares for you

That to me is 'I only hit you because i love you' logic......

Beruthiel

Jealous101 wrote: »

Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect you so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like you...a lot and can't get you out of my mind". I know he didn't send this to make me jealous as h'es not that kind of guy

Are you sure?
I mean, if my b/f sent me something like that on a night he was out without me, I'd be wondering what the hell expected my reply to be.
I would certainly pull him up on it. I would point out the fact that he was trying to get some sort of reaction out of me. I would ask him what reaction did he expect.
You're not made of stone after all.

LegacyUser

An update: So the plot the thickens. I confronted him by text today (he's at work and can't talk by phone). The message he sent me last night actually read :

" Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect (Jealous101) so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like (Jealous101)...a lot and can't get her out of my mind" but I presumed the text was for me, so I changed my name to "you" for the purpose of the original post. Turns out the text wasn't for me but for his friend hence sending it in the middle of the night. He told me he sent it to me by accident as he was thinking of me....

This guy is definitely not an egomaniac and not at all arrogant (although if the text was intended for me, then maybe yes). What do you guys think? I'm still jealous he got himself in that situation in the first place although she might have been the one doing the chatting up. I guess it's the "Duuuude, I coould've been with a DANISH girl last night but..." that bugs me.

Am I being unreasonable?

booboo88

He's messing with your head. An ex of mine did that, he went out with his old mate and delightfully came back at 3 in the morning to tell me about 3 girls chatting him up?
after a couple of months i think hes testing your reaction. and if he had a chance "to shag a danish girl" clearly he was flirting with her.

reprazant

I am a friend wrote: »

That to me is 'I only hit you because i love you' logic......

I meant to show her in his own messed up way in that he could have had this that or the other but didn't because he cares for her. Immature, teenager-eque type games.

Comparing that to domestic violence is dramatic to the extreme.

seenitall

Jealous101 wrote: »

An update: So the plot the thickens. I confronted him by text today (he's at work and can't talk by phone). The message he sent me last night actually read :

" Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect (Jealous101) so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like (Jealous101)...a lot and can't get her out of my mind" but I presumed the text was for me, so I changed my name to "you" for the purpose of the original post. Turns out the text wasn't for me but for his friend hence sending it in the middle of the night. He told me he sent it to me by accident as he was thinking of me....

This guy is definitely not an egomaniac and not at all arrogant (although if the text was intended for me, then maybe yes). What do you guys think? I'm still jealous he got himself in that situation in the first place although she might have been the one doing the chatting up. I guess it's the "Duuuude, I coould've been with a DANISH girl last night but..." that bugs me.

Am I being unreasonable?

Wow, that's quite a pronominal mix-up that happened there, OP! Who woulda thought..?

In that case, everything changes and yes, you are being unreasonable. A mature man of 40-something should definitely be able to brag about a missed opportunity with a Danish chick to his friend in the middle of the night, it is perfectly reasonable, and you should try to rein in your jealousy issues for sure. Or you'll just drive him away.

2 texts to the wrong number?

Miss Fluff

I'm not sure what kind of mind games he's indulging in here but two texts to the "wrong" number in the middle of the night? Are you sure nothing happened? I'd be asking questions tbh.

I am a friend

How did one text, that was also sent in the middle of the night, only come in now....?

He is covering his tracks IMHO.

reprazant

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I'm not sure what kind of mind games he's indulging in here but two texts to the "wrong" number in the middle of the night? Are you sure nothing happened? I'd be asking questions tbh.

Not sure about the mind games.

It looks to me that he realised that he sent the first one to the wrong number and then attempted to 'fix' things with the second text.

LegacyUser

reprazant wrote: »

Not sure about the mind games.

It looks to me that he realised that he sent the first one to the wrong number and then attempted to 'fix' things with the second text.

I think this might be it. It was sent almost immediately after. The chances of him sending it to the same number twice is highly unlikely. FFS. Sounds like he was boasting to his friend but because he has "respect" for me he didn't. Oh man. I can't believe it. I really liked him.

Emme

Jealous101 wrote: »

" Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect (Jealous101) so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like (Jealous101)...a lot and can't get her out of my mind" but I presumed the text was for me, so I changed my name to "you" for the purpose of the original post. Turns out the text wasn't for me but for his friend hence sending it in the middle of the night. He told me he sent it to me by accident as he was thinking of me....

I guess it's the "Duuuude, I coould've been with a DANISH girl last night but..." that bugs me. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes and no. Yes if he genuinely sent the text in error and he hasn't behaved like this before, and no if he has behaved like this before regardless of who the text was meant for. He sent you two texts in error, that strikes me as a bit strange. If it was only one text I'd be more inclined to believe it was meant for his friend and he genuinely sent it in error. But two texts sent to you in error? That's a bit suss

OP, maybe let it go this time but if he makes a habit of these mind games you'd might be better off with somebody else.

Distorted

I am a friend wrote: »

I used to live with Scandinavian girls, and obviously while all are not the same, all of those I met (at that time) were happy to hang out of guys so they would buy them drinks…. I would think he is a big misguided….

Added to this, if they are anything like Dutch girls, he is in cloud cukoo land, because while they might flirt and talk with a guy all night, and let him buy them drinks, they are quite likely at the end of the evening simply to walk off saying they have to meet their boyfriend or get home for a sleep. Contrary to male fantasy, they don't tend to jump into bed with men just after meeting them.

All I can say OP is that a man making those sort of comments, whether to a friend or to me, wouldn't be to my taste. From the choice of words to the implication that if he was single and got the chance, he wouldn't be fussy about a ONS, to even the fact that he was up til 2.30am on a "school night" flirting and texting.

btw I think it is your boyfriend that is insecure, probably because he is going out with a much younger woman. I would think you have a lot more power in this relationship than you think...

I'd also be wondering that, since he is so immature at the age of 40 and still unattached, he isn't really the type to commit anyway.

booboo88

Jealous101 wrote: »

An update: So the plot the thickens. I confronted him by text today (he's at work and can't talk by phone). The message he sent me last night actually read :

" Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect (Jealous101) so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like (Jealous101)...a lot and can't get her out of my mind" but I presumed the text was for me, so I changed my name to "you" for the purpose of the original post. Turns out the text wasn't for me but for his friend hence sending it in the middle of the night. He told me he sent it to me by accident as he was thinking of me....

This guy is definitely not an egomaniac and not at all arrogant (although if the text was intended for me, then maybe yes). What do you guys think? I'm still jealous he got himself in that situation in the first place although she might have been the one doing the chatting up. I guess it's the "Duuuude, I coould've been with a DANISH girl last night but..." that bugs me.

Am I being unreasonable?

Both texts to wrong number?
Now I have often sent a fewwrong texts, over time...not in one night...or blank texts on my old phone.
but seriously??????

This guy is definitely not an egomaniac and not at all arrogant (although if the text was intended for me, then maybe yes)

miec

Hi Op

Id have to concur with the other posters, also as an aside I often wonder at the need of some people in relationships having the need to declare all to their other half. I was with my ex for over two years and to this day, we are broke up a year, I have never told him that two men asked me out in random ways, I was tempted because he should little interest in me but I knew it would hurt him if I did and I told both men I was attached so I wonder why he needed to tell you, I can understand how you feel in this

Katgurl

It sounds like straightforward immaturity to me. He should have just fessed up that he sent you first message by accident and apologised for carrying on like a schoolboy.

If all else is well though I'd let it go. And try put your jealousy aside, it's pointless and destructive - your man is attractive, others will see that.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

It sounds like straightforward immaturity to me. He should have just fessed up that he sent you first message by accident and apologised for carrying on like a schoolboy.

If all else is well though I'd let it go. And try put your jealousy aside, it's pointless and destructive - your man is attractive, others will see that.

We sorted it out last night after much drama. The first text was intended for his friend and he admitted that he just wanted to show off and that it immature, he was drunk and as he's so used to texting me, he sent it to me instead. It was out of character for him. The second text sent soon after was to make amends. Because I didn't respond immediately, he thought it was okay. He wasn't playing any kind of game. He's really not like that at all. I suppose you'd have to know him to believe me. Anyway, he apologised and we both agreed that this was both our problem....mine for going to the extreme with rage (I deleted him from Facebook...that'll learn him!) telling him he was a boy in the midst of a middle-aged crisis and basically dumping him through text and not talking to him first before getting angry and him for not telling me that the text weren't meant for me immediately after. I know a lot of this has to come down to my own jealousy. He's a very attractive man and very nice and people are drawn to him. I fancied him immediately and I suppose I know that many women will feel the same. I suppose the text proves I can trust him? He's given me no other reason not to. Thanks for the advice, people.

Kevin Duffy

Jealous101 wrote: »

" Wow, I believe that I could have had a shag with a Danish girl tonight but I respect (Jealous101) so no"....two minutes later this was followed by, "I like (Jealous101)...a lot and can't get her out of my mind" but I presumed the text was for me, so I changed my name to "you" for the purpose of the original post. Turns out the text wasn't for me but for his friend hence sending it in the middle of the night. He told me he sent it to me by accident as he was thinking of me....

The best I could say about this is that the first one was insecure, immature game-playing and the second was an pathetic attempt to put a gloss on it, like you were a fool who'd just think "aw, he really likes me and is pursued by other women, I better stay on my toes and do something to keep him".
Tell yourself all you lke he's not egotistical, but this behaviour says otherwise. It's that impossible to deal with mix of large ego and fragile self-esteem.

I am a friend

Jealous101 wrote: »

We sorted it out last night after much drama. The first text was intended for his friend and he admitted that he just wanted to show off and that it immature, he was drunk and as he's so used to texting me, he sent it to me instead. It was out of character for him. The second text sent soon after was to make amends.

But he was still lying to you cos he told you he sent the second one to his friend as well where in reality he sent it to you to cover his tracks???

Sounds like you are making excuses for him tbh...