My Dad

LegacyUser

I don’t even know how to describe this so I’m just going to write and hope it comes out coherently..... In short, my dad is a very controlling person.

Everything has to be done his way e.g. housework or he gets angry and starts calling names. He always calls my mum fat, jokes about it, slags her for being a housewife etc. He’s made remarks about my weight in the recent past too. I have gained a bit of weight due to the contraception I am on, and am aware of it and working on it. He’s always making sly digs at people, putting them down. For him, education and career is paramount (and not denying they’re both extremely important, just the extent to which he views them). I’ve just finished my college degree with a 2.1, all A’s and B’s in my final exams. And when I walked in the door that night, all I got was stony stare from him and the statement that he wasn’t happy, that he was disappointed I hadn’t gotten a 1.1. When he asked if I was happy, I replied “Yes, I am” and just received a smirk, as though I know nothing. To be honest his words don’t effect me, at least anymore. I know I haven’t “****ed up my life” (his words exactly, numerous times) because I ONLY managed a 2.1 in college.

I’ve decided that I want to go travelling. I’ve never lived away from home, I need to get out of here. But of course, this is a problem for him. I’ve been working part-time in retail for the last 3 years (20-25 hours a week while doing my degree btw), and my job’s pretty secure. He doesn’t want me to leave it. Now, I’m not stupid. I know it’s risky in this climate to leave any job. But I’m not spending the next year or two working in a supermarket before I do my masters, not experiencing anything new and doing the same old thing I’ve been doing for the last three years, except minus college. My mind’s made up that I’m going away and I’m researching it extensively at the moment. Oh but of course again, I’m wrong. All I keep hearing is that I should be making steps towards my career. I know this is extremely important! But I have things I want to do before my Masters. This is my life, and while I appreciate input from my dad and accept that he has life experience that I do not have yet, I feel he should support me rather than knocking me down at every turn. I want to be able to talk to my dad about things, get his input, because obviously I’m scared! For the first time I’m out in the “real world” not school, or college. I am a bit lost at the moment, and I’m trying to work it out. But all I get is confusion and put downs from my dad!

What’s prompted me to write this tonight, is that his put downs have now extended to my boyfriend. He dropped out of college a few years ago because he did not like the course. I think that decision shows a lot of courage. Of course, my dad thinks differently. That he’s a waster basically. My boyfriend has never claimed the dole, and has been working since he dropped out of college in the family business. He applied to colleges again this year, in the UK because the course he wants isn’t really available over here. He missed out on his first choices but got offered a place in one of the colleges he applied to on the off chance, which he had decided to take originally. I felt that he wasn’t fully happy with the decision but didn’t say anything because it was hard enough for both of us deciding to go long distance (with him in the UK, and me travelling). However, after much thought and discussion with his mother, who fully supports his decision, he’s decided that he does not want to go to the new college and is going to travel with me instead.

Ohhhh but of course my dad isn’t happy with this, even though tbh it’s not really his business what my boyfriend decides to do. My dad walked into my room tonight saying that my mother had informed him of my boyfriend’s decision, and goes on a rant of “what is he going to do with his life” etc. And, like he does with my mother, starts insulting his weight saying that he’s just “sitting around on his fat arse” etc (my boyfriend does have weight issues due to a leg injury he sustained in his teens which made him stop all the sports he had been active in, but is working on it atm). I calmly said to him that it does not concern him what my boyfriend decides to do. To which I was met with a response of “it does if they’re the people you’re associating with”.

I’m at a loss here. I know the advice always given here is to move out, and trust me once I’ve saved the money I will. I suppose I mainly wrote this as an outlet, because it was all built up inside me. If anyone does have any advice I’d appreciate it but if not, thanks for reading.

Doogieboogie

Move out. Pronto. Go travelling, work at whatever job you wish, go out with whatever boy you wish. You will not change his behaviour - my Dad is the very same. I couldn't have a rational, balanced conversation with him until after I got married, and even now he still tries to domineer - now, of course, I don't pay any heed.

Live your life the way you want to, OP. Be careful not to fall into the trap of doing things just because they are the opposite of what he wants, but it is your life - you only get one. You'll only be in your early 20's once, so enjoy them.

My sympathies, I know how bloody frustrating it is to have to live with someone that tries to treat you like an imbecile.

Oh, and congratulations on your degree results, and every best wish with your Masters x

Edited to add - I've just read your last line properly, didn't mean to sound flippant about moving out. While you are saving money or organising travelling, try not to be around him, or at the very least, try not to argue back - that's what he wants. If he enters your room to have a rant, leave. Say nothing. (I reckon if you try the tack of asking him to respect your privacy he'll go off on one about how its his house, etc - am I right?!) Remain calm, don't get riled by what he's saying. It's horrible that he's insulting you, your mother and your boyfriend about their weight, and the more I type, the more he reminds me of my own Dad, right down to the education thing. I know with my Dad, it was borne of insecurities about himself - he himself wasn't educated and spent years in menial jobs, so he would rant on and on about getting an education - with the result that we all rebelled, didn't go to college until later years. As I've said, you won't change him or his behaviour. We all know that the best way to encourage someone is to be supportive, full of praise, but he obviously missed that class! It sounds very much to me that he's harbouring resentment - perhaps he feels that he was trapped into marraige and kids, perhaps he resents that youhave the option of going travelling - perhaps it's none of the above, and he's just bad at communicating. Either way, it's not your fault nor your problem to fix. You live your life for you. You are an adult now, you don't have to inform him of your decisions. Plan your travelling, and just go. and have a ball while you're doing it.

Beruthiel

frustrateddaughter wrote: »

I’m at a loss here. I know the advice always given here is to move out, and trust me once I’ve saved the money I will.

Do it. ASAP. Go travelling. Find a job in another country. Find a way to become self reliant.

No offence OP, but your Da is a Grade A Dickhead.
What's more, your mother allows him to treat her in the most appalling way.
No woman with a shred of self respect would allow anyone to say the stuff he does to her.
Clearly he is a bully and you need to be away from him living your own life.
While you depend on him, you cannot tell him what an asshole he is.
And somebody sure needs to point that out to him!

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for both of your replies. You both hit the nail on the head, wording it better than I probably did!

I know that he treats my mother appallingly, and I've repeatedly gotten frustrated with her at letting him treat her this way. I love my mum to bits, and one of the things I worry about is leaving her with him even though my younger brother is still here. But I fully recognise that it's her choice to stay with him, they have been close to divorce a few times through my childhood but it never happened. I can't stay around just for her, despite how much I love her.

@Doogieboogie, you've hit the nail on the head about his insecurities. He's in a job he hates, constantly says how he's given up everything in his own life for my brother and I. When he's brought this up I've thanked him for the sacrifices he made, but also reminded him that we never actually asked him to do it i.e. it's not our fault. (My brother and I were adopted actually, so it's not as though we were unplanned children that trapped him) He's of the opinion that his life is now "over" despite him not even being sixty yet. I know he's an unhappy man...which makes it difficult to be angry with him. He does care a lot about us and wants the best for and from us as can be seen from the education thing. He's just very set in his ways and beliefs of how life should be - college, job, career etc., with no room for enjoyment (even though he did travel and work in America when he was younger) He never spends his weekends enjoying himself, always working on the house or something. I constantly get comments about how I "go out and have fun with my friends" as though it's the worst thing in the world. His verbal abuse is absolutely not acceptable, and is the thing that stands in the way of me having true sympathy for him. The truth is that he never got ahead in his job because of his attitude towards other people.

@Beruthiel. You're right, he is a bully. It's so frustrating to talk to him, because when you calmly tell him to stop the comments etc., he just continues, he has to have the last word. Instead of arguing now, which shows I care, I now just calmly walk out of the room. I will not listen to, or take on board, comments about me made in a negative way. Constructive criticism and advice I will listen to, but not insults.

up for anything

Beruthiel wrote: »

No woman with a shred of self respect would allow anyone to say the stuff he does to her.

That's a bit harsh. Most women who end up in that position don't intend to. It is a drip drip effect and the man has probably been brainwashing her gradually over the years. He has eroded her self-respect and gumption and even once you realise it's gone, if you ever do, it's very difficult to regain. Sometimes because of a huge lack of confidence the woman doesn't know how to regain it and worries that other people around her feel the same way her partner does and that if she tries to bite back that she will be facing down not just the one person but more who regard her in the same light.

OP, have you ever spoken to your mother about the way your father speaks to you both? If you haven't it might well be worth your while to try and maybe with mutual support you can both deal with your bullying father and make your home life into a happier situation. Otherwise the only thing you can do is get out of there as soon as you can save or begin travelling. Unfortunately for some people like your father they can never see the person they are and are in permanent denial of their nastiness justifying it under the guise of if no one else will tell her I have to. :mad:

fkiely

Whilst moving out may be a massive step for you at the present time OP, it’s certainly something you should be working towards. I take it that you’re in your early twenties and relatively financially independent, in which case your father has very little, if any, say in what you do. I’m aware that talk is cheap in these instances and there’s probably deeper issues at source that may be prohibiting you at the moment. Personally if I was in your current situation I’d let my parents know that I was planning on taking a year out with your boyfriend and just go ahead and do it. Trust me, from what you’ve told us, what your relationship with your father drastically needs is a bit of space. Go travelling for the year. Nobody can stop you and it could well turn out to be the best thing you’ve ever done.

Doogieboogie

up for anything wrote: »

That's a bit harsh. Most women who end up in that position don't intend to. It is a drip drip effect and the man has probably been brainwashing her gradually over the years. He has eroded her self-respect and gumption and even once you realise it's gone, if you ever do, it's very difficult to regain. Sometimes because of a huge lack of confidence the woman doesn't know how to regain it and worries that other people around her feel the same way her partner does and that if she tries to bite back that she will be facing down not just the one person but more who regard her in the same light.

OP, have you ever spoken to your mother about the way your father speaks to you both? If you haven't it might well be worth your while to try and maybe with mutual support you can both deal with your bullying father and make your home life into a happier situation. Otherwise the only thing you can do is get out of there as soon as you can save or begin travelling. Unfortunately for some people like your father they can never see the person they are and are in permanent denial of their nastiness justifying it under the guise of if no one else will tell her I have to. :mad:

+1 for that - my mother (a gentle soul) has had her confidence and self respect shredded from years of my dad's carry on. They've now separated, but she has social phobias, zero confidence in her abilities or intelligence, and won't try anything new for fear of failure. She think the fact that she now lives alone is somehow her fault.

As for tackling your father - if you think it'll help, then I would recommend it, but if you think your mother will back down, then I would say leave it - you'll be the scapegoat. I have tried this, many times, and I've always ended up standing alone. No fun! I think that you should focus on your plan of travelling and moving out - leave him to his bile.

I want to add as well, that although my Dad has his issues, and we clashed like mad, I do love him and he loves me - but we could never live under the same roof again.

Catari Jaguar

My Dad was (is) like that. All about the power trips and controlling and put downs. I don't knoe if it's genuinely mean or if it's that he views us kids as an extension of him and lives vicariously through us. If we fail, he was a failure. Everything has to be so perfect - he never tries because he can't bear to fail. I pity him.

After a massive fight, I was kicked out. I left and never moved home again. I always thought I couldn't survive in the real world like he always said, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Every bit less judgemental, less cranky, more open minded, more confident and more independent I get, the less like him I am and I feel ridiculously proud. I used to fear everything and worry, now I just think "what's the worst that could happen?" and just relax and think positiviely.

He'd insult my boyfriend too, my boyf had Crohn's disease and my Dad was telling me to dump him and what could he offer me, and can he mind me and where is our relationship going blah blah blah.

He was what was wrong with my esteem. Nothing was ever good enough. Now I know better. Just don't listen to it. Rise above it and let it roll off you or say "Sorry, we can't all be as perfect as you"

Please, for your own sanity, you have to cut him loose and get out on your own asap.

Good luck xx

tawnyowl

Your Dad is bullying you, your mother and boyfriend. He's not even happy with you getting a 2.1 - he should be congratulating you. Well done for getting an excellent result in your degree!

Clearly you take your education seriously, but he doesn't appreciate that.

You should be making long-term plans to be independent of him. You've seen what he's done to your mother, don't let him do that to you and your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, you've no idea how much happier you've made me feel. I do talk to my boyfriend and one close friend about it but it's very hard to get actual words out and being able to type here has made me see it all much clearer. And thank you for the congratulations on the degree...my dad said last year that if I got a 2.1 he wouldn't come to my graduation, let's see if he sticks to that.

cherub rock wrote: »

Every bit less judgemental, less cranky, more open minded, more confident and more independent I get, the less like him I am and I feel ridiculously proud.

This. At home, I'm a different person. I'm more short tempered, cranky, moody etc. because I constantly feel defensive. I know that this is not the real me because in every other situation I'm relaxed, cheerful and generally a happy person.

Talked with my boyfriend tonight about saving money, about how quickly we could get out there travelling etc. so making a start on that. I don't really spend much time at home anyway and when I am at home it's mainly during the day when my dad's at work as thankfully I work evenings and weekends mostly. Can't wait to get of here. Thank you all for your responses

Doogieboogie

Today particularly, on the eve of Father's day, it's very difficult to see you say what you've said about your dad and your degree results. It's actually made me quite upset. How a dad could say that to his hard working, intelligent daughter is beyond me - my dad has his issues but he would NEVER say that to me. A 2.1 is a great result, and you shoud be very proud, especially since you worked towards it in an atmosphere of ridicule and being constantly put down. A big, big congrats to you - bring your mum and your boyfriend to your graduation, don't even extend him an invitation (most colleges only give two tickets anyway) I'm so upset and angry for you!

carlybabe1

do you think it would be worth recording him op, and playing it back to him? i doubt he realises hes as bad as he is. it might shake him up enough to try and change it, good luck on your travels;)