Girlfriend secretive about her first love

LegacyUser

My girlfriend and I have been arguing about something which I'd like to share and get your opinions on.

In a discussion recently, I asked about her previous boyfriends (we had already talked about my previous girlfriends). She gave me a list of guys, but I realised that she had left out the first guy that she was with. I pointed this out to her, and she replied that she couldn't and wouldn't tell me anything about this individual.

This raised alarm bells for me. At first I imagined that it was because she was still hung up on him, but she assured me that this was not the case. Then I thought that it might be someone I know, but she wouldn't give me any more information. I began to freak out and think that it might be one of my close friends or someone I work with. Eventually, she told me that it wasn't somebody like that and that she didn't think I would be humiliated when I found out, or that I would be shocked and dump her when I knew who it was.

Am I over-reacting to still think that this is a big deal? She says that if we were engaged to be married, she might tell me who it was. Otherwise. she says she will never tell me and never give any information about him whatsoever. I prefer to think about the future than the past, but this person mattered a lot to her and the mystery surrounding it is driving me crazy.

sbsquarepants

That's really unusual behaviour and to be honest, it would drive me insane! I know the past is the past and all that but to build it up to some big mystery and leave you imagining all sorts is just not on if you ask me. If she thinks you won't be shocked and it wouldn't be cause to break up then why the big mystery?
Something just doesn't add up for me i'm afraid, i wouldn't be happy with something like that!

Joey the lips

Her past is her past. I dont see why it matters to you now and her future.

There could be 101 reasons why she does not want to tell you then again she might not want to tell you because you are pushing her.

If it really matters to you break up with her now. I think its a small issue being made big. Then again many rows in relationships start as small issues...

LegacyUser

Was he married?

Sanjuro

plshlpthnks wrote: »

Am I over-reacting to still think that this is a big deal?

Yes. Everybody has a past. Everybody (well, almost everybody) has exes. If you allow yourself to get hung up on this, it's going to eat away at you and make you incredibly paranoid. If your girlfriend doesn't want to talk about this guy, it could be for any amount of reasons. But it's her reason. And forcing the issue will drive a wedge between you.

Just remember, this guy is an ex. And he's an ex for a reason. He's in the past. You say you don't want to look back, but prefer to look forward... then do so. She's your girlfriend now, and she wants to be with you. That's all that matters.

minidazzler

Really OP, it's literally none of your business. You have no right or real need to know. It seems to be a touchy subject for her so drop it, if she wants to tell you she will, but keep on asking her and you will just drive her mental. She certainly has better reasons to not tell you than you have to be told.

Angeles

I personally don't understand why some say this is none of his business!
Last time i checked, trust is a the strongest key factor in any working relationship, especially one where marriage is mentioned.

This problem hits that area hard on the head. I mean she is not willing to trust some very likely trivial information in her partner and instead is using that info to, what comes across as entice an engagement?

I wouldn't consider this something you can just brush aside op, this is one of those things that, if you do? it will boil and eventually cause future problems.

Confront her op and tell her how much its bothering you and explain why, least you can do is find out why she won't tell you something, it will drive you nuts otherwise.

Dymo

Joey the lips wrote: »

Her past is her past. I dont see why it matters to you now and her future.

minidazzler wrote: »

Really OP, it's literally none of your business. You have no right or real need to know

Maybe we all don't live in a perfect world but I think he has right to know about this first boyfriend, he was honest with her so he should expect the same. Maybe the first boyfriend was a scumbag, druggie, 60 year old, priest I think he should know and then make up his own mind, if he loves her it won't matter and he'll get over it. What does matter is not knowing and thinking about it.

squonk

I agree that if they are going out a good while and the relationship has progressed to the point where she is mentioning the E word, then it's a bit stupid to play this sort of game.

For her own benefit, even if it was embarrassing or whatever it was, it's better to get it out in the open. Frankly, leaving it as 'I can't tell you' is going to lead to her bf wondering about all sorts of possibilities.

For those who say, 'It's just a small thing and it's in the past', I'd say, 'It's just a small thing, so say it.'. The OP is going out with this lady and it sounds like they're getting on well. I'm sure no matter what she said, the OP would take it on board and support her if she felt particularly bad about it. Hell, we all do stupid embarrassing things when we're young. I'm not impressed at all by her behaviour. If I was in the situation it'd be throwing warning signals at me bigger than the actual issue.

Let's face it, you'd expect maybe a small bit of reticence. Maybe a week or two of 'Oh god no, I'm not going to tell you'. Then maybe an embarrassed admission where both parties knew from the outset the admission was going to come and her bf could take it on board and make her feel good about the whole thing in the end. You certainly don't expect 'Oh I can't tell.. never... unless we get engaged.' Very childish.

blodvyn

Why do people insist on bringing this topic up, in my personal expierience it leads to nothing but badness.

I avoid talking about it and or asking about it.

If you didn't bring this conversation up you wouldn't have this headache, fair enough now she's built up an enigma, but you'd have been blissfully unaware and going about your daily routine.

It's her past, when i meet someone, its a new slate, dredging up the past is not a good thing.

Btw have you ever considered that this person hurt her deeply, both physically and emotionally and it's a hard topic for her to talk about??

Dymo

blodvyn wrote: »

Why do people insist on bringing this topic up, in my personal expierience it leads to nothing but badness.

Because it will eventually come up somewhere in the future and the OP will look like a fool for not knowing it.

squonk

blodvyn wrote: »

Btw have you ever considered that this person hurt her deeply, both physically and emotionally and it's a hard topic for her to talk about??

She's talking about it coming up if they were engaged. Engagement is on the table. If that's the case and the first love hurt her deeply, surely the OP would be able to help with this?

Look at it this way, suppose she has an incident down the line with a friend/sibling or whatever who hurts her deeply. Will there be the same refusal to talk about it with the OP? All this is hypothetical but it raises a few questions.

I get not dredging up the past. If you're in a long term relationship where engagement is discussed, surely you should also be at the stage where you are willing to discuss any subject with your OH? We've all done stupid things or had bad things happen to us that we keep to ourselves but when it gets to that stage, you'd have to assume that you trust your OH enough to open up to them with these things. Otherwise, can you say you're really ready for the next step?

LegacyUser

plshlpthnks wrote: »

My girlfriend and I have been arguing about something which I'd like to share and get your opinions on.

In a discussion recently, I asked about her previous boyfriends (we had already talked about my previous girlfriends). She gave me a list of guys, but I realised that she had left out the first guy that she was with. I pointed this out to her, and she replied that she couldn't and wouldn't tell me anything about this individual.

This raised alarm bells for me. At first I imagined that it was because she was still hung up on him, but she assured me that this was not the case. Then I thought that it might be someone I know, but she wouldn't give me any more information. I began to freak out and think that it might be one of my close friends or someone I work with. Eventually, she told me that it wasn't somebody like that and that she didn't think I would be humiliated when I found out, or that I would be shocked and dump her when I knew who it was.

Am I over-reacting to still think that this is a big deal? She says that if we were engaged to be married, she might tell me who it was. Otherwise. she says she will never tell me and never give any information about him whatsoever. I prefer to think about the future than the past, but this person mattered a lot to her and the mystery surrounding it is driving me crazy.

Hi,

I have a friend who is in this situation as well, but from the girls perspective. Basically she was in a very destructive relationship a few years ago, and I mean very destructive-the guy was using a lot of drugs, emotionally abused her, would disappear for weeks on end, everytime she would get with a new guy she'd be bombarded with texts/calls etc., he would completely undermine her confidence, would sit outside her house waiting for her..the list goes on and on. Eventually she broke the cycle-it took a few years, but now she's after having a baby with the nicest guy ever and they've recently gotten engaged. But for the first two years of her relationship she didn't breathe a word about the old guy, not one word. Even though current fiancé knew there had been someone around the scene for a few years.

In fairness to him he never pushed her on it, never asked any of us about it and completely respected her wishes that she didn't want to talk about it. As I mentioned, they recently had a baby and got engaged. Just before she fell pregnant (they were trying hard to concieve) she decided to tell him all about it, her reason was that it was now so irrelevant and so in her past, she felt she could look on it as something that made her stronger. But before that she was mortified about it, didn't want the new boyfriend to think that she was some sort of drug addicted door mat (if you get me!) and it still very much affected her and she didn't want that experience to colour his view of her.

It was only when she dealt with her insecurities and was confident in their relationship and it had moved on to that level (baby & living together) did she feel ready to tell him and did she feel confident that he knew enough about her, and was ready to commit to her that this wasn't going to be an issue, and it wasn't.
My point is that until your girl friend is ready to tell you, she's not going to, and pushing her on it may make her re-evaluate your relationship together and it could lead her to questioning a lot of aspects of it, maybe she's thinking why doesn't he trust me. I know it's probably eating you up inside wanting to know about it (and trust me I know all about over analysing stuff!) but pushing her on it, in the long run, is only going to cause more trouble,

I hope this makes sense to you and best of luck

Joey the lips

Dymo wrote: »

Maybe we all don't live in a perfect world but I think he has right to know about this first boyfriend, he was honest with her so he should expect the same. Maybe the first boyfriend was a scumbag, druggie, 60 year old, priest I think he should know and then make up his own mind, if he loves her it won't matter and he'll get over it. What does matter is not knowing and thinking about it.

Still not entitled to know...

A std test will confirm all he needs to know. If he loves her then the past should not matter but like i say...Its up to him

ztoical

As others have said there could be 101 reasons she doesn't want to talk about this at this stage. Her first 'love' could have been a much older man, or someone like a teacher or other authority figure or it could have been a relative like a cousin - she might be embrassed about this or worry how the OP might view this. Her first love might not have been male at all and again she's not comfortable discussing this at this stage of their relationship. He might have made a fool of her cheating on her, stealing from her, they might now be in jail, on drugs, dead.....Maybe her first boyfriend came out as Gay after being with her or maybe they've had a sex change and she's not comfortable taking about this or thinks the OP might not understand.

Every single thing I mentioned above has happened to female friends of mine and one happened to me, for some it was no big deal but others it was something that they worried and stressed over. The friend who lost her virginity to her cousin was very uncomfortable about admitting this to her now husband and worried about it for months on end. Who knows what her reasons are and it doesn't matter the girlfriend isn't comfortable taking about it at this stage of the relationship and the OP can either accept this and move on or not accept it and risk ending the relationship. Just because the OP opted to share all his pervious encouncters doesn't mean he is entitled to hear everything about his girlfriends.

It was your choice to be open OP, you can't force her to do the same.

S23

ztoical wrote: »

It was your choice to be open OP, you can't force her to do the same.

That sums it up for me OP.

You can't force her to be as open as you are or communicate on the same levels you are.

You either have to come to terms with her keeping secrets about this and possibly other stuff from you and live with it. Or if you can't deal with it then I'm afraid this issue is likely to effect your relationship repeatedly in the future.

Fittle

She sounds like a drama queen to be honest OP.

Like why did she even tell you there was a 'first' love and then refuse to tell you anything about him Why didn't she just say the 2nd guy was her first love...or change the dates somewhat and not mention him at all....I think she's looking for attention from you, and she's obviously getting it.

Just say 'Fine, it's nothing to do with me' and move on.

deisemum

I'm with my husband over 23 years and we've never felt the need to know about each others previous lovelife and also never had this need to know everyone of our past boyfriends or girlfriends. Our previous partners are in the past for a reason.

I've also seen threads posted by people who've spent years with someone and then when their partner finds out something even the most innocent things about their partner's previous lovelife they get bent out of shape and consumed with jealousy.

I think the op is over-reacting big time.

Partizan

plshlpthnks wrote: »

My girlfriend and I have been arguing about something which I'd like to share and get your opinions on.

In a discussion recently, I asked about her previous boyfriends (we had already talked about my previous girlfriends). She gave me a list of guys, but I realised that she had left out the first guy that she was with. I pointed this out to her, and she replied that she couldn't and wouldn't tell me anything about this individual.

This raised alarm bells for me. At first I imagined that it was because she was still hung up on him, but she assured me that this was not the case. Then I thought that it might be someone I know, but she wouldn't give me any more information. I began to freak out and think that it might be one of my close friends or someone I work with. Eventually, she told me that it wasn't somebody like that and that she didn't think I would be humiliated when I found out, or that I would be shocked and dump her when I knew who it was.

Am I over-reacting to still think that this is a big deal? She says that if we were engaged to be married, she might tell me who it was. Otherwise. she says she will never tell me and never give any information about him whatsoever. I prefer to think about the future than the past, but this person mattered a lot to her and the mystery surrounding it is driving me crazy.

OP, what is in the past, stays in the past. Tbh, these sort of questions should not be brought up in any relationship. For whatever reason she is uncomfortable so leave her alone.

ztoical

Fittle wrote: »

She sounds like a drama queen to be honest OP.

Like why did she even tell you there was a 'first' love and then refuse to tell you anything about him Why didn't she just say the 2nd guy was her first love...or change the dates somewhat and not mention him at all....I think she's looking for attention from you, and she's obviously getting it.

Just say 'Fine, it's nothing to do with me' and move on.

Cus just because she doesn't want to tell the OP about the situation does not mean she wants to lie to him. If the relationship develops further and maybe is heading towards marraige/longer term commitment she might want to discuss whatever the issue is with him and how would it look if she turned around and said by the way I lied to you.

shinikins

OP I think you should leave it alone. What occured to me when I read your post is that maybe its not a good memory for her. She may well have been abused, and that can take years to recover from, and she may never want to speak about it. Stop pushing the issue with her-it's none of your business who she slept with in the past, if she chooses to confide in you then fine.

kylith

blodvyn wrote: »

Why do people insist on bringing this topic up, in my personal expierience it leads to nothing but badness.

I avoid talking about it and or asking about it.

If you didn't bring this conversation up you wouldn't have this headache, fair enough now she's built up an enigma, but you'd have been blissfully unaware and going about your daily routine.

It's her past, when i meet someone, its a new slate, dredging up the past is not a good thing.

Btw have you ever considered that this person hurt her deeply, both physically and emotionally and it's a hard topic for her to talk about??

I completely agree. My partner and I haven't listed out our past relationships because I have no interest in knowing who his old girlfriends were and I don't see what business of his my old boyfriends are. Sure, we've mentioned exes in passing, but if he were to sit me down and ask me to detail every relationship I've been in since I was 16 I'd think that he was being weird and obsessive, and it would be a major warning sign of possible self esteem problems on his part. I would worry that during a disagreement he'd start bringing up exes.

In my opinion someone who keeps asking about your exes is someone who has trouble letting go of their own.

minidazzler

Dymo wrote: »

Maybe we all don't live in a perfect world but I think he has right to know about this first boyfriend, he was honest with her so he should expect the same. Maybe the first boyfriend was a scumbag, druggie, 60 year old, priest I think he should know and then make up his own mind, if he loves her it won't matter and he'll get over it. What does matter is not knowing and thinking about it.

The OP didn't state that she asked him about his Exes and duly obliged, I think he offered the information. Regardless, she is under no obligation to tell him and he has no right to know. It's not really a trust issue, it's simply the past.

I wouldn't talk about exes and such because at the time I was deeply in love with them, and still hold an affection for one or two, what good can come of a conversation about them? I would wager most current BF's/GF's would want to hear you are completely and utterly over the ex and don't even regard them anymore, but for most people that's not gonna be how they feel. It's a trap conversation and the OP should simply drop the subject.

booboo88

Personally, I dont ever talk about exs with guys anymore, and i especially DONT want to know about theirs after the last time ended in disater. if its a sore point for her, give her time. you putting pressure on her will push her away.

LegacyUser

personally i have told my current partner everything about my ex's, (one of them set us up in the first place so i felt it was only right to give him the details of how we (me and his friend) ended up as friends)

i volunteered the information and tbh i am glad i did as in one particular instance it came in helpful he knew about the explosive situation that had been years before him,and when it came back to bite me in the ass recently. i would have had a tough time explaining it to him if he didn't already know the truth about me and what i did, he saw i have zero interest for anything to do with said ex and he is also not in the least bit insecure about it after me talking about it with him, even though he can be insecure with other guy friends/ ex's at times.

i did ask him about his but he didn't want to tell me, i left it be and a few months later we bumped into one of his ex's, after we were finished chatting i asked what his friends name was (i didn't catch it while we were talking) and he told me about her being his ex, over the course of months he told me bits and pieces i never pushed, i just listened when he choose to talk, and thats the way it should be imo.





op when you said this:

plshlpthnks wrote: »

This raised alarm bells for me. At first I imagined that it was because she was still hung up on him, but she assured me that this was not the case. Then I thought that it might be someone I know, but she wouldn't give me any more information. I began to freak out and think that it might be one of my close friends or someone I work with. Eventually, she told me that it wasn't somebody like that and that she didn't think I would be humiliated when I found out, or that I would be shocked and dump her when I knew who it was.

it sounds to me you are letting your imagination run wild you need to calm down and realise that you need to trust her, she has said you wouldn't be effected by it and you need to accept this.

plshlpthnks wrote: »

She says that if we were engaged to be married, she might tell me who it was. Otherwise. she says she will never tell me and never give any information about him whatsoever. I prefer to think about the future than the past, but this person mattered a lot to her and the mystery surrounding it is driving me crazy.

you say this person matters alot to her but that to me contradicts what you said she said in the previous quote. (see bold parts)

and she has told you if you got engaged she might tell you, that to me would say if things were getting serious she would try and be totally honest with you, but again if she chooses not to tell thats her decision and you need to respect it either way.

IrishEyes19

Just leave it be, OP, some first relationships and then some relationships are tricky in general or in some cases horrific and most people dont like opening up about them. I dont think its to hide anything, it mainly because painful episodes are best left in the past if you have dealt with them properly beforehand, obviously if this was something she hadnt dealt with yet, she would tell you in time, but clearly she doesnt want to delve into it now.

Enjoy the relationship you have now, but stop pressing for more information then she is prepared to give you just yet.

LegacyUser

OP, I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I don't tell partner's about my first "serious" relationship because the man was horribly abusive and I never want to relive that or have a new partner think any differently of me, pity me or anything like that. I told a few partners, but hated the way they reacted, even if they reacted brilliantly, I just hated the pity. So now I don't do it. In the last few years, I've only told 2 people because it's just easier not to talk about it.

Your girlfriend could have a very good reason for not telling you and you need to trust that she has her own reasons for not talking about it.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. I actually sent my girlfriend the link for this thread the same morning I posted it, and watching the comments come in helped us to figure things out. The help available here is really outstanding. Thanks for all your comments and opinions; they were all read and very much appreciated :-)

Dymo

This is raising alarm bells for me.are you going to give me any more information. Am I over-reacting to still think that this is a big deal?

well?

LegacyUser

What happened was that I read the replies and figured that it might be wrong to insist on knowing. I've always said that I believe in being able to compromise, and this seems like something I should be willing to compromise on, especially given that most objective outsiders think that it's a bit unreasonable to insist on knowing. I can get over it by trusting that she has a good reason not to tell me right now. And I won't be raising the subject with her again.

Thanks again for all the replies. It's dealt with and we have moved on! Cheers.

Otis Driftwood

As the OP has gotten things sorted Im closing this thread.