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"BF" Skyped another girl

  • 14-06-2011 12:19am
    #1
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭


    I was using the laptop and found a pic of a woman! He said he'd been using chat sites to talk to people about our relationship. I couldn't accept this as he wouldn't have been exchanging pics with people like that so I walked out, said I couldn't be with him any more and went away for the weekend with friends. Returned and when I turned on the laptop found yet another pic of a diff girl. Realized Skype had been deleted so downloaded it and it automatically opened up his account. He'd spent the weekend video chatting a girl. I mean hours upon hours of chat!! He doesn't see it as a prob as he believes it's helping him come to terms with things he's done and he can be "honest" with her. Plus "we were over"! It was a day after I left! Am i wrong in thinking this is ridiculous?


Comments

  • #2
    booboo88
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,107 ✭✭✭booboo88


    Sounds like wanting cake and eating it, he has no respect for you if he video chatting random women on the net. I use skype for my friends overseas, thats it.


  • #3
    Asphyxia
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,740 ✭✭✭Asphyxia


    That's ridiculous! Something is going on there and if I were you I wouldn't be sticking around. Does he know these girls personally or just finding them over the internet? Setting up profiles on chat sites just to talk about your relationship! Why can't he talk about it with you? Alarm bells ring throughout you post OP.. If I were you I wouldn't think twice about it.


  • #4
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    Nope he doesn't know them and apparently that's why it's ok.....he'll never meet them and can tell them everything that he "can't tell" me cuz I wouldn't like him. We'd been together nearly 8 years and been through an awful lot of **** so other girls was the least of my worries so for all I know this has been going on all along. Feel sick that he'd do this. I forgave him cheating a year into our relationship so to be in this situation now after this long is killing me.


  • #5
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Plus "we were over"

    Well, weren't you? You did say you wouldn't be with him any more and walk out, didn't you?

    If you are over, then you have no problem any more, OP. The skype girl does.

    If you were just punishing him by going on a girlie weekend or something, it didn't work and it won't work. Then you still have a problem.


  • #6
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    Emm yah I know that but he did it when we were still together also. It's been such a long time and he's getting into my head that there wasn't anything wrong in it because he needed help to talk about what's happened with us. I needed to blow off steam and get my head around it and the weekend away was planned so no, I wasn't being pathetic and playing games. I find it difficult to turn my back on a relationship of that length when I still love him. I think after that length of time no-one would have expected that the following day he'd be chatting to a girl on Skype.


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  • #7
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    I never called you pathetic, OP, but how difficult is it to see that this guy can and will do just as he pleases, as, whatever you may say, he sees that his actions have no real consequences for him? You walk away and then you come back, look up the skype log and go vent about it on boards. The guy's laughing.

    Yes, what he is doing is, as you say, ridiculous, and more; it is completely disrespectful to you and in my book tantamount to emotional cheating. If you don't find the way to leave, I feel you will most probably be coming on here to vent about him for a long time to come - I'm sorry but I can't see how a relationship like this can have a happy future. :(


  • #8
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    We'd been together nearly 8 years and been through an awful lot of **** so other girls was the least of my worries so for all I know this has been going on all along. Feel sick that he'd do this. I forgave him cheating a year into our relationship so to be in this situation now after this long is killing me.

    I hate to cast aspersions here but he sounds like just the type who has probably been carrying on in some shape or form all along.

    Eight years is a long time to spend on someone and a lot of years to "throw away", but better off doing it now then waste another eight years on someone who clearly can't be trusted.


  • #9
    Count Duckula
    Closed Accounts Posts: 570 ✭✭✭Count Duckula


    You told him it was over. Mean it and stick to your guns.

    You'll be much better off without him.


  • #10
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,193 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    I actually use to go on chat sites to talk about my relationship with other girls. Ironically my ex had problems with the only girls I was friendly with, she was a friend of my sisters and I didn't want to ask my mother so I had no women to talk to for advise. Boards is great but there isn't the same instant flow you'd get talking to someone. I didn't do the video thing though...

    It wasn't anything sexual but at the same time I was looking at pictures of girls on there. Didn't necessarily talk to those girls though...talked to the one's that seemed the friendliest and most open. It was never anything sexual.


  • #11
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    Thank you for all the replies :) I'm sorry seenitall, didn't mean you were calling me that, it's how I'd feel I was acting if that was what I'd done. I understand that he's being disrespectful, I honestly do, I just don't actually want it to be finished (even though it probably is at this stage regardless). @Wompa1, I understand the need to talk to other people and he said he talked to this girl as she had been through a similar situation. This I could accept but the fact that she sent him pictures and the need for them to video call one another makes its harder in my books to contemplate. This girl also has a boyfriend!!! We've been through an awful lot in the last few years so I guess I was in a place where I thought he wouldn't need to turn to a random stranger about the things that had happened when I'd proved I'd stand by him (he has/had a dependency on drugs which got worse over the last two years especially, he's been "clean" nearly 3 weeks now). I'm so much more upset over the fact he confided in someone else than the fact he Skype'd a girl. He's said he'll Skype her in front of me to prove it wasn't anything other than looking for someone to talk to?


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  • #12
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    He's said he'll Skype her in front of me to prove it wasn't anything other than looking for someone to talk to?

    That's a great idea, OP! While the skype is on, with your b/f there, don't forget to ask her what she is getting out of sharing in the attached men's personal problems to the extent of picture-sharing and skyping. Tell her that you are only asking because you have been feeling disrespected and excluded by your boyfriend lately, so you are thinking of doing the same as her, if it will help.

    The above is tongue-in-cheek, OP. :) Don't do that. But honestly, I don't see this situation turning out well for you, at all. Your b/f's up to no good and is trying to convince you it's all above board. I wouldn't buy it, and I have a feeling you won't either... so I have nothing to add to what I said in my earlier post, essentially.

    The best of luck with it all.


  • #13
    Lady von Purple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 318 ✭✭Lady von Purple


    Hmmm. OP, I'm going to go against the majority here. 8 years is too long a relationship to throw away because your boyfriend has been talking to other women. It seems like the draw for him, if he's been telling you the truth, is the anonymity factor. He doesn't know these women. They're 'safe' since he'll never meet them or have any more contact with them than through video. Maybe, and I'm just saying maybe, all it is is catharsis. If you can afford it, tell him to stop talking to strangers online and go to a counsellor if he needs to talk- or to you, of course, but if he needs to talk to someone else. Since there doesn't seem to be any sign of him cheating, I'd suggest talking to him about counselling instead. If you have reason to suspect he's being unfaithful, of course break up with him. But if not, see if you can work things out. Good luck.


  • #14
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,193 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Thank you for all the replies :) I'm sorry seenitall, didn't mean you were calling me that, it's how I'd feel I was acting if that was what I'd done. I understand that he's being disrespectful, I honestly do, I just don't actually want it to be finished (even though it probably is at this stage regardless). @Wompa1, I understand the need to talk to other people and he said he talked to this girl as she had been through a similar situation. This I could accept but the fact that she sent him pictures and the need for them to video call one another makes its harder in my books to contemplate. This girl also has a boyfriend!!! We've been through an awful lot in the last few years so I guess I was in a place where I thought he wouldn't need to turn to a random stranger about the things that had happened when I'd proved I'd stand by him (he has/had a dependency on drugs which got worse over the last two years especially, he's been "clean" nearly 3 weeks now). I'm so much more upset over the fact he confided in someone else than the fact he Skype'd a girl. He's said he'll Skype her in front of me to prove it wasn't anything other than looking for someone to talk to?

    Ok, I never had pictures sent to me but I did video chat. It's just much easier than typing and it's nice to see the person you are talking to. But maybe that's crossing a line and I'm not aware of it?

    The pictures thing is bizare. I think I got sent a picture once and it was a girl who was at a demolition for the Cowboys old football stadium. I passed up a few chances to cheat on my ex, one in particular in which the girl threw herself at me. My ex had no reason to not trust me. She got pissed when she found out, I explained myself and she accepted it but I decided it wasn't worth the hassle and just stopped talking to people online...I actually started using this forum more after that. It's a shame though, I don't feel as though I can ask things on the same level here for some reason


  • #15
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    I genuinely do understand the need to talk to someone and maybe it is all innocent, I know he didn't send her any photos so that could have been on her. (Wompa1: yup this is alot harder than pm'ing someone) We've agreed to go to couples counselling once to see if we could make a go of things. If not then that's that, I know I've tried my hardest and done all I could. Appreciate all the replies :D


  • #16
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Thank you for all the replies :) I'm sorry seenitall, didn't mean you were calling me that, it's how I'd feel I was acting if that was what I'd done. I understand that he's being disrespectful, I honestly do, I just don't actually want it to be finished (even though it probably is at this stage regardless). @Wompa1, I understand the need to talk to other people and he said he talked to this girl as she had been through a similar situation. This I could accept but the fact that she sent him pictures and the need for them to video call one another makes its harder in my books to contemplate. This girl also has a boyfriend!!! We've been through an awful lot in the last few years so I guess I was in a place where I thought he wouldn't need to turn to a random stranger about the things that had happened when I'd proved I'd stand by him (he has/had a dependency on drugs which got worse over the last two years especially, he's been "clean" nearly 3 weeks now). I'm so much more upset over the fact he confided in someone else than the fact he Skype'd a girl. He's said he'll Skype her in front of me to prove it wasn't anything other than looking for someone to talk to?

    Girl - I wish I had something more to say, but good God. Wake up.

    Can you honestly say that putting yourself through all this **** is worth it?

    One day (and I hope its soon) youll wake up and think "what the hell am I doing" and then "where did my life go".

    Is it a case of scared of being on your own? You obviously dont trust him, and getting that trust back is awfully...terribly hard.


  • #17
    squonk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,990 ✭✭✭squonk


    I'll put another spin on this which, as I see it, is the only way it can make sense. He's emotionally cheating on you. He goes on skype, sees girl X, gets talking, starts saying 'Oh myself and the girlfriend have some issues right now...' and is basically chatting up and flirting with these girls behind your back. He may tell you that he's discussing your relationship, he may even have himself convinced in some way that that's what he's doing but really he knows he's getting a thrill out of flirting with these other women. It's completely safe because nothing physical is ever going to happen and yourself and himself are never likely to bump into one of them out and about so it's all good.

    I'd be concerned that it'd start this way but then over time move from Skype to heading out and chatting up other women in clubs or wherever. That'd be my way of looking at it. Really, if you've been together 8 years he should have some other sort of outlet for his problems. As for him saying that if he tells you all he's going through (poor lamb), you'll think he's a bad person. Again, you're together 8 years. I'd have thought that sort of insecurity would be long gone, or if not, that you understood each other enough to work through whatever it is.

    I think it's all an excuse. He knows he's been caught doing something that could be considered cheating and is lying and slithering his way out of it.

    OP, you've said you've left. Stay gone. You don't need this.


  • #18
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    Turns out I was being naive. Left to go home for the weekend, forgot something so came back to get it and he was packing to go to Dublin to meet this girl. I've rang and handed in my notice in the house and have my family travelling down to get the rest of my things over the weekend. Guess I was fooling myself after all.


  • #19
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,724 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Go easy on yourself there, OP.

    The main thing is you've learned from this and it will stand you in the future. You don't need a cheater in your life.

    All the best, and be good to yourself.


  • #20
    booboo88
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,107 ✭✭✭booboo88


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Turns out I was being naive. Left to go home for the weekend, forgot something so came back to get it and he was packing to go to Dublin to meet this girl. I've rang and handed in my notice in the house and have my family travelling down to get the rest of my things over the weekend. Guess I was fooling myself after all.

    *hug*
    you really dont need this guy, he's a weasel. No back bone whatsoever. Of course he was willing to go to counselling, anything to have his cake and eat it!!


  • #21
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Turns out I was being naive. Left to go home for the weekend, forgot something so came back to get it and he was packing to go to Dublin to meet this girl. I've rang and handed in my notice in the house and have my family travelling down to get the rest of my things over the weekend. Guess I was fooling myself after all.

    The only thing you need to keep telling yourself right now is 1. You will get through this and 2. He is a coward and you should (and will in time) feel sorry for him.

    I actually feel relieved for you. And that is one stranger to another. I am genuinely relieved the blinkers are off.

    I also feel sorry for the girl he is meeting (and going to make a fool of also).


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  • #22
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Turns out I was being naive. Left to go home for the weekend, forgot something so came back to get it and he was packing to go to Dublin to meet this girl. I've rang and handed in my notice in the house and have my family travelling down to get the rest of my things over the weekend. Guess I was fooling myself after all.

    You poor pet but thank God you found out...

    Its a hard lesson but most guys wont treat you like this.... You have had such a lucky escape... I know it early days but soon you will be so glad you got out of this with your sanity.... Happy days ahead for you...


  • #23
    amdublin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    whatanidiot wrote: »
    Turns out I was being naive. Left to go home for the weekend, forgot something so came back to get it and he was packing to go to Dublin to meet this girl. I've rang and handed in my notice in the house and have my family travelling down to get the rest of my things over the weekend. Guess I was fooling myself after all.

    Goid luck.

    You are not an idiot (username). Actually is that him you were referring to?!

    You are a brave girl for confronting this and finishing it. You will feel miserable for the next while but you will get through it and you will be so relieved to have got away from him. Stick with it and use you families support.


  • #24
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    He actually didn't even give me the chance to move out today after this happening yesterday but he had brought the girl down from Dublin today to stay in our house and our bed so I'm delighted I got away when I did. He's been on a dating site since two days before my birthday in May and this poor girl put up on his profile three days ago that she loves him.....obviously as unwise to me as I was to her. He's not my problem anymore, I've changed my number and don't ever wanna hear or see him again. Thanks again for all the replies....much appreciated :D:D


  • #25
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    What a nasty piece of work and thats a big shock for the poor girl who has been fooled by him. DOes she know now? If so, she hardly stayed with him?


  • #26
    booboo88
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,107 ✭✭✭booboo88


    aww what a a**hole. i suppose hes changed his story about needing "someone to talk to"


  • #27
    whatanidiot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 123 ✭✭whatanidiot


    Nope don't think she knows the truth, he's told her we're broken up with weeks and to be honest I don't care. She felt no shame in coming down to stay in my house knowing I was still living there to flaunt it in my face so good luck to her. I'm happier than I've been in a long time knowing I no longer have to be the one that's constantly looking after him.....she's his prob now :)


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