I can't snap myself out of it........

LegacyUser

I am trying really hard to put a brave face on things - I always can but I feel like everything is just getting on top of me in the last few weeks & I'm scared of whats going to happen if I don't pull myself together. I have 2 children & I'm not with their dad anymore. I work full time & I have my parents nearby. I know I should count my blessings but I just can't see the wood from the trees. No-one knows that i'm losing it but I just feel out of control at the moment. I'm not sleeping great and I am crying at stupid things - sobbing watching a movie last night & sobbing reading a book too. Here goes with a synopsis of things as they stand.
My ex screwed around 4 yrs ago & we split & he was really nasty to me for the following 2 years even after all that (I was pregnant when I found out he was with another). 4 years on & I still own 2 properties with him cause the didn't sell due to the market crash. And now he is telling everyone he wants to get back with me but there is no chance of that - I wouldn't entertain it for a minute. Thats the 1st thing I'm dealing with.
I've had a 3 short-term relationships since & thats it. I hooked up with someone last year - nothing serious but we got on well - he had split from his wife a few months previous so I was a shoulder to cry on. I didn't heard from him for 2 months then it turned out that his wife was due a baby!! I was shocked & v upset. I heard from him 1 month after that & got v cross. It then tranpired that she wasn't sure if he was the father..that was why they were apart but he hadn't told me that. I met him for coffee and he was genuinely in a bad way. I told him to do a paternity test which he did. I met him for a drink one night & things got heavy with him. A week later he found out the baby was his. The thing is that he has told me that he is just stayin in the house but they aren't together & I believed him. I just think I'm a gullible fool. Although I have feelings for him I met him & told him I want nothing to do with him - I am not going to be a mistress. 2 days later he told me she left him. I am still steering clear but I'm finding it very hard. My head says stay away but my heart says the opposite. I'm confident that I won't meet him even though he is on the text to me about it - I would feel like a complete hypocrite & I would be ashamed. So thats the 2nd thing I'm dealing with at the moment.
Money - because I have property with my ex he doesn't give maintenance for the children so I'm coping OK with that as he pays the mortgage on the primary residence which I'm living in until its sold. He stil has a key for the house & uses it much to my disgust but my solicitor says I can't do anything about it as we never married so we are strangers in the eyes of the court so have equal rights to the house. (He came in to the house and put a note in my bed a few weeks ago saying he wanted to come back). The thing is that the second property was an 'investment' property that we bought just before we split up. I would have signed anything cause I thought he might stay & I was 7 months pregnant. It was a 100% mortgage & the property price is gone down the toilet now. There were tenants in it until beg of last year. So it was idle for a few months & then he put a female 'friend' of his in it. He never told me that she was staying there but one of the children mentioned they had been to the apartment to visit herself with their dad. I didnt let on I knew but I was disgusted. She ended up getting the Health Board to pay the rent so I kinda didn't care too much - I was still a bit irked but it was ok. Then she got a job & couldn't afford to pay rent - how irish is that!! To cut a long story short he told me he was moving into the apartment in the new year & the tenant was moving out (he is living in his mothers even though he bought a property in Kildare (on his own) after we split up - worth feck all too.) Anyhow, the tenant - his now ex girlfriend from what I gather - is still in the apartment & hasn't paid a penny since November. I ended up putting a letter into her parents house asking her to pay the rent (back in April) She txt me to say the money was going in the following week but not a sausage. The mortgage on that property is now 5 months in arrears & the bank are not allowing interest only so the repayments are going up by €1,000 a month. Item no. 3 thats getting to me.
Work - am working lots of hours over what I'm being paid for because its now expected of everyone in work. This is causing havoc on my homelife with the children as I am literally not getting a minute to relax. Its in the door, put the dinner on, do homework if necessary and maybe bring them to their sports training (3 weekdays).
Children - my oldest was always my rock & I probably relied a lot on her, she would always look out for me. Give me hugs when I was sad & help out. But now she is growing up & inevitably thinks I'm the most stupid person in the world & I'm horrible etc..teenage stuff. It really hurts me & I think this could be the crux of my issue. Even when I was the lowest of the low before, she would make me feel better - not becasue I would be crying in her arms or anything of the sort but jsut because she was my ally. We used to talk a lot about this & that - not anything heavy like money or he dad - more just stupid stuff. MAybe she was like a partner to me & now I've lost that. She rows with her sister all the time & I feel like I'm a referee. I lost the plot with the kids on Friday & again this morning - my throat was sore from all the shouting. And unknowns to them I just broke down afterwards. I just feel like I can't cope with them. I get so cross with them over silly things. I don't know what I should be discipling them about. I feel so selfish because I just can't see anything positive about having children at this moment in time. I love them & support them & bring them whereever they want to go but I just feel like I get nothing back. I think if I was in a relationship that I could at least switch off from the kids but I can't. Its eating me up at the moment. I would be lost without my own parents so I get that I have a pivitol role to play in my own childrens lives but I feel like its too hard & I'm not able for it. I possibly subconsiously resent them holding me back from meeting someone. I don't know. I just don't know where to go from here. I feel pitied by my married friends, my workmates & my family. They always say to me I don't know how you do it but I usually shrug it off cause at least I don't have to rely on someone thats unrealiable (like I used to with the childrens dad). But when they say it now I just feel really sad and very alone.
I have really good friends but I only talk to them about pockets of my life. I have one friend I can talk to about the kids cause she has similar ages & she's also been left - but her husband is with someone he used to confide in so I feel that this is too similar to the man thing I have going on a the moment so I don't talk to her about that. I have a friend that I talk to about the man thing because I know she will just say - go for it - she's unhappily married. Then I talk to my brother & sis in law about my ex & the house issues because they are quite practical. And of course I have everyone in work to moan about work but most of the people I work with are newly weds or having their first child - I had my kids earlier than most of my friends. So I suppose I should really go and talk to someone - but I don't have time to..
If you have read this saga then fair play to you. I think writing it all out has helped & I think I'll look into a phoneline counselling service but I'll take any advice, criticism - whatever. I feel bad putting down my deepest thoughts & I don't know if I could be so honest with a counsellor. Am I a disgraceful mother? I do get to go out by the way - the children go to with their dad every other wkend - but I either go mad & behave like a 20yr old (I'm mid-30)or else I'm depressed looking at all the beautiful young ones & happy couples. I don;t seem to have a happy medium......Any words of wisdom out there?? thanks

LegacyUser

Hi Op
I've read your full post and to some extent I can see where you're coming from especially on the children front. I split with my ex last year and he now lives with his new partner, my youngest is almost 13 and is hitting the teenage angst stage but refuses to go to stay with her dad. So I can understand how hard it is to reason with your daughter and how lonely it can feel. I sat crying like a baby yesterday for no apparent reason but I always look at a cry as a release. No point in bottling this up as it won't solve anything for you.

The only thing that I can suggest is professional counselling, somewhere impartial where you can let all your frustration, worries, concerns, anger out.
As for not having time it's only 1 hour a week/fortnight. Organise it on the weekend that the kids are with their dad.
As for your other issues unfortunately I can't offer any suggestions but only my best wishes that things will sort themselves out.

LegacyUser

Reading through your post I can see how everything is getting on to of you . I am a single parent as well with a job with long hours . i know how hard it is . I noticed you mentioned that you can't sleep . Everyting looks much worse when you are tried and things that you can normally deal with well feel over welming . You really need to sort this out first . i know from experience a few nights of Restfull sleep will do wonders . Please go and see you GP and talk through these issues with her . all of these issues will be much easier to deal with once you sort this out

LegacyUser

Op, honestly, I didn't read the details of your post because (I'm sorry!) it's kind of difficult to read a huge body of text like that. And I thought your first paragraph was the important part and said everything.

I am terrible for "putting a brave face" on things. So much so that I ended up in a counsellor's office earlier this year. The first question I was asked was "why do you feel you have to be brave all the time?".The second one was (after I had spilled all my problems out!) "you know it's ok to ask for help when life gets too much for you, don't you?"

It's really that simple. Sometimes life gets too much. You go along, thinking you've got it all under control, that you're managing ok, and then it hits you like a ton of bricks. It's your body's way of saying "ENOUGH. I've had enough...I can't do this anymore. I need to stop and give myself a break". And then the walls start crumbling, but you still keep going because you have too. You put a brave face on things even when you're crying inside all day long. And not many people understand because they see you keeping all the balls up in the air, continuing along as usual and then one day, you're a sobbing mess in front of them and they just don't know what the problem is because everything appears fine..isn't it??

At that point...you'd want to be visiting your GP. Seriously. I've been there. My problems were not like yours, but they just got too much for me. Looking back, I didn't realise that I was just about making through every day - I just kept telling myself I'd be ok, tomorrow would be better. And then one day I realised that all the tomorrows weren't getting any better and I was not ok.And my body's way of telling me that was panic attacks.

You need to ring your doctor, make an appointment and get the names of some counsellors. People who can help you out, let you talk it out, cry, whatever, who can give you ways of coping. You have to make time for this OP, because it will all come crashing down around you otherwise. It mightn't happen for months or maybe years, but it will catch up with you.I don't know whether you'd be better off with a psychologist or a counsellor, but either way, you need someone to talk to. And you owe it to yourself and your kids to make the time for that.