In a serious rut with an EX -Help me stop it!

LegacyUser

Ok, jeez, it's hard to even know where to start! Basically I'm 30, and my Ex is 27. We broke up over 3 years ago but have remained "Friends" (Who fight, occasionally sleep together and slag each other off and misunderstand each other and walk on eggshells around each other etc)

Anyway, he broke up with me because the relationship was getting to serious and he was a young lad and wanted to be single, this broke my heart and I always asked for him to leave me alone which he did for a bit but random crises would throw us back in each others lives then we both got over it a little and a more normal friendship ensued. HOWEVER, this guy has been at the helm of all my subsequent break-ups! Either my boyfriends were jealous of my relationship with him, threatened by him or I just didn't have as strong a connection to them so I figured it wasn't going to work.

Initially after the break-up I wanted to get back with this guy so bad because I felt like i'd put too much in to that relationship for him to be able to just walk away - I THINK I am in some weird zone where I spent so long wanting him to realise what he'd lost and appreciate me and want to come back that I am comfortable here - even though - long term I really don't think I want him, he's said he'd much rather be with someone who stood up to him and I know that I would much rather be with someone less selfish but for some reason sometimes I get obsessed over wanting him to want me - even though I don't even think I want him? Recently, we've both been single and slept together a few times - he was the instigator....it's made us closer friends but it's messed up my head so much!

It's not something I lose sleep over - I get jealous when he talks about other girls but I'd almost be happy if he got with someone else and it forced me to get over this stupid wall. I absolutely love him unconditionally and forever as a friend and even though I know the answer might be to shut him out of my world I don't really want that - I don't cry over him and I've been on plenty of dates and yea, Ives definitely made comparisons over the chemistry but I'll do that anyway regardless of whether he's around or not!!

I realise by reading over all that that I am probably a little nuts! Hopefully someone reading this will have gone through something similar or have some sort of advice to stop the head turmoil!

Thanks in advance

L

I am a friend

You are not at all nuts but you are wasting years on somoene who will never commit to you.

LegacyUser

Hi Op

I can only empathise and tell you that I'm in the same situation, but I'm a lot older than you.

I've known someone (family friend) since he was 15 and I was 25. I was in a relationship with someone else and subsequently had a family. My partner and I separated when I was 35 and a constant argument was this 'friend's' presence in my life. Even though it was platonic at that time.

Fast forward years later and it's the same on/off cr*p. Despite being together for almost 3 years at one point, he would never give us the recognition a proper, healthy relationship deserves. He claimed to love me but the age difference plus the fact I have children would not please his mammy!! So the relationship was hidden from his family.

Looking back I can't believe I accepted this farce of a relationship and firmly believed it was true love.

During the 'Off' periods, and when I was involved with someone else he would bombard me with attention, even proposing marriage as he couldn't bear to see me with someone else. I have broken off very good relationships to go back to this loser in the past.

I've had to come to terms with the reality that he has no intention of committing to a relationship with me. If an attractive woman came his way he would have dropped me like a hot potato. And he did, a few years ago but it didn't work out..

Also he wants to have kids and that part of my life is well and truly over.

However I've gradually been withdrawing from him and last time we were together he annoyed me so much with his irritating habits that I once found cute! I have decided enough is enough and ended things with him last week.

I'm actually fine with the fact that I have ended it now as I see him for what he is..childish and pathetic, though he's now 38. All his friends have settled down, and he's been at a loose end, so seeing a lot more of me lately. And I was useful for theatre/cinema trips, weekends away etc. But not good enough to be included at family events..parent's anniversary, cousin's christening or other family celebrations. He's always been invited to join my family events.

I'm determined not to allow myself be treated so badly by him or anyone else in the future.

Please don't waste any more time with this person. i know the 'No Contact' thing can be difficult but you have to try your best.

I have learned the hard way. I'm 48 now and have wasted so much precious time with this undeserving person and prevented myself from meeting someone else. Move on and leave that friend in the past. I wish someone had told me this year's ago.
Good Luck

gladgal

OP, I never understood the phrase 'love is blind', we can knowingly be in totally unhealthy relationships and yet we stay, I've always thought that love is addictive, you can be in a 'relationship' that you know is doing you more harm than good and yet you stay.

I won't bore you too much with my own personal experiences but suffice to say I've had a similar experience, I'm now 36, happily single and loving it.

You need to cut all ties with this person, he is one of life's selfish creatures, he won't change, you know that. Some people are territorial so that even if they don't want you they'll be all over you the moment another guy/threat appears on the scene. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've always thought that the healthiest relationships are about balance, not control.

A person like this will always love themselves more than they can ever love another person.

Delete his number (I'm sure you know it by heart but this is a cathartic thing to do), infact delete all lines of communication with him. Stay strong and with each passing day you'll realise how much better off you are without him. Give other guys a chance, I know how tough it is not to compare them to this 'big ex' but try, you never know. Also I think you'll find that time spent alone and out of a relationship, just having fun, can be the most liberating thing of all. Pretty soon you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. I promise. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thing is op, you're a 30 year old woman and unfortunately for all of us, we women have to get thinking about what we want out of life at that age.

I'm 40 now, and it's too late for me to ever have a family because I wasted years on a guy in the same way you did. I think part of me thought he would change his mind and settle with me before it was too late but he didn't. He continued to have fun and I ended up with no one. Now as a single 40 year old I see him with his wife and children and it breaks my heart. I get on with my life, I have relationships with other men now but I can't help but feel a twinge of bitterness when I see that he had everything I wanted with someone else.

I hope you don't follow down my path!

Ellie2008

Samesame wrote: »

Thing is op, you're a 30 year old woman and unfortunately for all of us, we women have to get thinking about what we want out of life at that age.

I'm 40 now, and it's too late for me to ever have a family because I wasted years on a guy in the same way you did. I think part of me thought he would change his mind and settle with me before it was too late but he didn't. He continued to have fun and I ended up with no one. Now as a single 40 year old I see him with his wife and children and it breaks my heart. I get on with my life, I have relationships with other men now but I can't help but feel a twinge of bitterness when I see that he had everything I wanted with someone else.

I hope you don't follow down my path!

Good advice OP, follow it please, you say in your original post you almost want him to meet someone else, I think from what you've disclosed here you are kidding yourself I think you would be heartbroken it may make you think he s what you wanted all along, get out now for your sake be the one to walk away, if he comes chasing well and good but make sure he bloody works for it and if he doesnt then you'll know and dont look back.