Cant get her out of my head.

LegacyUser

A couple of weeks ago, a friend (whom I've known for about 2-3 years) and I ended up hooking up on a drunken night out. It was fun, and I was surprised as I didn't know she had a thing for me. However, what I did know is that she had recently broken up with someone and that I was likely to be a rebound. Which was fine. We hooked up again after that, but again, I thought nothing of it. And then, one evening, she asked me out. 'Great!' I thought. So she asked if she could come over to my place, and if I'd cook for her and whatnot. I readied the place, prepped and all, and an hour before she was due to come over, she pulled out. She said she wasn't ready to move on yet. And I totally accepted it, and we were all good.

We were in contact after that, almost every day, and a week later, she said she would like to go on a date, but on neutral ground, so she'd be less apprehensive. We organised something, and then, like before, she pulled out at the last minute. At this stage, I knew it was a total write-off and accepted friend status. So a couple of days later, she asked if I'd meet her for a drink so that she could apologise for giving me mixed signals and explain herself. So I went along and we talked it out, had a few drinks and had a really great night. She's a lot of fun, and we've a lot in common, so naturally, it was a good laugh. I dropped her home and went on my merry way home. She then texted me and told me she had a great night but she really wished I had kissed her. I didn't really feed into it, but being attracted to her, I was quite chuffed, and resigned myself to cautiously go for it next time we hung out.

Which was the next day. She asked me if I'd go to the cinema with her. So I went along, we went to the movie and then for a drink after. Again, great fun. Walked her home and at the gate to her apartment, gave her a hug and cautiously went in for the kiss. At which point, she pulled back, said good night and hurried off. Naturally, I was massively confused. I knew that she probably wasn't over her ex, so put it down to that. Nothing was going to happen. But at the same time, I was disappointed, a bit confused. Did she actually like me or was I just a convenience? Up, down, left, right, which way should I go?! Despite my disappointment, I forced myself into accepting nothing was going to happen with this, but even still, I did hold out a modicum of hope.

A few days later, her flatmate (who is a closer friend of mine than the girl in question is) asked myself and another friend over for dinner. I was a bit nervous of going, but I wasn't there to see the girl, I was there to see my friend. Went over, had a pleasant evening. The girl came in. No awkwardness, all good, relaxed fun. At the end of the night, I wished everyone a good night, and went off on my way. At which point, again, she texted me and told me she wished I had stayed. I told her she needed to figure out what she want. I'm no psychic, so I cant figure it out for her. We continued to be in contact up to the point where we got into an argument one night. She ended up getting angry with how her ex treated her and lashed out at me. I felt hurt by what she said, and annoyed with how badly I'd let myself down and gotten into this situation. I knew it was a bad idea, and yet because we got on so well, I continued to let it happen.

Anyway, I didn't contact her again after that. I figured I'd give her the space she needed to work things out for herself. And then she contacted me again to apologise for how she treated me. I told her I understood why it had happened, and it wasn't entirely her fault. I had as much to do with it as her. We ended it on good terms. Which I was happy with as I didn't want there to be any awkwardness with our group of friends. If nothing else happened, I just wanted there to be good times, and no bad blood.

And yet, here I sit, and I cannot get this girl out of my head. It's ridiculous. On one hand, yeah, we have fun, get on great and have loads in common. And on the other, she's totally on the rebound and ran boiling hot and freezing cold with me. I was confused and ended up hurt by the situation. But every time my phone beeps, I feel a little jump, hoping it's her. I find myself wondering what she's up to. Mercifully, I have resisted texting her myself. But I know that wont last forever! I am human, after all!

And I don't want to think like this. I'd love to just put all this behind me and send her back to where she was in my mind before the drunken hook-up. But I find myself kinda hoping maybe something could happen later. And that's stupid of me.
Has anybody experienced something like this? How do I just put her out of my mind and stop thinking about it?

JonathanAnon

Well, I have to take issue with you on one point..

I told her I understood why it had happened, and it wasn't entirely her fault

I think you played everything pretty much 100% gentlemanly from what you described above .. (and this is an Internet forum so I would be the first to abuse you if you'd did something wrong.. )..

Seriously though, I'm not sure what more you can do.. I think you're right to leave the ball in her court.. She, alone, seems to have issues.. There's another guy on the scene who she may be trying to make you jealous, she may be just trying to make herself feel better with the knowing that she has another guy that wants her.. etc etc.. god only knows..

But it boils down to one thing.. Only the girl herself can sort her head out.. I would say that she genuinely likes you, but there IS another person involved.. Even if she got with you right now, you could never be sure that she wouldnt go back to them.. The best thing you can do at this moment is to leave her alone (as difficult as it may be).. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all..

beks101

This girl is a mess and if you continue this dance with her, you will be too.

I don't know the nature of her break-up, assumedly it was a bad one and her head is all over the place, but even at that nothing really excuses this type of headfukc.

You hook up and she asks you out, cancels, asks you out again, cancels again, tells you she wished you kissed her, pulls away the next time you try to kiss her, comes onto you, lashes out at you...seriously, can you not see how self destructive it would be to continue any sort of contact with this girl? And this is the early stage, the point where it's supposed to be easy and exciting and neither of you can get enough of each other...what happens six months down the line, if already 'dating' this girl is proving so problematic? I mean she hasn't even commit herself to one single date with you yet!

I think you know all this already OP but just need someone to point it out to you. Maybe once this girl is seeing things a bit clearer - which will probably be months down the line - there might be potential there for some sort of healthy relationship. But right now she's not capable of one and likely using you as an ego boost and playing hot-and-cold because she can - essentially, she knows she can have you. I think the best thing to do for yourself is to keep it civil, but keep your distance and don't instigate any texting etc with her, likewise don't reply to her suggestive texts. She can't have it any which way just when the mood takes her and you need to make that clear to her. It's not fair on you.

Overheal

I reckon she has feelings for you but the apprehension is that obvious fear of a new commitment. And if you two screw it up it would screw up in a big way. Ruin the friendship, etc. - I'm sure you copped that of course.

You probably need to wait. I mean you could always try to convince her that she doesn't need to worry about you breaking her heart too, but it's up to you entirely to decide how much good that sort of gesture would do. As a rule though, rebound situations rarely turn out well.

LegacyUser

Well speaking as someone who's just out of a relationship, I can sympathise with this girl's feelings and how all over the place her emotions are. Thats no excuse for her to treat you so badly though.

I think your best chance is to tell her go off for a month, no contact and see what happens after that.

It might not work out, but she's just not dateable at the moment and she'll lose respect for you if you continue to let her treat you badly.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately, I let the whole situation get the better of me, and ended up dropping her a text last night. She did reply, but was pretty cold and dismissive in it. But I sent her a frothy and jokey reply and left it at that. I feel a bit stupid about the whole thing. Opened up a bit and got stung for the effort. And I feel a bit annoyed at doing the right thing by her only to be treated like crap. But then she's going through the post-break up thing, so I cant really hold it against her. Just wish in hindsight I'd never done anything in the first place.

ontheditch2

Something fairly similar happened me last year. She was just out of a relationship, we were decent friends, i always kind of fancied her but never thought we might end up together, i told her i liked her, she gave me a chance and away we went
Just bide your time and see what happens. If it is a matter of her still in 2 minds over the ex, then all she needs is time. If you like her and would like to see more of her, then just don't pressure her. If its meant to be, its meant to be.
I spent 7 months with her, loved every minute of it, but it just wasn't going to work out long term, so we called it a day.
Have no regrets anyway. Tell her you like her, when you think she is ready. If she says no, well at least you tried, if she says yes, happy days.
Best of luck with it

LegacyUser

Well, it's been a few days and I'm trying to stay the course on keeping a distance. The thing is, she's the one who keeps contacting me. I reply, and keep it as non-committal as I can, but the mixed messages are a bit confusing. She told me that the way things are, we couldn't be friends. Which I accepted and left her be. But then she starts sending me messages about what she's up to, and jokes and such things. I dunno. I'm not going to do anything about her. But this contact that she keeps initiating. What do you think it could mean? Colour me baffled!