3.5 year old son seem to have anger control problem, we're not sure of what to do

Gonzales

Hi All,
We have watched our 3.5yo boy continue with a heavy temper since he was one.

When he started in pre-school, there was a little girl there that bit him once or twice - we were horrified by this & resented the little girl, well now the tables have turned, our little man is the biter & fighter, he has been biting & fighting since he was one (2.5 years). We thought, and were advised by the school owner/manager that it was just a phase, but it is going on too long now.

We have taken him out of the school as we felt the number of kids/sq foot was a contributing factor - in that when he felt crowded he got anxious & lashed out, also we felt the supervision was lacking as the biting was happening too often.

Anyway now that he's out of school, the behaviour is continuing at home & also with our friends children.

I can see a type of addled play when he plays with his little brother, he is just bursting to release/hurt his little bro, he can hold back but it is evident in a clenched jaw, addled play or indirectly hurting his little brother using a toy by creating a degree of separation between him and the pain inflicted on his brother. As soon as the injury is inflicted he immediately , in the moment knows that he has hurt his brother, I really believe he is immediately sorry but he just can't seem to stop himself.

When playing with Children his own age or younger he is also liable to fight & bite, not necessarily over a toy, it could be over territory. I have seen him purposely making himself big or extending his elbows to maliciously bang into other kids in shops.
We have been trying to talk to him before we go to meet our friends to try to coach him in advance to "play gently" when we get there but it just seems to get to a point where he loses self control and gets into a momentary rage. It seems flightin but it can happen several times during a play session. This is less of a problem with older, bigger children.

I have noticed in the last 2 months that he had started chewing his fingers (not hard), it strikes me as being triggered by anxiety, more recently he has started punching himself in the face & belly or using his little brother fist/arm to hit himself in the face (himself = older brother).
If he runs into a door or table for example and hurts himself, he will attack the door with raging punches, kicks & bites, same thing this morning, he stood on a stone in his bare feet & hurt his foot, he started thumping the ground in anger. The more I write down here, the more worrying this sounds.

He rarely tries to bite me, I gave him a crack on the backside the few times he did & I think he knows that's what happens if he does it again. My wife does not condone this approach.

He's quite a smart boy & toilet trained young enough, in a week with no accidents since. His speech was not as fast to develop as his school mates but he is getting better all the time although his peers are still a bit more articulate.
He is good with eye contact.

Anyway after all that, I would like to hear of any similar experiences & remedies from other Parents, I really am hoping t is just a phase but it's going on too long & it feels like we are always giving out to him, the poor little fecker.

Thanks all for taking the time to read this., I'd love to hear experiences & remedies.

G.

metrovelvet

http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-bestselling-parenting/dp/0091902584/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1307870575&sr=8-1

This book is supposed to be really good.

Gonzales

Thanks metro, I'll get that from the local library.

Lola92

OP, how old is his younger brother? I ask because when my brothers (twins) were around 2.5/3 one of them started biting really badly. The only way we could get him to stop is tell his brother to bite him back.

I know this is less than ideal but it helped him to learn a sense of empathy, that it hurt and was not nice and that he shouldn't do it to other kids. He learned quick enough.

Also with it being just children his age or younger it sounds like some sort of dominance is coming into play? Just something that struck me in your post was him not going for older/bigger children as much.

Maybe work on trying to get him to talk and express how he is feeling more through words. I am sad, mad, happy, sore, hungry etc. Some posters have said they find flashcards good for this purpose. It could help lessen his angry outbursts.

You have mentioned you notice him biting his hands, perhaps when you see him getting aggitated like this take him aside for a chat, asking him how he feels - try get him to verbalise it rather than having him lash out.

Hope that helps.:)

Gonzales

Hi Lola,
his little bro is only 6 months. I like the flash cards idea, I might give it a whirl, at the start I think his difficulty with verbal communication may have been a factor & maybe it just became a habit to act out rather than use his words now that he can communicate.

Thanks for the help Lola. I've just reserved the bok Metro recommneded so hopefully something good will come from it too.

G.

Lola92

Best of luck, hope it works out for you.