Can't Communicate

LegacyUser

Hi, Hoping I can get some help with this as I feel like a bit of an emotional wreck. So, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now and we’re living together. I love him so much and this is probably my first “serious” relationship. I’ve gone out with people before but its never lasted more than a couple of month. We are both lates 20s. Anyway as I said love him loads and we get on great in most ways. I can’t honestly imagine being with anyone else ever.

The problem is we seem to argue/fight a LOT!! I have noting to really judge this against because as I mentioned this is a first for me so I don’t know whats normal but to me it seems like too much. Mostly its just over stupid things and they are over before they really start. More of a little spat then an actual fight but no matter how small we are both left feeling horrible afterwards. I actually feel drained emotionally from it. I’m not someone who likes fighting anyway. We seem to find it hard to communicate with each other in an effective way. Its like we have to argue first and then after we ruin our evening with an argument we can talk reasonably about it. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to break up but am I kidding myself about how compatible we are?? Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate and talk things through without arguing?

Miss Fluff

What kind of things are you fighting about? And are you having the same argument over and over again or is it usually something different?

LegacyUser

Hi Miss Fluff,

Not normally fighting over the same things but we usually both seem to think there is a lack of understaning the other persons point of view. We def make the same mistakes each time we argue. Its like we know the right way to do it but in the moment we can never manage. Sometimes as well one of us will say something trival without meaning anything and it seems to get taken up the wrong way. We are both guilt of that one. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this great

Miss Fluff

Advice Needed wrote: »

We def make the same mistakes each time we argue. Its like we know the right way to do it but in the moment we can never manage.

It's good that you're not having the same argument over and over again as that's just corrosive and unhealthy.

If you're aware of the mistakes you are making time and again then you need to address them head-on. So if you sense a "trigger" that will make you behave in a certain way for example then you need to consciously change how you react. Sounds like you're half-way there tbh.

I remember when I moved in with a long-term boyfriend years ago we fought like a pair of alleycats for about six solid months, I think it's natural enough to have a settling in period so I wouldn't worry about it too much, seems like you both want to make it work and that's half the battle

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice Miss Fluff. Really want this to work. I guess part of me was just worried that I can want it to work but that doesn't mean it will and that maybe the fighting was a sign we were not that compatible. Hopefully as you said though its just adjusting to living together.

Neyite

Start with a couple of easy ones -

Ban all name calling in the home. It only riles people, and you remember what you were called far longer than what the argument was about.

Ban all shouting or raised voices. If that happens, walk into another room to give yourself 5 mins then go back to the conversation.

Hear the other person out. Its about meeting in the middle, not about being right. Similarly, let the other talk, even if you disagree with what they are saying, its manners to listen to the person you love.

Never demand as a right what you can ask as a favour. Telling someone to dry the dishes will not go down as well as asking for help.

Dont tell someone else how to do the chores your way - let them do it the way that they want.

Keep the humour - instead of "you made tea for yourself, you didnt make me any, your selfish, only thinking of yourself...." say something like, "mine is in the kitchen yeah?" with a genuine smile. But dont assume you get that cup of tea - be happy the kettle is boiled.

Hope a few of these help you out.