The Talk?? Or Go with the flow??

inexperienced

I met a guy on a dating web site. Both of us are in our mid 30s.

We went on a few dates and he said he knows im serious about relationship but he's not ready and he's afraid he would hurt me.

I was a bit disappointed but I have my life to live and was fine with it. We remain friends.

We bumped into each other one day as we live closed-by. He invited me to his place for a cup of tea. Nothing really happened although there were sparks and I knew he controlled himself very much, me too.

I called over again to drop something to him. Things got physical. We were fooling around and had a bit of fun.

He offered to help me with some documents (long time ago before my 1st visit to his place) and I will call over to him again.

Do I just enjoy the time or do I need to have 'the talk' (e.g. I know no one can guarantee how a relationship pans out but I want a relationship and hopefully longterm etc bla bla bla)?

My gut instinct told me that he is a decent man and I do trust him that he would respect me. Indeed from what I feel and observe during the time we have spent together, I can feel that he treats me well. And I am quite sure he knows what I am looking for (a relationship).

But given that he once said he was not ready, I might be an idiot to get too close with him physically. I am not that kind of woman who can seperate sex and love. I havent fallen for him yet but I need to take care of myself. And if I need to bring out the topic, which is the best way to approach it?

Advice?

qwerty13

inexperienced wrote: »

We went on a few dates and he said he knows im serious about relationship but he's not ready and he's afraid he would hurt me.

And I am quite sure he knows what I am looking for (a relationship).

Did he say that he knows you are looking for a relationship, do you feel that he should know it? Not nit-picking - the difference is important!

Absolutely fair enough if he isn't ready / doesn't want a relationship - but I'm afraid I don't buy the "afraid he might hurt you", what does that even mean?! Maybe there is some circumstance of his that explains this, but from where I'm sitting it sounds like a bit of a get-out-clause kinda line!

LegacyUser

He already said he didnt want a relationship with you. He didnt make the effort to get in touch to say he's changed his mind, so my guess would be he hasnt. However he fancies you and was happy to go along with whatever happened when you bumped into each other. Since you already know he's not up for a relationship I would say he thinks you've decided your happy to fool around. Who knows it may turn into a relationship, but youve already both spoken about what you want and already confirmed its not the same thing.

seenitall

How do you reckon there is a need for a Talk, OP?

There is no need for any kind of Talk, imo, it's all crystal clear.

The guy told you he is not ready to be in a relationship (perhaps I'm just a cynical auld wan, but I automatically translate this as "I like to play the field, thank you very much") and that he's afraid that he might hurt you (I translate this as "You sure ain't gonna get what you're looking for around here").

OP, respectful or not, proceed with this "fooling around" and "having a bit of fun" at your own peril. The guy told you exactly where you're at with him (albeit in the Commitment-Phobe coded language), and I don't think you have quite heard him, tbh.

Perhaps you do need to have the Talk after all. :rolleyes:

Best wishes.

Miss Fluff

Two bits of advice from me:

1. Don't have the "talk", it's not warranted and he has said he doesn't want a relationship

2. Don't sleep with him ffs.

inexperienced

I am sure:

1. I will not sleep with him.
2. he knows I am looking for a relationship and not just fun.

After he said he's not ready. We still keep contact, go for a walk something like that as we live close by.

I decided to tell him how I feel and see about the situation now and ask him about his when I see him next time. If he goes away he goes away but I do think that it's better for me to ask, yes, maybe I need the T/talk.

Thank you guys.

Mighty_Mouse

We went on a few dates

How's it possible to even know this is a man you would fancy long-term?

Anyways, he said he's not interested. If you value he's time, approach this from a platonic friendship point-of-view. I presume it's you that initiating the physical stuff?

inexperienced

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

How's it possible to even know this is a man you would fancy long-term?

That's very true.

No one knows how things pan out. But would want to have the attitude 'right' at the beginning (not implying that the short-term attitude wrong, each to their own).

I dont think he's the playing the field type. But I do accept that I might not be the one he's looking for long term, that's why he said all that to me (he's not ready etc). He might be afraid to commit as well as I know he has never had any long-term before. Anyway, not my job to analyse him. I just want to tackle this well.

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Anyways, he said he's not interested. If you value he's time, approach this from a platonic friendship point-of-view. I presume it's you that initiating the physical stuff?

Thanks for the suggestion.

I think the physical stuff just came naturally. We were just sitting closer and closer on the sofa and all that.

you have gone on a few dates and nothing came from it?
if he was really interested he would ask you out again.

dont be the girl that just pops into see him and has a 'bit of fun' if thats not what your looking for, its very easy to fall into this.

if you want more than maybe you should detach yourself from this guy for a while, you will soon see if he is really interested or just sees you as someone handy that he just 'likes'

seenitall

inexperienced wrote: »

I just want to tackle this well.

I wish you'd understand that there is nothing in your situation with this guy for you to "tackle", OP. You want different things from each other, that much is plain as day. Why can't you chalk it up to a bad fit and move on?

I'm just a bit worried you'll get hurt if you get enmeshed with him any more, as he has already stated where he stands and is now in a perfect, guilt-free position of doing exactly as he pleases - which would leave you feeling less than happy, I'm sure.

Let's put it another way: if a nice, fanciable guy came along tomorrow and told you he'd like a relationship with you, would you even give this current interest a passing thought?

Having the Talk, i.e. making him repeat that, basically, he's not all that into you, will do nothing for your self-esteem, and will give him a nice ego-boost; sounds like "lose-lose" to me, but if you have to, you have to...

Miss Fluff

seenitall wrote: »

I wish you'd understand that there is nothing in your situation with this guy for you to "tackle", OP. You want different things from each other, that much is plain as day. Why can't you chalk it up to a bad fit and move on?

Couldn't agree more. He's categorically made it clear he's not interested in anything so I don't really understand why you are pushing for a "talk", there really is SFA to talk about it would seem. His position is crystal clear. Asking him to go through it again is going to make you look a tad desperate tbh.

inexperienced

bubblypop, thanks for your advice. I really dont want to be just a woman who is handy for him. He did want to kiss me during a night out when we were on dates but I did not response (Im kinda slow anyway) and left it at that.

seenitall, thanks for your concern. I can see that you are thinking for me. I worry too that's why I think I need to talk with him. TBH, I dont think telling him what I am thinking/ feeling is an ego-boost for him, I see it as telling him what I am thinking/feeling. If he is happy to know that someone wants him, let him happy with that. No problems. I am not having very high esteem, but my confidence does not depend on acceptance or rejection from a man I like.

inexperienced

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Asking him to go through it again is going to make you look a tad desperate tbh.

I am quite sure he wont see me as desperate.

And if he does, he does. I am not.

Miss Fluff

inexperienced wrote: »

I am quite sure he wont see me as desperate.

And if he does, he does. I am not.

I'm sure you're not. But you are continuing to go around and visit his house. First to drop something into him and now you're proposing to have him help you with some documents. He said he is not interested so what are you hoping to achieve by going around there and then hoping to have a "talk" when there is very clearly nothing to talk about?

inexperienced

He offered to help with the documents when we were on dates. Not me who proposed it. I was more than delighted to accept it because I need help and I like him.

I think I just hope to make it clear to him that I get physical with him because I like him but not because I just want to have a bit of fun with a randomer. I would hope he would want to try with a 'right' attitude even though no one knows how the future pans out and that it may be better to stop the physical stuff for both of us iif this is not what he wants.

I think he knows, but just to make it clear again. Maybe I got him saying the same stuff again (I aint ready bla bla bla), that's fine.

Trial and error and all that.

S23

I'll have to agree with Miss Fluff and Seenitall here. Why are you so desperate, and desperate is what I'm getting from you on here, to have some deep and meaningful talk with this guy?

You've already done it. He's already got his excuses in (excuses that if you actually listened to them speak volumes about him but thats another story) and made it clear that he doesn't desire what you want from a relationship and is not willing to give it to you.

You tried to remain friends which in some cases is fair enough. It seems to me that because you kept hanging around him and eventually consented to have sex with him you somehow think things have changed? Why would you think you agreeing to have a ONS/casual sex with him would change anything?

Do I just enjoy the time or do I need to have 'the talk'

That was your intial question. Enjoy the time (if you are capable of it) is my answer to it. It is what it is. Nothing more or less. You seem to be a bit desperate for this to be something more. He's made his position abundantly clear. However you've had sex with him, despite knowing where he stands, and you seem to think that changes things.

I am not that kind of woman who can seperate sex and love.

I hate to sound harsh but this is your problem, not his. Plenty of people have sex for fun, for its own sake, for quick gratification etc... you not being able to seperate sex from love isn't anything got to do with his approach to it.

If you didn't want to have meaningless or casual sex outside of a committed relationship or a loving relationship you shouldn't have had sex with this guy. I really think you're trying to attach signifcance to you two shagging that isn't there.

I really, really think you should let it lie because, despite the brave front you're putting on it, I get a serious undercurrent of you being like to be badly hurt if this doesn't pan out the way you want it to

inexperienced

if he repeats himself again, I will stop the physical stuff. Anyway, I might be moving soon (not because of him) with the documents finished as well, so less likely I would visit his place.

tks you guys for the advice. At least i know how people think about this.

inexperienced

? Just to clear, I did not have sex with him. We just got physical.

I am quite sure I would not have sex with anyone who I dont love or who does not love me.

THANKS anyway.

seenitall

I now get where you're coming from, OP.

I now think that the best thing for you to do would be to have that Talk, actually. Certainly much, much better than the alternative of "going with the flow".

A lot of people need to have things spelled out for them, and some people even need to have things spelled out for them twice.

Your username is very apt, if I may say so. But it won't be the case forever!

Best wishes for the future.

S23

inexperienced wrote: »

? Just to clear, I did not have sex with him. We just got physical.

I am quite sure I would not have sex with anyone who I dont love or who does not love me.

THANKS anyway.

Apologies. 'Got physical' is a fairly euphemistic term and, in my case, I interpreted it as sex.

I can see seenitalls new stance and why that might be one way of looking at it. In my book, if you could be moving away and you've only had a fumble about with this guy there is even less need. The only way this talk is any use to you is if you learn something from it. That something would be to not attach such significance to fleeting, mildy sexual encounters IMO.

Best of luck OP

inexperienced

seenitall, ha, yes, that's why I asked here. I am really inexperienced and that I need things to spell it out twice to stop being stupid (seriously).

let me hit the wall, no big deal, it's just an honest conversation from my point of view. I will still be fine. It's a lesson to learn.

Miss Fluff

seenitall wrote: »

IA lot of people need to have things spelled out for them, and some people even need to have things spelled out for them twice.

Your username is very apt, if I may say so. But it won't be the case forever!

A swift U-turn from me as well. Seems like the OP needs to be told yet again and in no uncertain terms that he's simply not interested.

On a parting note, what I will say OP, is that it's clear from what you've told us and indeed from the nature of your posts, that you don't actually LISTEN to people. You seem determined to follow your own path and that's cool. But, in my experience however if you really listen to other people and listen carefully enough, you will normally hear what they are actually saying to you.

Mighty_Mouse

It's quite clear you know you want.
You understand what you need from a man for relationship happiness.
It seems like you've made a valid effort to win this guy romantically but he's not matching up to these expectations.

Who know's his reasons............
It's possible that if he is permanently single, he has some major issues with commitment. ...........Maybe he doesn't want to bother as you are leaving soon......... Maybe he is prioritising work......... Maybe he just doesn't fancy you enough............
The only way to find out is to figure out what makes him tick. You could do this by developing a friendship over-time. Worst case scenario you gain a mate.

Honestly, I wouldn't approach him with yes/no relationship questions again.

IrishEyes19

Heya, OP, I think from an outside perspective, this man enjoys your company, knows you are a nice woman, kind, and likes you, but in no way wants a serious relationship with you. I know thats harsh, but its best to take the hint now before you fall for him and he breaks your heart later.

If he is already telling you this now, he wont change his mind, people very rarely do, Ive seen similiar cases except the people were sleeping together and having a casual relationship, but one person was far more involved and got used and terribly hurt in the end.

My advice would be to get out of this now before it becomes too much.

inexperienced

hiya guys, tks for your concern.

we did talk about it last night. he initiated the talk though.

after talking with you guys and my friend. i had another thought myself, i changed my mind and thought maybe it's better just to let it go as i might be moving anyway (but im not leaving ireland, just moving to another part of the same county). so i agreed that's no point to talk about it.

so, anyway, he initiated the talk as he thought we needed to talk about it. he kinda worried that i got hurt or what, which i did not for what we did the day (although i am inexperienced but im a mature woman that i take my own responsibility for every behaviour of my own). he knew i got intimate with him because i like him and he knew i am inexperienced every way. anyway, he said that he likes me and really is attracted to me but he found himself got bored with the same woman after a while and he is learning to be a nice guy but he does not know whether the same would happen again on me if we start a relationship. so he prefers not to hurt me (my extra interpretation: and also he can still be free then to play around....:rolleyes: and that i am not the one for him)! we agreed to stay friends, but no visit of his place any more and no initimate physical contact.

i think it's a nice lesson to learn and of course, i would then keep looking...:D

tks!

seenitall

inexperienced wrote: »

he found himself got bored with the same woman after a while and he is learning to be a nice guy but he does not know whether the same would happen again on me if we start a relationship. so he prefers not to hurt me (my extra interpretation: and also he can still be free then to play around....:rolleyes: and that i am not the one for him)! we agreed to stay friends, but no visit of his place any more and no initimate physical contact.

i think it's a nice lesson to learn and of course, i would then keep looking...:D

tks!

Yup, OP. Everything in order and just like I told you, except you didn't want to believe me he was the "play the field" type - from now on I hope you will have confidence enough to draw on your experience if/when a guy comes up with "not ready for a relationship", "don't want to hurt you" commitment-phobe code!

inexperienced

seenitall, always remember i am INEXPERIENCED.

well, to be fair, he is a gentleman to me and treats me with respect.

and im glad we had the talk.

Eve_Dublin

Horrible position to be in, OP. I was seeing a guy for about 5 months...spent lots of time together and essentially acted like boyfriend and girlfriend but without the tag. Decided after 5 months (I'm an idiot for having left it so long) to have a talk with him about it. He told me he didn't want a relationship with anyone (he's 45 , I'm 31 and he's decided to stay single for the rest of his life, apparently...keep playing the field...). That was last year and I got some good advice here (best being from Seenitall) that made me finally cop on and leave the situation. I know it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're actually IN the situation yourself and you try to convince yourself everything is fine but I'd take the advice if people are giving it to you repeatedly and who've been there, done that. It's tough though I know.


Anyway, lesson learned and lucky for you it was early on before you fell for this guy (unlike me ). If a man says he's not interested in a relationship, he's not interested in a relationship with you. Simple as that. You live and learn. I've met someone since who DOES want a relationship and told me that immediately. Hang on for that, OP. Don't accept second best.