Make or break time - seem to be heading for the latter

LegacyUser

So yesterday was my 6th anniversary and I spent it in tears. He was parked in front of the tv with his feet on the table while I spent the evening doing the dishes and he was happy out. For me however, it summed up exactly what this relationship has become. I don't think either of us are very happy in this relationship and it is becoming more and more obvious that he doesn't want what I want. I'm 28, he's 29 and we've been living together for almost 5 years.

We're completely stuck in a rut. I genuinely think that if we broke up he wouldn't even notice the difference. I don't think he cares anymore and I feel like I'm just an irritation to him. He's always been so happy to just coast along and not think about anything in the future and I don't think I can do that anymore. I've recently brought up marriage and he won't even talk about it. He just fobs me off. Neither of us are exactly raking in the money at the moment but he knows that I have never wanted a big wedding. I'd be happy with the two of us in a regsitry office with two witnesses off the street. Its supposed to be about us afterall. I ask him if it's something that he wants and I get a mumbled "yeah". I ask if he has any idea of when he'd like to make that step and I get "I dunno..." I'd marry him tomorrow. Because I love him more than anything in the world. I think he does want to get married someday but I don't think he wants to marry me. I've told him that I definitely want to have children in the next 3 or 4 years. That tends to illicit the mumbled "yeah, I know.." There's never any confirmation that he wants the same thing. I just don't know what to do.

I hear about these couples who spend 5 or 6 years together and then break up. I really feel like thats going to be us and I don't know what to do. I feel like things are unravelling.

solerina

It sounds like ye are totally stuck in a rut, ye definately need to sit down and have a serious honest chat with each other.
Ye have been together a long time and maybe this relationship has run its course but to find out you need to talk to each other.
Im worried that you say you would marry him in the morning and yet spent your 6th anniversary crying, he should know that this date is important to you and at the very least make some small effort to keep you happy....maybe he is not the one for you OP

Neyite

I think its time for The Chat, to be honest. After 6 years you deserve to know that the relationship that both of you are in is heading in a direction you both what it to go.

I was 29 when I met my partner, 30 when we moved in together, and I was extremely clear that if we were moving in together that it was that he saw marriage and kids and a life together with me. If that was not part of his overall plan, then that was fine, but I needed to know. I did explain that I had a certain window of time to make my dreams (children) come true, and if he didnt see that with me then it was time for us to call it a day. I gave him about a week to think about it, but I was prepared to walk away if he did not seem me as 'forever-material'

I think you need to do this - It really might be make or break, but wouldnt you rather know? I knew that I already wanted to marry my partner back then, and I knew that it would hurt me no end to get over him if we split, but I could not gamble on the few years I had left to have kids. They are only 'The One if they want the same things that you do.

dan_d

To be honest, that was my approach too.
We bought a house a couple of years ago and it came with a large caveat...you've got X period of time to do your thing, and after that I will walk away.
He knows I'm a determined person - I don't say things like that lightly. And he did propose several months ago. It's what we both want - what we always wanted - but I wasn't prepared to wait around forever.
Thing is OP, guys just don't think like that. They don't have to. For a lot of men, it takes a bit of prodding from their other halves before they stand up and go and do something about it. That's ok. Women have to think about the time period when it comes to this kind of thing.
So yup - you need to have a chat with him on this one.A very,very serious one. Because if he's wasting your time, you need to know that.

I am a friend

I don't agree with the abOve poster AT ALL!!! Marriage is a partnership and should not be entered into on foot of a threat or ultimatum.

It's important to let your OH know what you want out of life but it's a foolish individual who enters into a marriage with a partner who is (probably) only bowing down to an ultimatum.

IMHO the high level of affairs, separations etc is down to people getting forced to get married.... Why would you want to marry someone who is only doing it under pressure and even if he reassured you he 'wants it', I would always have a doubt if I had given him an ultimatum.

Op tell him what you want and give yourself an internal timelimit for him to propose or move on.

Never ever marry someone who has to be talked into it...

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

I don't agree with the abOve poster AT ALL!!! Marriage is a partnership and should not be entered into on foot of a threat or ultimatum.

I agree with that poster. She let him know exactly what she wanted, it was his decision to stay or walk away. He obviously decided to stay. It's be a different scenario if she told him you have to marry me or else (ie no option to walk away).

I think there are far too many cases of women being scared of mentioning marriage or babies for fear of being seen as a nutjob or a nag. If you're with a man who doesn't understand that you only have a certain amount of time to carry children and give birth, and who fobs you off with 'yeah..maybe', you'd have to have a serious think about how selfish he's being. Stringing you along with 'yeah maybe' is extremely self absorbed. If he doesn't want children/marriage he should say it and let you go free to find someone who wants the same things as you do.

I don't understand how any man can do the 'yeah maybe' routine with a woman he supposedly loves! Sorry OP, but your boyfriend sounds like a jerk!

I am a friend

Them buying a house was conditional on him marrying her within her timescales. That's hardly free will....

How many guys are going to fight the 'progress' of the relationship once they have a house bought and are tied into that agreement..

I clearly stated my view that you should tell your oh what you want but never to demand it / bargain for it and to move out of the relationship if he doesn't want what you want..

I would have too much pride in myself to beg/ issue ultimatums/ threats/ conditions.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Them buying a house was conditional on him marrying her within her timescales. That's hardly free will....

How many guys are going to fight the 'progress' of the relationship once they have a house bought and are tied into that agreement..

It was still his decision to put his name on the mortgage. If he didn't want what she offered, he could walk away.

And as for fighting the progress, what are those guys doing with girlfriends in the first place? If men like that want cast iron guarantees that they won't have to have children or get married at some point in the future, they'll either have to find a woman who shares their vision, or become a bachelor. No point in complaining that they were 'trapped'-it's not the other half's responsibility to ensure that their partner is getting what they want from a relationship.

I just think that there's no room for wishy washy conversations when there's something as important as your future at stake (goes for men and women). It has to be all out on the table, in plain black and white. Otherwise cracks will appear further down the line.

Neyite

I am a friend wrote: »

Them buying a house was conditional on him marrying her within her timescales. That's hardly free will...

Pfft...It is free will - He had a choice before he signed on the dotted line. I'm sure he's a big lad and could think for himself. And he probably had a think about it and decided he did want to get married within the proposed timescale.

Thats not an ultimatum. Its being honest about what you want and giving the other person time to consider if its what they want too. If they dont, well, they know where the door is.

Pretty much like you described here:

wrote:

I clearly stated my view that you should tell your oh what you want but never to demand it / bargain for it and to move out of the relationship if he doesn't want what you want..