What did I do wrong

texthimornot

Hi
I am a single lady in her early 30's. I recently met a guy and went on a few dates together - we were getting on great. Last night we slept together for the first time. Before last night happened he had invited me to a house party at his friends house this coming weekend and offered that I could stay in his house - so we had been making plans for the near future.....
We have been texting every day since we met always joking and light hearted and usually he would text before I even got the chance to initiate a text although i did initiate a few.
The thing is since last night happened he didnt text me today at all which is unusual. He finishes up work early but I gave him a frew hours just in case had something on. I texted him earlier and I got a very snooty message back saying he was busy with work stuff - thats the first time he has ever mentioned working at home as he simply said there is never need. I wrote back saying better not be annoying you if your busy and got another snooty text back so then i said bye chat later so and nothing back. This is so out of character for him as he is a real texter - worse than me.
I think the problem is this - last night we slept together twice and I didnt have the big "O" either time. To be honest I was nervous. No other reason. After the second time he asked do I not have one the whole time and asked what could he do - I said i had a great time and that often it didnt happen every time. Perhaps he was offended but i completely played it down. There didnt seem to be problem last night but there is a definite coolness today. I am starting to like hiim and i hope our plan for the weekend still stands and its killing me wondering now if he was upset over last night or that he is gone now that he got his bit. Even last night when i left he seemed fine- this coolness stqarted today.The mood has totally changed in the texts tonight. Should I leave texting til tomorrow and ask if i did something wrong and ask about weekend and if its still going ahead - what do you think??? I would really appreciate some advice as I like this guy and dont want to mess things up by making the wrong move, by being paramoid or by not reassuringhim but i dont know what the next move should be.
Thanks so much for your advice or opinions

Kalimah

He sounds like an ass to be honest. The first time with anyone is never earth shattering! Why is he with you at all if all he wants is for him to press buttons and you light up like a Christmas tree? You're not some robot. It's his fault not yours so I wouldn't ring or text or run after him.

MrMojoRising

Why didn't you just fake it??

fits

STOP THINKING. Seriously, go out and do something else and forget about him for a bit. I know its easier said than done. But you're overthinking things.

He'll get in touch if things are right. If they're wrong you'll know. Dont text him.

texthimornot

because just as things were getting going they had to stop if you know what i mean.... didnt get chance to!

MrMojoRising

texthimornot wrote: »

because just as things were getting going they had to stop if you know what i mean.... didnt get chance to!

Ah right. Well, I dunno. Maybe he's a bit embarassed, but he'll get over it!
Maybe just give him some space for now.

Tuesday_Girl

What would faking it achieve? If you start off lying about how it was for you you're just creating problems which will surface further down the line when you have to tell him that you've been faking.

texthimornot

i hadnt really planned on faking it to be honest as i agree with you whats the point?! the mood change is just so bizarre. Could understand the mood change last night but not today. He even referred to the weekend again last night as i left and then all of a sudden snotty messages today. Perhaps he has been talking to some of the lads since.....!!

texthimornot

its just so hard to know how to play things -came from a very long relationship that didnt work out for mutual reasons. Last person I dated was a long time friend who i thought respected me. I didnt sleep with him after a few dates and he ended it for what i know was that reason. now i meet someone else that i like, dont sleep with him immediatley but do sleep with him a lot sooner than i would have in the past and and it still I cant do the right thing. Thanks everyone for your advice i really appreciate it - suppose ill just sit tight and see what happens

Mighty_Mouse

Ok so it's the start of a relationship.
Things are still new. It's very very early stage. You don't know each other’s habits.
The guy doesn't respond to a text and immediately you are concerned enough to seek advice on boards. I'm not saying you shouldn't post here if feeling anxious.
I'm thinking it's indicative to a level of intensity you are bringing to this relationship.
Immediately you wonder if the relationship over & party plans cancelled.
You are reading too much into every little detail.

I wrote back saying better not be annoying you if your busy

Apologising in case you need to apologise?
Take his response at face value. If he has a problem trust him to tell you. Try and keep problem-solving to a face-to-face encounters.
Chill out. Sit back. Enjoy getting to know each other.

He finishes up work early but I gave him a frew hours just in case had something on

Are you sure he enjoys this level of texting? Sounds pretty intense for a guy.
Most blokes I know over 30 are not texters.
It's likely he feels a little odd after the "big o" chat last night. But his concerns can be easily sorted next time ye meet in person.

p by making the wrong move, by being paramoid or by not reassuringhim but i dont know what the next move should be

Paranoid eh?

Perhaps he has been talking to some of the lads since.....!!

t still I cant do the right thing.

It's not about moves which make him like you. Be yourself & let the relationship take care of itself.

suppose ill just sit tight and see what happens

It's only 6 hours since he last texted!!

LegacyUser

maybe have more foreplay ?

see if he would go down on you, even if he took a quick break inbetween strokes if u know wot i mean. sometimes i have same problem but i go down on my gf to make up the difference to space things out so to say.

And we both get our satisfaction.

Miss Fluff

Please do not text him again. You've texted him enough already and he knows where you are. Keep your dignity woman, he hasn't suddenly lost your number.

Forget about the weekend plans.

texthimornot wrote: »

Even last night when i left he seemed fine- this coolness stqarted today

You've mentioned a couple of times that you left "last night" as well as sleeping with him for the first time last night. Am curious as to what happened. Did you shag and he asked you to leave because he had an early start (:rolleyes:) or did you leave of your own volition? Seems very very odd to me that you'd be getting on great with someone for ages, finally get round to doing the deed and then not spending the night together tbh

Kimia

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Please do not text him again. You've texted him enough already and he knows where you are. Keep your dignity woman, he hasn't suddenly lost your number.

Forget about the weekend plans.



You've mentioned a couple of times that you left "last night" as well as sleeping with him for the first time last night. Am curious as to what happened. Did you shag and he asked you to leave because he had an early start (:rolleyes:) or did you leave of your own volition? Seems very very odd to me that you'd be getting on great with someone for ages, finally get round to doing the deed and then not spending the night together tbh

Miss Fluff, I had to quote this because I laughed out loud when I read the second paragraph with the roll eyes.

OP, bide your time and see where this goes but I would be well annoyed if he started getting narky with me over such nonsense!

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

ppink

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

+1

OP you are 30 not 13, just ask him out straight if you have done something to offend him as he seems a bit "off" with you. There is no point in you sitting at home trying to "figure" him out like a teenager.

Maybe he is upset he did not satisfy you....and embarassed??

dont ever go down that crazy road of faking it either, why would anyone do that

I am a friend

Op am sorry you are upset like this... It can be very hard to gauge if / when you should sleep with a new guy as I believe it can make me/ women (apologies for generalisation) more vulnerable after we sleep with them. I worry that he got what he wanted and maybe is happy with that and not to take it any further.

Don't keep texting him. Let him come find you if he wants to and go out and enjoy this fab day.

Miss Fluff

I am a friend wrote: »

Don't keep texting him. Let him come find you if he wants to and go out and enjoy this fab day.

+1. Let him contact you OP.

IrishEyes19

It would be riddiculous for the OP to fake it, especially if theres no sexual chemistry and in the long run she grows to like him but he thinks they are sexually compatible.

But I'd give him a chance to get back to you and I wouldnt ask him if you did anything to offend him. Thats just a turn off, if he doesnt get back to you at all, Id let him off to his own devices. As another poster said, make plans for the weekend if he doesnt get in touch and its very bad form if he doesnt in my opinion

LegacyUser

+1 to you shouldn't be reading too much into him not sending texts. You barely know him, why is a virtual stranger so important to you?

It can be a bit scary when you're in your early thirties, and all your friends have partners. I know 'cos I've been there and bought the t shirt. At the time it seemed that all the nice, decent, sane men had emigrated, or were sucked into a black hole!!!

+1 also to getting out and enjoying the sunshine. Stop wondering and worrying about a man you barely know. Plenty of decent men out there : )

I am a friend

Yeah agreed - if he doesnt get back to you then just let him off... You dont want the type of guy who sleeps with you and then doesnt have the manners (when ye have been dating) not to let you down face to face...

texthimornot

so here is the update anyway.... he texted and asked if i would like to call and watch a movie in his place. I did and we got some food and we had a few drinks but he didnt touch me for the entire 4-5 hours we sat on the sofa - no holding hands literally no physical contact. Then he announced do you want to go to bed as it was late. One thing led to another and probably stupidly of me we slept together. Then he slept for the entire night and didnt touch me and offered me breakfast next morn and i left and he gave me a quick kiss goodbye! This is going to sound terrible but i know for a fact he has not had a date in a long time - several months. I probably have been holding back a little (he instigates everything) do ya think he thinks i am being cool with him or does he really not give a cr*p about me. If it was just sex he was after we have had lots of oppiortunities that we could have done it and we didnt. It doesnt seem to be just sex he is after is he just clueless or what do you make of the situation. No follow up plans suggested either so ill have to hold out and wait and see what happens i suppose. This guy is hard work and hard to work out....I know most of you wa will say just forget him but i do want to give it shot and give it a chance at least if possible as we do have a great laugh in between these complicated eposides! I appreciate your thoughts and thanks again

I am a friend

Well my 2c - I do think he I'd just after sex. He didn't ask you out on a date, he brought you to his place where he didn't touch you until you got into bed. It's hardly romantic.

Tread carefully IMHO

Contessa Raven

texthimornot wrote: »

No follow up plans suggested either so ill have to hold out and wait and see what happens i suppose. This guy is hard work and hard to work out....

What's wrong with you asking him out? Why must you wait for him to make plans?

If he hasn't had a date in a while then he's probably just as nervous as you about how things are progressing. If I was seeing someone, and it was left up to me to make all the plans, I'd get fed up pretty quickly. It would seem like the other person wasn't interested. IMO, that could be why he is cool with you.

I think you should be the one to make the plans this time. Invite him over for dinner or out for a drink. Nothing to lose. If he declines then you have your answer and you won't be waiting around for him.

keanooo

Contessa Raven wrote: »

What's wrong with you asking him out? Why must you wait for him to make plans?

If he hasn't had a date in a while then he's probably just as nervous as you about how things are progressing. If I was seeing someone, and it was left up to me to make all the plans, I'd get fed up pretty quickly. It would seem like the other person wasn't interested. IMO, that could be why he is cool with you.

I think you should be the one to make the plans this time. Invite him over for dinner or out for a drink. Nothing to lose. If he declines then you have your answer and you won't be waiting around for him.

Some girls really do not understand men.

keanooo

keanooo wrote: »

Some girls really do not understand men.

I'm curious what this is to mean

keanooo

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm curious what this is to mean

There has been a lot of good advice given to the OP on this thread. Take a bow Kalimah, fits, sunflower, Miss Fluff (v. good) etc.

I don't see how it could be anymore obvious - from the OP's account - that yer man is a dick, that he is only interested in having sex and that he has no affection for her whatsoever. On that basis how can Contessa be advising her to invite him "out for dinner" or "over for a drink". And that she has "nothing to lose" (but her self-worth). Come on...

Ravo, do you want her to pay for his cab over and back too?

LegacyUser

This reminds me a bit of a "thing" I once had with a lad as well. My self-esteem was low at the time and because he gave me some sort of attention, I ended up having sex with him pretty quickly. We did meet up a few times but really there was nothing there apart from the sex thing. I cringe when I think of arriving to his house, sitting on the sofa watching TV and no physical affection at all until we went up to his room.

texthimornot

Thanks everyone for going to the effort to advise me and to reply. Held out and didnt text tonight - was expecting a text since he usually does text at some stage in the day and anyway i did instigate the last one and heard nothing. thats the first time since i met him that we have gone that long without a text. he did offer to cook for me last night but i said take away handier and he did invite me to a party with his friends over weekend but cos i was busy i suggested just meeting up last night instead. He also suggested cinema during week but due to my work times i couldnt. In hind sight perhaps i may have been a little harsh and maybe painted a worse picture of him than is real. Its only as i type it i realise maybe i have been a bit harsh on him. I still feel he shoud have texted today but maybe he feels same and maybe he feels as hurt and used as i do ???

TommyTippee

I've done this in the past as a man.

Basically you keep seeing the woman until you have sex. If it's a bit disappointing, then you leave it at that.

It's really awful behaviour and I regret it, but that's what happens.

I'd say forget him and move on. If he wanted to see you again, you'd have heard by now.

fghijkl

4-5 hours we sat on the sofa - no holding hands literally no physical contact. Then he announced do you want to go to bed as it was late. One thing led to another and probably stupidly of me we slept together. Then he slept for the entire night and didnt touch me

OP from everything you've written this is the one thing that jumped out at me.
IMHO you can analyse texts, conversations etc to death, but if theres one thing i've learned from dating it's that lack of physical contact is never ever a good sign. I mean look at it this way OP if that is how sex with him is and is initiated now, in the beginning of your relationship, what the hell will it be like in a years time?!! *alarm bells*

Actions speak louder than words. When you're really into someone and them you, you want to touch them, it's almost an automatic impulsive reaction.

OP i'd just leave him be, it honestly sounds like he just wants sex. My guess re: the orgasm comment, is that he wanted some no strings sex but now realises that you don't cum as easily as he'd like, and it now seems like too much effort/hard work for him (i really don't mean that as an insult to you at all op)

It's such early days he should want to touch you and be affectionate but instead he's being cold and aloof. If it's this much work and head wrecking, not to mention "cold", after a few dates then run for the hills would be my advice.

I am a friend

Op listen to the advice you are being given from people who have lived life. Don't contact him. Let him do a bit of chasing for a while but make sure you can distinguish between chasing for a shag or contact cos he wants to see you.

If he asks you out again why not go on A date and head home afterwards without having sex. You will soon find out if he is interested in you.

LegacyUser

OP, the actions of this man are not the actions of man who is into you (from the way you describe it). He seems to be blowing hot and cold.

When you're with a guy who really likes you, there's no second guessing or uncertainty. A guy who likes you makes sure that he treats you well, because he wants to hold on to you.

Forget about the man you're with, he's hard work. You really don't need inconsistency in a relaitonship, it's headwrecking!

texthimornot

yeah your right. heard nothing again today in form of a text but just been on facebook and he spotted i was there and he instigated a chat before i even saw he was logged on. he talked about his day, my day stuff on tv then said he was going to logg off to go somewhere and he was gone no bye xx anything - cheek of him! he said he logged on in the hope of catching me as he cant spend any more of the company money on text messages as if! I know he will be on later and ill prob end up chatting to him again. I am so tempeted to say something along the lines of things didnt really work out betweeen and maybe its better if we dont keep in contact us just to judge his reaction.... I cant believe he is being so aloof - his details are deleated from my phone so cant make contact even if i wanted but just feel how dare he come on and chat on a social network site like nothing happened! I am really angry now - like i had turned the other cheek and forgotten about him til this happened but now i feel why shouldnt i let him away with it and at least say something ...in know all of your are going to say forget him but i need to say something to him i am so angry why should he get away with it ..... and he hadnt logged off at all i can see he is still there - what a liar i am furious

I am a friend

What is he gettin away With??? You voluntarily slept with him before you had 'the chat'.

Don't log on later - why feed his ego by asking him what he is up to with you? Blank him, put it down to experience and don't meet him again. In fairness to him he has done nothing wrong other than only be out for the shag...

Chin up and that means not asking him any questions or looking for any answers. this guy is a player full stop...

texthimornot

i meant getting away with pretending nothing happened between us and making no reference to our last meeting like "had nice time must do it again" etc etc if he doesnt want to meet again if even for sex and nothing then what sort of a game is he playing by sending me messages like that when he doesnt even have decency to text?? Thats what i meant by getting away wit it. but your right should just blank him prob annoy him more than saying something to him will. thanks

Fittle

Delete him from fb OP. He is obviously not that into you anymore (now that he's gotten what he wanted:rolleyes:) and just hadn't got the gumption to tell you. You're right to be annoyed at him, but I wouldn't bother with him anymore if I was you. Learn from this experience and move on. Best of luck OP.

I am a friend

texthimornot wrote: »

i meant getting away with pretending nothing happened between us and making no reference to our last meeting like "had nice time must do it again" etc etc if he doesnt want to meet again if even for sex and nothing then what sort of a game is he playing by sending me messages like that when he doesnt even have decency to text?? Thats what i meant by getting away wit it. but your right should just blank him prob annoy him more than saying something to him will. thanks

Block him and take the control back. It's a harsh lesson but I have been there, withdrew all indications I was interested in him and he still, to this day, texts trying to meet up. I don't entertain him at all...

Put it down to experience and let him off.

Fittle

I am a friend wrote: »

Block him and take the control back. It's a harsh lesson but I have been there, withdrew all indications I was interested in him and he still, to this day, texts trying to meet up. I don't entertain him at all...

Put it down to experience and let him off.

I have a similar situation going on - was treated pretty similarly to the OP and questioned myself for a few weeks (I let it go on a bit longer than I should have, in hindsight)...when I deleted and blocked him, he began the incessant texting again, claiming I'd gotten it all wrong:rolleyes:. He still texts me on and off (this happened over a year ago)....Edit; This is insane, he just text me again this minute, despite the fact that I haven't replied to his previous six or seven texts!!

Miss Fluff

This is clearly a non-runner OP. From your very limited contact and dealings with this guy (bar shagging him) he's done nothing to suggest he is actually interested in you and you seem to be going from one headwreck to the next.

Just block him on Facebook and stop feeding it further by even bothering to talk to him anymore. Your wasting your time. If he was interested you'd know about it, he's clearly not.

keanooo

If you're still undecided as to whether or not he likes you, it might be worthwhile pushing the boat out a little. Set up an Event page on facebook called "Party for people who really fancy me at my place". Only invite him and see if he selects "attending" or "not attending". That should put an end to any doubts you have.

Note: If you are "awaiting reply" after 3 days send him a text to remind him that you've invited him.

Otis Driftwood

Keanooo,while your particular brand of humour may be appreciated elsewhere,it is neither appreciated nor welcome here.Please take the time to read the charter.If you cannot abide by it then your access here will be removed.

littlefriend

texthimornot wrote: »

he did offer to cook for me last night but i said take away handier and he did invite me to a party with his friends over weekend but cos i was busy i suggested just meeting up last night instead. He also suggested cinema during week but due to my work times i couldnt.

texthimornot wrote: »

yeah your right. heard nothing again today in form of a text but just been on facebook and he spotted i was there and he instigated a chat before i even saw he was logged on. he talked about his day, my day stuff on tv then said he was going to logg off to go somewhere and he was gone no bye xx anything - cheek of him! he said he logged on in the hope of catching me as he cant spend any more of the company money on text messages as if!

texthimornot wrote: »

i meant getting away with pretending nothing happened between us

Give the guy a break. He suggested 3 things for you to do that didn't involve sex and you knocked back each one. Maybe he can't use his phone much. Lots of ppl communicate through facebook now, maybe he is one of them.

Seriously, I think you need to chill out a bit. Do you even like him - why don't you think about that rather than having fights with him in your head over nothing. Its early days - let things develop naturally for a bit and then see what the situation is, there is no point in forcing anything.

I am a friend

If he has a phone and he has Internet then he has access to free web texts..

dixiefly

I couldnt disagree more with Little friend. I am a guy and believe me if he was into you he would be making more of an effort. I would just ignore him from now on. Dont delete him off FB but dont reply in future and log on / off when it suits you.

Best of luck.

fghijkl

he said he logged on in the hope of catching me as he cant spend any more of the company money on text messages as if!

the company phone? Surely he has his own personal phone?
Also every phone company gives you free web texts anyway
Are you saying you only have/had the number of his work phone??!!

i meant getting away with pretending nothing happened between us and making no reference to our last meeting like "had nice time must do it again" etc etc

Op i'm sorry i don't really understand your anger towards this guy, you've only been on a few dates with him, i'm sorry but he doesn't owe you anything, he certainly doesn't have to justify sleeping with you or thank you for it or for the date, yeah most guys would send a nice text out of basic manners, but (as harsh as this sounds) while i know it feels a bit crap to be used but in fairness you are/were both consenting adults, he doesn't "owe" you anything.

I also don't understand why you call him a liar?

if he doesnt want to meet again if even for sex and nothing then what sort of a game is he playing by sending me messages like that when he doesnt even have decency to text??

Ego boost i'd imagine.

OP i think you're investing far too much anger and wasting energy on someone you only went on a few dates with. I'd just delete him on facebook and forget about him to be honest, it all sounds head wrecking and dodgy as hell. He obviously gets a kick out of still having a hold over you and being able to draw you into conversations when he's treated you like cr*p, so personally i'd stop giving him that kick by pandering to him to be honest, and just ignore him.

ppink

fghijkl wrote: »

the company phone? Surely he has his own personal phone?
Also every phone company gives you free web texts anyway
Are you saying you only have/had the number of his work phone??!!


Op i'm sorry i don't really understand your anger towards this guy, you've only been on a few dates with him, i'm sorry but he doesn't owe you anything, he certainly doesn't have to justify sleeping with you or thank you for it or for the date, yeah most guys would send a nice text out of basic manners, but (as harsh as this sounds) while i know it feels a bit crap to be used but in fairness you are/were both consenting adults, he doesn't "owe" you anything.

I also don't understand why you call him a liar?

Ego boost i'd imagine.

OP i think you're investing far too much anger and wasting energy on someone you only went on a few dates with. I'd just delete him on facebook and forget about him to be honest, it all sounds head wrecking and dodgy as hell. He obviously gets a kick out of still having a hold over you and being able to draw you into conversations when he's treated you like cr*p, so personally i'd stop giving him that kick by pandering to him to be honest, and just ignore him.

I have several friends (female too!!) that have only work phones and yes they are restricted from using them too much.

Free web texts--I never heard of them. either have any of my family or friends!!! so maybe this guy never heard of them either??

As Littlefriend quotes above he has asked her out 3 times that she refused.

So he logged off and never said goodbye......is that a big deal?

Fittle

ppink wrote: »

I have several friends (female too!!) that have only work phones and yes they are restricted from using them too much.

Free web texts--I never heard of them. either have any of my family or friends!!! so maybe this guy never heard of them either??

I know nobody that has a work phone ONLY and every single person I know has heard of free webtexts from my 9yr old son to my 72yr old neighbour!
He only wants sex OP - if that's what you want too, then go for it. If it's not, move on.

Firetrap

I just get the impression that this guy isn't all that keen on the OP but perhaps stringing her along until something better comes along. The clincher was the Facebook incident. Talk about a load of bullcr@p. If for some very bizarre reason the not texting from his work phone story was true and that he had no phone of his own, he could have made contact with her some other way.

amdublin

ppink wrote: »

I have several friends (female too!!) that have only work phones and yes they are restricted from using them too much.

Free web texts--I never heard of them. either have any of my family or friends!!! so maybe this guy never heard of them

Anyone I know who who has a work ph:
They either have their own ph also.
Or they use the work ph for personal texts, no issue.

Welcome to the 21st century! Check out web texts and spread the news to all ur f&f while your at

Op I'd question his statement about no more texts on his work ph: either he's fibbing and just wasn't bothered. Or he's a serious texter (to other people, not you) and has used up his texts...

Forget him!! His loss!!

ppink

I can safely say with every single job I have had I never had 2 phones and I know nobody with 2 phones, unless they have a secret lover.

I dunno about web texts as I have no idea how they work and neither does anyone I know!

Questioning him about no more texts on his work phone.......seriously??. That is very needy.

Whether he is interested or not, this all seems like too much game playing and drama for the two of them to work out anyway, in all honesty. Best for both of them to just leave it and move on