daughter problems

dolittle

my daughter has really changed in the last year and a half
she is nearly 16
her grades dropped from A`s and B`s to D`s and E`s, no matter what i try to do she wont study, and there is no way she is going to pass the junior cert she is very angry and very disruptive both in school and at home
she also has threatened to run away a few times
she doesnt care about anything at all very indignant
i have arranged for her to be assessed for ADHD
i would appreciate any advice

January

Is she being bullied?

Ayla

I'd agree w/ January - at that age there's bound to be something else in the background (and, unfortunately, as the parent you may be the last person she'll confide in).

Is is possible she's involved in something destructive? What is her social group like? Do you know her friends & where she is each night? What activities is she involved in?

Teenage years are horrible - we've all been there. But if this is a long-standing problem there may be more in the works then just typical acting out.

smelltheglove

Reminds me of me at 14...... boys..... Wish I had have listened!:rolleyes:

Moonbeam

Are you being an over baring parent? or over protective?

dolittle

i used to get her to come in for 8 but have changed it to 9
not being bullied have already asked
also asked was she assualted
over baring parent? or over protective?-a bit guilty of that i guess
she hangs around in the town
brought home last week by police for grafitti on wall
used to play gaa and run also

LadyMayBelle

Family difficulties in the past..separation, divorce, change, bereavment?

Is there other risk taking behaviour here; drugs, alcohol etc?

Anything in particular happen when she 'changed?'

amandaf675

i done that. i went from a's in 1st year to e's in 3rd year! i was bullied in school so i started mitching and just causing trouble so i could get sent home. my parents didnt know but they were over protective so i was acting out against them aswel.
Tbh i dont think theres anythin u can do. my parents tried. sent ,me fpr councelling and all. just made me worse. and this was only a few years ago because im only 20 now

dolittle

no separation, divorce, change, bereavment
no drugs or alcohol
the change was from a girl who used to come in from school have her dinner and do her homework to a girl who takes at least an hour to get home, eats her dinner when she ready, was still doing homework most of the time
but school became a bit of a nightmare
they have been very supportive
i dont think she is being bullied

The Princess Bride

dolittle wrote: »

no separation, divorce, change, bereavment
no drugs or alcohol
the change was from a girl who used to come in from school have her dinner and do her homework to a girl who takes at least an hour to get home, eats her dinner when she ready, was still doing homework most of the time
but school became a bit of a nightmare
they have been very supportive
i dont think she is being bullied

Talk to teachers- or have they already discussed this?
Has she changed friends recently?Always a concern when children change their circle of friends.
Seriously,only don't tell her this-the Jnr cert is not worth the paper it's written on, I wouldn't worry about this.If she was getting As & Bs until recently, she should pass it - are you sure she will even do it,by the way.
Junior cert not the most important issue,however.
-would be more concerned with her behaviour- take her out for mum& daughter coffee and just chat. Is she willing to talk with you( or another adult perhaps).

dolittle

understand that the junior cert is not important
but she has no chance of passing it
shes refusing to go back to school in september
she doesnt want to go back to her school, tried another but they have no spaces
she was always volatile having tantrums from when she was small
hoping the psychologist can give us some answers
she sees the school counselor once a week as it is

jill_valentine

I'd suggest that it might be worth looking into some manner of counselling or therapy. This sounds a bit like me at that age. I was incredibly frustrated with school, although I wasn't bullied. I was angry that being a bit bright seemed to make everything harder. I gave up studying and everything else because it felt like the only way I could "opt out" and make my life and time my own. I was depressed, basically.

dolittle

never thought of depression, it runs in my side of the family
we are going to let her stay with the wifes sister for the summer
as she says she wants to get away from us, as in the whole family
she says that we want her to be "perfect" like her brother and sister

LadyMayBelle

Just throwing out the thoughts in my head, forgive me if it’s a bit jumbled..

Teenagers at this stage can display rebelliousness, in the parents eyes, but in their understanding it is a sense of independence. They are caught in this nowhere land of beng a child and becoming an adult. Avoid confrontation, and sit down with her and try tell her how it makes you feel when she does something dangerous, risky etc, but also praise and notice when she doe something positive … it is worth negotiating some house rules etc because despite what teenagers are like, they need and actually want boundaries.

‘How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk’ (Adele and Faber)is a really good book in my opinion if you are into reading and have a chance, it doesn’t take long, and even though you may be doing a lot of the stuff it recommends, I can guarantee you’ll find something in it that will hit a chord..

The JC is far from the end of the world but I know even from my school days you would swear it was the be all and end all. Ease up on it, if you find you are being over bearing.

If she is seeing a counsellor, you might be able to access some kind of parenting support either thru the school or they will point you somewhere.. perfect for getting advice that you can put into practice.
Remember your own teenage years and the styles of parenting your parents used.. did that help? What didn’t?

Just read back over your last post; is she the eldest or youngest? She is obv feeling some sort of ‘left outness’ by saying she wishes she was perfect like her siblings. How’s her relationship with them these days? I do think you and her Dad need to consider spending some quality time with her doing something uninterrupted and something she wants to do..is that feasible? Go for a meal, head off for a half day or day, get interested in the little things that make her, her, even tho it might drive you crazy!

If depression is in the family it is worth keeping in mind other things that might indicate she may be depressed however start with the stuff you can start working on today..

Ayla

dolittle wrote: »

not being bullied have already asked
also asked was she assualted
over baring parent? or over protective?-a bit guilty of that i guess
she hangs around in the town
brought home last week by police for grafitti on wall
used to play gaa and run also

Ok, first, what teenager admits to being bullied? We all were at some point, and it affects us all in different ways. It is possible that she's hiding something that she feels she just can't/shouldn't talk about. It's good that she's already in counselling.

Over-baring parent? Can't really tell from your posts, but I think the fact that you're caring about your child's well-being is the most important. Teens usually feel that their parents are a "drag" or "too strict" but that's a parent's job.

The fact that she "hangs around town" is what bothers me. I live outside of a small town where the teens do nothing but hang around. My husband works in a shop in the town & he's constantly having to discipline (even call the guardi) on the teens who have nothing better to do than cause headaches for everyone. I know you don't want to take her away from her friends (cause then you'll be the *real baddy!*) but really, do you need the guardi called on her again? What situations is she finding herself in (and it'd break your heart to really know what the teens are doing while "hanging around town"). It's not a healthy environment for her to be in.

Why did she stop GAA & running? Those are good activities for her to be in, can you encourage them again?

Personally, I wouldn't worry about next school year. If she's refusing it, say ok & leave it at that. Keep her registration & just drop the whole thing. After the summer (when she's been able to get away & hopefullly get more counselling) look at it again. School may be hurting more than helping her at this time in her life, and maybe it'd be good to forget about it for awhile.

Morag

It could be she has figured out what you as parents can't 'make' her do anything she doesn't want to. So what ever pressures she is feeling, be they actual or just what she feels, she is responding by not doing anything. She has to want to do the things she enjoys her self and figure out that she likes them enough to do them and is not doing them cos she was sent/brought/told to do so. It's a tricky time. Hopefully thats all it is an not anything more serious.

meg3178

dolittle wrote: »

never thought of depression, it runs in my side of the family
we are going to let her stay with the wifes sister for the summer
as she says she wants to get away from us, as in the whole family
she says that we want her to be "perfect" like her brother and sister

I think your daughter staying with her aunt for the summer will give you all a little breathing space and she may confide in her.
Your daughter is at odds with herself at the moment. Her hormones are all over the place, her peers are expecting her to behave in one way, you, as parents expect her to behave in another and although she wants to respect you, she is torn. The worrying thing is her threatening to run away. take her out, just you and her and avoid shops etc. If she was sporty, take her to an indoor rock climbing centre or somewhere you both can do an activity, this alleviates the pressure on her to talk constantly and is away from the usual haunts, where she is expected to behave in a certain way. She may open up, but don't force it.
As for the JC, she can always do exams later. Her mental health is more important.
You love your daughter and in time she will change. A break will do her good and maybe escaping from the area & peer pressure is what she needs. Don't fuss over her, just tell her on her own you love her and are there to listen without comment.

dolittle

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Just throwing out the thoughts in my head, forgive me if it’s a bit jumbled..

Teenagers at this stage can display rebelliousness, in the parents eyes, but in their understanding it is a sense of independence. They are caught in this nowhere land of beng a child and becoming an adult. Avoid confrontation, and sit down with her and try tell her how it makes you feel when she does something dangerous, risky etc, but also praise and notice when she doe something positive … it is worth negotiating some house rules etc because despite what teenagers are like, they need and actually want boundaries.

‘How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk’ (Adele and Faber)is a really good book in my opinion if you are into reading and have a chance, it doesn’t take long, and even though you may be doing a lot of the stuff it recommends, I can guarantee you’ll find something in it that will hit a chord..

The JC is far from the end of the world but I know even from my school days you would swear it was the be all and end all. Ease up on it, if you find you are being over bearing.

If she is seeing a counsellor, you might be able to access some kind of parenting support either thru the school or they will point you somewhere.. perfect for getting advice that you can put into practice.
Remember your own teenage years and the styles of parenting your parents used.. did that help? What didn’t?

Just read back over your last post; is she the eldest or youngest? She is obv feeling some sort of ‘left outness’ by saying she wishes she was perfect like her siblings. How’s her relationship with them these days? I do think you and her Dad need to consider spending some quality time with her doing something uninterrupted and something she wants to do..is that feasible? Go for a meal, head off for a half day or day, get interested in the little things that make her, her, even tho it might drive you crazy!

If depression is in the family it is worth keeping in mind other things that might indicate she may be depressed however start with the stuff you can start working on today..

thnks for the tip with the book

she has being seeing a counsellor in the school

she is the middle of 3 children

dolittle

2 days to the junior and i`m trying to say to myself its not that important
but its tough
she just doesnt seem to give a damn about it
i have offered to sit and cram with her over the next two weeks to help her try and get a pass
its ok one moment and then the anger comes out
more worried about headin out with her friends than anything else
weekend wasnt too bad, so far, but still tough to get her in
tellin me studying is just too much like hard work
i feel like i want to grab her and give her the hiding of her life,which i know i cant but its so frustrating