In a relationship but in love with another girl

LegacyUser

Please don't judge me too badly because I already feel terrible about what I'm about to say.

Ive been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for about eight years. Weve no kids and were not married and although we have discussed this about the future it seems that we are both holding back from actually doing it.

Two years ago I took up a new hobby that I spend two or three times a week at and where I met this woman I'll call Emily.

The first time I met Emily I was instantly attracted to her. Without sounding cruel she is not very pretty physically so it was not lust I don't think. We get on like a house on fire and seem to connect really well. We will often go for a coffee or a bit to eat before or after the club (we are both older than the other members so don't spend much time with them) We have become very good friends and I know this sounds like a cliche but I think she gets me the way by gf doesn't. She gets my sense of humoir and we have a very similar outlook on life. I think I'm falling in live with her if I haven't already.

I now think that I should break up with my gf, partly
Because I want to develop my relationship with Emily but also just because I feel that it's not right to be in a relationship with gf when I have feelings for another woman.

But I'm worried I'd be doing the wrong thing. I'm not sure if my feelings for Emily are just because my relationship with gf has got boring or whether my feelings for her are genuinely rely strong. Surely couples reach this plateau with each other after a while? My family are putting pressure on me to propose to gf and start a family and a part of me wants that with her but also now I feel doubt because of Emily and I'm worried about finishig with gf in case it's something I regret forever. I know my options are to break up with gf or to cut Emily out of life and I know I sound like a prick buy I think I'd miss Emily more than I'd miss my gf but am so confused I dont trust how I feel right now.

Im pretty sure Emily feels the same way about me, she recently started online dating and joked to me that she couldn't wait around for me forever but I think she meant it and i want her to be happy and not alone but i feel if I don't act now I'll lose my chance and there's the potential for a great relationship betterthan what I have with my gf.

I have t told my gf, I know it doesn't sound like it but I genuinely love her and don't want to hurt or upset her Im just not sure if I'm still inlove with her but is anyone still in love after eight years?

Go easy on me boardies, I feel so guilty about all this I can hardly eat or sleep.

LegacyUser

It's not my first relationship but we were young when we got together, early twenties. We both now just gone thirty.

Silverfish

I believe people change a lot between the ages of 20 and 30, so maybe you and your girlfriend have grown apart?
How were things before Emily? Were there issues or did she just shine a light on it?

I think these two lines were quite telling:

think I'd miss Emily more than I'd miss my gf

the potential for a great relationship betterthan what I have with my gf.

I mean, maybe it's just a crush, or maybe it does have the potential to be wonderful.
But I think you owe it to yourself, and your girlfriend, and Emily too, to try figure out who you want to be with.
On the one hand, you don't go out with someone for 8 years and not love them in some way, and maybe this is just the excitement of someone new, the grass being greener, etc. On the other hand, perhaps you and your girlfriend have matured into people who love each other but aren't suited long term.

Perhaps a time out from both of them is what you need, without either of them clouding your judgement on it.

I am a friend

You need time out to sort your head and also to let your gf free if this relationship is going nowhere.

Take time on your own before jumping into something with Emily and are how things pan out. 8 years is a long time to be unsure and your gf deserves a chance to meet someone who can't wait to marry her and you also deserve to be totally in love. Best of luck

Katy89

sunflower27 wrote: »

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Remember as well that you seeing Girl B in her best light - out enjoying yourselves, that's not the same as a long-term relationship.

this is a very important point. I heard or read on online help forums so many stories about somebody split up with his longterm gf or wife/husband to be with the new partner as everything was so perfect. but after day to day life kicked in it became routine as well and people realised why they were togehter with their former partner so long, missed him /her deadly and went back or ended up lonely as having lost both...so my advice would be, think hard before leaving your gf...

LegacyUser

I never popped the question for various reasons, firstly she actually doesn't want to get married. She doesn't think the piece of paper is important and has never been the type to dream of white wedding. She said I it was important to be she would think about it but that was a long time ago. It's just something we havent really talked about. Having kids is a big issue though. I think we both want kids but something has been holding us back, our relationship has been rocky at times for sure and i thik this is the main factor, certainly it is for me. We're not even living together at the moment. we were living together and then she did her back in really badly, had to give up work and was badly crippled for a while
So it made sense for her to move home. I couldn't afford all the rent so I downsized and she moved into her folks because she needed someone around to help her during the day when I was at work. She's much better now and working again but neither of us have brought up the notion of moving back together. When I see it written down like that it doesn't look too good.

I am a friend

But don't waste much more of her time ...

LegacyUser

I have been the Emily in this situation. I actually came on boards today to post something about the ongoing...I dont know what, with my version of you.

Whatever you do, if you break up with your girlfriend, please leave Emily alone until your certain your ready to be with her and all the aftermath of your 8 year relationship is well and truely in the past, and this will Im sure take some time.

From my own experience this is how it panned out for me: He told me he had feelings for me and wanted to end it with his girlfriend. I told him I had feelings for him too. He broke up with her a few days later and we couldnt stay away from each other. Then he began to feel guilty about how he'd ended his relationship...two years later and we both admit we are still in love with each other but we've never officially been a couple, we've been on and off the whole time, both of us have at various points tried to get over each other and move on only to be drawn back and really its broken both of our hearts.

My advice would be, if you want to end your relationship do that. But go away by yourself for a few months and sort your head out before getting involved in any other romantic situation.

tara2

take it from me if ur relationship has bn rocky in the past ur rite to have held of from having kids,maybe try a taking a bit of time to urself b4 u get involved with emily,talk to ur girlfriend and tell her how u feel,believe me she will have much more respect 4u if ur open and honest with her even tho its not what she mite want to hear at the time snd who knows ye mite even get that spark going again between ye,best of luck

booboo88

I think you've kinda answered your own question, clearly you dont love your gf so why not do the right thing by her for a start. if things develop with emily all well and good, but its clearly not gonna work with current gf so you'll only hurt her more by dragging it out. she propbably already has picked up on vibes already

Ickle Magoo

Tara2, as per the forum charter - text speak is not permitted on this forum.

Many thanks. :cool:

Miss Fluff

Silverfish wrote: »

Perhaps a time out from both of them is what you need, without either of them clouding your judgement on it.

That's the best course of action imho