Beating homesickness

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster and and prob recognisable, but going off reg for this regardless.
Living abroad, only across the water. Came because of economic downturn; the OH got a job and found it impossible to get work in Ireland, and it is unlikely they will in the near future also. I could get work back home as my profession is more in demand, but I am happy to give living here a shot for a few years.
Got ourselves a nice little place, have a nice lifestyle, we do okay. Have no kids, cars and currently no debt. Everything going for us and I am thankful daily for that.

Everytime we fly home however, which is about 4 times a year, I am crushed coming back. I have a tempermental relationship with my family, mostly good and they are so great to me, but like any family we sometimes have our run ins. But try as I might, I cry and cry leaving, and yesterday my poor gran and mam kept asking 'are you sure you want to go back, is everything okay?', and they got upset seeing me like that. I have tried everything from deep beathing to Bachs oil to mindfulness to calm me but I get so , so sad, seeing a) my parents and knowing they're getting older and are so lovely and b) my siblings once of whom isn't even a teen and god I love them to bits c) my elderly gran (who chose yesterday to speak about her death, fears and worries with me) They visited me over the Easter which was brilliant but I swear to god, I was depressed for a week after, and I am not one to succumb to feelings I believe I can overcome. I work in the mental health profession myself which was hard for me, as I knew going back to work I was not in a fit state.

I hoped it would get easier, but so far only worse. Increased contact seems to make it worse which is the opposite to what I want and expect. I'd be lost without boards and the lovely people here. Has anyone got any tips or advice for these homesick blues and how to banish them??

Thanks
I know I am so lucky to have what I have which makes me feel very foolish claiming to have a problem but god it hurt so, so much and I well up thinking about it (which I try not to do often!)

Kevster

Hey,

I've been living in England for nearly 2 years now (first York, now Leicester) and I do recall it being very difficult at first. My brother moved years before me and also found it difficult.

Just some observations: Your family aren't helping by asking you if you are "sure" that you want to continue living in the UK. They should be happy for you that you have a job and partner, in my opinion. Also, I believe that you should begin to accepty that - yes - your new life is here in the UK. I'msure that you have made friends over here, right? I only recently have started to make connections here, and it's been VERY difficult due to living on my own and having friends who are either married or engaged.

Just my thoughts...

TAke care and best of luck
Kevin

LegacyUser

Thanks Kevster. No I don't have friends here unfortunately; I have one about two hours train trip away and we do keep visits regular! I have tried clubs, sports, reading groups etc but the people are either considerably older (in their 50's/60's) or else in a different bracket to me (the mummies and children bracket). I am not excluding them at all however, and continue to attend and chat away because we all are there for a reason. But friends to grab a coffee with to go to the cinema, or have a whinge about work,no.

My folks are pretty good. I prob phrased it wrong when I described what they say; they see me in tears leaving and they wonder if everything is really okay I guess. Which normally it is except I miss the hell outta them and my mates back home. I've a small bunch of friends and we have been buddies for 10-15 years, and it's tough saying goodbye again and again.

Thanks for your kind words and advice kevster. I am continuing to join groups and practice meaningful conversations

[-0-]

This is a good article http://www.ehow.com/how_2330049_beat-homesickness-living-abroad-extended.html

watna

I've only been home once since I left Ireland but I sobbed in the airport when I said goodbye the last time. I cried the whole flight to London, big snotty tears streaming down my face. By the time I got to Heathrow I'd calmed down and the other 3 flights were less eventful! It's horrible and I feel your pain. Last time my Dad cried too It was awful. It doesn't mean anything is wrong or I'm miserable in New Zealand it just means I have a happy home and miss it. I think most people feel like that.

I'm dying to move back to Ireland but it's so hard because everyone you talk to says "there's nothing here for you" and when you have a good job abroad it's hard to justify moving back home. It definitely makes it harder. I have to remind myself that we're very comfortable here and I'm by no means miserable.

I have mostly good days but every so often I get very homesick, it doesn't help that I'm on the other side of the world and I can't just decide to come back for a visit on a whim, it takes all my annual leave and savings. When I have bad days I try to do something nice for myself to cheer myself up and make an extra effort to skype home or talk to my friends online. I also try to remember that when I went home the last time and met up with my friends it was like I'd never been away. So I know, no matter what people say or I read on boards (avoid After Hours if you ever want to believe Ireland is not ruined) that I can always go home and that's a great comfort.

It's natural to miss home. I quite often have really vivid dreams where I'm walking around Dublin. In my dream I tell myself you'll wake up soon so make the most of while you can! I've talked to other people living here who aren't from NZ and they say the same thing - they dream about home. It can also be hard to explain to Irish people who are living at home and complaining about what a **** hole Irealnd is. They just don't understand. One friend kept saying to me "it must be savage living in NZ" and I had to explain I don't spend my time bungy jumping and partying. I have to go to work and pay rent and bills and lead a normal life!

Anyway, this turned in to a rambling post but don't be so hard on yourself. It is natural to miss home and be sad when you are leaving. IMO, it'd unnatural if you didnt feel that way.

Ickle Magoo

I've been here nearly eight years and I'm still home-sick.

What makes it easier is carving out a bit of a life for yourself - get plenty friends and interests and make sure you have plenty of things up and around your house/room so it feels more like home. See if you can find an ex-pat community to reminisce with - and get skype and call home regularly, invite folks over and make plenty trips back home.

It definitely gets better with time - and carving out a meaningful life in your new home town will help immeasurably.

All the best.

pickarooney

I kind of have the opposite problem. Every time I go back, or even think about going back, it appeals less and less to me. You may find that the open, frank conversations you have with your parents and grandparents might never have occured if you'd been living next door, that sometimes a geographical distance can translate to an emotional closeness.

The second period after changing country (after the initial excitement of all that's new wears off and you start to miss all that's different) is always really tough and it can be very hard to see just how you're going to adapt and make friends and have a normal life. In most cases it does, gradually or with a sudden turn of events. Unless you're deeply miserable every day (and your OH should surely see this and not want it to continue) it's worth hanging in there.

LegacyUser

Hi there, I feel your pain and it is hard. I am in a similiar situation. I am at the other side of the world, I am very close to my family and although Ireland does not appeal to me, my family certainly does. I am not a homebird, never have been, but now that I am a bit older I worry about how my family are while I am away. My biggest problem is work - I am struggling and feel like I am way in over my head. Every day there are tears because I feel useless at it but I am tied into a contract because I moved because of my job...... Anyway this has turned into a moan from me and that was not my intention, just wanted to let you know what I understand how you feel but look chin up! It takes time, at least that is what I am telling myself, and the good thing is at least you know that your family really care about you and they miss you too. Treasure and look forward to the visits home, that is what I focus on! Best of luck!

Sleepy

Whereabouts are you OP? Lots of other Boards.ie posters are ex-pats, might be possible to organise a Boards Beers for the area you live?

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone!

I didn’t look back at this thread as I hadn’t thought it had replies..thank you
I was going through a bad patch that week..it’s like sea sickness I guess, comes and goes. Visited friends which took a few hours to get there but well worth it. Went back to my group but was only one older lady who turned up. I’ll keep going but I think she felt obliged to stay because I had turned up, but we only met for like half an hour.
The weirdest thing is tho, increased contact make it worse.Literally for a week after coming home, I’m really, really, scarily low. After a skype, which I don’t do often as I don’t really like skype, I prefer the phone, I might be down for the evening. I write, and text sometimes and that’s easiest.

Nice to know there’s others

watna

RegularPosterAgain wrote: »

Thanks everyone!

I didn’t look back at this thread as I hadn’t thought it had replies..thank you
I was going through a bad patch that week..it’s like sea sickness I guess, comes and goes. Visited friends which took a few hours to get there but well worth it. Went back to my group but was only one older lady who turned up. I’ll keep going but I think she felt obliged to stay because I had turned up, but we only met for like half an hour.
The weirdest thing is tho, increased contact make it worse.Literally for a week after coming home, I’m really, really, scarily low. After a skype, which I don’t do often as I don’t really like skype, I prefer the phone, I might be down for the evening. I write, and text sometimes and that’s easiest.

Nice to know there’s others

There's definitely others and like you said it comes in waves.

What are the people you work with like? That's where I have made all my friends (apart from the friends my OH had here already as he's from here). I've found I've needed to make a bit of an effort at the beginning to invite work people to things but now I've got a nice bunch of friends to do things with. I wouldn't have been able to meet people any other way. It depends on how social your work place is I guess.

seachto7

I think it also depends on what you do. If it's a case where opportunities were better abroad, then I would imagine one would be happier abroad.
Personally even though I get on with family, I have no great ties here, and would still contemplate moving if it came to it. I still am contemplating moving, and I'm in my mid 30s.

I came back from about 4 abroad in 2001, and always said I'd move abroad again. The fact I'm still here means I never did really commit to any job, to any relationship, as it was always in the back of my head.

I'm happy at the moment, but it's still something I won't rule out. I think I would possibly stay in Europe. The fact that you're just a flight away can make it a whole lot easier.......

LegacyUser

I had hoped when I got my job that there would be people my age, but the next person up in my whole office is 38 and has two kids which keeps them busy..that sounds hard to believe but I am actually the youngest by far. I chat to them of course, but usually it's always about their kids and their plans; I tried bringing up stuff I am doing but it's quite far removed from their interests etc ..so sadly work friends are not an option to grab a coffee with outside of work..

At the mo I do a fitness class and the said group, utilize twitter altho there really isn't much happening on it

Perseverance I guess!!

Thanks everyone, i really mean it.

watna

seachto7 wrote: »

I think it also depends on what you do. If it's a case where opportunities were better abroad, then I would imagine one would be happier abroad.

I don't think that's necessarily true. I have better opportunities here but miss my friends and family far too much to say I'm happier here. If you haven't lived abroad for long periods of time I also think people underestimate the sense of belonging that is often missing when you are living away from where you consider home.

I think it depends on what's important to you. I'm very close to my family and I'd class that as more important than having a good job or earning lots of money. Yes, it does make things harder for you when you think about moving home and what you would be giving up but to say people would be "happier", just because of opportunities they have access too is far too simplistic, imo. It also depends greatly on what people want out of life. There's a lot of people packing their bags now and moving off to "better places" because they say there's nothing for them in Ireland and I think most of them don't have an understanding of how hard it is.