Boyfriend spent the night at ex-girlfriend's house

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is on fairly good terms with his ex. They don't go out of their way to speak to each other, wouldn't text or call each other for a chat say, but if they see each other out and about they'll stop and have a chat. This doesn't bother me in the slightest, They'd see each other a fair bit anyway, because they're both amateur golfers, so they'd bump into each other at events, so there's no point in it being awkward.

Basically, week before last I suggested to my boyfriend that we do something at the weekend (as in, last Saturday), to which he replied that he couldn't, because he had plans with his friends from golf on the Saturday night at one of their houses. Grand, not a problem.

Anyway, I was talking to him on Tuesday, asked him how the night was, asked him a bit more, like who's house they were at and stuff, normal conversation stuff. He's a bit awkward about it, but eventually it comes out that the house they went to was his ex girlfriends. Now, for some reason, this really bothers me. It's not like it was only him, it was a group of about six other people, but at the same time, it wasn't the entire golf club either. It seemed like a fairly intimate gathering of close friends, which is why I was fairly shocked that he was there. Like I said, him and the ex get along, but they wouldn't be overly close. So why would she invite him to a party with some of her closest friends, unless she has - and this is going to sound incredibly jealous - ulterior motives, or he's lying to me about how much they do actually talk? I wouldn't have a problem with them being friends, but I would have a problem with him lying to me about it.

Anyway, with a bit more questioning, it transpired that he, the ex, and one other person ended up crashing in the same bed that night. I'll admit this bothered me. It wasn't intimate, and there was another person in the bed, but him and the ex DO have a history, and I think he should have recognised that, innocent as it was, he should NOT have slept in the same bed as her.

Anyway, when I said this, he started accusing me of being jealous, and saying he knew he shouldn't have said anything because I'd react like this. I said if he was aware I'd react like this, and knew he should have kept quiet, then he's aware what he did was at least a little wrong.

I feel like this is something he should have considered my feelings in, but he thinks im being OTT. We haven't spoken in a few days, and I'm seriously considering ending it because I don't want to be with someone who is so blasé about my feelings. Am I being a bit OTT?

metrovelvet

This is one of those things there are no right or wrong answers too.

He probably regrets telling you because its causing more trouble than he thinks its worth, not because he did somethng wrong.

There are a lot of things I wish I kept my mouth shut about because it caused a lot more damage than it was worth and that damage was largely caused by how someone else reacted to it.

If you want him to be open and honest with you he's going to have to feel safe doing so.

Who the **** knows why ex's do what they do, no one including you will ever understand their relationship or former relationship.

Do you want him to promise not to do it again? or what would make you more at ease? Be really honest with yourself and dont let your pride answer for you.

Belladance

I know its prolly irrelevant but how long are you with him and how long was he with his ex? I am sorry to read your story. I would find that totally acceptable but I wouldn't let it ruin our relationship...

sorry i meant to say totally unacceptable.... whooops..

LegacyUser

You're not being OTT. He slept in his ex girlfriend's bed. I'd be devastated if my boyfriend did that to him because all trust would be gone. If your boyfriend can't understand that, then 1.he's either thick as a plank, or 2.he's got something to hide and neither of those points are very desirable at any rate!!

Kimia

Totally unacceptable behaviour tbh. If he thought it was grand he would have been open with you about it, not getting mad at you and trying to turn it all on you.

I'd be very very annoyed. I also know for a fact that if I did the same my bf would be very very annoyed. It's disrespectful and highly inappropriate. I would be having a serious word and a serious think about the relationship.

shellyboo

You seem very level-headed about the whole thing, and you're right -- if his instinct was to keep it from you, then on some level he knew he shouldn't be doing it at all.

You're absolutely not being OTT, you're 100% in the right. Dump him over it? I dunno, it's up to you. If you can get him to see that what he did was hurtful to you and admit he shouldn't have done it, then I'd give him another chance. But if he keeps being defensive and blaming the issue on your jealousy, that's a bit of a dealbreaker.

Motley Crue

Let's put it this way, my girlfriend would be upset at me if I did that and I wouldn't blame her

IpreDictDeatH

People can be amazingly successful in twisting reality to suit there own needs. Think about the facts. He spent the night with his ex. That is not ok. End of story. Repeat that to him, and dont budge. You are correct. And so what if you're jealous, he slept in the same bed as his ex, ofcourse your goin to be.

Actually, dump him! You deserve way more respect than that.

He's twisting reality to suit his own needs. Dont buckle, be strong!

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for the replies guys, knew myself I wasn't overreacting but he is so adamant I am I just kind of needed that reassurance.

Belladance, we're together 8 months, and he was with the ex for just over a year.
I was talking to him today, and he said he was sorry I was upset, and he was sorry he'd hurt my feelings but he stopped short of apologising for his actions. He said he didn't understand why I was upset about him hanging around with old friends, and if I was secure enough in our relationship I wouldn't be worrying about him staying over at her house. tbh, this just added fuel to the fire, because I'm not paranoid that he's physically cheating - I'm pretty sure, however much of an asshole he is being about things right now, he wouldn't do that - but I am beginning to worry that he's lying to me, and it's making me think there's possibly other stuff he's ommitting about his relationship with the ex.

I did bring up why he didn't sleep on the couch, he said there was only one couch, there was someone sleeping on it already, and it was towards the end of the night and they were all just chatting on the bed anyway and decided to just sleep where they were.I asked him if he thought I was being irrational for getting mad at him for sharing a bed with the ex and he said if he'd made a fuss about getting up and leaving just because his ex was there, it would have been needlessly awkward and ruined the tone of the evening.

TBH im still totally confused as to what to do. he's a lovely guy, and he's generally really sweet, but this has just really soured the relationship in my eyes. I don't think I can give him many more opportunities to try talk his way out of it, I just want a sincere apology for his actions, and for him to understand that it was wrong.

metrovelvet

You are not always going to see eye to eye on what is right and what is wrong. Its good and important that he is sorry for upsetting you even if he doesnt fully get why its upset you.

What makes you think there are things he is omitting? You're satisfied he's not cheating on you. So what do you think he is hiding?

R.D. aka MR.D

This is SO suspect!!!!!!!!!

Your definitely not being irrational. He didn't want to disrupt the tone of the evening? Is he being serious? (the floor wasn't an option either???)

What you need to ask is this, was what he did respectful to you? To you and your relationship.

Also think about it from the outside if you can. if one of your friends told you this about her bf then what would you think.

I hope things work out for you x

cungryhunt

Find out if there actually WAS one other person in the bed.
Likely that is just a cover so he doesn't have to admit that he slept with his ex.

johnr1

It usually annoy me when the "Kick him to the kerb" gang start here, but in this case, FFS !! He omits to tell you whose house he's going to, he then stays over, IN HER BED, then gives you an edited version, then more info as you question him, all the time insisting that he's not done anything you should be upset over,-read as 'you're the one with the issue, and I'm squeaky clean here' Bull - utter Bull. He's either cheating or would like to.
Wise up.
I cant believe the poster/s who are even weighing this up

Edit, Cungryhunt is probably spot on. Off topic, btw Thats the best username and location I've seen. Welcome, if you keep that level of wit up, you'l do well in After Hours. Thumbs up!

LegacyUser

Find out who the third person was and if it was male or female. The more I think about this the more I feel there is more to it that you don't know

CDfm

OP - just think for a moment that it is innocent but you can see how people can get the wrong idea.

Your OH can also see this and it is probably why he did not tell you.

When we go in to new relationships our behavior towards the outside world as a couple has to change so others see us as a unit and that our partner does not get the wrong idea. Its also important that the ex does not have the idea that a partner is available to them.

So even if you do trust him nontheless you were uncomfortable about it cos you value the relationship.

Thats not jealousy -you are investing emotional energy in it and uncomfortable is not good.

It really does not matter that your fella cant see it but he should know know that you feel uncomfortable about it and should adapt to the new relationship.

Why could he not drive home - a few drinks ? well dont drink or you collect him or get a taxi.

The reason we do not do these things is that it makes our partners uncomfortable and its reasonable for them to be so.

So depending on how you feel -you might say -ask him how he will deal with such situations in the future .

I would be concerned if he said he felt he had no reason to change as that would show no empathy for your feelings.

dudara

It may all be perfectly innocent but I'm sceptical. You just don't share a bed with someone. If the sofa is taken, then there's always the floor or a taxi home. Bed is a personal space and you don't share it lightly.

LegacyUser

Sleeping in another girl's bed is not on, sleeping in his ex girlfriend's bed is not on. His excuse that he didn't want to ruin the tone of the evening is unbelievably lame. It doesn't seem to worry him that he's ruined the tone of your relationship by sleeping in his ex girlfriend's bed.

It's only eight months, you haven't put loads of time into the relationship. Tell him to get lost, the last thing you need is a head wrecking partner who prefers to put other peoples' so called needs before your own. Don't even ask if there was anyone else in the bed, you're just giving him more opportunity to throw it back in your face by blaming your 'paranoia'. Tell him quietly and gracefully that you just don't think it will work out, and move on. There are plenty of men who understand the importance of trust in a relationship, don't sell yourself short by staying with a guy who doesn't understand the meaning of trust.

ilovetosing

I agree with the majority of posters here OP. He has told you a half truth here to ease his guilty feelings for whatever really happened but its defo a case of only 2 in the bed here. I have seen this type of scenario explained by so many people to others and people lap it up.

Fact is he held back tellin you it was his ex's house - If he is such good friends with her and you know this and its ok for you then telling you that shouldn't be an issue at all
He made it sound like it was a "group" planned night - It wasn't
He is trying to cover himself for sleeping in the same bed as his ex by sayin another body was there so he feels better about telling you half the truth to ease his own mind!

8 Months in you should just move on! He sounds like a twat tbh!

LittleBook

bit confused wrote: »

I did bring up why he didn't sleep on the couch, he said there was only one couch, there was someone sleeping on it already, and it was towards the end of the night and they were all just chatting on the bed anyway and decided to just sleep where they were.I asked him if he thought I was being irrational for getting mad at him for sharing a bed with the ex and he said if he'd made a fuss about getting up and leaving just because his ex was there, it would have been needlessly awkward and ruined the tone of the evening.

Maybe I'm showing my age here but the grown-ups I usually party with are capable of making their way home at the end of the night and it's not considered a "fuss" to do so. How the hell did they end up "chatting on the bed" in the first place?

bit confused wrote: »

He said he didn't understand why I was upset about him hanging around with old friends, and if I was secure enough in our relationship I wouldn't be worrying about him staying over at her house.

That's not why you're upset and he knows it. I wonder how he would feel if you spent the night in the same bed as an ex ... or any guy for that matter.

bit confused wrote: »

I just want a sincere apology for his actions, and for him to understand that it was wrong.

I guess there are people who wouldn't be bothered about this type of situation but I'm not one of them and you're not one of them. It's possible he sincerely believes he's done nothing wrong so won't apologise. If that's the case then I'm afraid you two have an irreconcilable difference.

Mighty_Mouse

he said if he'd made a fuss about getting up and leaving just because his ex was there, it would have been needlessly awkward and ruined the tone of the evening

I'd agree with most other posters.
Sharing a bed with any female whilst in a relationship is not on.
He lied to begin with so he has undermined everything that follows.
I'b be skeptical for this reason as to whether there was a 3rd person in the bed & whether this person had the middle seat on this slightly-german swinging bedtime arrangement.

THe "making a fuss" line jaw-droppingly unbelievable. It's like a line from Fawlty Towers where Basil is trying to explain falling asleep beside a female guest!!

Miss Fluff

Sharing the bed with this mysterious third party sounds like a convenient ruse to me. It sounds like he probably crashed out with his ex in her bed. I'm not saying for a second he did anything but I'd be pretty sure that's where he slept and that it was just the two of them....

fungun

From your OP you suggest he was awkward when you asked him where he was....this was his guilt; of course he knew you wouldnt like what he did.
Being sorry that you are upset is not enough if he does not recognise that he has done something wrong here. Its like cheating and then being sorry you are upset rather than being sorry for cheating. Unless he can actually apologise for what he did and recognise he was in the wrong then I would consider moving on, especially as I assume he will continue to be friends with these people.

Id follow the advice of some others in terms of asking who the third person was, but I wouldnt jump to the conclusion he was unfaithful (anyway 3 in a bed doesnt preclude unfaithfulness!). However it most certainly was inappropriate.

pookie82

metrovelvet wrote: »

He probably regrets telling you because its causing more trouble than he thinks its worth, not because he did somethng wrong.

There are a lot of things I wish I kept my mouth shut about because it caused a lot more damage than it was worth and that damage was largely caused by how someone else reacted to it.

If you want him to be open and honest with you he's going to have to feel safe doing so.

This really pisses me off. Acting like the OP has to be careful of her reaction to anything he says to ensure that she continues the get the truth out of him. No way to tip toe around a relationship.

OP is underreacting, if anything. If I found out my OH spent a night sleeping anywhere near his ex for whatever reason, I wouldn't be happy. And I certainly wouldn't start thinking "oh I'd better not show him I'm pissed off or he'll never tell me the truth again". I've been in relationships with guys who were experts at pretending I was the one with the problem when they were the ones being shady and sleeping with exes. It's an old trick to undermine the other person and make them hold back on perfectly valid reactions.

Not the way forward OP. Show him this thread if you have to. Majority of poeple find it wholly unacceptable. That may not make a difference to him and if it doesn't, might be time to reconsider the relationship.

metrovelvet

Hey pookie.

Is it possible to sleep in a bed with someone and not have sex with them? Yes it is.

Is it possible to sleep next to an ex and not have sex with them? Yes it is.

No one knows what went on except those people in the room.

He could have just said he slept on the floor. He could have said nothing.

Is it wrong to sleep in a bed with an ex? If it is, please someone outline why exactly it is wrong.

Mighty_Mouse

Is it wrong to sleep in a bed with an ex? If it is, please someone outline why exactly it is wrong.

for this reason:

No one knows what went on except those people in the room.

metrovelvet

You could say that about any two people in any room at any time.

Doesnt make it wrong. Might make you uncomfortable, but uncomforatble and wrong are not the same thing.

LegacyUser

It's wrong to sleep in a bed with an ex because there is absolutely no reason to do so. It's something that would only happen if you went out of your way to do it. The reason the OP's boyfriend slept in his ex's bed was because he didn't want to make a fuss by leaving. Excuse me, but what a sh*te excuse!!!! And extremely insulting to the OP-he's basically saying that his friends (and ex girlfriend's) opinions of him are more important than his girlfriend's opinion of him! He couldn't even think of an excuse which would at least show respect towards his girlfriend!!

In my opinion, there is never a plausible reason to sleep in an ex's bed while you're in a relationship. If your partner is going to tell half truths, then try and turn it back on you, you're better off out of the relationship. I would run a mile OP, he seems to have bad news written all over him.

Arpa

sunflower27 wrote: »

So, three grown adults slept in a bed?

Did no-one think to sleep on the couch?

All a bit suss to me, sorry OP

Yeh or just go home in a taxi. Why stay over at all? Are they all fifteen having a slumber party. What kind of Golf club is it anyway. Where do I sign up?

Play the back nine and then back to mine to play a few holes.

lynsalot

Hi OP,
It sounds to me like he's hiding something. I had an ex like this. It's not about you. It's about his behaviour. Why didn't he tell you straight away? Whose the third person?

Don't give into his pressure turning it back on you. Have you spoken to him since? Its not on that he lies about spending a night in a bed with his ex girlfriend. He is an adult and should've gone home. Or slept on the floor. The point here is not that u don't trust him, its that he lied... which makes you suspicious of him and disappointed that he can't consider your feelings in this.

WhatWillBee

At worst he cheated.

At best, he lies to you just for an easy life. Not gonna be the first time for that either.


Neither are particularly redeeming features of any boyfriend.

Azureus

I am a very laid back girlfriend but sleeping in the same bed as an ex, whether there is just the wo of them or ten others, is plain wrong.
The reason he kept it from you is because he knows this. How would he feel if you cosied up to an ex after a night out in his bed?

Make it known that you are NOT over-reacting and set down some boundaries, otherwise you have some heartache in store!

gypsy_rose

I'm not sure if I'd break up with someone over this alone, but they'd sure as hell be in the dog house for a while.

Really he should have mentioned it to you straight away if it wasn't suspect at all, just so you'd know and not have any reason to worry.

I'm kinda doubting anything happened because then he would have lied completely instead of partially to avoid suspicion, but I would recommend that you hammer home to him in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable and is not to happen again.