My Mam seems to hate me

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, the relationship I have with my mother is so bad and always has been. I am 25 and a girl with a job and I am financially independent. I don't even know where to start here because there is so much I want to say to give people an idea of the problem so apologies in advance for the length. Well first of all I am a big disappointment to her. No clothes I wear are good enough and believe me i dress reasonably conservative. At every opportunity she is on about my weight and how i am obese. I clearly am not as I am 5.4 and 9 stone 3 pounds as of yesterday. I vary between size 8 and 10 in clothes. I went shopping with her lately and I spent the day choking back tears as anything i picked up to look at she turned up her nose because the neck wasnt up as far as my head and the skirt wasnt below my knee. I am so upset by this because I am actually beginning to believe her and I have refused to go shopping since as in her words, everything looks disgusting on me and I used to be pretty but I have let myself go. She also has this habit of telling me I have no friends and that everybody laughs at me behind my back because I look so awful. There are so many more of there instances I could mention but I think you have read enough to get the picture. Any insult you can imagine I have probably heard it. One friend who knows about this gets so mad when she hears of the latest and just tells me to ignore her. I have tried that but then my Mam plays the part of the victim and I somehow appear to be in the wrong. For so long I actually believed my Mam insults but when I told my friend she actually i and said my Mam is the one with issues. I dont really know what I am looking for here, suppose advice or something to make me feel better. My confidence has been ripped to shreds over the past while. I look in the mirror and some days I look ok while others I think of my body that disgusts her so much. I have no interest in shopping, or going out on a night out because her words of no matter what I wear i will look rotten are always in my head. I just feel I have lost all control over this and its beginning to control me. I look at friends whose parents actually like them and I always think how lucky they are.

dudara

Do you live at home?

Roselm

cantgeton wrote: »

Hey everyone, the relationship I have with my mother is so bad and always has been. I am 25 and a girl with a job and I am financially independent. I don't even know where to start here because there is so much I want to say to give people an idea of the problem so apologies in advance for the length. Well first of all I am a big disappointment to her. No clothes I wear are good enough and believe me i dress reasonably conservative. At every opportunity she is on about my weight and how i am obese. I clearly am not as I am 5.4 and 9 stone 3 pounds as of yesterday. I vary between size 8 and 10 in clothes. I went shopping with her lately and I spent the day choking back tears as anything i picked up to look at she turned up her nose because the neck wasnt up as far as my head and the skirt wasnt below my knee. I am so upset by this because I am actually beginning to believe her and I have refused to go shopping since as in her words, everything looks disgusting on me and I used to be pretty but I have let myself go. She also has this habit of telling me I have no friends and that everybody laughs at me behind my back because I look so awful. There are so many more of there instances I could mention but I think you have read enough to get the picture. Any insult you can imagine I have probably heard it. One friend who knows about this gets so mad when she hears of the latest and just tells me to ignore her. I have tried that but then my Mam plays the part of the victim and I somehow appear to be in the wrong. For so long I actually believed my Mam insults but when I told my friend she actually i and said my Mam is the one with issues. I dont really know what I am looking for here, suppose advice or something to make me feel better. My confidence has been ripped to shreds over the past while. I look in the mirror and some days I look ok while others I think of my body that disgusts her so much. I have no interest in shopping, or going out on a night out because her words of no matter what I wear i will look rotten are always in my head. I just feel I have lost all control over this and its beginning to control me. I look at friends whose parents actually like them and I always think how lucky they are.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.

I agree with your friend that your mother certainly seems to be the one with the issue.
I don't think your mother is saying these things to you so that she can help you look better. For whatever reason your mother seems to want to belittle you and keep you down. Has she got self esteem issues?
I think that no matter what you did your mother wouldn't agree that you look great because she doesn't want you to think you do and you will wear yourself out trying to get her to say you do.
The problem is from what you've said she has been unrelenting and this has resulted in you beginning to think that there may be truth in what she is saying!

Imagine if you set her words aside and compartmentalised them. Would that help? You could say "This is what my mam says but I don't agree. This is what I think: I look really good today" etc.

What if you went to your friend's house to get ready for a night out so that you can be getting ready with someone who will compliment you.

If confronting your mother results in her twisting things so that you appear in the wrong maybe it would help you initially to just avoid all contact with her for a while. Don't text unless she does, don't meet up for shopping/ coffee and just disentangle yourself for a while to let your emotional response to this calm down.

I'm not sure what else to suggest other than keep your friends in the picture as they can support you.

Keep your chin up x

LegacyUser

I rent a house away from home and i would only go home every 2nd or 3rd weekend because of the situation.

metrovelvet

You dont need people who drag you down. Cut her out of your life.

ebixa82

Jesus she sounds like a total <SNIP> and obvious has some serious issues herself.

Stick up for yourself and the next time she says anything you should lose the head with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her take a long, hard look at herself.

I wouldn't bother going home so often. I get on grand with my parents but would only go home once every 2 months or so.

LegacyUser

I have to disagree with the other posters about the benefits of having it out with your mum and letting her know who she makes you feel. If this is how she normally behaves, she already knows it makes you feel bad, and she gets a kick out of it. Secondly, as the OP said in her post, her mum would manage to turn it around and play the victim, making her feel guilty on top of it.

So my advice would be to appear as calm and indifferent as possible, rather than letting her know you are angry. Just give up trying to please her, don't engage when she complains about your clothes or appearance, laugh it off. I know she is your mother and it's hard to see her as someone who you have to be guarded with, but she is behaving like a bully and the worst thing you can do is let her know it's getting to you.

LegacyUser

Let me guess

She doesn't work and as issues with the Neighbours and Family ?

Daisy M

Your friend is right she is the one with issues. Try recording some of the conversations, use your phone, play them back to her and let her see how bad she comes across and exactly whos in the wrong.

coolcat63

Completely agree with the previous posters; your mother is the one with the problem. Shop with your friends - they will know what suits you or perhaps have a session with a personal dresser to boost your confidence?

Keep one 'mother proof' outfit to wear when you visit her and deflect every comment with a question -

'you're looking fat'
"my weight is perfect for my height so what makes you say that?"

keep turning everything back on her without getting upset or taking ANYTHING personally. She is the one with issues.

thecookingapple

Very sorry to hear this OP, the mind boggles not just at people like this but a mother like this is terribly disgusting, even if you where the things your mother says you (and obviously your not) her job is to love and support you unconditionally and help in anyway she can.

Sadly this is not happening, what i would do in this situation is completely ignore her and dont visit and when the day comes and it will, when she is desperate for your attention have a list of the things she has done and said preferably in written form and show it to her and ask only one question to her:

Why in hell would i want to visit and consider you as an important part of my life when you mentaly abuse me so much?

Then tell her if she wants a relationship with you then she better f88king grow up and start treating you like a daughter.

Good Luck and stay positive, we cant help who brings us into this world but when we reach adulthood we can choose who we want to keep/.

bath handle

O/p your mother is jealous. Many middle aged women lived a very restricted lifestyle when they were your age and younger. Many spent their working lives in a mid calf length navy skirt and earned a small wage. There were mo foreign holidays lord weekends away. Your mother envied your independence,both financiallyand as regards lifestyle. You should poor mouth a bit and pretend things are worse than they are.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies. I guess I know what I need to do but it is so hard to tell a parent you don't want anything to do with them anymore. Believe me I would love to have the strength to do it but it is very hard. I am going to put a lot of distance between us now as I always end up feeling bad about myself around her. What happens though if she keeps playing the victim and the rest of my family think its my fault? I have a feeling that might happen.

onlyrocknroll

Hey OP

I'd agree with what mmmo said. I don't think that any good can come from standing up to her. As you've said she knows how to turn it on you and make you feel guilty.

People like that, who are cruel and passive aggressive, can't really be reasoned with from my experience. She'll might deny anything you say, act hurt, make it sound like you're victimizing her etc. How can you win?

It's not nice advice to give, and I'm sure it's harder to receive, but I think that you should just limit the time you spend in her company as much as possible. Don't confront her, don't announce that you won't spend time with her, just avoid her as much as possible and make excuses when you have to.

Also you should probably learn to accept that what she says is no reflection on you but just a manifestation of her cruelty. If she calls you fat when you're so obviously not then her criticism is obviously not based on anything real. It must be very hard to ignore such harsh words from your own mother, but I think that for your own sense of self worth you just have to distance yourself from her comments.

It sounds really awful for you, I hope things work out.

Firetrap

I think you should try to ensure you don't leave yourself in a position where she can hurt you. I wouldn't recommend cutting her out of your life as that'll cause problems too but in a different way. Better to keep some sort of relationship going.

Two things you definitely need to do are to go home less often and not to bring her clothes shopping with you again. I wouldn't even begin to speculate as to what her problem is but perhaps she is envious of your figure and you being young etc.

Just accept that she is a troubled woman and that for whatever reason, she's horrible to you. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have a great mother and it looks like you drew a short straw here There is nothing wrong with you and it's great that you have this friend of yours who can see the wood from the trees.

You're in the lucky position that you're financially independent and not living with your mum. You can live your life without her at the centre of it - money can't buy that sort of thing.

gypsy_rose

Op,that friend of yours sounds like a very good one if she's losing the head over the way your mother treats you;it shows she really cares. You're an adult,you have your own job and place,why put up with this? Just because she's your mother it doesn't mean u have to be constantly joined at the hip. You're obviously not getting much out of this relationship so why not limit your time with her to times like christmas and a few more and get on with having fun with friends and enjoying being young. Who knows,maybe she'll realise what she's doing and clean up her act. Don't worry about what family thinks,if you're not close enough to them to confide then their opinions are irrelevant to you. For the record you are actually at the ideal weight for your height and have nothing to worry about. Wear whatever you like and enjoy yourself

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all of the kind words. I used to always ignore the insults before but when it has been happening for as long as I remember (not always weight related) I have started believing what she says and that worries me as this has only happening lately. I have become paranoid looking in the mirror and I think I am imagining my ass to be about three times the size it really is. One of the jibes the other day, was that my ass was way too big and it's probably a size 14 and I had to do something about it quickly. Then I was shouted/growled at and she asked me why I was so fat. It's so hard to go about my daily life when I have this constantly in the back of my head and all the insults like I have no friends, everybody laughs at me, everybody thinks that I am fat etc.
I'm just so tired of it as it is making me question every aspect of my body, my life etc. My friend told me to throw the insults back at her to make it seem like it doesn't bother me but what will happen then is she will complain to my Dad about her horrible daughter insulting her and all her insults to me will be forgotten.
I guess I want to get to a stage where if she told me I was the ugliest, fattest, awful person in the world, I still wouldn't care as it's not her behaviour that is bothering me the most, it's the way I can't deal with it and cry for ages after, almost not able to breathe.As far as I'm concerned her behaviour will never change, it has been like this for so long, but I can change my reaction and not let it get to me as much.

SlimCi

Hi there, this is such a sad situation, my heart goes out to you. Your Mum clearly has some unresolved issues.

I may be wrong but you do seem to try to please your Mother by trying to dress suitably etc for her, so you clearly do love her.

My advice would be to talk to your Dad and tell him how you feel about how your Mum speaks to you etc. He is probably your best advocate and sounding board and there may be other psychological things going on with you Mum that you both would then realise. I hope this helps a little, but one piece of advice BE YOURSELF not the person your Mum wants you to be and buy the clothes YOU like. This is your life - make the most of it, enjoy it, its all too short.

Kosseegan

Forget about the father. He is probably hen pecked and will not get involved.

liquoriceall

Hi OP Im sorry that things are so hard for you with your mother but it sounds like there is something wrong with her. I would think that you should consider some counselling to help you deal with this as its not that far off a bereavement to have to majorally distance yourself from a family member.
Good Luck & chin up