Are we asking too much?

LegacyUser

Myself and the OH are getting married in 3 months.

He lost his job and we have been seriously struggling for money.

We are having our reception in a relatives guesthouse and therefore will be supplying alcohol as it is an unlicenced premises.

We are asking guests to contribute €50 each, instead of presents, and also because there will be a huge supply of free alcohol.

When I put this idea to some of our friends, they said "Well, will everyone have the money to pay for that" as if to say we have some cheek in asking.

At any other event or wedding, you would bring a minimum of 50euro for drinks anyway.

Is what we are asking unreasonable?

Esoteric_

I don't think it's wrong to ask people to contribute instead of gifts. I think it's a good idea. However, bear in mind that at a BYOB event, most people would NOT spend fifty euro on drink. 50 in a bar, yes, but at an event where you supply your own drink most people would spend 20-25 tops. That said, that means they're getting all their drink for about 25 euro and giving 25 as a gift, so I don't think you're being bad at all.

Also, my boyfriend read this thread and wanted to say - There's another option, you could put on the invites - either pay 50 euro and get the free drink (put like a white band on their arm) or bring your own and don't worry about the fifty euro. That way, if some people are broke, they don't need to worry about finding fifty euro and any tee-totallers can just look after themselves.

Tuesday_Girl

If this is being asked for instead of a gift then I don't think it's unreasonable, these days most people give cash gifts anyway and often a lot more than E50 on top of what they would then spend at the bar over the course of the evening.

Why don't you just ask for cash gifts instead of positioning it that people are paying for their own drink, people who don't drink or drink very little might have an issue with paying that much money for a few cokes and might feel like they are subsidising the heavier drinkers.

Fentdog84

Logically its not a bad idea, but some people might get awkward if you ask them to stump of the €50. For a variety of reasons. But if you can get the majority of people to do it, why not, if it works.

LegacyUser

Am I going mad here or what?

You are inviting people to a party that you and your partner are hosting and you are asking, no demanding, €50 per person????

Do you understand the concept of hosting a party?

Your wedding is not an entitlement, no matter what your financial circumstances. To ask people to stump up money to attend is downright disgraceful.

If you can't afford it, call it off.

What is going on in Ireland these days????

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

There would be no tee-totallers in our group of friends, the exact opposite.

It is a small wedding, 50 people, and all close family and friends.

I thought about the "asking for cash gifts" thing, but I thought that would be cheeky.

I dont really know wedding etiquette, I have never actually been to a wedding. I am the first of my friends to get married, although a few are engaged.

I just thought, the contribution instead of a gift thing would sound better....

metrovelvet

I would not go because I never drink more than two glasses of anything and I would not want to subsidize other people's piss up when money is so tight these days.

eyeball kid

I think most people would probably give €50 when going to wedding.
Not sure I'd like the idea of told to give this much however.

You could mention that you'd prefer to receive cash instead of a gift but
not actually specify the exact amount?

MagicMarker

I think that's asking a lot, and is a little bit cheeky tbh. If I were one of your guests I would just bring my own drink and not pay anything.

Is this charge optional?

John Mason

Is it E50 per couple? because there is no way in hell we would drink a E100 worth of alcohol between us.

why dont you just tell people its a BYOB. you can get a box of 24 bottles of beer for E20 or 4 bottles of wine for E20.

I think E50 is excessive

and i think the last time i hired a beer tap and a keg of beer it cost E250 - the more i think about this, the crazier it sounds.

i wouldnt go tbh

LittleBook

confused man wrote: »

Am I going mad here or what?

You are inviting people to a party that you and your partner are hosting and you are asking, no demanding, €50 per person????

Do you understand the concept of hosting a party?

Your wedding is not an entitlement, no matter what your financial circumstances. To ask people to stump up money to attend is downright disgraceful.

If you can't afford it, call it off.

What is going on in Ireland these days????

I dream of the day when someone can ask a simple question involving money without being ranted at and accused of having a this "sense of entitlement" everyone gets their knickers in a twist about. :rolleyes:

OP, I can completely see the logic in what you're saying but there are two problems.

Firstly, as Metrovelvet said, €50 for free drink to a person who doesn't drink will not work.

Secondly, let me tell you a story. I'm currently fund-raising for a charity event and I'm a good cook who likes to host dinners for friends and family often. So I floated the idea of having a "gourmet night" and doing a four course meal including wine and asking people to donate €50 to my charity. Now bear in mind that these are all "drinkers".

One of the responses I got was "Pay? For dinner?? Are you mad??? I'll give you the €50 but I'm not paying that for a meal!!"

So it's an odd one for some people. I'd stick with money and vouchers if you guys are strapped and don't need specific gifts. I think people will be more comfortable with that.

Have a great one!

ppink

Not everybody gives presents for weddings. we had several people inlcuding the best man who never gave any gift for our wedding. so maybe putting the €50 on them is kind of forcing them?

The problem with it is if people are not happy with it then they are likely to just not come at all.

can you not set up a bar where people are asked to contribute to the cost....ie set it up that they are paying cost price not bar prices. buy from an off licence that you can return any unused and get someone to man the table and serve.
you will need to provide wine with the meal though.

Miss Fluff

confused man wrote: »

Am I going mad here or what?

You are inviting people to a party that you and your partner are hosting and you are asking, no demanding, €50 per person????

Do you understand the concept of hosting a party?

Your wedding is not an entitlement, no matter what your financial circumstances. To ask people to stump up money to attend is downright disgraceful.

If you can't afford it, call it off.

What is going on in Ireland these days????

Couldn't agree more. If you can't afford to host a party then don't throw one. If someone asked me to "contribute" which basically amounts to paying to attend someone ELSE'S wedding then I wouldn't go on principle. It's simply not seemly and would leave a very bad taste in my mouth. And I couldn't agree more re comments relating to non-drinkers. If I was the designated driver or on antibiotics I'd be pretty p1ssed off at having to pay €50 for a couple of sparkling waters!

You need to buy booze in bulk and at cost if you want people to have a few drinks at your wedding.

m'lady

I can see the logic in this, however I would not go! The reason being is I would not appreciate being told exactly how much I have to contribute to a wedding that is not my own. I think it could be looked at as being very cheeky, more so than just asking for cash only gifts.

I think the white band around wrist is a great idea..for a charity event etc, but not a wedding (it screams tacky to me), and it would also highlight those who didnt pay 'the fee'.

I honestly don't understand why couples put this stress on themselves,when they evidently cannot afford it.

Anyway good luck with your day, I hope it all goes well.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

The way I see it, you can either afford to throw a wedding party of that variety, or you can't. If you can't then you need to suck that up and cut your cloth accordingly. I think charging your guests like your wedding is some kind of must attend ticketed event is a terrible idea.

It's not only tacky but hugely presumptuous and you may be unpleasantly surprised and encounter further money issues if few people want to attend & enjoy an event entirely for your own benefit that you are A) clearly struggling to finance and expecting them to sponsor.

I think you'd be much better off either saving up until you can afford the kind of party you want, having a very small wedding party that you can afford and throwing a more open invitation party down the local pub in which people can come along at their own expense or not or something similar.

All the best.

tbh

irishbird wrote: »

Is it E50 per couple? because there is no way in hell we would drink a E100 worth of alcohol between us.

why dont you just tell people its a BYOB. you can get a box of 24 bottles of beer for E20 or 4 bottles of wine for E20.

I think E50 is excessive

and i think the last time i hired a beer tap and a keg of beer it cost E250 - the more i think about this, the crazier it sounds.

i wouldnt go tbh

agree with every word here. If you can't afford the wedding you want, scale back. I wouldn't go either.

Tuesday_Girl

In my experience, most couples these days bank on getting enough cash from their guests to pay most of the cost of the wedding and often specifically request cash instead of gifts. It's not uncommon for a couple to give €200 as a wedding gift so I don't see what's so different here? I agree it's a bit upfront to ask people to pay for their drinks and therefore suggested just asking for cash gifts instead but many people would spend at least €50 on drinks at a wedding as well as bringing a gift whereas in this case the couple are asking for a €50 contribution to the bar costs and that's it.

Ickle Magoo

Razzle wrote: »

In my experience, most couples these days bank on getting enough cash from their guests to pay most of the cost of the wedding ....

Not true in all cases - I know of a few couples who have specifically stated that no gift is necessary because they are aware of how much expense already going into a wedding for their guests and they are aware that the purpose of guests is not to bankroll the event the couple want - but to witness it.

MagicMarker

Guest2011111 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far.

There would be no tee-totallers in our group of friends, the exact opposite.

It is a small wedding, 50 people, and all close family and friends.

I thought about the "asking for cash gifts" thing, but I thought that would be cheeky.

I dont really know wedding etiquette, I have never actually been to a wedding. I am the first of my friends to get married, although a few are engaged.

I just thought, the contribution instead of a gift thing would sound better....

50 people x €50 = €2500

How much could it possibly cost to have the reception at a licenced establishement?

OP, if you're seriously struggling for money then why not pospone the wedding until you can afford it?

John Mason

MagicMarker wrote: »

50 people x €50 = €2500

How much could it possibly cost to have the reception at a licenced establishement?

OP, if you're seriously struggling for money then why not pospone the wedding until you can afford it?

well, you are talking 40e a head for a 3 course meal so 40e x 50 = e2,000.

so it appears to be a money making scheme - the guests are paying for more then their drinks.

seriously OP, no-one would spend e2,500 on alcohol for 50 people.

Or maybe its not 50 people paying.

Take out the

Bride and Groom = 48
Mother & Father of Bride = 46
Mother & Father of Groom = 44
Bridesmaid x1 = 43
Groomsman x1 = 42
Granny x2 = 40
Brothers and Sisters x 4 = 36

Belladance

I would much prefer to be asked to bring 50 euro to a wedding where I'll get free food and drink, rather than worry about bringing cash to buy my own drink for the night AND give a gift. Lets face it, most people will give a gift of money and it usually is about 100 euro am i right? Any wedding i've been to, myself and my fella have given 150 between us. For close friends and family. I think you are dead right in what your doing. People should be relieved that it takes pressure off them for giving a gift. Most people would spend about 200 euro attending a wedding between gifts and drinking money.

Go for it and best of luck x

seamus

irishbird wrote: »

so it appears to be a money making scheme - the guests are paying for more then their drinks.

seriously OP, no-one would spend e2,500 on alcohol for 50 people.

That's extremely unfair IB. I've seen the Xmas party beer bill in our place of 30 people and it often comes to well over €3,000 when people start throwing in shorts and cocktails and the like.

The OP has already stated that everyone invited isn't shy of the drink, so it's reasonable to assume that on a good night out/long day you'd spend €50 on alcohol alone, or the guts of it. Fiver a pint and €8 for a shot + mixer.

She did state that the €50 isn't just for the booze, it's for the whole day. €50 for a 3-course meal and an open bar, sounds like a great deal to me.

However, this is a wedding, not a birthday party or something like that. It's both unfair and rude (IMO) to invite someone to the occasion and ask them to pay for their food. Weddings cause funny things in people. Some people, if asked to contribute €50, will not go, even if the day was going to cost them €200. Some people will go and not contribute. What do you do about them? Other people will hear your request for €50 in lieu of a present, but give you €50 and a present anyway, and then resent you for it.

I think the best option here is to let it be known that your OH has lost his job and money has become an issue. Speak to the relative running the guesthouse and see what they think of a BYOB situation. If they're happy to do that, then I would send a simple text or email out to your guests explaining that you wanted an open bar, but recent circumstance means that you have to cut back. And as the guesthouse is unlicenced, they can't pay for drinks on the night, so ask them if they could bring enough drink for themselves on the night, that would be much appreciated.

People don't get annoyed when there's no free bar at a wedding, and they'll understand your predicament. What you'll probably find is that some or a small group will club together and bring far more alcohol than you could ever drink, or someone may step in and offer to pay for the open bar.

tinkerbell

Yes OP ye ARE asking too much. It is so rude to invite people to a party that you are hosting and say that they have to contribute to the bill. If you can't afford it scale it back. If your financial situation is in a bad way, then you don't throw a massive party with tons of free drink.

Seriously, what is wrong with people and weddings? They just think that just coz it's their wedding day that they can be completely unreasonable and totally out of touch with reality. If you can't afford it, don't throw the party.

Beruthiel

irishbird wrote: »

why dont you just tell people its a BYOB.

This is what I would do tbh. Ask people to bring whatever they would like to drink on the night.
Asking everyone to cough up 50 quid each is bang out of order.

King of Kings

metrovelvet wrote: »

I would not go because I never drink more than two glasses of anything and I would not want to subsidize other people's piss up when money is so tight these days.

I disgaree - 50quid instead of a wedding present is good value (100 per couple)
Furthermore as a small gathering of family and friends - they should understand the position that you are in and be happy to give youa present in that way.

People who moan are moaning for the sake of it and in fact are quite selfish.
The same people would probably moan if you got married and had no reception.
They can't have it both ways.

Maybe you should see about dropping people from your guest list and go out with your real friends.
Perhaps your mistake was to linking the 50 to alochol instead of just saying you'd appreciate cash as a present.

I can honestly say that none of my frends (or close family) would mind this arrangement.

Ickle Magoo

King of Kings wrote: »

I disgaree - 50quid instead of a wedding present is good value (100 per couple)

It isn't a cheap package holiday in which guests should consider themselves lucky and getting away with a bargain for a day out they really want - it's supposed to be something a couple chooses to do in the hope the people they like/love want to take the time to share in THEIR day. Presents should be entirely optional and the value of which should up to the guest in question; it should not be a pre-requisite to an invite and certainly not an expectation to off-set the costs that the couple couldn't afford otherwise...

I don't know why there is this twisted view that guests should be thankful and grateful to snaffle a seat at a wedding and the only proper recourse is to ensure their gift covers any and all costs incurred by the poor couple for having to invite all these people and throw this big do for themselves. Seems like entirely the wrong way to look at what weddings, receptions & guests actually are.

Miss Fluff

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Presents should be entirely optional and the value of which should up to the guest in question; it should not be a pre-requisite to an invite and certainly not an expectation to off-set the costs that the couple couldn't afford otherwise...

Couldn't agree more. This increasingly common expectation that gifts will "pay" for the wedding is vulgar and crass.

If a couple can't afford to have their dream wedding themselves then don't have it. Simple.

Daisy M

I dont like the sound of this idea it sounds tacky and money grabbing. Could you not just trust that your guests, who are after all close family and friends, will want to gift you something for your big day. The last thing you want your wedding to be remembered for is as a money grabbing event, I would be a little hurt if I thought someone close to me felt that I needed to be asked in advance for a gift and would question if I was been asked for my presence or my present, also would feel if I was asked for xamount that more was probably expected.
We as a couple would in the past have given 150e as a standard wedding gift and 200e to close friends and family. Have decided to reduce this to 100/120e and 150e which I think is still pretty generous. However if I going to a wedding with a free bar (never have) I would add in an extra bit to cover that.
You should go to the north for your alcohol huge savings still to be made on that it will definetly save you money, also tesco allow you to return any unopened bottles/cans for cash back so you dont need to worry about having too much. Would this tread not be better suited in the wedding forum?

humanji

I think some people are being a bit mean to the OP for floating an idea. You don't have to like the idea, but it's a bit strong to act outraged at the thought of it.

As said above, a BYOB would be the best option, and maybe if you can put some money together yourselves for some wine or sparkling wine, for the toast. Failing that, wait until you can actually afford the type of reception you want.

LegacyUser

I don't think I'd have an issue with it.

Normally I'd give 100 euro as a gift... if I was in a couple that would be 150.

I think that if it's only close friends and family going and they know your predicament then they'd happily agree.

Think of those weddings abroad where the couple are trying to save money and 70 people travel abroad paying for flights, accomodation, food etc and have to take time off work AND give a present. (70 people x 500 quid = 35k + the cost of the actual wedding)

A friend of mine is doing something similar to you this year and I've told him to factor in a gift of 50 quid per head for everyone. I think I'm going to have to buy him a suit for a present.

If you're worried about people's reactions then don't ask for the cash but I'd presume you'd be in line for 50 from most people and make it BYOB.

I'd rather go to the wedding of a friend and help him or her out than for them to feel that they couldn't have a nice day out.


Have a great day and enjoy the party

Oryx

You cant ask for a mandatory payment for drink. It will just get up peoples noses, even if they would put away double what the pay for in booze. It is acceptable to ask for cash gifts, so if you must, thats what you should do.

An additional problem with a free bar is that people can go crazy on it. They either consume or waste more drink than on a normal outing, simply because its free.

You could ask a local bar if they are able to facilitate a supply of drink under their licence (not sure if they can but worth a shot) which is served as in a normal pub. Or you could hire your own barman and charge a nominal fee for each drink to cover costs*. I think you need someone to serve the drink anyway, it will keep the whole thing a lot more civilised.

*not strictly legal under licensing laws, so beware.

common sense brigade

I dont agree with telling people what to bring as wedding gifts. I think its bad manners and you can bet it will create bad vibes. The thing i would say is most people I know give 100-150 Euro in a card at weddings. Some bring gifts but the majority give cash. So say nothing you will more than likely end up with cash anyway. and you wont have hurt anyones feelings.It is also acceptable to charge 2 Euro a drink at these kind of events I think. So if you did that you would be fine.

ongarboy

I would also say it's kind of like a reverse psychology thing. e.g. Most couples would generally and happily give 150 or even more as a cash gift. But if it was stipulated on the invitation that guests must give 100 euro per couple, that would annoy them even though the groom/bride were asking for (demanding) less than what the guest would have considered giving. It just comes across as really crass and would annoy most people. People don't like being told what to give.

As others have said, if you can't afford to host a party with drinks/nibbles than don't have it or scale it down signficantly. If you still want to go ahead with it, Lidl/Aldi/Tesco etc has affordable beer/wine/spirits - why not stock up there - it wouldn't break the bank. If your guests are actual friends of yours, they will most likely give you gifts anyway (cash or otherwise).

ebbsy

ongarboy wrote: »

I would also say it's kind of like a reverse psychology thing. e.g. Most couples would generally and happily give 150 or even more as a cash gift. But if it was stipulated on the invitation that guests must give 100 euro per couple, that would annoy them even though the groom/bride were asking for (demanding) less than what the guest would have considered giving. It just comes across as really crass and would annoy most people. People don't like being told what to give.

As others have said, if you can't afford to host a party with drinks/nibbles than don't have it or scale it down signficantly. If you still want to go ahead with it, Lidl/Aldi/Tesco etc has affordable beer/wine/spirits - why not stock up there - it wouldn't break the bank. If your guests are actual friends of yours, they will most likely give you gifts anyway (cash or otherwise).

+1

Let the guests give what they can.

Its also very difficult to find out how much booze to buy for 50 people, which is the OP's real problem here. its like food you need to have too much rather than too little. Asking people to bring their own drink could be offputting, sure you would do it when going to a house party but your wedding ? Also is their enough facilities in the guesthouse to keep the drinks cold ? This needs to be constantly monitored throughout the evening.

Is it the right location I wonder.

MagicMarker

Everyone is saying it's normal to be giving 100-150 in a card for a wedding, I wouldn't even give that to a family member on their birthday ffs!

Crazy stuff altogether, no wonder people get married.

Miss Fluff

MagicMarker wrote: »

Everyone is saying it's normal to be giving 100-150 in a card for a wedding, I wouldn't even give that to a family member on their birthday ffs!

Crazy stuff altogether, no wonder people get married.

A "friend" of mine got married recently and she actually said to my face a few months prior to the wedding that she felt it was her time and that she was "owed back" from all the weddings she attended and gave money as gifts. :eek::eek::eek: Needless to say Miss Fluff did not give cash and is still trying to source a set of his n' hers bathrobes....:D

Stella2010

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Couldn't agree more. This increasingly common expectation that gifts will "pay" for the wedding is vulgar and crass.

If a couple can't afford to have their dream wedding themselves then don't have it. Simple.

Couldn't agree more - the height of bad manners.
I'm honestly stuck for words for once.

I would in no uncertain terms tell you a big no if you put said stipulation on any invite I received.

Like having a posh 21st but saying you can't really afford it and charging everyone in.
Simply baffles me why people think because they are getting married they can totally lose the run of themselves and become like preying mantis on their " guests "
You can't afford it don't do it.
Do you really want your guests to remember your wedding day as the one they had to pay for ?

Ms.Odgeynist

Hi OP,
I feel for you.
At a wedding a few years ago, friends of ours had a similar problem.
They bought kegs etc and supplied all the wine - huge expense.
They had intended charging as with any bar.
They got around it by charging people for cards with three or four circles on it, much like a loyalty card at a coffee shop.
Each card covered roughly the cost price of the booze.
After each drink one circle was punched.
They did have to employ a bar man but it was a small price compared to the drink for the day.
It also bypassed the licensing laws as people were paying for cards, like raffle cards, that each resulted in the buyer winning 4 drinks.
Best of luck in any case.

MissFlitworth

People hate being asked for a certain amount for wedding presents, you'll probably just end up getting up the noses of everyone you invite. I think as well there's a difference between people giving money as a gift and people being asked to pay towards the cost of your wedding, even if it all boils down to the same thing in the end! Do you really want to have to spend the weeks leading up to your wedding & day of the wedding going around like a debt collector as well? What would you do if people just didn't give you the 50 quid a pop, could you afford what you're planning then? You'll have absolutely no way of making people hand it over without either starting world war 3 or spending your wedding day tense & upset.

It sounds, to me, like a horrible idea that will annoy your guests and leave you like a basket case on your wedding day! Probably be better to have the day you can afford yourselves & politely get the word out that you'd prefer cash gifts to actual presents & see how that goes for you.

King of Kings

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Presents should be entirely optional and the value of which should up to the guest in question; it should not be a pre-requisite to an invite and certainly not an expectation to off-set the costs that the couple couldn't afford otherwise...
:

Presents are "optional" . I'll agree with that theory but ask you in reality what tight arse would go to a wedding with no present?
As for the off set thing - I agree however 50 isn't huge as a present

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't know why there is this twisted view that guests should be thankful and grateful to snaffle a seat at a wedding and the only proper recourse is to ensure their gift covers any and all costs incurred by the poor couple for having to invite all these people and throw this big do for themselves. Seems like entirely the wrong way to look at what weddings, receptions & guests actually are.

perhaps? But if you're not thankful to be there perhaps you shouldn't be there top toast the new couple

The Op made the mistake of linking the money to the drink instead of requesting a cash present - which in my view is quite acceptable.

LegacyUser

OP, you have made a dreadful social faux-pas.

Asking for money is totally outre when you are hosting a wedding.

It is seen as 'grabby' and vulgar.

shellyboo

I dunno, this is a very peculiarly Irish problem.

If you turned around and told your close friends and family that you had to cancel your wedding as you can no longer afford it, they'd be absolutely FALLING over themselves to chip in and help. Guaranteed. Those who could afford more would give more, and nobody would feel one bit slighted by contributing. They'd relish the opportunity to swoop in and help someone out.

But god forbid you actually ask your close friends and family for help. That's selfish, money-grabbing, etc.

It's all about the way you go about it, it seems. Asking straight out for others to essentially pay for your wedding is a massive no-no (it seems, though I'd rather ask straight out for help than play ridiculous wedding mind games with my guests) so you just need another approach.

Perhaps rather than saying "everyone give us 50 quid", say no gifts are needed, but if people feel the need to give a gift, that a contribution to the wedding costs would be greatly appreciated. Then let it be known (families love to gossip) that you're struggling with managing to pay since your partner lost his job, and hopefully enough people will feel sorry for you!

seamus

shellyboo wrote: »

I dunno, this is a very peculiarly Irish problem.

If you turned around and told your close friends and family that you had to cancel your wedding as you can no longer afford it, they'd be absolutely FALLING over themselves to chip in and help. Guaranteed. Those who could afford more would give more, and nobody would feel one bit slighted by contributing. They'd relish the opportunity to swoop in and help someone out.

But god forbid you actually ask your close friends and family for help. That's selfish, money-grabbing, etc.

That's it in a nutshell. An honourable Irish person asks for help from no-one and offers it to everyone.

That's why I mentioned at the end of my last post that if you admit that money issues are causing you to scale back your wedding, most people will bring more than their fair share to the table.

Penny Dreadful

shellyboo wrote: »

I dunno, this is a very peculiarly Irish problem.

If you turned around and told your close friends and family that you had to cancel your wedding as you can no longer afford it, they'd be absolutely FALLING over themselves to chip in and help. Guaranteed. Those who could afford more would give more, and nobody would feel one bit slighted by contributing. They'd relish the opportunity to swoop in and help someone out.

But god forbid you actually ask your close friends and family for help. That's selfish, money-grabbing, etc.

It's all about the way you go about it, it seems. Asking straight out for others to essentially pay for your wedding is a massive no-no (it seems, though I'd rather ask straight out for help than play ridiculous wedding mind games with my guests) so you just need another approach.

Perhaps rather than saying "everyone give us 50 quid", say no gifts are needed, but if people feel the need to give a gift, that a contribution to the wedding costs would be greatly appreciated. Then let it be known (families love to gossip) that you're struggling with managing to pay since your partner lost his job, and hopefully enough people will feel sorry for you!

Or as other people have said you could just not have a wedding that you clearly cannot afford. It costs SFA to actually get married, the reception is an optional extra. If I were in the position of the OP I'd rather just get married with my two witnesses/ immediate family/ whoever really mattered to me and then go for an inexpensive lunch afterward or have a meal in your own house. Later, when the financial burden has eased celebrate an anniversary, renew your vows, do whatever you can afford NOT what you want your guests to pay for.

iguana

guest201111 wrote: »

We are having our reception in a relatives guesthouse and therefore will be supplying alcohol as it is an unlicenced premises.

We are asking guests to contribute €50 each, instead of presents, and also because there will be a huge supply of free alcohol.

When I put this idea to some of our friends, they said "Well, will everyone have the money to pay for that" as if to say we have some cheek in asking.

At any other event or wedding, you would bring a minimum of 50euro for drinks anyway.

We had our wedding in our house and supplied all of the alcohol and it cost us about €500. And we had LOADS of alcohol left over, we even sent several boxes of wine back to the supplier for a refund. Just cut your coat according to your cloth, don't try to charge your guests for what you can't afford. It's seriously vulgar.

tinkerbell

Exactly - you just need to explain to your friends that unfortunately due to money issues, you need to scale back. People will help you out y'know. They just won't help if they are forced to.

LegacyUser

another way would be to maybe ask everyone to bring a bottle {nicely} people dont mind that idea as much, they usually bring enough for themselfs, sounds better than bringing money to pay for your choice of drinks.

dellas1979

So, let me get this...if you charge them the e50, they dont have to give you a gift?

Cause if thats the case, I say fair enough. I would normally put 50 upwards in a card, simply because it should be enought to cover the meal and a little bit extra. I take it there is food of some sort???

But if you are asking people to come into the house, pay e50 for booze you bought cheap, and then a present, I think you are codding yourself.

Brussels Sprout

I think it's a very practical idea but unfortunately it constitutes a social faux pas. Although you would expect the majority of people coming to a wedding to bring gifts and a lot of those gifts will be cash you just can't ask for cash. It's just too grubby and makes the whole experience seem like a business transaction rather than a celebration.

Some of the angry responses in the this thread are ridiculously over the top by the way.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the people who gave constructive advice and opinions.

@dellas1979: We are thinking of asking for the contribution instead of a gift, so no, we would not expect nor ask guests to bring a gift and we would make sure they know this. We would much prefer to have a nice party with our close friends and family to celebrate our wedding, than to have gifts and understand that choosing gifts can be hard and thought this would be a nice idea. Yes there will be a 3 course buffet (with four main course choices) and wedding cake. Also there will be finger food in the evening. All guests will be there for the whole event.

In response to a few who thinks it sounds tacky/grubby/a social faux pas - All of our family and friends know and understand our financial position. Also, we have had a seriously tough time (I won't go into on this in case anyone I know is lurking) the last 16 months and I thought our family and friends would be more than happy to contribute. I haven't put this idea (by the way this was my fathers idea, not mine) to many yet, only a handful, and most have said it is a brilliant idea and would more than happy, but just one person said "Well do you think everyone will be able to pay that", hence why I felt the need to come on and ask others opinion.

Thanks again for the advice.

LegacyUser

I got married, had a reception, cost about €5,000 altogether.

Got about €1,000 in gifts which I genuinely felt very humbled and in fact embarrassed to receive.

In fact, we were speechless when we saw what people had put in their cards.

We had expected some gifts of course, being honest, but nowhere near that much. I can tell you now that the best bit was the pride in giving our family and friends an enjoyable day and night of our own backs and to feel like genuine hosts for the day.

It saddens me that you won't have this at all by charging money to attend.

You've been given loads of great tips here, why not channel your energy into making the day one to remember that you have made happen yourselves using your own money and intuition?

I guarantee that your guests will enjoy a glass of wine from a €10 box if they are not totting up how many more they have paid for.