Depressed, Scared and Alone

LegacyUser

Registered user going unregistered for this one.

Bit of background; I'm a 23 year old male, living in north Co. Wicklow. I've been aware that I'm most likely gay and less likely bisexual since I was about 15 or so.

I am completely lost as to what I can do to make myself happy. I recently moved out of my parents house and into accomodation with some friends of mine (guys I would consider to be amongst my best friends). As mentioned above, I'm fairly certain I'm gay, but sometimes think I'm bisexual. I'm pretty confused sometimes, to be honest.

I am totally terrified of coming out at all. Casual homophobia is rampant in the house with any negative things being "gay", calling people "faggót" and "queer", accusations of being gay flung about as weapons, etc.

In work, it's a common little put-down at me that I'm gay and that I'm having sexual contact with men, including my housemates. While it is all in good fun for the lads saying it, they don't realise how cutting it is. It really upsets me and it can sometimes be so awful and crude that I simply don't know how to respond.

These people all seem to find homosexuality repugnant and awful. One of the lads I lived with even had a big monologue about how he finds the thought of it purely disgusting and doesn't know how anyone could even consider it. All I could do was nod and say nothing, feeling myself dying a little inside.

While my family are not as open with their criticisms of being gay, I don't think they'd be too liberal on the subject either. I'm also an only child, so I'm probably expected to provide my parents with grandchildren later on in life.

I do not know how many nights I have sat in my room, frightened that my sexuality will be exposed by a careless statement or remark, scared of what impact it will have upon my life.

In terms of sexual contact, I have actually NEVER had physical sexual contact with another male in my life. All my sexual encounters in the past have been with women and all have left me fairly unsatisfied/unmoved. I do watch a good bit of gay porn and surf gay chatrooms and so on.

I just feel I can't live the lie anymore, but I know that I'm most likely going to face some amount of derision, isolation and torment if I do come out and try to be myself. I cry myself to sleep so many nights, wanting to just be able to be proud and happy with who I am. Melodramatic as it might sound, I'm in tears as I'm writing this, as it reads back so badly to me and it sounds so much worse when I see it written out.

I feel that if I was to come out, I would be risking friendships, my accomodation, my job, relations with my family, etc. Risking an awful lot. Sometimes it is easy to hide it, but that I don't seem overly interested in girls and that I havent had a proper girlfriend since I was about 17 adds to the speculation from some people.

I see people recalling how their friends and family stood strong behind them and loved them unconditionally when they came out... I deeply regret that I simply cannot see that happening here. I would genuinely fear that I'd be ostracised and told where to go...

For anyone that answers to this thread, I thank you sincerely in advance. Any and all advice that anyone can give me is so, so appreciated, you have no idea. Thank you so much for reading the above.

Sorry if the post is a bit long...

hare05

Firstly, *hugs*

It is hard to take the first exploratory steps... but something that may not have crossed your mind is that you don't have to tell them, at least not yet.
Also, although I would advise caution for the moment... most homophobia in houses full of young men is usually just grand standing. They realise they're guys living with guys and they may be just masking insecurity with bravado.

Go to the local college in September and find the lgbt society. A face to face chat with someone who's gone through similar confusion helps immensely. Even head to Dublin, go to a gay bar and just see what happens!

Parents are a sensitive matter but know that they love you first and foremost, and they will come around if you give them some time.

As for bi or gay, there is a difference, but right now why does it matter? Just be yourself. Whether you date a man or a woman is insignificant. All that matters is that you be happy with yourself.

CdeC

hey OP,
Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. You're in an important part of your life where you want to express yourself but are unable to do so as you feel it may lead to social isolation.
My own experience as a teen I had mostly male friends who made gay jokes all the time. When I eventually came out not one of them dumped me as a friend. I took it slowly and tole one person in confidence and it followed on from there. I hope that you have one person in your life who you can trust like that.
Also looking back the one thing I really could have done with was gay friends with similar interests. People who I can relate to and trust. Being gay isn't just about sex, it is also a part of who you are.
There are loads of clubs and societies out there now and I would urge you to take that leap and join one, more now than ever before. Just go along to a meeting or something like that. take your time and dont rush into anything.

Examples.

Belongto.com

Wet and Wild (adventure sports club) they have a facebook page

ongarboy

Hi OP,

also hugs to you xx. My heart goes out to you for feeling so lonely and isolated at this difficult time. I know it is not much comfort to you right now but there are 1000s of decent, kind and understanding genuine gay people out there and living near you (Dublin/Wicklow etc - many of whom are in very similar circumstances to you). I would hope you try and make contact with at least one of them so that you don't feel like you are going through this entirely alone. There is Belongto, a group that is there for young LGBT people up to 23 that you could contact. Outhouse on Capel Street in Dublin is a welcoming place also where you can meet other people. Even talking to the Samaritans would help you - talking to someone who is non judgemental is a great comfort. Even using this online community is a great start - welcome to your community - you do have friends here who understand you and want to help you!

Is there one person in your world that you could trust to confide in so that you are not carrying this around completely by yourself? (perhaps a female friend or relative). As the other poster said, while your mates go around making all those homophobic comments, often it is bravado and them trying to justify their manliness (any straight guy completely comfortable with their own sexuality never feel the need to make such comments). I would imagine if they knew you were gay, they would change their act. If they didn't, you would then need to question whether they really are your "friends".

But that should not be your immediate focus right now. I think you first need to make contact with one other person who you can share and discuss your feelings. I assure you, what you have kept hidden inside for all those years will not feel such a burden when you have opened up about it. I think most of us all went through this, and yes, it is so difficult at the start (I only came out at 25/26 and while I was scared about doing it, it was the most liberating and best thing I have ever done - I was finally being honest to myself (which was even more important to being honest to other people).

Be brave and make the next progressive step of talking to someone who you can trust or avail of some of the services advised above. You deserve to be happy!

lottpaul

Hello OP,
like the others I'm so very very sorry that you're in this situation right now, and they have given you good and solid advice. It may not be easy to follow it right now, but perhaps just pick one thing and do it - just take a deep breath and take the chance
It's very true that there are many people in the same situation as yourself, but almost as important there are many people who were in the same situation and have come safely through to the other side.
Your peers are behaving like a typical bunch of early 20's males - for better or for worse, but they are not likely to be a permanent fixture of your life. Your parents on the other hand will be, but you are going to have to be patient with them - and with yourself. You'll always be their "baby" and the idea of you having a relationship with a man - or a woman - may not have them immediately jumping about and waving flags
I'm closer in age to them than to you and in our time the idea of being gay was just not talked about but, you know, they may not be as innocent as you think and are bound to have met some gay people during their lives.
Bottom line is though they do love you - even if they do not fully know you yet - and given all of the time you have spent thinking about this they will need plenty as well.
Just take it easy, one step at a time, there are people there to support you and we'll all be rooting for you too.. Hugs

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks to all the above replies, reading through them brought an awful lot of comfort.

It had not been a good day for me... I had a bickering match with one of the closest friends I have (one of the guys I'm living with) and I've just felt down about myself and everything all day since. It was literally over nothing, but I just got so angry and frustrated that I snapped at him and he snapped back and so on. The worst of it is, he's probably one of maybe 2 or 3 people I would trust enough to tell, but I feel (for the moment at least) that I can't now.

The other person that sprung to my mind is one of my oldest, closest friends. She is just one of the best friends I've ever had, but she is going through a REALLY rough time right now and I don't really want to add to her burden at all.

While I simply know that I should talk to someone, I am one of those people who finds it incredibly hard to talk about anything personal to me. I clam up, smile and laugh and say "It's alright!" whenever I'm asked. I cannot talk about anything, partly because I'm not used to it, partly because I fear that if I show weakness by talking (stupid thoughts, I know) that it can be used against me later...

I'm also a fairly shy person, but I hide it behind an outgoing exterior, but I'm very uncomfortable around unfamiliar people and places. But I hope to overcome this, and I might get out and see if I can meet up some of these groups.

Thanks for listening!

Aard

ScaredAndAlone wrote: »

The other person that sprung to my mind is one of my oldest, closest friends. She is just one of the best friends I've ever had, but she is going through a REALLY rough time right now and I don't really want to add to her burden at all.

Tell her. For god's sake, tell her. Seriously, telling people you're gay does not add to their burden. They either get upset (homophobes) or they don't (rest of the world). It's not like they're the one carrying around this big shameful secret, if you will. And on the off-chance that it does weigh heavily on her, and she begins to cry herself to sleep at night over it -- it will mean a shared and halved problem for you. Be selfish; put yourself first.

DubArk

O.P
Judging by your post you’re well able to express yourself. You’re an articulate young man who is just grappling with your sexuality versus your world, I remember those days well and how they can paralyse you with fear! Remain calm, you’ll get there. You’re just going through the motions of coming out. Most of us have similar stories behind us or facing us…. You’ll be fine; it may not seem like that now but believe me, YOU WILL BE FINE.

common sense brigade

so sorry to hear your feeling so lost. all i can say is your friends might be more easy going on the issue than you think. loasdsa guys make noises and insults about being Gay but when push comes to shove they are decent people who wouldnt really be bothered ur gay at all. some of your mates prob already know and are living in the same house as you anyway. some people will be cruel and homophobic but they are dopes and your better off without them. if it comes out and there is a problem where your living , you have options. you could move into anothe rented houseshare or move home, or get your own place.
as for your parents they may be shocked but im sure they will come around as they love you. and as for kids there is nothing saying in todays day and age that you might not be able to have kids through adoption or fostering or even surrogacy in the future once your in a committed relationship.
start going out to Gay bars and clubs and start meeting people like yourslef, you may find yourslef with a whole new set of accepting friends and even meet someone special.
im sorry i cant give better advice im an old married lady with not much experience i just feel sorry for you. cos your worrying about something you shouldnt have to worry about. i would hate for my daughter to be lost like this.

df1985

Hi OP,

The first part of your post sounded like my exact situation till not very long ago. Im 25, also an only child and my mates are the biggest bunch of louty lads you can imagine, like to think theyre all macho straight boys. Everthing is referred to as gay, queer, people are called ******s the whole time. No one suspected a thing about me, as "straight" as they come.

I thought the world would stop and my life would come crashing down on me if I was to come out-id lose my mates, theyd tell everyone etc.I only did it 2 months ago and its still an ongoing process. I had sat in on conversations where someone would rant about their disgust about gay people etc, and I agree it was horrible, I would wreck my head thinking about it.

But now that I did it, Ive been amazed at how the lads have reacted. None of them care, even the ones i had worried about. One of them is racist, sexist, you name it.....i was sure he'd freak. I told him and he went up and bought a round, hes now always calling round to watch football etc, we go for rounds of gold bla bla-point is you'd be suprised at how people take it. A friends loyalty is to you, regardless of your sexuality, all my mates just want me to be happy now that they know. The guys who had their rants are the lads who patted me on my back, shook my hand etc. when I told them.

2 months on and its hardly an issue.

What youre confused about is perfectly normal, it took me a long time to accept who i was, im tried my damned hardest to be straight, slept with girls right up till last year. I came out as gay but tbh Im prob not 100% "gay", more 85-15 of ye get me.that little 15 caused confusion for a long time.

Dont confuse casual homophobia with real homophobia. I came out and for a while the lads didnt know how to tiptoe around it. theyd call things gay etc and then apologise like eejits whered id just laugh it off. Point is they dont mean it as a personal attack/insult.

DeVore

Dude, firstly, you arent alone. Look at this forum for starters!

Secondly (and I'm not banging my own drum here, not in the least), one of the primary if not THE primary in my mind when I was thinking about starting Boards was so that people like you could find, meet and talk to people like you.

And no, I dont mean "gay" I mean people who felt they are alone be they "nerds", "gays" "stamp collectors" whatever . People marginalised by "norms" (a derisory term I reserve for people who are closed minded to the breadth of the human condition).

You arent alone. Not by a long shot.

If your friends cant deal with homosexuality, that sounds like *they* are the ones who have a problem. Let them deal with it. And if they cant accept you, are they really your friends?

One final thing I genuinely wish everyone in your position would come to understand: It gets better. It gets sooo soooo much better. I've seen friends getting past this stage and realising they were making a bigger deal of things than anyone else was and it really really got better.

So dont be afraid, don't fear or feel alone. I'm sure a dozen people would go out for a beer with you if you posted that you wanted that. I would!
Don't let depression grip you, kick it in the head grab your life and love it. ****ing LOVE it and it only gets better.


DeV.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Just on the point someone made about me talking to my best friend that I mentioned who was having a hard time... I didn't probably emphasise how hard a time she has had. Two close friends of hers have committed suicide within the last month, one of whom she was very close to. In this man's suicide note, he mentioned her an awful lot and professed a love for her that he could not bring himself to tell her about. You can just imagine how she felt about it, and how she still feels. I don't want to add more to her plate as it is, to be perfectly honest.

Today was a very low point for me. I was alone in my house more or less all day, and was crying for an awful lot of that time. I only actually half-cheered up when one of my housemates came home from work and we went to the shops and I got out to work. Taking my mind off it did work.

But I think I'm still "fighting" with the friend I had the bickering match with. And I hate this. He is one of the best friends I've ever had, and I love him to bits (in a platonic way!). I hate this awkward silence and not seeing each other, and I really think I can trust and confide in him.

I hope to iron out this disagreement later on and hopefully we can have a bit of a talk. I hope it goes well... it's a huge gamble for me, because if he reacts badly (but I really don't think he will) I could lose absolutely everything I have in my life at the moment. I'd be totally f**king ruined, no joke. Everything that I have and that I have worked so hard for could be dashed in a single instance. But I think I know in my heart of hearts, no matter what disagreement we may have had, that this guy is my best friend (or one of my best friends anyway) and that he will be my rock...

Fingers crossed anyway! Thanks again to anyone who's read this and has replied. I'm taking great comfort from reading the posts. Thank you.

DeVore

Relax, take a deep deeep breath and realise that you are 23, you have you whole life ahead of you mate.

Losing a friend or having a blowup argument with them is horrible but its not the end of your world. I've had some really serious rows with friends, very good friends, and we didnt talk for weeks and its so awful but if you are really both friends, you'll find a way because both sides are actively looking for a way to make it better.

And hey, if you were having a bad day.... why not come on here and say hi! Don't sit alone being all introspective!

I have depression. Its a family thing. I'm not ashamed of it, its genetic. But I have to remember to fight it. Its a bugger because it creeps up on you so I have to make sure it doesnt. The best way to do that is to communicate with people, get out of the inside of your own head.

Don't feel like you can post too often in this thread, we arent about to run out of electrons any time soon... we've just stocked the server up

Be well mate, don't be a stranger. I'm sure plenty of people here can empathise with you!

DeV.

LegacyUser

OP again...

Bit better today... Watching lots of sports (I love it!!!) and feeling a bit better. Nothing antagonistic today...

Plus, I'm going to give my best friend that I was fighting with a lift home from work tonight. He felt awkward asking me, but I hope that we can have a bit of a chat on the way home. Really wanna just apologise and set things straight. And maybe tomorrow... We can have a bigger talk. I hope so anyway.

I have been told that I'm depressed, but I think that I'm getting a little bit better now. It's actually so messed up how a couple of bad days can make me feel so bad!!! I want a hug of my bestie and bit of a chat and I hope I'll feel right as rain... :-)

ninty9er

df1985 wrote: »

Hi OP,

The first part of your post sounded like my exact situation till not very long ago. Im 25, also an only child and my mates are the biggest bunch of louty lads you can imagine, like to think theyre all macho straight boys. Everthing is referred to as gay, queer, people are called ******s the whole time. No one suspected a thing about me, as "straight" as they come.

I thought the world would stop and my life would come crashing down on me if I was to come out-id lose my mates, theyd tell everyone etc.I only did it 2 months ago and its still an ongoing process. I had sat in on conversations where someone would rant about their disgust about gay people etc, and I agree it was horrible, I would wreck my head thinking about it.

But now that I did it, Ive been amazed at how the lads have reacted. None of them care, even the ones i had worried about. One of them is racist, sexist, you name it.....i was sure he'd freak. I told him and he went up and bought a round, hes now always calling round to watch football etc, we go for rounds of gold bla bla-point is you'd be suprised at how people take it. A friends loyalty is to you, regardless of your sexuality, all my mates just want me to be happy now that they know. The guys who had their rants are the lads who patted me on my back, shook my hand etc. when I told them.

2 months on and its hardly an issue.

What youre confused about is perfectly normal, it took me a long time to accept who i was, im tried my damned hardest to be straight, slept with girls right up till last year. I came out as gay but tbh Im prob not 100% "gay", more 85-15 of ye get me.that little 15 caused confusion for a long time.

Dont confuse casual homophobia with real homophobia. I came out and for a while the lads didnt know how to tiptoe around it. theyd call things gay etc and then apologise like eejits whered id just laugh it off. Point is they dont mean it as a personal attack/insult.

This, apart from being a year younger is my exact situation, with the friends a little less macho and only one having a girlfriend.

The only thing I can add is that the most likely homophobe is more than likely the one who the whole thing passes over.

My parents. My mother cried, my dad made some stupid joke, I left and came back the following day when thehy had time to let it sink in.

One thing that really worried me was questions, until I realised I'm not answerable to anyone for liking men. When I told my parents, my immediate follow on sentence was "I don't want a discussion about it, it's the way it is." which may explain the crying mother.

She spoke to a friend with a gay son to get it straight in her head, my dad only talks to her about it AFAIK, but as long as I don't have to talk to them about it I don't really care. I wouldn't talk to them about my sexualtiy if I were straight, some people have that relationship with their parents, I don't, and it doesn't bother me.

ScaredAndAlone wrote: »

OP here.

Just on the point someone made about me talking to my best friend that I mentioned who was having a hard time... I didn't probably emphasise how hard a time she has had. Two close friends of hers have committed suicide within the last month, one of whom she was very close to. In this man's suicide note, he mentioned her an awful lot and professed a love for her that he could not bring himself to tell her about. You can just imagine how she felt about it, and how she still feels. I don't want to add more to her plate as it is, to be perfectly honest.

Today was a very low point for me. I was alone in my house more or less all day, and was crying for an awful lot of that time. I only actually half-cheered up when one of my housemates came home from work and we went to the shops and I got out to work. Taking my mind off it did work.

But I think I'm still "fighting" with the friend I had the bickering match with. And I hate this. He is one of the best friends I've ever had, and I love him to bits (in a platonic way!). I hate this awkward silence and not seeing each other, and I really think I can trust and confide in him.

I hope to iron out this disagreement later on and hopefully we can have a bit of a talk. I hope it goes well... it's a huge gamble for me, because if he reacts badly (but I really don't think he will) I could lose absolutely everything I have in my life at the moment. I'd be totally f**king ruined, no joke. Everything that I have and that I have worked so hard for could be dashed in a single instance. But I think I know in my heart of hearts, no matter what disagreement we may have had, that this guy is my best friend (or one of my best friends anyway) and that he will be my rock...

Fingers crossed anyway! Thanks again to anyone who's read this and has replied. I'm taking great comfort from reading the posts. Thank you.

Right, this may seem blunt and cruel, but can you imagine how your friend would feel if she thought you couldn't discuss this with her given that this is exactly what happened in the other really unfortunate and sad situation.

You were sitting at home crying, it's good to have a release, but do think about telling the guys you live with, my housemates are the same, the "that's gay" stuff, but they really went out of their way to apologise for a while until I started to get pissed off with that. The "that's gay" or "******" crap between the 2 of them doesn't actually bother me at all.

You're housemates are most likely really worried about you given that you're obviously feeling down, but don't know how to broach the issue.

Please mind yourself, no matter how bad you think it can be, there is always someone worse off and there is always someone who cares:)

door

Hi there. I am now 27 and I was in the exact same situation as yourself. Firstly you have to figure out what you desire. Do you really want a man?. Its best to think beyond sex but thats a good starting point. Can you imagine living with a man you love?

Secondly, try going to gay bars. You should join Queer id. Queer id is an open and friendly and welcoming gay forum full of young people. I started the process of properly coming out there. They arrange group meets and as intimidating as that seems at first its no different than going into a new class at college or something. You will be introduced to the gay bars, which I was scared of but realised were no different than any "straight" bar. When you get used to going there you will be gradually become more comfortable with your sexuality. The biggest issue is YOU becoming comfortable with your sexuality. Those kind of things get thrown around all the time but it is true that you need to be comfortable which therefore creates confidence to be yourself.

Also, most people who act homophobic now will realise that they shouldnt act like that if they are your true friends. I saw a lot of people stop their homophobic jokes when I came out to them and they still remain good friends. Actually some of my friendships became better because there was a greater sense of honesty and openess. A lot of the time those with casual homophobia dont actually mean to be. Its learned from school and Hollywood films. Its all just a performance to look tough but all men can be broken down to appear soft.

ScaredAndAlone wrote: »

Registered user going unregistered for this one.

Bit of background; I'm a 23 year old male, living in north Co. Wicklow. I've been aware that I'm most likely gay and less likely bisexual since I was about 15 or so.

I am completely lost as to what I can do to make myself happy. I recently moved out of my parents house and into accomodation with some friends of mine (guys I would consider to be amongst my best friends). As mentioned above, I'm fairly certain I'm gay, but sometimes think I'm bisexual. I'm pretty confused sometimes, to be honest.

I am totally terrified of coming out at all. Casual homophobia is rampant in the house with any negative things being "gay", calling people "faggót" and "queer", accusations of being gay flung about as weapons, etc.

In work, it's a common little put-down at me that I'm gay and that I'm having sexual contact with men, including my housemates. While it is all in good fun for the lads saying it, they don't realise how cutting it is. It really upsets me and it can sometimes be so awful and crude that I simply don't know how to respond.

These people all seem to find homosexuality repugnant and awful. One of the lads I lived with even had a big monologue about how he finds the thought of it purely disgusting and doesn't know how anyone could even consider it. All I could do was nod and say nothing, feeling myself dying a little inside.

While my family are not as open with their criticisms of being gay, I don't think they'd be too liberal on the subject either. I'm also an only child, so I'm probably expected to provide my parents with grandchildren later on in life.

I do not know how many nights I have sat in my room, frightened that my sexuality will be exposed by a careless statement or remark, scared of what impact it will have upon my life.

In terms of sexual contact, I have actually NEVER had physical sexual contact with another male in my life. All my sexual encounters in the past have been with women and all have left me fairly unsatisfied/unmoved. I do watch a good bit of gay porn and surf gay chatrooms and so on.

I just feel I can't live the lie anymore, but I know that I'm most likely going to face some amount of derision, isolation and torment if I do come out and try to be myself. I cry myself to sleep so many nights, wanting to just be able to be proud and happy with who I am. Melodramatic as it might sound, I'm in tears as I'm writing this, as it reads back so badly to me and it sounds so much worse when I see it written out.

I feel that if I was to come out, I would be risking friendships, my accomodation, my job, relations with my family, etc. Risking an awful lot. Sometimes it is easy to hide it, but that I don't seem overly interested in girls and that I havent had a proper girlfriend since I was about 17 adds to the speculation from some people.

I see people recalling how their friends and family stood strong behind them and loved them unconditionally when they came out... I deeply regret that I simply cannot see that happening here. I would genuinely fear that I'd be ostracised and told where to go...

For anyone that answers to this thread, I thank you sincerely in advance. Any and all advice that anyone can give me is so, so appreciated, you have no idea. Thank you so much for reading the above.

Sorry if the post is a bit long...

Emzer92

Hey OP,
Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time of it. I know how you feel: scared, lonely and that everything seems overwhelming as regards your orientation. I recently came out to my immediate family and, being the youngest of three sons, I'm not sure I can give you much advice as to talking to your parents. I can guarentee, however, that they will be happy so long as you are happy.

Before I told ANYONE, I felt that I needed to "figure things out" for myself first. I found The Trevor Project (www.itgetsbetter.org) to be of great assistance. It is geared more towards a teenaged audience (ie. sufferers of homophobic bullying), but it is helpful nonetheless.

I honestly hope that you get to feeling better about this. Please, please, please, know that you are not alone, loads of people are terrified about this, myself included.

floggg

Don't know if your still OP, butbwould love to hear how your getting on.

Was in the same position right up to the start of this summer, so know how you feel. Things seem so much bigger when you have nobody to share or discuss them with. Things do become do much easier though once you deal with it yourself.

If you ever need to vent or talk, feel free to pm. I know how tough it can be

Emzer92

Emzer92 wrote: »

I found The Trevor Project (www.itgetsbetter.org) to be of great assistance.

It's actually called the "It Get's Better Project", sorry about that!

DeVore

Yeah, i really hope things got better for the OP. If so, please let us know! (in fact let us know regardless )

DeV.

LegacyUser

OP here again... only dropped back into this forum again recently and only saw this thread now...

Things are slightly better. I'm not out, nor have I even confided in anyone, but I feel a little bit better and I think that I will be out soon. But it will take some time.

I came incredibly close to telling my best friend what was wrong with me. I'd say it could have been the next words out of my mouth, but I clammed up and just started to cry before I could say it. He probably suspects, but he hugged me and told me that whenever I was ready, he'd be there for me. It's so good to have someone like that, you know?

I still feel very down about some things, about how negative some of my friends are on the subject, and how big an impact it could have on my career and my future in said career.

Thanks for all the wishes and for all the support. It has helped. Thank you.

floggg

Glad to hear your feeling a bit better OP, hope things continue to improve for you.

As you can see, a lot of us have been in the same position as you are now. I know when I was going through it (and I still am to some extent) I found it really helpful to know I wasn't alone in having to deal with this, even if at times I felt I was. Even better was to hear of people who came through it unscathed.

This thread really stuck a chord with me, as I'm sure it did with others, as it described my own experience in many places.

Until June of this year, I was very much in the same boat, with the added complication of knowing at heart I was gay but living in denial about it at the same time. I didn't feel like I could share it with anybody, and felt like my world would be utterly turned upside down if I was to come out. I found it really hard to deal with, and had never been so down in my life.

I was lucky enough to know at heart that my family wouldn't utterly disown me, and similarly knew that it wouldn't be a problem for many of my friends. But at the same time, I guess due to my own homophobia or difficulty in accepting my sexuality, I convinced myself that it would be a massive problem for some of them. I was scared ****less to tell my best friend, who I also live with, as I thought he'd want me to move out if he knew! And as screwed up ad my thinking was at the time, I actually believed he'd be justified in doing so!

But I got to the point where I knew I had to deal with things properly before things got to the point where I acted self destructively. Not suicide or anything like that, but I was getting to a bad place and I don't know how I would have continued if things didn't change.

I've started coming out to some friends and family and to be honest, I'm overwhelmed at times by how easy it has been. They have all been great, accepting, non judgmental and supporting. At times I feel guilty for doubting them so much.

In my case at least, I had projected my own insecurities, homophobia and other issues onto them, and I used the fear of the reactions I had ascribed to them as justification for not confronting this thing head on.

I don't presume to know you or your friends, so I'm not going to say that any of that necessarily applies in your case. But it is something you should think about.

From the sound if things though, your best friend sounds like he's fairly supportive. If you think that he or others might already suspect you might be gay, you have to ask would they still be friends with you if they really had an issue with it. I guess only you can answer that as you know best.

Regarding their homophobia, again I don't know them so can't speak for them, but I know amongst my friends that sort of thing is also rampant. I'll be honest, I was the worst offenders - I think I was trying too hard at times to prove how manly and straight I was, to myself and others. But there is a major difference between calling somebody gay over something trivial and being homophobic in my book. The lads have all been great so far with me, no matter what we might have called each other.

In actual fact, they're now starting to make gay jokes at my offence! Nothing malicious, but just a bit of banter. As with most lads, everything is fair game for a bit of mockery, and I think it would be worse if they danced around the issue. A few jokes at my expense shows me that they still seem moe as the same person, and still one of the lads.

Again, I don't know anything about your work or family life. Family is always hard, but I think in many cases, parents can surprise you with their reaction. At the end of the day, they love you and I think ieven if it takes a while they would hopefully come around.

Finally, you may well feel in time that you want to come out to the world, but there's no need for you to do so. Do things at your own time. I think it would be great for you to find somebody you can open up , but at the same time you should take things at your own pace. Your not accountable to anybody else for your sex life. If you want, you should feel free to take your first steps discretely.

Remember, this is about nobody else but you. You can do things at your own pace, and be as discrete or public as you like.

Join a website like gaire.com or queerid and get to know some people. It's a great way to get to know some people who you can open up to, whether it be online or over a pint or whatever. I joined gaire not to long ago and was bowled over how welcoming and understanding some of the people there can be.

it might be a great relief just to be able to be yourself with people who know what your going through. nearly every gay man has been through something similar, so they're generally very understanding and will appreciate your need for discretion.

I hope some of that helps and feel free to pm if you ever want somebody to talk to.

DubArk

floggg wrote: »

In my case at least, I had projected my own insecurities, homophobia and other issues onto them, and I used the fear of the reactions I had ascribed to them as justification for not confronting this thing head on.

This is so true and I can completely relate to this. Well siad!!!

pourquoi

Hey OP,

I'm probably gonna repeat much of what has already been said here, but remember that you are not alone!

I came out two years ago when I was 17 and while I found it to be the most difficult thing I'd ever done, it was by far the most liberating.

I know that everybody's circumstances are different, so I can't categorically say to you that it'll be all rainbows and lollipops when you come out, but I can assure you that most people, despite being superficially homophobic, are actually ok with it.

All I would say is don't make a big deal of it when you do come out to your guy friends. What I mean by that is don't be like "OH MY GOD! I'M GAY! I HOPE YOU'RE OK WITH THAT! PLEASE TELL ME YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT! BLAH BLAH BLAH!" I'd very much advise an understated "Yup, I'm gay..." approach.

I've found that sometimes guys think that you become a different person once you've admitted you're gay. I've had to explain to several guys that I'm exactly the same person that I was last week; just as I'm the same person that I was before they knew I didn't like cauliflower. :P

It seems like you're finding it difficult to physically say the words "I'm gay". Would I be correct? Again, you're not alone. I spent years in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at myself, trying to whisper "I'm gay." I could get the "I'm" bit and the "gay" bit, but not "I'm gay". Strangely, I found that I could say it in jest, messing with friends, however that wasn't me saying it--it was Actor Me saying it. If you can comfortably say "I'm gay" to yourself, you've come a long way. The first time I said it I said it to who I thought was my best friend. It was the scariest thing I ever did, but at the same time, it was also the best thing I ever did: I had admitted (and accepted) that I was gay.

Regarding being confused about being bisexual or gay: don't worry about it. As another poster said, I wouldn't consider myself 100%; more like 90%. I don't totally rule out falling madly in love with a woman, but it's a very slim chance.

Some people are suggesting going to gay bars. I'd be a bit hesitant to do so. I acknowledge that it's difficult to meet fellow gay people in a non-club/bar setting, going to a bar might push you into things to fast. The most important thing about initially coming out is becoming comfortable with yourself (and while you think you might be comfortable with it while being "closeted", you'd be surprised how your sense of self changes once you come out).

I was lucky that I had a good support network with my family and my four girl friends. I would advise making contact with somewhere like BelongTo -- they offer great support. And don't forget, there's always us lovely individuals here.

An Cuinneach

Hey man,

I'm 22, living in South Dublin and went through a very similar scenario a few years back. There's no need for me to echo what everyone else has said - about things getting better (they will. FACT.) - but I just want to mention two things other posters said:

Going to gay bars/etc - I wouldn't necessarily advise this at all. When I was in your boat, even thinking of the George scared the **** out of me and thinking too much on the nightlife side of things probably delayed me telling people. You build up all these ideas that scare you into telling no one and that doesn't help at all. Also one bad experience on a night out could set you back a long way and you seem to be doing much better

Second thing is Wet and Wild. The group is nothing short of amazing. I only found out about it in the last six months but mother of God, I wish I had have had it four years ago. They are the nicest group of guys and girls you could ask for and you'll go from having no gay friends to fifty in the blink of an eye. They organise loads of savage stuff like rockclimbing, kayaking, surfing, etc but they also have games of rounders every couple of weeks that are a great way for new people getting to know each other.

Check out their Facebook page and if you feel like popping along to one of the events, I'd be more than happy to head along with you.

Lastly, not to sound cheesy, but you'll look back at your current situation in a few months/years and laugh at how much your life has changed. FACT.

Brian-

ninty9er

ScaredAndAlone wrote: »

I came incredibly close to telling my best friend what was wrong with me. I'd say it could have been the next words out of my mouth, but I clammed up and just started to cry before I could say it. He probably suspects, but he hugged me and told me that whenever I was ready, he'd be there for me. It's so good to have someone like that, you know?

The amount of times I was in that situation. When I eventually told my closest friends I did it either individually or a few, but never more than 3 of them together.

Just remember that offer your friend made. The bolded bit, in all liklihood, means that he already "knows", but he's just waiting to hear it from you.

And also like I said above, if you just want to let people know, but don't want a discussion about it, then that's perfectly fine too. Your friends will be there regardless and will let themselves be more curious about "what it is that makes you like men" as they see you becoming more comfortable with yourself.

In your own time though. You've got this far so fair play.

LegacyUser

OP here again... just needed to get a few more things off my chest. I've been reading back through this thread again, and it really gives me a lift when I read all of the positive, supporting and just plain nice replies...

pourquoi wrote: »

It seems like you're finding it difficult to physically say the words "I'm gay". Would I be correct? Again, you're not alone. I spent years in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at myself, trying to whisper "I'm gay." I could get the "I'm" bit and the "gay" bit, but not "I'm gay".

This quote hits the nail on the head, pretty firmly. I'm most positively in denial about the whole thing. I tried to do this, to say the words "I'm gay" in front of a mirror... and I swear to god, I couldn't. I simply could not say those words, even to myself.

Another poster also mentioned about how great his friends and family were, about how he felt half-guilty for 'doubting' them. I honestly think my family would absolutely freak, so I'm leaving that one for a while... but I'm fairly sure I want to talk to my best friend about it soon. He is such a great guy and I really think he'd be understanding. I'd hope that he'd keep it just between us, and that we could remain friends. We live together (in a house-share with a few friends), so that's one thing I'd be worried about if it made life in the house so awkward that I'd have to move out. Or worse if he let it slip to the others in the house about it (I don't want them to know just yet, to be honest). But he is one of the greatest friends I've ever had and I honestly think I can trust him... it's just a matter of me screwing up my courage enough to be honest with myself and everyone else.

On a little side-note... tis my birthday today! haha. kinda cheered me up a bit, and hopefully I can have a good day anyway!

Thanks for listening, ladies and gentlemen. I'll hopefully report back soon with some good news... :-)

ongarboy

Happy Birthday! I hope you can give yourself a birthday present this year to have the courage to do what will make you happier in the long run (even if there will be some short term challenges and difficulties - all of which will seem insignficant compared to the satisfaction of being honest with yourself about who you are)

An Cuinneach

Lá breithe shona duit / Happy Birthgay man!

Even if it's just baby steps, you seem to be moving in the right direction man so that's great!

pourquoi

A belated happy birthday, dude! Hope you had an enjoyable day.

Just in response to:

ScaredAndAlone wrote: »

This quote hits the nail on the head, pretty firmly. I'm most positively in denial about the whole thing. I tried to do this, to say the words "I'm gay" in front of a mirror... and I swear to god, I couldn't. I simply could not say those words, even to myself.

Don't see it as denial. See it more as a "coming to terms with it" period. The very fact that you're posting on boards "I'm gay" means that you're not denying anything. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, but over time you will get more comfortable with the idea.

Also, don't feel pressured into coming out. I think the worst thing you can do is come out to people before you come out to yourself. I know you've had years to mull it over, but it's obviously in the forefront of your mind at the moment. Take time to get comfortable with the idea of being gay. And if you're worried that coming out will drastically change the rest of your life, it won't. In my opinion, the only difference will be that you'll possibly marry a man instead of a woman. Why should anything else be different? Like I said about myself earlier: you're the same guy you were a year ago, only now people will know that you don't like cauliflower women. It's only one, tiny part of what you are.

If you're having trouble saying "I'm gay", try writing it on a piece of paper instead. It never occurred to me at the time, but it could help.

Hope I'm not being too ramble-y or starry-eyed!

floggg

Hey OP,

Just wondering how things have been going for you lately. Hope your feeling a bit better about everything.