Child unhappy at parents sex life ?

LegacyUser

Bit of a sensitive one this so going anonymous , never thought that as someone with no children I would be posting in the Parenting forum.....

My girlfriend and I are both in our late 30's and she has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship , he's a fine boy and his mother has every right to be proud of him. I have made sure to include him in things and I like him and get on with him , he has told his mother that he really likes me , all good so far.

We don't live together nor indeed have we any plans to do so at this time , we don't get to see as much of one another during the week as we would like due to work committments but at weekends we do spend a lot of time together , this includes me sleeping over and in these instances I share my girlfirends bed.
Last week her son told her that he doesn't like it when I sleep with her , he also said it to me the next day when I was taking him fishing - I asked him why and he seemed uneasy and replied that he '' didn't know ''. ' Sound Effects ' do not appear to be the issue here.

I'm concerned for a couple of reasons , firstly I'm upset to think that our actions have caused this lad any distress, embarassment or discomfort , secondly this obviously has important implications for my relationship with his mother - I am of the view that an adult should not require a childs permission to conduct a ' normal ' relationship , this issue has really come out of the blue.

This boy is a grand fella though I have thought at times he is perhaps a little bit ' innocent ' , his contact with his Father is almost nil , I am the first ' significant ' other in his mothers life for quite some time. I have very little experience with children and am not prepared to ask friends for advice as to do so would compromise my girlfriends privacy both as a woman and a mother - hence my posting here.

I was surprised not to find any other threads relating to this type of issue , if not appropriate to Parenting perhaps the mmmods could re-direct .

silja

I agree with you that a child should have no say in his/her parents' sex life, but there is obviously something going on here and you should find out what it's about. It is strange for him to mention this now, assuming you have been having sex with his mom a while and since you two get on fine otherwise.

- You say it's definitely not "sound effects", but is it possible that he walked in on you once, and got scared? If he is a bit innocent, it can look like you fighting....
- Could also be that someone at school said something about sex leading to babies, and he doesn't want another child in the house.
- Has he recently been to see his dad, maybe he made disapraging remarks?

Morag

It sounds like he is not as innocent any more.
Kids start to be come aware of sexual activities even kissing and hugs at this age which before this went right over their heads. As he learns or figures out more he's going to wonder about the couple he sees the most and about you doing that with his mother.

I think she needs to sit him down and have a few chats with him.

planetX

I can only answer as mum to a 9 yr old boy - it sounds understandable, and I can imagine having the same issue. I don't date right now because I know it would be a problem.
If it's just been the two of them for so long it's natural that he would be a bit put out. It's changing the dynamics of the household, and probably frightens him that his mother now has this other part to her life. He might even be feeling jealous. It's a more intense parent/child relationship when there's only two of you in the house.
The fact that he's able to talk about it is a really good sign though. Let his Mum talk it through with him, and be patient. Sounds like you're quite understanding too. He'll work through it.

Rick Deckard

I'm not a kid, but i definitly dont want to hear my parents, brother, friends having sex.

Have some common respect no matter the age of the lad, and just keep it down

Daisy M

Yhea it sounds as if he has became aware and is embarressed by the thoughts of his mom having a sex life. However it appears that for him to be able to mention it to you that ye have a good open relationship, not something to be discouraged. Obviously the boy should not be able to dictate how your relationship works, but it might be an idea to have another chat with him man to man, explain you love his mum and him and are privledged to be a part of their lives. Point out that sharing a bed is a normal part of a loving relationship and as delicately as you can let him know that sharing his moms bed is not all about embarressing noises!
You also need to respect him and be aware of when he is awake and may hear ye. its what most parents do!

Gyalist

I think that planetX has hit the nail on the head. It's not to do with him becoming sexually aware or about hearing you having sex.

Your presence in the house changes the dynamics that he is used to with his mother and this can cause resentment and jealousy. Also, he knows that you aren't his biological father and he may be harbouring hopes that his parents would be together again and your presence shatters his dream.

He'll come around with time if you and your girlfriend continue to include him in your activities and spend time talking to him. Conversely, if you aren't really serious about the relationship you could do the lad harm if you disappear from his life just when he accepts you in it.

I've been there as the new man in the house so I have an bit of experience and understanding of what is going on.

smelltheglove

I know of one little boy who living alone with his mam he often would go into her room and curl up beside her to go asleep. Around this age when she met someone he did not take to him at all and it was pretty much the fact that there was no longer an open invitation for cuddles whenever he wanted. I dont know if this is the case here but it is a possibility.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks - good to hear from people with some experience of this type of problem.

I've just come off the phone to my girlfriend and she was able to have a good chat with her son earlier this evening.
The issue is NOT one of ' bedroom noise ' nor has he ever ' seen ' something he shouldn't - we have always been careful not to expose him to inappropriate things - he confirmed this.

It transpires he has a couple of issues - it was interesting that someone suggested he may have a fear of his mother having a baby , it turns out that is/was indeed a fear of his and while his mom re-assured him this was not going to happen it does beg the question that if at some point in the future this were to change what his reaction may be.....
For now though he seems to have accepted the reassurance that a baby is not on the agenda.

The other issue is one of a vague but general awkwardness / unease / embarrassment at the idea of his mom doing THAT with her boyfriend ! I still say he is a bit niave or innocent but he is aware of sex and relationships so he assumes ( correctly ) that his mother and I do have sex when I sleep over.
His mother will have to be the primary person to address these issues but I have indicated that I will speak to him ( dreading it ) should she think it would help.

Thanks again for the replies.

deisemum

It's good that you got to the root of his concern.

When my older son was in 5th or 6th class he started getting embarrassed if he saw his dad and myself hugging or kissing. If I was in the supermarket or chemist waiting on a perscription and he saw condoms on display he'd tell me I wasn't to get them while blushing like a tomato.

silja

Thank for the update!

Glad he got to chat to his mum, and that he can talk so openly. It's a good sign! The concern about a new baby may always be there a bit, but as he matures, grows older and more used to you, it will lessen. If/ when you do decide to have a baby, do include him where possible- such as telling him first, letting him chose a present for the new baby, spending extra time with him, brining him to an ultrasound etc.

metrovelvet

The thing is most kids in natural families dont have to confront their parents sexuality, because the oncest prohbiition is so strong. But when it comes to boyfriends/girlfriends, step moms,dads and siblings the incest prohibiition is weaker and they are suddenly faced with a parent's sexuality. EWWWWW......YUUUUUUUCK.....

Also if she has been single for a long time he may see you as an interloper. The relationship between a single parent and a single child is intense because its so one on one, and no other people to diffuse it.

LegacyUser

Well this evening I took the opportunity to have a chat with my Girlfriend's son ( at her request ) , overall it went well . I have zero experience of talking to children about anything remotely connected to sex / relationships / making babies , etc because whenever I was asked anything like that by nieces or nephews or friends kids I always replied '' Go ask your mother '' !
He told me that he was happy seeing his mother happy - great to hear. He now accepts that adults sleeping together is normal and there is nothing ( or little ) to be embarrassed about.

The only disturbing thing was his vehement disapproval of any idea of his mom having a baby. I assured him this was not on the agenda and so has his mother but he was sharp enough to note that neither of us used the word '' never '' ( I really didn't think a 10 year old would pick up on that ).
Fact is I am nearly 40 and would like to have children sometime , similarly his mother who is 37 has not closed her mind to the idea of having another child at some point , that said we have no plans to have a child for now , but that could well change.
I didn't drill into his reasons for being so anti another child as to do so would only undermine the assurances we have given him , by the same token we can't lie and promise to never have a child.

I'm getting on great with this lad but I can't help feeling that if his mom and I were to have a baby things could get difficult.

Like I said before I have almost no experience with children - much less a potentially tricky situation like this , anyone out there with experience or insight into how to handle this ?

Pandora2

First and foremost What a great guy:) You are really stepping up to the mark here and you are going to be a great dad/stepdad......Kudos

Do not kid yourself...10 year old kids are like sponges regarding what goes on around them and thanks to Eastenders and the like they have a very skewed idea of relationships/sex/siblings (half & full).

At 10 he does not want a sibling, at 13/14 he will have a whole different set of priorities and won't give a monkeys how you procreate unless it wakes him up!! If all goes to plan at 18 he'll be a great big bro!!!

You, I think, have the smarts to get through this and you seem to be doing all the right things instinctively. Your OH is a lucky lady.

I myself found such a gem who intergrated himself into a house of 3 hormonal females (it was hairy at times:eek:) 4 years on they like him more than me!!

A small snib type lock on the inside top of the bedroom door is a must!! Slip it across for privacy but don't forget to unlock before going to sleep (not too much of a mood breaker:)), one of these nights he'll have a bad dream, forget you are there and queue one angst ridden post!!

You will be fine...........keep doing what you are doing!

Pandora2

Just thought some more..............with regard to a baby in the future.

Why not reassure him that you are all very happy with things just the way they are right now and that you would never dream of changing anything without discussing it with him? I would suggest you do this together as it would be a a great signal to him that everyone is on the same page and that his concerns are being heard, very reassuring to him:) I think it also right to honour this commitment.

This will give you valuable time and allow you to gain this young man's trust. He may be afraid you'd leave his Mum like his Dad did, not a stretch for a 10 year old sadly:( You have a few challenges ahead, I suspect you will live together before you have a baby? That is probably going to be the first hurdle with this young man as he seems to have accepted your staying over regularly really well:) When you negotiate that successfully time enough to be discussing a baby, he may even change his stance of his own accord when he is secure within the relationship.

I wish you well

Crea

The issue regarding having another child could stem from worry that the new baby will be loved more than him as baby will belong to both of you whereas he only belongs to his mother. Also, his mother won't have as much time for him if there is a new baby and it'll also mean that you move in which will change his home dynamic too. Take things slowly and reassure him that you'll discuss stuff with him before major decisions are made but he shouldn't dictate your whole lives for you either.

Beruthiel

puzzled boyfriend wrote: »

The only disturbing thing was his vehement disapproval of any idea of his mom having a baby.

He likes being the only child. It's the green eyed monster.
When my exhusband's girlfriend got pregnant our daughter was more than a tad upset. She was furious for months.
He hadn't arrived into the world five minutes and she already adored him and he worships her now.
Don't overly concern yourself with this. He will accept just about anything as long as you both show him how much you love and care for him.