VERY difficult one with my brother...how do I change this without lifetime fallout???

brotherbother

Tonight I'm feeling very angry, upset and guilty, all at the same time.
My brother (only sibling) called my phone at 10.30pm.
I got very p****d off when I saw the screen. I was just about to eat something and a programme I really wanted to see had just started.
I immediately lost my appetite, threw the food in the bin.
A massive tension headache came on. Out came the Panadol.

He rang again. I roared out 'f*****g leave me alone!' except not to him.
He was finishing work and I knew well what he wanted - to call up to me with his nightly takeaway and bother me with his ridiculous problems.
No message left, as per usual. And very deliberate.
It's like 'answer me when I ring!' 'get back to me immediately to find out what I want!'.
He's a bit of a controle freak and I just can't handle it anymore.

I've had to text him, a few months ago, after one particular night of ceaseless ringing, that unless he left a message to say what he wanted, that I wouldn't be returning the calls, ANYONE'S calls, as I think it's VERY intrusive to call people and not leave a message/text.
That's like DEMANDING they get back to you, in a way.
And it makes me think there's something wrong, it panics me when there's no message left.

He seemed to get the 'message', or so I thought, until two weeks later he
was at it again. The calls started up between 10.30 and 11pm every second or third night.
And I found myself making all the usual excuses again "I was asleep" "I was downstairs" "phone was on silent"....
At this time of night most people are getting ready for bed/in bed and in their nightwear.
Hundereds of times I've had to 'give in' to the guilt and get out of bed,
get dressed again, go downstairs and let him in for his visit, sit there for an hour or two, listen to his woes and bulls**t, then lye wide wake for the entire night, angry and bothered, exhausted all the following day at college. Many a night I was working on projects and the phone would ring, on the button, but to explain how stressed I was just wouldn't work
- my brother just doesn't see other people's problems - HE is the only one who has them and his are far worse than yours...
I shouldn't have to lie or explain myself to MY BROTHER, should I???
One of the many reasons I left home was to GET AWAY from all this 'checking up'.


Our mother is an absolute tyrant. I could never get on with her and I don't even try anymore. I avoid her as much as I can because her sole purpose is to pick fights and criticise and offload all her problems on me.
The last few years, her and my brother have been arguing a lot, which they never used to. He has his own place but most night he goes to her house after work.
But when they have their falling outs, it's ME who gets the phonecalls and demanding visits.
They see me as the strong one who can take their all problems and solve them. But I am utterly exhausted. I was always there for them but it's all take take take and now I just want to be alone. Completely alone and only hear from them once a month, if even.


Thing is, my brother is HYPER SENSITIVE and can be a bit on the violent side aswell. You just can NOT say boo to him and he'd fly into a rage.
You have to be extra extra careful what you say and how you say it.
You can't even be in a quiet mood around him, he'll snap at you and say "what's the matter with YOU? Are you in a BAD mood or something?"!!! Into your face!
I mean WTF??? Someone says that to you, you WILL be in a bad mood!
You literally have to be in the mood that HE is in to get on with him and do exactly what he says, when he says it. Like I said, a controle freak, just like our mother.


I know he is lonely, all his friends are married/in relationships and he hasn't had a girlfriend in years. But I am made to feel responsible for him, somehow. Like I HAVE to be there for him, when ever and where ever.
I'm not allowed to be alone, enjoy my own company.
The phone rings and I live in dread.
I wish to God he'd meet someone.

I have a million problems of my own and I am lonely myself sometimes, but I like being alone, I love the peace. Both he and my mother think nothing of interrupting my peace with their problems.

And he is forever asking favours of me, like cleaning his place top to bottom, typical bachelor pad and he's gone so mean he hasn't even given me any money the last few times, just expects it of me!
And me, afraid to ask or say no, cos he wouldn't speak to me for months and I'd be wracked with guilt!!! It's SO F****D UP!!!
I wish I could emigrate. God help me if I ever have a child, 7 days a week they'd be at me!


Please, can someone help me out here, I'm going slightly mad from all this manipulation. And that's exactly what it is.
How do I change this without making him mad and wind up eaten by guilt? There's no easy way to say it. Right now I don't think there's ANY way to say it.
I've said it before, hiding behind a text message, to leave/send a message if I don't answer. Didn't work.
All I get is an angry "where were YOU?, I rang you but I got no answer!"...after only ONE or two missed calls....
His ignorance is I know not acceptable at all and he gives me no notice of his intention to call, early on in the evening. Just calls, and expects to be at my place 5 minutes later. I'm at breaking point and have exams soon. But that's just not a good enough 'reason' not to let him in...Oh, and I tried that 'one' recently and was told that I'd have all summer to relax...

Thanks. (wry smile).

Turtwig

Hey OP.

I truly sympathise with you position. Unfortunately there isn't really an easy fix here. By the sounds of, it doesn't seem you are doing that much wrong. You just gotta set down your limit and answer him and tell him 'No' that you've got study to do. Easier said than done I know, but it's what you gotta do. Ignoring his calls just makes the problem worse imo. Either shut your phone off, or answer him and tell him you're busy.

tenchi-fan

Hi Op

You have issues.

Your brother doesn't sound very independent, granted, but you could do with a chill pill.

It's not a big deal not to message someone who doesn't answer their phone. I never do. it's more disrespectful to hear the phone ring and then come up with a bull**** excuse like "oh it was on silent and I was downstairs", only to fume on the inside for hours. It's so passive aggressive, and passive aggression does not work. It just tires you out mentally and it's evidently wasted on your brother. He probably genuinely believes your phone was on left upstairs and if he rings enough times you might hear it!

Grow a backbone. Answer your phone to your brother and tell him you're busy and rather than give in when he puts pressure on you just repeat "I will talk to you tomorrow", even better, make plans such as "I will meet you tomorrow at 8 if you like, don't leave it too late because I want to have an early night"

And just try to relax. You sound very uptight.

brotherbother

Thanks for reply Malty.

Ignoring the calls does make it worse I know. I can only do so for an hour at most, and every second feels like a week, yet I hate to 'give in' to him and answer right away, because by doing that he knows his last minute calls get results...which usually are 'call up so'...
Ignoring/delaying them gives me time to appear genuinely busy, but then my night is ruined. It's ruined whether I answer or not. Awful, isn't it?
it's like I have no choice in the matter - at weekends he's off playing and watching sport, going out, so he's off bounds himself then. His time is HIS time.
I'm appointed the late week nights to see him...so to anybody replying 'can you tell him you can meet up at weekends?' - no, not really :-(

qwerty13

So don't answer your phone and/or don't message if you don't feel like it.

You are pandering to his alleged neediness.

And, forgive me if I'm wrong, but he is playing on your need to be in a very (very!) controlling/mother role.

The pair of you need to grow up. Oh and you are not the martyr that you think you are.

C-J

This is absolutely ridiculous. You need to grow up and/or see a doctor because I promise you this is not normal behaviour on your part. There are people out there with real problems. I think you need to talk to someone, find a man a hobby whatever.

Esoteric_

OP, you have some issues. Seriously, who flips out and throws away their dinner because their brother calls them? The way you've been talking about it is really not normal at all.

Yeah, your brother sounds like he needs independence, but it sounds like you need to talk to someone about anger management.

Emme

The solution is simple - turn off your phone at 10pm or whatever time you need peace and quiet to study. Don't turn it on again till morning or whenever suits you. People will learn that you are not available when your phone is off and will only contact you when you ARE available.

Do try to get on better with your family. If they are upsetting you unduly perhaps you should consider counselling to help you learn to deal with them and set boundaries.

Wisco

I think some of the other posters are being a bit harsh on you OP, but you have to take control of your life too.
I can understand feeling so anxious you lose your appetite- before I cut off contact with my ex, whenever I saw his number on my phone I felt the same way. When I changed my phone number I felt great knowing he couldn't contact me.
Can you change your phone number (or get an extra phone) and only use your old number when you're available to speak to your brother? If you don't want to speak to him, simply turn your phone off.
Stand up for yourself a bit more (and if you feel unsafe being alone with your brother and his anger issues, do it when you have a friend in the house) and tell him you are not available after 8pm (or whatever you decide). Stick to this. He'll get the message eventually that you need your own space. Don't be a pushover.

Ickle Magoo

As per [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]the charter[/URL], please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts and there are ways and means of getting constructive advice across without resorting to aggression and insults.

Many thanks

petethebrick

See a professional psychiatrist OP tbh

LegacyUser

So he won't leave you alone yet if you don't clean his apartment he will leave you alone for months? Problem solved. Yet, why the guilt if you genuinely believe he is such an ahole and your the victim? Can I ask what ages you guys are? OP your behaviour is OTT. When I first read your post and the initial line about his nightly "takeaway" I presumed you were talking about drink and he calls down getting drunk or something, but i'm guessing its more like a chippers. Sounds like a little brother calling down to his big sister looking for advice and a chat after he finishes his shift.

Oryx

Stop facilitating your mother and brother's needs. Thats whats making you angry, (and you do sound incredibly, irrationally angry). You dont have to do anything for them, you dont owe them anything. If you want to talk to them or see them then do, if you dont, then tell them a firm and unshakeable NO. Thats what youve got to learn to do. Yeah, they may throw tantrums at first because they are not used to you being assertive. But dont give in to that. The more control you gain, the less frustrated you will feel.

If you turn off your phone and are asked to explain why you werent available, dont make up excuses. Just say 'I wasnt free, I couldnt see you'. You dont have to give a reason why.

This may sound too tough to manage, but if you are being bullied its the only way to stand up to it. You will hardly end up with 'a lifetime fallout'. But things do need to change or youll end up walking away from your family anyway or making yourself sick from stress. So stop being the person who looks after them, and put your own needs first.

brotherbother

LyndaMcL wrote: »

OP, you have some issues. Seriously, who flips out and throws away their dinner because their brother calls them? The way you've been talking about it is really not normal at all.

Yeah, your brother sounds like he needs independence, but it sounds like you need to talk to someone about anger management.

Did you only read the title of my post? I am being plagued with phonecalls every other night, which I am expected to answer immediately.
I am expected to tolerate hearing his problems night after night and get out of bed at 11pm and dress again/drop my study to suit his demands.
This has been going on for YEARS.
My reaction to this "is not normal"?
I feel harrassed and my privacy is non existant, I am not being left alone,
I may as well be living with him and you (and others) insult me and tell me I have "issues" and I am the one with the problem???

I didn't go into details but I was once with his ex girlfriend, shopping. He rang her 8 times in the space of 5 hours to ask her what she was doing and was she still with me.
She was not allowed go out with her friends to a disco or have them call up to her where they lived. He wouldn't even allow us (my mother and me) to call to the house/her to call to us, when he was with her. He got in to mad fits out of the blue and RAN us and her out the door on several occassions "Get out! Go home now! I'm tired!"
She left him pretty fast.
I shouldn't even be explaining all this to you people, but I am because you are all attacking me like I am at fault here. I have a lot to deal with in my family.

It's obvious that nobody here who has cut me down has anything like this going on in their own personal lives. They and their families must be just perfect. Maybe they schedule 'appointments' with one another, or only meet at Christmas dinner.
Or maybe it is THEM who are the type to hassle their own friends/partners or family like this on a regular basis and can't see how their neediness would affect other people.
To attack me for speaking about it is I think a sign of a person who likes to manipulate others they feel 'should' be at their beck and call.
That's all I have to say on it. Incredibily selfish comments have been thrown at me.

Esoteric_

yes, I read your whole post and I stand by what I said. It's strange to get so wound up that he doesn't leave voicemails, I and many people I know don't usually leave voicemails. My sisters and mother call me all the time, even when I'm in work. The fact that you're so wound up by it is odd because there's a very simple solution - turn off the bloody phone!

Oryx

OP, the nature of this forum is that you will get all kinds of opinions on your problem. We will of course deal with anything abusive and posts like that should be reported to us. But people who respond can only do so based on your relatively short description of the problem and no, we dont realise the extent of what you are going through, but you can elaborate and explain as you have just done. Please dont take any harsh responses to heart, people will simply give their take on the issue as described.

Jonny7

OP, a lot of people here are being very harsh, I think mainly because of your frustrated tone when you wrote it (understandable), next time, relax, then calmly write it like a story in the New York Times - works better

But, I can understand the frustration

Your brother and mother sound very imposing, and the pressure that family can exert can drive people bananas. A lot of people are very unaware of the intimidation, abuse and even violence from family that can really dominate someones life even from afar.

If you decide to be assertive, find a place to have a coffee (don't talk to him at home will turn into shoutfest), just calmly tell him you are his brother/sister but not a service. Make an arrangement for the calls, e.g. none after 10, but don't pussy out, really make sure that its never after 10, or you'll switch the phone off. Sticking with what you arrange or assert is the key.

Once you lay down the guidelines you'll feel so much better, a bit more in control, and everything will be easier than it is now.

If you are going out of your mind with frustration, try to take at least a weekend away first tell them you are going, but be UNCONTACTABLE during that time, and do not let them use the 'what if theres an emergency' line

If all else fails, emigrate!

ps, for the other posters here, cut some slack, we don't know the history nor the personalities, when families are involved, with possible violence or intimidation, its not always easy to just "hang up the phone" on that without repercussions

Emme

brotherbother wrote: »

Did you only read the title of my post? I am being plagued with phonecalls every other night, which I am expected to answer immediately.
I am expected to tolerate hearing his problems night after night and get out of bed at 11pm and dress again/drop my study to suit his demands.
This has been going on for YEARS.
My reaction to this "is not normal"?
I feel harrassed and my privacy is non existant, I am not being left alone,
I may as well be living with him and you (and others) insult me and tell me I have "issues" and I am the one with the problem???

I didn't go into details but I was once with his ex girlfriend, shopping. He rang her 8 times in the space of 5 hours to ask her what she was doing and was she still with me.
She was not allowed go out with her friends to a disco or have them call up to her where they lived. He wouldn't even allow us (my mother and me) to call to the house/her to call to us, when he was with her. He got in to mad fits out of the blue and RAN us and her out the door on several occassions "Get out! Go home now! I'm tired!"
She left him pretty fast.
I shouldn't even be explaining all this to you people, but I am because you are all attacking me like I am at fault here. I have a lot to deal with in my family.

It's obvious that nobody here who has cut me down has anything like this going on in their own personal lives. They and their families must be just perfect. Maybe they schedule 'appointments' with one another, or only meet at Christmas dinner.
Or maybe it is THEM who are the type to hassle their own friends/partners or family like this on a regular basis and can't see how their neediness would affect other people.
To attack me for speaking about it is I think a sign of a person who likes to manipulate others they feel 'should' be at their beck and call.
That's all I have to say on it. Incredibily selfish comments have been thrown at me.

That all sounds rather trauma-inducing. Please consider counselling. You need to set boundaries with your brother. He probably won't like it and your mother mightn't like it when you start saying "NO", but if all fruit fails you might as another person suggested, need to consider emigration if that option is open to you. You wouldn't be the first person to emigrate in order to escape a difficult family.

dan_d

The immediate and obvious solution is turn off your phone. Just off.Leave it off. Put it in another room to stop yourself thinking about it, or give it to a friend. And if he asks, tell him you were studying and you turned it off to avoid distractions.

If you're worried about not being contactable for friends, I suggest you get a pay as you go SIM, give the number to those who you do want to be contactable to and nobody else.

Sounds extreme, but your post was a bit extreme.

Stop cleaning his house. Why would you do that? He's a big boy, and you are enabling his behaviour.

I appreciate this is difficult OP but I don't really know what you're looking for. Previous posters have been somewhat harsh, but the thing is that your responses sound like you want somebody to wave a magic wand and make it all go away.It won't.You have to stand up to them. You have to switch your phone off (tbh, if I was being plagued with late night calls, I would have done it a long time ago. It's not necessary to have your phone on 24/7). You have to stop cleaning his place. I shouldn't even have to give you that advice, you just shouldn't be doing it, end of. If you're afraid of violence, head him off at the pass (so to speak). In other words seriously minimise the amount of actual time he is in your presence.

You are not responsible for him OP, and you are the person who is making you feel guilty about all this stuff. I would agree that maybe you should talk to a counsellor just for some help on coping with all this. It's very hard to break a habit of years, especially by yourself. But unfortunately, you are the one that has to do it.You're obviously not happy with what's going on (I don't recommend dumping perfectly good food for him btw, that's your problem and not his), and you have to be the one to stop it. Small steps, but start with switching your phone off and leaving it off. YOU have to set the boundaries, because they won't as long as you keep giving in to them.

Sorry OP, but in this case, it's all about you.And for the record, none of us have perfect families, we all have our problems. It's how you react to them is the important part.

Babooshka

Emme wrote: »

That all sounds rather trauma-inducing. Please consider counselling. You need to set boundaries with your brother. He probably won't like it and your mother mightn't like it when you start saying "NO", but if all fruit fails you might as another person suggested, need to consider emigration if that option is open to you. You wouldn't be the first person to emigrate in order to escape a difficult family.

Amen to that.Families can really cause a lot of trauma, especially if it kicked off well before you were even born and you walked into a drama, which is what it sounds like from your description of your Mam. I come from a family with fuzzy boundaries and I have to practice still at communicating with certain members.

Op have you ever heard of "toxic shame"? If you Google it if you haven't read anything on it, you might find it useful too. I found it helped explain a lot of freaky feelings I had around my family. It doesn't solve it, but it helps. I can't stand being around my family for more than a couple of hours, then I'm outta there. I love them, but it doesn't mean I have to live with them or be controlled by them....best of luck OP!

brotherbother

Jonny7 wrote: »

OP, a lot of people here are being very harsh, I think mainly because of your frustrated tone when you wrote it (understandable), next time, relax, then calmly write it like a story in the New York Times - works better

But, I can understand the frustration

Your brother and mother sound very imposing, and the pressure that family can exert can drive people bananas. A lot of people are very unaware of the intimidation, abuse and even violence from family that can really dominate someones life even from afar.

If you decide to be assertive, find a place to have a coffee (don't talk to him at home will turn into shoutfest), just calmly tell him you are his brother/sister but not a service. Make an arrangement for the calls, e.g. none after 10, but don't pussy out, really make sure that its never after 10, or you'll switch the phone off. Sticking with what you arrange or assert is the key.

Once you lay down the guidelines you'll feel so much better, a bit more in control, and everything will be easier than it is now.

If you are going out of your mind with frustration, try to take at least a weekend away first tell them you are going, but be UNCONTACTABLE during that time, and do not let them use the 'what if theres an emergency' line

If all else fails, emigrate!

ps, for the other posters here, cut some slack, we don't know the history nor the personalities, when families are involved, with possible violence or intimidation, its not always easy to just "hang up the phone" on that without repercussions

Thanks Jonny - the most constructive post so far.
And it's all I was looking for - different solutions on how to deal with it sensitively and assertively and not be barraged by allegations that I am the one with the problem. I might have expected that though, I'm on Boards quite a bit and am never usually surprised by some posters comments to others.
You're right about 'repercussions' of hanging up/not answering.
I get interrogated on my whereabouts the following day and deliberately made to feel like a b***h..."I was only ringing to tell you..." in an agressive tone and "I'll call you again later" (you better answer THIS time, sort of thing).
I feel so bad in myself about it, if I avoid the calls and if I let him in.
Either way I'm left feeeling like crap.
He does the same to my mother and she's forever telling me about it.
I can't open my mouth about it to her though - she'd use it against me and tell him.
Thing is, we worry about him. He's a bit unstable if you know what I mean. He disappears for entire weekends sometimes (won't answer US if he doesn't feel like it) and drives very erratic when something has gotten to him.
He's even done it with our mother in the car, drove like a maniac if she said one thing he didn't like!

So I'm plagued with guilt and responsibility for his happiness. I wish we had a big family, I'm indebted to look out for him all on my own. I can't HAVE an independent life.
Even my relationship is suffering - the persistant calls and demands to call up are destroying what little time we have together. My OH tells me to just answer him. If I do, we are up out of bed and sitting downstairs 5 minutes later. He doesn't see the interference.

One time, when I lived at home, my OH had stayed the night. It was early Sunday morning and we were still asleep. MY brother woke us up, knocking pesistantly at the bedroom door "Let me in! I want to show you a new pair of shoes (or something)" "I'm in BED X, and Y is here!"..."just open up, I want to show you!"....he would NOT go away until we let him in! WAITED outside the door!!! You just can NOT say NO to him.
I was ashamed of my life! HE made me feel that way. I was angry for a long time, still am. Will never ever forget it.
I realised then how he has absolutely no respect for privacy or boundaries.
I mean, come on - asleep in bed with my OH and he demands to be let in to the room NOW NOW NOW and "Hi Y, how are you?" as if we were sitting in the garden!!!

He's not the type to ever seek counselling, he won't even see a GP or dentist. I could not even bring it up that he should see someone for any hidden issues he may have. That sort of thing would be a no-go for him. He's VERY set in his ways and can't change even the smallest of things. Everything has to be predictable, with military precision, just the way HE wants it, else he loses it. He's smashed up thing in the house on my mother and pushed her and kicked her. Done it to me too.

What do you do with someone like that???

Cherry Blossom Girl

brotherbother wrote: »

He's smashed up thing in the house on my mother and pushed her and kicked her. Done it to me too.

What do you do with someone like that???

Try calling the Guards next time. That's assault.

Babooshka

brotherbother wrote: »

What do you do with someone like that???

You don't do anything, you step back and take control for yourself and yourself only. I really do sympathise with you but by the way you keep insisting he is making you feel that way, you are falling into a victim role, maybe you're not even fully aware of the role you're playing yourself and counselling might help. As I mentioned, reading about toxic shame might help too.

I was and sometimes still am a victim around my family, but am consistently conscious of trying to take responsibility for myself and not get upset like I used to when I was younger. That's all you can do. It isn't your fault if he drives into a wall, and you have to stand up and step back from both your mother and your brother and that's really just it.

tbh

you need to learn that your phone is there for your convenience, not his. He is playing you, but you're letting him. Stop explaining and stop apologising - let him deal with it.

"why didn't you answer your phone last night?" "didn't feel like talking" / "I was watching TV"- simple. Don't feel the urge to elaborate.

If he keeps ringing, pick up the phone, say "can't talk now, in the middle of something - I'll call you tomorrow" and hang up, or turn off the phone, or buy one of those phones that allow you divert certain numbers to voicemail.

The simple answer is, you're not going to be able to alter your brothers behavior. The only thing in your control in this situation is how you react to it - focus on that instead.

Esoteric_

If you think you're going to get abuse for not answering your phone/turning it off, then you need to talk to him. Just tell him firmly that you go to bed at such and such a time, calling before then is fine but not after then and that you won't be getting out of bed or answering calls once you've gone to bed because you need your own private time. If he still continues, stop answering your phone and don't give him any explanation, because by telling him you won't talk after such a time, you've already given him an explanation. If he ignores it, that's his choice but you've given him fair warning.

Jonny7

Reading your last post I can see you are not just dealing with someone who is very stubborn or difficult here, it seems to be much more than that.

If someone, anyone, in your life is acting stubborn or difficult, we all have a blanket response to it, thats fair enough, and it usually works.

However, if someone is not 'normal' so to speak, that response, or way of dealing them that we always use might be useless... worse than that, it can actually be damaging.

I treat all people the same generally, however theres one person in my life I must treat completely differently, I must talk to them a certain way, because they are very different, very fragile, and treating them the 'normal' way has very bad effects.

Psychologists are brilliant with this, honestly, most of us are at our wits end saying 'we've tried everything', but really we haven't. So, sitting down with a psychologist, telling him/her every detail of your bro's personality, and then asking how you should deal with them might be a good idea (considering it seems quite serious)

Again, just to repeat, its only my opinion I know, but from reading what you've read, hes not 'normal' so to speak, so the 'normal' method of dealing with him will probably not work.

neuro-praxis

I have some very similar experiences to you. I understand very acutely the kind of stress you are under. I suffered insomnia for many years due to this kind of thing.

What you must do is decide that you are no longer responsible for your family's feelings or happiness. It is not your problem if they are unhappy. It's theirs. I mean that. Stop trying to appease them, fix situations and make things right. Because guess what? You can't. And who is suffering? You.

You have taught them how to treat you. Now you can't live with it. So you need to make a change and they are going to hate it.

You are right, you might end up losing your brother by setting up boundaries, but if you do, that is HIS ISSUE, not yours. You are not rejecting him if you lay down the law. You are simply doing what you need to in order to stay sane.

You need to clearly state to him that you will no longer be receiving visits from him in the evenings at short notice. Explain that if he wants to meet up, he will need to check with you at least a few days in advance (you set the terms, and stick to them). If he doesn't like this, tough. Also explain that you will not be answering your phone between x time and x time anymore, that you need peace at night, so he needn't bother calling. He might throw a tantrum. So be it. Let him at it. Walk away.

I would also suggest as some others have done that you get some counselling yourself. It sounds as though you have become literally tormented by a lifetime of unhealthy and co-dependent relationships. I understand this, I really do.

This change will be hard, but believe me, you can do it, and you will know great peace of mind at the other end. Good luck.

Miss Fluff

brotherbother wrote: »

Did you only read the title of my post? I am being plagued with phonecalls every other night, which I am expected to answer immediately.
I am expected to tolerate hearing his problems night after night and get out of bed at 11pm and dress again/drop my study to suit his demands.
This has been going on for YEARS.

With respect OP, this "expectation" you speak of only exists because of your own behaviour to date. Your brother is evidently a bully and not only do you go around to his place and clean it in your spare time and at no charge (wtf? by the way ) but you consistently pander to every whim and answer every demand.

How very dare he expect to come around every evening but he will soon get the message if you actually turn your phone off every evening after about 8pm. Your post does come across as rather histrionic and you are obviously very upset by all of this but you are in fact a facilitator to all this bad behaviour and the sooner you decide that enough is enough the sooner it will stop.

First thing to do is turn your phone off. It's not rocket science.

Taltos

OP - believe it or not you really have received some well intended and good advice so far - even if it did appear to be attacking you try to see beyond that.

Can I ask one question though?
Why do you feel it is your responsibility to "deal" with him and your mother?

Now think about it. Seriously. You seem to be taking an awful lot on here. There is nothing and I really mean this - nothing to stop you from turning around and say - "so what".
So what that he rings you - change your number / turn off your phone.
So what that he rants at you for not answering his call - smile, reply that you are both adults and nobody has a right to treat you like a slave and walk away.
So what that he pressures you into cleaning his home - you choose to do this - whatever rationalization you use to explain it you are still choosing to clean it.
I could go on.

Do you see what I am getting at here?
YOU are giving everyone else - everyone - your power.
ONLY you can take control of your life and choose to include who you want and to what extent you want in your life.

Maybe the counsellor would be good - not for some imagined mental health issue (we all jump to conclusions very easy to get wrong end of stick on a post) - but for your own self-confidence. You need to learn to trust your own judgements and have the confidence to face down bullies like your brother. Yes - he is a bully - and all bullies only have the power we give them.

Think about it - think about seeking some guidance - nothing wrong with that.
In the meantime there are some very simple and easy steps you can do.

1. Call all your family. Calmly explain that for the next few months college is really hectic and you need to really knuckle down. Tell them that you want them to help you on this by doing the following.
a) no calls after 9pm - now TURN OFF your phone after 9pm
b) no calls to your door after 9pm - DON't ANSWER it
c) Weekends are fine once you can arrange in advance when to meet.
d) Do not return any calls/texts immediately. Wait a few hours - or if after 9pm answer the next day. Firstly so they learn you are not at their beck and call & secondly so you have a chance to calm down and answer in a very very calm manner.
e) Next time you are asked to clean the house - well if you need the money - ask for 50 Euro up front and then clean it. Otherwise suggest he take out an add for a cleaner in the local supermarket...
f) NEVER react to his tantrums. That is 100% what he is looking for. Stay calm - keep breathing - and when you have a moment inform him "I think we are done here right now - when you want to apologise and talk like an adult call me in a few days" and WALK away.
g) If you are ever assaulted / struck / spit at - report immediately to the gardai - maybe let him know once that if he ever ever repeats an action like that - that you will do this and also will encourage your mother to do the same.

It really sounds like he never grew up - but you know - SO WHAT - it is his life. He can feck it up till the cows come home. All you need to do is focus on your life - let the rest bedamned....

Lola92

Hi OP, it's an awkward situation that you are in.

I think that your brother is being unreasonable about the times and circumstances of his calls and his behaviour in general tbh, but the reason that this behaviour continues is because YOU continue to tolerate it.

I apologise if this comes across a little harsh but you really do need to confront your brother about the situation once and for all and set down some serious ground rules.

Make it very clear to him that repetitive calling and showing up with little or no notice will not go down well, and as for insisting on coming into your bedroom when you are in bed with your partner? That is completely unacceptable.

Let him know that if he calls you and you are unable/unwilling to talk at that time then you will call him back at YOUR convenience. To keep calling back is both unnecessary and a nuicance and he should only do so in case of a serious emergency.

Express to him that insulting and or speaking violently to you, especially in your own home will not be tolerated.

This may upset him at first but you need to make him see the greater picture that you should be able to do whatever you please, whenever you please in your house. Including going to sleep at a reasonable hour or choosing not to have company over and veg on the couch for an evening!!

I also second the above suggestion to choose a neutral venue such as a cafe or similar, it might help you both to keep your heads.

All the best, Lola.

username123

Ive got a slightly loony brother who would think nothing of invading my personal space either. Im not in contact with him at all anymore, not for years. I dont feel a bit of guilt about it. Its much nicer not having him in my life, he only caused stress and he isnt a nice person.

I agree with all the other people here, turn off your phone, do not answer the door, behave calmly and report any assault or threat of assault to the guards.

I would also advise seeing a counseller, not that I think there is anything wrong with you, not at all, but you are clearly very very stressed out about all of this and it can be very difficult to see the wood from the trees when you are so wound up. A counseller would help you talk through this and teach you coping mechanisms and how to set boundaries and respect your own privacy enough to enforce it with others.

Personally in your position Id be happy enough to annoy the brother so that he wouldnt speak to me for months on end - I wouldnt feel a bit guilty.

brotherbother

brotherbother wrote: »

Tonight I'm feeling very angry, upset and guilty, all at the same time.
My brother (only sibling) called my phone at 10.30pm.
I got very p****d off when I saw the screen. I was just about to eat something and a programme I really wanted to see had just started.
I immediately lost my appetite, threw the food in the bin.
A massive tension headache came on. Out came the Panadol.
...
Thing is, my brother is HYPER SENSITIVE and can be a bit on the violent side aswell. You just can NOT say boo to him and he'd fly into a rage.

He's not the only one
You need to get some kind of counselling or anger management classes

Oh and just turn off your phone

tinkerbell

bluewolf wrote: »

He's not the only one
You need to get some kind of counselling or anger management classes

Oh and just turn off your phone

Yes I agree - OP whatever about your brother, I think you need to look at yourself too. You completely over-reacted when he called. Throwing your dinner in the bin and then this raging headache takes over? That's a problem. You need to talk to someone about your stress because this is not doing you any favours.

And as for your brother, just don't talk to him. Hang up. If he asks why you wouldn't answer, tell him you were busy and you do not want to talk to anybody after Xpm or whatever time you decide. And stop cleaning up his place for him, jees is this guy like 5 years old or something? Stop being such a pushover and stand up for yourself rather than taking the rage out on yourself by flinging your food in the bin and giving yourself a stress-induced headache.

brotherbother

bluewolf wrote: »

He's not the only one
You need to get some kind of counselling or anger management classes

Oh and just turn off your phone

Anger management? Me? For silently dumping my food in the bin, with no aggression or violence aimed at another human being? I assaulted the bin with my food??? I need help for that???

brotherbother

Emme wrote: »

That all sounds rather trauma-inducing. Please consider counselling. You need to set boundaries with your brother. He probably won't like it and your mother mightn't like it when you start saying "NO", but if all fruit fails you might as another person suggested, need to consider emigration if that option is open to you. You wouldn't be the first person to emigrate in order to escape a difficult family.

Thanks Emme for your reply.
I would love to be in a position to move away, to the next county even.
I dream about it actually. Reality is though for the foresseable two years I'm grounded here...think it's time to save and plan for it though.

C-J

Please don't take this as an attack but I really think you need to see a counsellor. You came onto boards looking for peoples opinions but when these opinions aren't what you want to hear you shoot them down and put up a wall. Your actions and reactions really sound like someone who is stressed and needs a break. Please please please talk to somebody.

Whynotme

Have you ever thought your bro might have an illness that causes his behaviour? Sounds a bit like my nephew who has aspergers syndrome. Of course he could be just used to getting his own way but sounds a bit extreme behaviour for an adult.

Either way, I would also suggest counselling, it will give you coping mechanisms to deal with your family, plus its great to vent in safety.;) Learn where the off switch is on your phone and use it. And start making yourself a bit more unavailable, and NO you do NOT have to justify yourself to him for not answering your phone/door etc.

tinkerbell

brotherbother wrote: »

Anger management? Me? For silently dumping my food in the bin, with no aggression or violence aimed at another human being? I assaulted the bin with my food??? I need help for that???

It's why you felt the need to over-react like that? Throwing your food in the bin because your brother phoned you and you didn't want to talk? Then the big headache after?

brotherbother

dan_d wrote: »

The immediate and obvious solution is turn off your phone. Just off.Leave it off. Put it in another room to stop yourself thinking about it, or give it to a friend. And if he asks, tell him you were studying and you turned it off to avoid distractions.

If you're worried about not being contactable for friends, I suggest you get a pay as you go SIM, give the number to those who you do want to be contactable to and nobody else.

Sounds extreme, but your post was a bit extreme.

Stop cleaning his house. Why would you do that? He's a big boy, and you are enabling his behaviour.

I appreciate this is difficult OP but I don't really know what you're looking for. Previous posters have been somewhat harsh, but the thing is that your responses sound like you want somebody to wave a magic wand and make it all go away.It won't.You have to stand up to them. You have to switch your phone off (tbh, if I was being plagued with late night calls, I would have done it a long time ago. It's not necessary to have your phone on 24/7). You have to stop cleaning his place. I shouldn't even have to give you that advice, you just shouldn't be doing it, end of. If you're afraid of violence, head him off at the pass (so to speak). In other words seriously minimise the amount of actual time he is in your presence.

You are not responsible for him OP, and you are the person who is making you feel guilty about all this stuff. I would agree that maybe you should talk to a counsellor just for some help on coping with all this. It's very hard to break a habit of years, especially by yourself. But unfortunately, you are the one that has to do it.You're obviously not happy with what's going on (I don't recommend dumping perfectly good food for him btw, that's your problem and not his), and you have to be the one to stop it. Small steps, but start with switching your phone off and leaving it off. YOU have to set the boundaries, because they won't as long as you keep giving in to them.

Sorry OP, but in this case, it's all about you.And for the record, none of us have perfect families, we all have our problems. It's how you react to them is the important part.

Thanks DanD for your reply.

I know I'm going to have to stop answering the calls. That's the easy part.
I do that most nights, for an agonising half hour or so (to make like I was busy - and if I was then I get distracted from what is is I WAS actually doing and find it very difficult to concentrate again).
It's the avoidance of questioning afterwards that's going to be tough.
He asks, I try brush it off with a tired murmer, have to think hard to change the subject fast etc. It's all very draining and I KNOW I shouldn't have to do put up with it. If it were my boyfriend I'd tell him go jump.

Often think about getting that new number aswell.
All along I've put myself off by thinking it would be MORE hassle, by having to then constantly explain why my phone is hardly ever on. He sometimes rings my boyfriend if my phone is off too, "Where are you? Where is she?"...And so it repeats...
but I know this is what I have to do to start with...building up to eventual bravery with a (vodka-induced) "I don't have to explain myself to my brother!
X doesn't even ask me those questions on my movements and also - please stop expecting to call in every second night, if you want to visit I need at least a day's notice of it, maybe once a month would be ok"...I dream of that conversation. But it would not go well, however nicely I'd put it.
I KNOW it's GOT to be done. I KNOW I am enabling it.

Thanks again

tinkerbell

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think anger management is a bit far-fetched. It isn't like the OP is running around smashing up her home. And the headache is not that uncommon - I have suffered from tension headaches ever since I was about 12. It's just the way I cope with stress.

It wasn't me who suggested anger management - I just said the OP needed to look at themselves and see why the big reaction to a phone call when it can just be ignored.

OP - I wouldn't turn your phone off just to avoid your bro. Because then it means you're missing calls you WANT to get from your friends, just because you're trying to avoid your brother. Just hang up on him. Tell him you're not interested in listening to his constant drama. Tell him he is way too interfering, you are not a child, you do not need constant supervision. And tell him to stop calling your boyfriend - tell your boyfriend not to answer your phone calls. Honestly, your brother's behaviour is worrying.

Just tell him flat out. You only have to say it once. Then it's done n dusted.

brotherbother

Babooshka wrote: »

Op have you ever heard of "toxic shame"? If you Google it if you haven't read anything on it, you might find it useful too. I found it helped explain a lot of freaky feelings I had around my family. It doesn't solve it, but it helps. I can't stand being around my family for more than a couple of hours, then I'm outta there. I love them, but it doesn't mean I have to live with them or be controlled by them....best of luck OP!

I certainly will, thanks. And I think I already know what I'm going to discover in researching it...
I love and care about my brother (as you do with your lot) but due to my childhood, I just don't want to be close to them at all. I can't stand being around them (or even hearing about my mother's family) either. I know it's not my brother's fault how we were raised but just talking to him, seeing him, reminds me of where I come from and the life we had and still have to an extent.
He's talking about the problems he has with her now and while I've listened and gave my views aswell, it's all gotten too much and I can't keep re-living what she was and is like anymore.
It's far too often that he and my mother make contact. A constant reminder of the life I want to forget. I shouldn't even be talking to my mother for all she put me through, but I do just for my brother's sake. There you go.
TOXIC SHAME. Without even Googling it...

brotherbother

Bright__Eyes wrote: »

Try calling the Guards next time. That's assault.

I absolutely would. No doubt in my mind. He's over 6 feet tall and hitting on 20 stone. And when he attacked me, he kept pushing me into the wall, my head was hit against it and my back in agony for weeks. Jesus, writing this isn't even real. And here I am, worried about upsetting HIM???
His ex got smart with me, so I got smart with her and for that he attacked me. She received the same soon after from him and left. I honestly pity the next girl he meets...

brotherbother

tbh wrote: »

you need to learn that your phone is there for your convenience, not his. He is playing you, but you're letting him. Stop explaining and stop apologising - let him deal with it.

"why didn't you answer your phone last night?" "didn't feel like talking" / "I was watching TV"- simple. Don't feel the urge to elaborate.

If he keeps ringing, pick up the phone, say "can't talk now, in the middle of something - I'll call you tomorrow" and hang up, or turn off the phone, or buy one of those phones that allow you divert certain numbers to voicemail.

The simple answer is, you're not going to be able to alter your brothers behavior. The only thing in your control in this situation is how you react to it - focus on that instead.

Thanks tbh.
"He is playing you" - I never looked at it like that. He certainly is. I guess in a way I am the substitute for a girlfriend, he's 'checking up' on me just like he would with a future partner. He knows and I know there's only a limited amount of people who you can do that to and expect to get away with it.
He seems to think that by being family, he is automatically entitled to talk to and see me.

I remember now, one time going through my phone and seeing the option to 'divert if unanswered'/if busy etc, didn't occur to me I could do that. Just thought it would have to be to another number. Must check that out after I log off. Divert to voicemail (without having to switch my phone off). Good one! Great!
I am going to try and react differently from now on. I'm very aware of self controle being the ONLY controle, yet with my brother this all goes out the window. I am annoyed at how I lose the nerve to say no/tell the truth to him, this isn't the case with anyone else. He's one of those people gifted at getting his way...but no more! (yeah, right)...:(

Cherry Blossom Girl

brotherbother wrote: »

I absolutely would. No doubt in my mind. He's over 6 feet tall and hitting on 20 stone. And when he attacked me, he kept pushing me into the wall, my head was hit against it and my back in agony for weeks. Jesus, writing this isn't even real. And here I am, worried about upsetting HIM???
His ex got smart with me, so I got smart with her and for that he attacked me. She received the same soon after from him and left. I honestly pity the next girl he meets...

you poor thing! Honestly, when I read your first post I did think you were overreacting with throwing out your dinner but now I feel sorry for you . I know someone has mentioned it before, but have you considered that your brother may have some mental health issues? What you said about him freaking out if his routine is changed really rang alarm bells with me. I would be the kind of person who also likes some bit of a routine and to know whats happening before it happens so i can prepare mentally, but i don't lose all reason if my plans suddenly change for whatever reason. And he absolutely seems some kind of anger managent therapy. If he ever physically harms you or anyone again, please do report it. I know it will be difficult as he is your brother but he cannot continue to get away with it and think it's ok.

brotherbother

LyndaMcL wrote: »

If he still continues, stop answering your phone and don't give him any explanation, because by telling him you won't talk after such a time, you've already given him an explanation. If he ignores it, that's his choice but you've given him fair warning.

Spot on. This is the trap I always fall in to...sometimes I 'get away' with not explaining, but he ALWAYS gets in "I rang 38 minutes ago but you didn't answer, anyway abcxyz... (then carries on the conversation without a break after the anyway). So annoying. Seemingly 'allowing' me off the hook,
yet still letting me know he thinks I deliberately didn't answer the phone...

brotherbother

Jonny7 wrote: »

Reading your last post I can see you are not just dealing with someone who is very stubborn or difficult here, it seems to be much more than that.

If someone, anyone, in your life is acting stubborn or difficult, we all have a blanket response to it, thats fair enough, and it usually works.

However, if someone is not 'normal' so to speak, that response, or way of dealing them that we always use might be useless... worse than that, it can actually be damaging.

I treat all people the same generally, however theres one person in my life I must treat completely differently, I must talk to them a certain way, because they are very different, very fragile, and treating them the 'normal' way has very bad effects.

Psychologists are brilliant with this, honestly, most of us are at our wits end saying 'we've tried everything', but really we haven't. So, sitting down with a psychologist, telling him/her every detail of your bro's personality, and then asking how you should deal with them might be a good idea (considering it seems quite serious)

Again, just to repeat, its only my opinion I know, but from reading what you've read, hes not 'normal' so to speak, so the 'normal' method of dealing with him will probably not work.

Thanks Jonny.

The replies I've given - typing and re-reading them, instead of just thinking about it all the time and keeping it to myself,
it's kind of looking like a worse situation than I thought. I tend to get on with things and recover fairly fast after pitfalls, forgive and forget and all that, so it's no wonder I'd let it get to this point without changing it.
And his temper and unpredictable moods have gradually gotten worse, so I guess the situation for HIM is worse than I or even HE realises.
With age you're supposed to mellow out more, grow out of your ridiculous habits, but he hasn't.
I know he's frustrated with his lot and needs a relationship at this point in life, but I also know he needs to see and acknowledge that his ways are hurtful and damaging to others, before he ever gets in to a r/ship again.

Whatever about me seeing someone, hard to broach as it will be, he really needs to see someone. I think I could suggest it by using our mother as the reason. If anyone ever needed to speak with a pycologist it would be after witnessing our mother in action. He is having issues with her all the time lately, yet he doesn't stay away from her for more than a week. He has never bothered to do anything for himself and instead of learning or trying he leaves it all up to her instead and so up he goes, while still not talking to her, with washing, for food etc...

Yeah, I think that's the best way, tell him it'd be great to have a professional explain HER behaviour and how to deal with it, that way he can secretly get round to himself and his own worries/insecurities. Would learn a lot about himself I'm sure.

Thanks again for your advice Jonny7

brotherbother

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I have some very similar experiences to you. I understand very acutely the kind of stress you are under. I suffered insomnia for many years due to this kind of thing.

What you must do is decide that you are no longer responsible for your family's feelings or happiness. It is not your problem if they are unhappy. It's theirs. I mean that. Stop trying to appease them, fix situations and make things right. Because guess what? You can't. And who is suffering? You.

You have taught them how to treat you. Now you can't live with it. So you need to make a change and they are going to hate it.

You are right, you might end up losing your brother by setting up boundaries, but if you do, that is HIS ISSUE, not yours. You are not rejecting him if you lay down the law. You are simply doing what you need to in order to stay sane.

You need to clearly state to him that you will no longer be receiving visits from him in the evenings at short notice. Explain that if he wants to meet up, he will need to check with you at least a few days in advance (you set the terms, and stick to them). If he doesn't like this, tough. Also explain that you will not be answering your phone between x time and x time anymore, that you need peace at night, so he needn't bother calling. He might throw a tantrum. So be it. Let him at it. Walk away.

I would also suggest as some others have done that you get some counselling yourself. It sounds as though you have become literally tormented by a lifetime of unhealthy and co-dependent relationships. I understand this, I really do.

This change will be hard, but believe me, you can do it, and you will know great peace of mind at the other end. Good luck.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I stopped facilitating my mother's problems (though she does still try bless her), if anything I should be bothering her with MINE - about the childhood she gave me and my brother. She was so hard to endure that our dad left and never went back.
That's why in a way I suppose he turns to me - he had a terrible role model for a mother in her, bad example of a woman, so in a way I unfortuneately feel responsible for keeping the family together for his sake. I only wish he'd learn and change from a relationship, become independent and mature and not need me so much.

You're so right in saying that I am suffering because of all this, I definitely do need professional explainations for all the madness and so does he.
There is more than one change to be made, not just a case of telling him how much I love my privacy. A long road wiith difficult discussions to be aired along the way...I am NOT looking forward to any of it...

Thanks for understanding and best luck to you too

brotherbother

Taltos wrote: »

OP - believe it or not you really have received some well intended and good advice so far - even if it did appear to be attacking you try to see beyond that.

Can I ask one question though?
Why do you feel it is your responsibility to "deal" with him and your mother?

Now think about it. Seriously. You seem to be taking an awful lot on here. There is nothing and I really mean this - nothing to stop you from turning around and say - "so what".
So what that he rings you - change your number / turn off your phone.
So what that he rants at you for not answering his call - smile, reply that you are both adults and nobody has a right to treat you like a slave and walk away.
So what that he pressures you into cleaning his home - you choose to do this - whatever rationalization you use to explain it you are still choosing to clean it.
I could go on.

Do you see what I am getting at here?
YOU are giving everyone else - everyone - your power.
ONLY you can take control of your life and choose to include who you want and to what extent you want in your life.

Maybe the counsellor would be good - not for some imagined mental health issue (we all jump to conclusions very easy to get wrong end of stick on a post) - but for your own self-confidence. You need to learn to trust your own judgements and have the confidence to face down bullies like your brother. Yes - he is a bully - and all bullies only have the power we give them.

Think about it - think about seeking some guidance - nothing wrong with that.
In the meantime there are some very simple and easy steps you can do.

1. Call all your family. Calmly explain that for the next few months college is really hectic and you need to really knuckle down. Tell them that you want them to help you on this by doing the following.
a) no calls after 9pm - now TURN OFF your phone after 9pm
b) no calls to your door after 9pm - DON't ANSWER it
c) Weekends are fine once you can arrange in advance when to meet.
d) Do not return any calls/texts immediately. Wait a few hours - or if after 9pm answer the next day. Firstly so they learn you are not at their beck and call & secondly so you have a chance to calm down and answer in a very very calm manner.
e) Next time you are asked to clean the house - well if you need the money - ask for 50 Euro up front and then clean it. Otherwise suggest he take out an add for a cleaner in the local supermarket...
f) NEVER react to his tantrums. That is 100% what he is looking for. Stay calm - keep breathing - and when you have a moment inform him "I think we are done here right now - when you want to apologise and talk like an adult call me in a few days" and WALK away.
g) If you are ever assaulted / struck / spit at - report immediately to the gardai - maybe let him know once that if he ever ever repeats an action like that - that you will do this and also will encourage your mother to do the same.

It really sounds like he never grew up - but you know - SO WHAT - it is his life. He can feck it up till the cows come home. All you need to do is focus on your life - let the rest bedamned....

Thanks Taltos for such a well thought out response and taking the time to advise me

I feel responsible because he had the same tough childhood as I had, well not the exact same (I was treated like dirt by my mother, he was a bit of a star in her eyes (I'm sure she wanted me to be a boy too)), but in her constant provocation of my father and every day screaming the house down for the smallest thing and a million other problems she has mentally, he (my brother) became dependent, I became independent,
the strong one who weathered the storm, so he looks to me as the role model woman he didn't have in her. She was in bits mentally and still is. Mad as a hatter and incredibly selfish. Our dad left and she got worse and worse, even bagan taking it out on my brother (which she only ever reserved for me), who was left at home when I had moved out.
He doesn't know how to act in a relationship, he's had all of them fail.

I know he really wants to open up to me but I'm trying to keep that at arms length, some things you should just not discuss with family.
He is constantly reminding me of her by offloading his problems and I know it takes a LOT for him to speak about it (he only started this lately) but there's only so much I can do or take.
I'm going to HAVE to suggest he sees a phyciatrist.
I want to see a change in him and am willing to discuss his take on what the phyc. says, IF he ever does see one.
I want him to see that he can BE happy in his life because as of now he is most definitely not and I worry about him. It's awful that I have to but I have to. Someone has to.
I still want to see him regular of course but not 3 or 4 times a week.
He needs to mature and move up a level. He won't unless he realises his attitude and behaviour is so appalling. All that s**t could (and probably will) take YEARS. He will never be happy unless he figures this out for himself. I am not ever about to say it to him though.
And yeah, he IS a bully I guess to deal with our mother's outward rage he became aggressive himself as a means to stand up to her and prevent her victimising him, the way she did with me.

And as for her, she never worried about anyone but herself. I am done dealing with her and she knows it. She hasn't even tried to get back in with me, cos she doesn't care. She's incapable of emotion.

I like your take on feck 'em all - if only I could say it too and live by it...
Thanks for the pointers too, sounds like a family survival kit 101

brotherbother

Whynotme wrote: »

Have you ever thought your bro might have an illness that causes his behaviour? Sounds a bit like my nephew who has aspergers syndrome. Of course he could be just used to getting his own way but sounds a bit extreme behaviour for an adult.

Either way, I would also suggest counselling, it will give you coping mechanisms to deal with your family, plus its great to vent in safety.;) Learn where the off switch is on your phone and use it. And start making yourself a bit more unavailable, and NO you do NOT have to justify yourself to him for not answering your phone/door etc.

Thanks WhyNot.
I have thought that it might be. I read about a girl recently, in a very brief magazine article, who said she had it and she only explained ONE trait of her personality and it immediately rang a bell. She said she can't keep anything to herself and HAS to express her emotions on everyone, even to strangers, she'll say to them "I don't like you!". It is, I think, like a mild form of autism? I'll look in to it, you never know.

Ken.

brotherbother wrote: »

Thanks Taltos for such a well thought out response and taking the time to advise me

I feel responsible because he had the same tough childhood as I had, well not the exact same (I was treated like dirt by my mother, he was a bit of a star in her eyes

I think you've sort of answered everything in that sentence, he was your mothers blue eyed boy and isn't anymore so he's projecting on to you.

dan_d

To be honest, Op, when I read your first post, I didn't try and find an explanation for his behaviour, as my brain instantly thought "he sounds a bit "simple", so the better option is for the OP to figure out how to deal with him so that her life isn't impacted in such a way".

Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. He's certainly phenomenally selfish and irresponsible. I don't know if that qualifies him for a psychological label or not.

You can suggest he goes to talk to somebody, but don't be surprised to be met with resistance at the very least, or an outright refusal. And if that's the case, you need to fall back on protecting your life (and your sanity) from him. It's not your responsibility to solve whatever issues he might have. I understand how you feel about him - I have 3 younger siblings and would be the same about them. But sometimes you have to cut lose and keep telling yourself "it's not my problem".

I still think you should shut your phone off completely. Having it on silent or ignoring the calls is not the same. I know this from an extremely stressful job. I'd have the phone on, but on silent (maybe on a day off or something), see the calls coming through and be torn - do I answer and deal with the ****storm at the other end, or do I ignore and spend the rest of the day torturing myself over what the problem might be, what I'd be going in to the next day and why that particular person would be ringing me. There's very little to chose between them.Whereas if I turned it off and made myself leave it off until I was sitting at my desk the next day and could listen to the voicemails, and deal with the problems then, in the correct place. I know it's not quite the same, but I'd imagine it feels similar. So, turn it off. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

As countless posters have said though, it's up to you to set the boundaries. And a trip to a counsellor, just to help you cope, to have somebody impartial to talk to, even just for one or two sessions, would be very helpful for you.