Bullied at school-still resentful

LegacyUser

Hi. Guy here. me and my siblings, particularily at primary school were bullied and called names every day such as ''smelly'' and were often left to play on our own. It still plays on my mind. Everytime Im back home and see one of my former schoolmates I still feel shame and guilt as if they are still thinking ''theres that smelly kid from school'', even though they probably arent.



My parents are not bad people, just unconventional. My mother has suffered from depression most of her life and did her best but i guess she found the whole parenting thing overwhelming. My dad drank quite a lot. Hygiene standards were never the highest, to put it mildly. If we got a bath 3 times a year it was alot. We rarely went to school with clean clothes. Lunches were like dog food. Our house was like a rubbish tip. Social workers were called on a few occassions.



Im in my 20's now, and i turned out pretty ok, normal life, normal job and normal hygiene(shower every day now, thankfully! ) but my self esteem can be pretty low at times. I am a decent looking guy but I have zero confidence approaching girls. Im thinking of emmigrating to OZ, to make a fresh start and be somewhere where I can be more confident in myself without all the memories of the past following me around. Dont know what kind of advice Im looking for really, its just that ive never really talked to anyone about all this before. Or is life too short to be worrying about the past and should I just put it all behind me and move on, buts it difficult. Anyone have any tips? Thx

cafecolour

Life is definitely too short to be worrying about the past. You are no longer the person you were in school.

Emigrating to Australia is great, if you've got the right mindset - it's an adventure, not an escape. There are no 'fresh starts' as such - wherever you go, you still bring yourself with you

So certainly look at heading to Oz, but also work on building your self-confidence. Getting a good circle of friends can certainly help. Also, finding an activity/sport you enjoy and putting a lot into it can also be a confidence builder.

theg81der

God op your an amazing, warm hearted, forgiving person. Post doesn`t come across resentful at all and I feel you have a right to be angry. It wasn`t your fault at all, you weren`t dealt the best hand when it came to parents. I think your making to many excuses for them. Look at how well you`ve coped even thou everything was against you and how would you deal with having children? no matter what was against you I garentee you would overcome it or try to.

I know its hard to change peoples opinions of you - I use to have a "reputation" when I was a teen and I am literally a completely different person now thats over 12 years ago and people still look at me like I`m dirt when I go home so I generally just don`t do that to myself.

Continue to do what your doing turn the negartives into positives and try to move towards happyness and a great future.

greengiant09

coming myself from a similar position, i can relate to what you are saying. i'd be wary though if you get into the thinking that simply changing countries will boost your self-esteem. you'd be surprised by how much bullying can affect you presently even though it may have happened so long ago. you may have completely moved on otherwise but it can have left a lot of conditioned negative beliefs in yourself that you may not be fully concious of.

thankfully, there is some excellent self-help material out there that you can really work on. you may want to check out some tony robbins stuff....very inspiring. what happened in the past is in the past and you need to start seeing it this way. it does not dictate your future. you need to start seeing it from a positive perspective. you have achieved extraordinarily when you think about.....a lot of people from decent back grounds have not achieved so much.

also remember that there are numerous popular figures out there who came from similar backgrounds and were inspired by there experiences to achieve and become the person they are today!

Mossy1983

Emigrating to Australia is great, if you've got the right mindset - it's an adventure, not an escape. There are no 'fresh starts' as such - wherever you go, you still bring yourself with you

This is so true. I'm living in Australia at the min and this is by far and away the greatest thing I've learnt. My situation wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as yours but before I came, I imagined myself becoming the person Id always wanted to be - more out going, open, confident. I wasn't looking for a major transformation or anything - but just planned on becoming the best version of 'me' that I knew was deep inside.

But no matter how many new experiences and interactions you have, the only constant factor in everything is you. Basically i found myself behaving in situations in the exact same way i had always done. My thought processes were exactly the same, my fears and concerns were the exact same and my actions were the same - the only thing that had changed was scenery! I realised that if I was to ever become the *me* that I wanted to be, the change would have nothing to do with where I was. I can be that person at home or in Australia.

I hope this helps.
Good luck

karaokeman

lyinginbedlikebrianwilson wrote: »

Hi. Guy here. me and my siblings, particularily at primary school were bullied and called names every day such as ''smelly'' and were often left to play on our own. It still plays on my mind. Everytime Im back home and see one of my former schoolmates I still feel shame and guilt as if they are still thinking ''theres that smelly kid from school'', even though they probably arent.

Firstly you are not guilty at all. If you really feel this then you are being too hard on yourself. I know it is difficult seeing that same group of people around, but try and remember that so long as you don't associate with them they will not assume its still affecting you.
Just ignore those people all together. Cut them out of your life, they deserve it for treating you and your siblings so bad.

lyinginbedlikebrianwilson wrote: »

My parents are not bad people, just unconventional. My mother has suffered from depression most of her life and did her best but i guess she found the whole parenting thing overwhelming. My dad drank quite a lot. Hygiene standards were never the highest, to put it mildly. If we got a bath 3 times a year it was alot. We rarely went to school with clean clothes. Lunches were like dog food. Our house was like a rubbish tip. Social workers were called on a few occassions.

I know its difficult living with the standard of life that you had as a kid but just realise there is always a way to have a positive perspective on the future.
Its not your family's fault they were not very wealthy. And if you have a decent life now it may not be too late to make a difference.

lyinginbedlikebrianwilson wrote: »

Im in my 20's now, and i turned out pretty ok, normal life, normal job and normal hygiene(shower every day now, thankfully! ) but my self esteem can be pretty low at times.

Do you still live with/close to your mother? If she had problems with depression maybe you could share your new life with her and maybe your dad too. Bring them on a holiday abroad, take them out, that kind of stuff.
It may help to lift their moods. When adults grow old they need people to take them away from the house. Your self-esteem goes up if you get to explore the world outside your home.

lyinginbedlikebrianwilson wrote: »

I am a decent looking guy but I have zero confidence approaching girls. Im thinking of emmigrating to OZ, to make a fresh start and be somewhere where I can be more confident in myself without all the memories of the past following me around. Dont know what kind of advice Im looking for really, its just that ive never really talked to anyone about all this before. Or is life too short to be worrying about the past and should I just put it all behind me and move on, buts it difficult. Anyone have any tips? Thx

If it helps moving to OZ by all means do so. Also join sporting clubs for activities to take your mind off other things and maybe if you do a college course or something you may be able to meet new people and essentially girls.