What should I do?

LegacyUser

Hi and thanks for taking the time toread my post, ok now were to start, Well ive been seeing this woman now for three months and I do like her a lot the problem is after 3 months its not progressing, I know she has a lot of trust isssues with men since her ex used to beat her and even put her in hospital on a few occasions i still havent go the full story behind it.


Ive told her from the start that im willing to be patient and give her time and me time to gain her trust, but my problem is everytime i feel like im breaking down her gard its like she panics and throws up a wall again, for example last week we were chatting on the phone and she was telling me how amazing i am, the perfect man serious ego boost ha but i was all smiles but since then she been all dis interested saying she doesnt doesnt miss my hugs or is in no rush t me again well see each other when we see each other and this is not the first time this has happened, it happens everytime she lets her gard down and really begins to let me in.


Now i dont mind being patient with her and taking things at snails pace, but its the constant messing with my emotions i cant take, im on a high one min and then a low the next. What would people do in my situation? Or how much time would you give her? I do like her but then again I dont want to be doing this for a year and still not know whats going on.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

It sounds as if she is not ready to be with anyone. That's not her fault, I can't imagine being hospitalised because of an ex, she must be incredibly wary to trust someone.

All I would say is maybe just tell her exactly how you feel and take the pressure off and see what she says.

It sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship. She may want one, but is afraid of how it will turn out.

That's a terrible shame for you if you really care for her, but her fears obviously run deep. You can't do anymore than give her support and step away and let her work her own problems out

Oh I know its not her fault, her ex was obviously scum of the earth, and after what shes been throught i cant blame her for finding it hard to trust a man again.

She already knows how I feel im fairly straight out with people dont believe in playing games, And I know she finds it hard to trust me or men in general but she has told me that i am slowly gaining her trust (which im wokring hard to do) which im glad to hear because i wouldnt break it and I dont mind being patient for her, since the more I get to know her the more I do care for her.

My only problem is that, the constant I do like you, dont like you thing that she does to me is getting hard to take, i wouldnt mind if she said to me I like you but I need to take it really slowly thatd be fine id go as slow as she needed as long as i knew where I firmly stood.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

It sounds as if she is not ready to be with anyone. That's not her fault, I can't imagine being hospitalised because of an ex, she must be incredibly wary to trust someone.

All I would say is maybe just tell her exactly how you feel and take the pressure off and see what she says.

It sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship. She may want one, but is afraid of how it will turn out.

That's a terrible shame for you if you really care for her, but her fears obviously run deep. You can't do anymore than give her support and step away and let her work her own problems out

Ah I know its not her fault its the dirty rotten scumbag ex of hers that has ruined her faith in men she cant help that.

She already knows how I feel im not one to play games really, and I know she finds it really hard to trust men, but she has told me that im begining to gain her trust and its not something I plan on loosing, Ive also told her I dont mind being patient and giving her as much time as she needs.

My problem is that one min shes saying she likes me then shes saying she doesnt, I wouldnt mind if she came out and said ok i like you but I need time jsut bear with me, its the constant emotional rollercoaster she keeps putting me on I never know whether im coming or going.

lace

Something like the abusive relationship she's been through takes a lot of time to get over. You need to consider how you will feel if this continues indefinitely. If she herself understands that she has these issues perhaps you could (very gently) suggest she talk to a professional?

In the meantime, if you're really into her you should stick with it. Sounds like you're doing everything right and it's unfortunate that you're having these problems in the relationship. If you have a feeling she really does like you and she does show this on occasion then try to use her fleeting moments of disclosure to keep up your morale. Every time she says she's not into you, remember something cute she said or a look she gave you that made you happy.

miec

Hi Op

Is your girlfriend seeing a counsellor or getting any help with regard to the previous physical abuse? It would help her enormously if she did.

As to her hot and cold treatment towards you, whilst I agree it is good that you are being patient, it is also important that you are treated fairly irrespective of a person's background (I have experienced similar to your girlfriend as well as other forms of abuse) so you need to let her know how you feel. I would word it in such a way that it is not attacking her, for instance a good example of letting her know how you feel could be something like: X, I am glad that you are trusting me more and more but I need to let you know that it hurts me that you are open towards me one moment and distant the next. It makes me feel confused / hurt / etc'.

By taking this approach you are letting her know how her behaviour impacts you but you are not criticising her, at the same time you are making your feelings known to her. It is important to be supportive but not at the expense of your self respect. I hope it works out for you.