husband wont attend confirmation

LegacyUser

Just a fast little question. My youngest sister and godchild is making her confirmation soon. I mentioned the date in passing ages ago to my husband, but he denies this. He seems to have forgotten.

Problem is, he has made plans for a weekend away with some friends for a music festival in donegal and the confirmation lands on the sunday. I've suggested he go up on friday night and I'll pick him up early sunday morning, a very very long drive for me but I thought a fair compromise, but he wont budge. He's not going to the confirmation and that's it.

I've explained it's important to me, and very important to my sister who thinks he's great, that he's there. I've explained that I don't want to spend the day fielding questions about where he is and why he's not at the family party. I've told him that my sister will be upset that he can't make it, and she really will. He just said he doesn't care, he's not going.In his exact words "I don't give a f**k about a confirmation and I'm not leaving early to go sit in a f***ing church".

I feel very let down, embarassed that he wont be there and to be honest very worried that he can say "this is what I'm doing whether you like it or not" without even discussing with me. It's childish and selfish in my opinion. Am I over-reacting by being so upset?

I am a friend

I would be p'd off too... He is acting like a single man and while family things can be a pain in the ass, when in a relationship we often need to compromise especially for the bigger ones.

If your family asks tell the truth...

I don't like the way he spoke to you either and to be honest I would not be pandering to him like you seem to be I.e offering to collect him. Go and enjoy the day but in future suit yourself just like he does....

Count Duckula

Is he at all religious, OP? Could he be avoiding this for reasons of belief, or is it purely because he'd rather be with friends?

ElleEm

I can see why you're annoyed with him, but he has already made alternative plans for that weekend. He obviously feels that going to the festival with his friends is his priority for that weekend, regardless of whether it is the right or wrong thing to do.

You've spoken to him, and he is unwilling to compromise, so you will just have to go alone.

Don't worry about answering your family's questions- just tell them he made alternative arrangements. It may hurt your feelings that he is not there, but married people do separate things all the time, don't be embarrassed about it.

Joey the lips

personally i hate sitting in communions and confirmations and i would consider myself religious so really this is a personal thing.

I could tell you your husband is being unfair but then again i dont know the situation. I dont know the stresses your under. I dont know how long your husband is looking forward to this.

I am assuming if he was your husband and you stood you married in the church in which case he is religious in the religious sense.

So really i just think he is looking forward to it. Does not want to be seen by his friends as being mollied and nothing more.

If you told him its important he is there and he disagrees what more can you do.

Really the child wont notice. They will be to busy.

OS119

confirmation wrote: »

In his exact words "I don't give a f**k about a confirmation and I'm not leaving early to go sit in a f***ing church".

I feel very let down, embarassed that he wont be there and to be honest very worried that he can say "this is what I'm doing whether you like it or not" without even discussing with me. It's childish and selfish in my opinion. Am I over-reacting by being so upset?

sorry OP, but he kind of has discussed it with you - the exact quote you've used doesn't sound like the opening of the discussion, it sounds very much like 'i've said this again and again, i've explained my position a dozen times, now just p**s off'.

does you husband have - apart from the above - particular views on the Church specifically or religion in general?

if he has, then perhaps you are being unreasonable by expecting him to ignore his fundamental beliefs just so that you don't have to answer awkward questions - which is childish and selfish all by itself.

oncebitten

OP, I can see why you're annoyed. But I doubt that his missing the confirmation will be of huge importance to anyone other than you. I'd be inclined to say nothing more about this one and use it against him the next time you want him to do something!

If anyone asks where he is, just say that he had made plans before he realised the date of the confirmation.

Sleepy

TBH this wouldn't be an issue for me and my o/h as neither of us are religious but were she religious, it still wouldn't make me so. I'd consider a confirmation as something to mourn rather than celebrate (another child lost to superstition etc.) and couldn't ever see myself prioritising attending it over doing the garden, never mind a rock festival.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I couldn't agree more with what I am a friend has said. You were prepared to totally put yourself out to meet him and drive him back and he could not even be grateful. It's not even like he is missing the whole festival!!!

Hang on, it's not like he's saying he'd go to both if he could. So offering to drive him there is beside the point, since he doesn't want to go full stop.

LegacyUser

I don't go to communions or confirmations or baptisms.

I've a few nephews and nieces with communions coming up and I can't bring myself to support the church regardless of what my brothers and sisters and their partners feel. (remember, this is a church that has covered up the raping of little boys and girls for decades)

Just because they believe in it (which they don't really) / didn't want their kids to feel left out / weren't brave enough to challenge the status quo in our society, doesn't mean that I have to support it.

I'll explain it to my nephews and nieces if we are allowed to have that discussion (and as a friend of mine had with his son making his communion as to why he won't be there).

Why force your guy to go along to something he has no belief in? Is that not worse than him sitting there being disrespectful . Let him speak to your niece explaining the reason why he won't be there and that he'll take her out for a day to make up for it.

BTW, when I became Godfather to my niece, I told my brother than I wouldn't be partaking in any religious ceremonies .

LegacyUser

Hi OP here. The girl is my sister, not my niece. My baby sister too. So obviously I'm very protective of her and want her to be happy.

Husband is not refusing to go on the grounds of not being religious. He doesn't care either way. He's refusing to go because he wants to go elsewhere. So no it's nothing in protest at what the church represents. I respect the fact that people refuse to go due to their beliefs, but this is not down to that at all. And to our family and the girl who is making her confirmation, the confirmation is an important thing. Please can we not turn this into an anti religious thing, as that is not the issue. He wont even come back in time for the party afterwards.

He is saying that he didn't know it was coming up, even though we had a conversation about it and how we wouldn't need to take any time off work as the next day is a bank holiday. He was told about it before planning his trip.

@OS119 actually the way it went was along the lines of

husband; "I can't go to the confirmation, you only told me about it yesterday, I'm going to x instead"
me; "I told you ages ago, we even spoke about taking Monday off work."
husband; "I'm not going, end of story"
me; "It's a pity your thing is on the same day but I'd like you to go, so would sister. Can you go on Friday night and I'll collect you Sunday morning?"
husband; "That's a stupid Idea, I'm not going, beg all you want, I don't give a f**k about a confirmation and I'm not leaving early to go sit in a f***ing church"
Of course then I got upset and started crying, probably in shock at being roared and cursed at, then he started shouting at me to stop crying that it wouldn't make him change his mind. (I was crying through upset and not trying to manipulate, I've never used tears to manipulate so I don't know why he thought this)

So as you can see it was very close to the start of the conversation. So no, I can't see childishness or selfishness in what I said or the fact that I'm upset. Not only by the way he spoke to me, by by the fact that yet again he's saying "this is the way it is, if you don't like it tough".

The child will notice - we got married late last year and she was there for table planning with me. She's been doing up her own table plan which included him sitting beside her. We're having a party in my parents house and she's been asking me what his favourite food is so she can make sure there is some there. I think I feel most hurt by the fact he knows the little girl adores him and his reaction is the say he couldn't care less. I'm annoyed that because he doesn't care about the confirmation, it's just not important to him, even though it's very important to me and my family. When I know something is important to him, it automatically becomes important to me too.

LegacyUser

I think you husband is bang out of order and being incredibly childish. He's either refusing to attend for one of two reasons. Either for religious reasons, or because of the concert,

If he's an atheist and doesn't want to go to confirmation that's no excuse. I'm an atheist and abhor religious ceremonies, but still would acknowledge that it is very important to you, your sister and your whole family. He should suck it up and go and sit there, he doesn't have to kneel, take communion etc. The fact that he doesn't care how important it is to you and your sister is terrible.
If it's that he'd rather be with his friends than his family at such an important event to you, rather than the religious thing, it says a lot about him. Especially as he would be able to go to the festival anyway seeing as you offered to pick him up.
It's his outright refusal to even discuss the decision that perturbs me the most tbh.

LegacyUser

Honestly, I think you're making too big a deal of this.

She's your sister, not your daughter and it's only a confirmation. On the wedding, baptism, confirmation, communion, big birthday party list of life events, confirmation goes right down the bottom.

Aside from that confirmations are the most god awful boring ceremony, he's organised something else, it's unfortunate that it clashes, but them's the breaks. He'd have no enjoyment at the music festival if he had to leave early on Sunday.

Even if you're a religious family, I can't understand why this is important to either you or your sister. TBH I have a difficult time believing your sister cares. He had something else on is a perfectly reasonable explanation for missing a confirmation, again I don't understand why you'd find that difficult or be embarrassed by it.

Go and enjoy yourself, and let him do the same. Spoil your sister together some other time.

IrishEyes19

To hell with religious belief's. If you can't spend an hour and a half just to make a little kid happy on a day they've prepared for ages for, its a little sad. Not going off topic here, but regardless of the abuses in the church which are horrendous, sitting in on seeing a loved one enjoy their special day in their eyes isnt going to kill anyone. Fair enough for those who dont believe that, but spewing anti religious sentiment here isnt fair either. People are allowed to have their beliefs.

@OP, I think he should have attended for your little sister's day. Its a big day for her and it would mean a lot, but if it doesnt work out that way, perhaps just make up some excuse to why not. Again perhaps explain the situation to him again, and if he refuses. Remind him of times you had assisted him, it might twig at the old heart strings. best of luck

cafecolour

There's two issues here: Him missing the confirmation, and how he talked to you.

Missing the confirmation isn't that big of a deal, if he deals with it properly: HE (not you) needs to talk to your little sister directly, explain that unfortunately he can't make it since he didn't realize the date and already had plans. And then arrange a date/time with her where they can do something 'special' to make up for it (i.e. go to a movie, go to a park, etc.). It doesn't have to be anything major, just something to put some time in and show he cares. It should be an arranged time though, not just vague promises (and he'd better stick to it!).


How he talked to you is out of order. An apology and an explanation is definitely required. Or is this normal? If it is, marriage counseling may be in order, to be honest.


If he refuses to do this, well, honestly - I assume you don't have kids yet. You need to do some careful thinking about the state of your marriage - if this is indicating the type of father he'll be, you're in for a rocky road ahead.

amdublin

Why are you insisting on the confirmation if has something else on.

You need to be an adult about this.

However, I think he spoke badly to you. But maybe that was because you were insisting on going to the confirmation.

Let it go op.

Kimia

Why is everyone making ridiculous excuses for the husband? I think that the OP would have told us if he was super religious in her actual OP.. read the thread ffs!

OP, he's being a selfish díck, simple as.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, can you explain why you think your husband should attend your sisters confirmation? It looks like you want him to attend it because she is important to just you and therefore you think it should have equivalent importance to him. You are married, not joined at the hip.

WhatWillBee

ffffgfffhht wrote: »

I don't go to communions or confirmations or baptisms.

I've a few nephews and nieces with communions coming up and I can't bring myself to support the church regardless of what my brothers and sisters and their partners feel. (remember, this is a church that has covered up the raping of little boys and girls for decades)

Just because they believe in it (which they don't really) / didn't want their kids to feel left out / weren't brave enough to challenge the status quo in our society, doesn't mean that I have to support it.

I'll explain it to my nephews and nieces if we are allowed to have that discussion (and as a friend of mine had with his son making his communion as to why he won't be there).

Why force your guy to go along to something he has no belief in? Is that not worse than him sitting there being disrespectful . Let him speak to your niece explaining the reason why he won't be there and that he'll take her out for a day to make up for it.

BTW, when I became Godfather to my niece, I told my brother than I wouldn't be partaking in any religious ceremonies .

This is a ridiculous attitude to have. (also why did you agree to be godfather if you don't want to be involved in the religious aspect?? makes no sense to me?)

The catholic church in ireland has done terrible things, no doubt, but going to a baptism etc isn't supporting the church, it's supporting the family/friend that wanted you there.

If you don't want to support the church then don't hold your own ceremonies there, but refusing to go under the guise of 'personal belief' is a cop out and is entirely selfish and no doubt extremely disrespectful to anyone who was kind enough to invite you and want you present at something that they consider important.

I am in no way in religious at all but I have attended hindi weddings, jewish ceremonies etc etc. I don't believe in these or any other religion but I go because it's important to someone who is important to me.

OP, I don 't think theres anything you can do. If you really think your little sister will be upset then ask your husband to ring her and explain why he can't go. I think thats fair.

Esel

The main issue here is not the confirmation - it's the way he reacted during the conversation. Only married a year - flashing red lights! Sorry to be so blunt.

Boskowski

Ye I agree, its more the reaction than anything else.
As for the confirmation I think it's mostly in peoples heads. It won't make a difference to the sister whether the guy is there or not.
It's you who wants him there and I can understand that and you're rightly disappointed by his reaction.
But he obviously just doesn't want to be there. He'd grudgingly go if he had nothing else to do but with something he obviously really likes clashing with it he won't compromise. I can see both of your sides. I'd hate to go myself tbh.

Anyway.
I think you should let it go this time but he mustn't make a habit of it. He must understand it's important to you and while it's not to him sometimes we do things we don't like because we do them for our partners.

King of Kings

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

OP, can you explain why you think your husband should attend your sisters confirmation? It looks like you want him to attend it because she is important to just you and therefore you think it should have equivalent importance to him. You are married, not joined at the hip.

I agree 100%.
It's not one of your kids it's YOUR sister he has no obligation there. Surely he is not obliged to follow you to every event you go to?

Taltos

cafecolour wrote: »

There's two issues here: Him missing the confirmation, and how he talked to you.

Missing the confirmation isn't that big of a deal, if he deals with it properly: HE (not you) needs to talk to your little sister directly, explain that unfortunately he can't make it since he didn't realize the date and already had plans. And then arrange a date/time with her where they can do something 'special' to make up for it (i.e. go to a movie, go to a park, etc.). It doesn't have to be anything major, just something to put some time in and show he cares. It should be an arranged time though, not just vague promises (and he'd better stick to it!).


How he talked to you is out of order. An apology and an explanation is definitely required. Or is this normal? If it is, marriage counseling may be in order, to be honest.


If he refuses to do this, well, honestly - I assume you don't have kids yet. You need to do some careful thinking about the state of your marriage - if this is indicating the type of father he'll be, you're in for a rocky road ahead.

I was going to suggest almost the exact same thing as CafeC.
OP - taking this approach would seem the best way to move forward.

a) He explains to your sis why he cannot attend.
b) He arranges a special treat either before/after the event just for the three of you
c) You both need to talk about how to handle disagreements. His reaction does sound excessive - so excessive in fact I have to wonder what are we missing here? Open and calm communication is vital for any marriage - espeically one so young - if you don't get this nailed down fast then you both are in for a very rocky and potentially short ride...

BettePorter

OP, at this stage would you really want him there anyway, with a face on him for the day ? I wouldn't like dragging someone to something that they clearly didn't want to go to if they had alternate plans which he does. Of course he remembers you mentioning the confirmation but he prob didn't realise it coincided with the festival and is now just denying all knowledge.

Obviously if it were a normal weekend you wouldn't have issue with him going away with the boys. But now you want him to give up all plans to spend the day at of all things a confirmation. Big events like family weddings are bad enough, but confirmations are soul destroying events unless its your own kids.

Its not a big deal to say, oh Dave had already something on. They're your family afterall, im sure you're not going to feel like billy no mates. And i guarantee the sister will have long forgotten the absence of your hub, once she starts counting her 'twenties' !

Firetrap

I think at this stage a compromise is the only way out of it. For ye to take your sister out for a treat.

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to sit through the confirmation - if I never have to sit through another one of those it won't be soon enough. His reaction is over the top though and I wonder is there something else festering underneath. Hopefully it's just that he really hates sitting through long, boring religious ceremonies and that he doesn't have a problem with your family.

LegacyUser

We had a confirmation a couple of years ago in our house. Two of them couldn't make it, a brother and a sister. They weren't forced either. Those that could go, did. What's the problem? People should be able to decide things for themselves.

OP you mentioned it was on june bank holiday, as he would have monday off. Well you're cutting his long weekend short. I would be fairly pee'd off at that too. Im sure he will get plenty of chances to go to communions and confirmations once your own kids are involved. Leave him be.

Shelli2

confirmation op here wrote: »

So as you can see it was very close to the start of the conversation. So no, I can't see childishness or selfishness in what I said or the fact that I'm upset. Not only by the way he spoke to me, by by the fact that yet again he's saying "this is the way it is, if you don't like it tough".

If this was a one off I'd leave it and put it down to a mad man mood....but you say above "yet again" which leads me to belive that this occurs more often. There seems to be an underlying problem here and the confirmation has brought it to a head.

ash23

I don't feel he should have to go to the confirmation. Your sister will get over his absence. My daughters godfather didn't make it to her communion because he had a stag party. No biggie. My daughter was a bit disappointed but it wasn't a big deal.

He wants to do something on his long weekend. you want to do something else. Ye should each do what you want.

As for how he spoke to you, not on. Not at all! He owes you a HUGE apology for that.

sbsquarepants

I have to say i'm with the hubby. I begrudgingly went to my own kids confirmations and communions (if it had been up to me they wouldn't have made them, but that's a different story) there is no way i would ever attend someone elses and that's just that - your sister would just have to be upset as would anyone else who cared to take offence at my absence. You shouldn't live your life to suit your inlaws. There is no need to fear questions about it, just say he isn't there cos he went to a music festival in Donegal - there is no need to beat around the bush.

LegacyUser

I'm astonished at the reactions on this thread. I'm a wife and Mother myself and I think you're being incredibly unreasonable. I take it he is going to the Rory Gallagher festival?
If the child is making it's confirmation, it means she is at least 12, well above the age of reasoning. She needs to realise the whole world does not revolve around her. I would see Communions and Confirmations as total non-events to everyone except the childs parents.

There are only a certain amount of weekends in the year and with all the stuff for kids nowadays christenings/birthdays/communions/confirmations/graduations/school plays/openings of envelopes etc etc if a person was to to show their face at all of these for InLaws they'd never get a weekend to themselves.

The little girl can dress up again and you husband can make a fuss of her outfit another time. I certainly did this with my Son when his Grandparents could not make it to his Communion. It is commonly done and no big deal at all.

If he were to go to this he would miss a whole day of the festival on Sunday and not really be able to relax on the Saturday. Very unreasonable to expect after what he will have paid and planned to get there. It's not his problem your sister is getting confirmed that day. You can easily go alone. Any perceived 'loss of face' is in your own mind.

I would NEVER be such a killjoy as to force my husband to ruin and long looked forward to festival weekend with his mates for a boring day in church with a 12 year old. The 12 year old will get over it. I certainly would not let my daughter call the shots like you are claiming she is. Confirmations/Communions are for the parents. End of.

omahaid

youneedtogrowup wrote: »

I'm astonished at the reactions on this thread. I'm a wife and Mother myself and I think you're being incredibly unreasonable.

So if your husband said this to you

confirmation op here wrote: »

husband; "That's a stupid Idea, I'm not going, beg all you want, I don't give a f**k about a confirmation and I'm not leaving early to go sit in a f***ing church"

You would consider this a reasonable response?

OP, whatever about the confirmation your husband seems very rude. Plus, it's a marriage, my wife is religious and I am not but because it is important to her I compromise, why wouldn't I? I do love her after all.

LegacyUser

omahaid wrote: »

So if your husband said this to you
You would consider this a reasonable response?

I would NEVER be in the OPs position in the first place that I would be harganguing him to cancel a fun festival just because I was too windy to tell my family where he was. It's ridiculous.

I get the impression from his use of the word 'beg' that OP was pressuring him excessively and not listening and he lost his temper with her. I don't blame him either.

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

TBH this wouldn't be an issue for me and my o/h as neither of us are religious but were she religious, it still wouldn't make me so. I'd consider a confirmation as something to mourn rather than celebrate (another child lost to superstition etc.) and couldn't ever see myself prioritising attending it over doing the garden, never mind a rock festival.

This made me laugh! Hilarious turn of phrase..

OP I think this might be a bigger deal for you than anyone else like someone else said.. It's perfectly normal to do different things with your partner. And if he has plans to go to a rock weekend then surely it's just a case of both of you doing your own thing for the weekend? I wouldn't see it as a big deal..

But if he is being disrespectful that's different. Is it possible you were dictating to him that he had to go and he's rebelling? I don't mean to offend you at all, just wondering aloud.. I know I was like this a lot with my ex - I would demand he did things and he would rebel and do his own thing without involving me sometimes which used to drive me demented and made me more controlling and so the spiral would continue..

We have both discussed this since (as exes - great the clarity it gives you!) that this was such a counterproductive way to do things and we were hurting each other unnecessarily because we had such bad communication patterns with each other..

tinkerbell

Ok first of all, it is completely unreasonable to try to force your husband to go to the confirmation. It is such a boring event to go to unless you are either the child, mother or father or that's the kind of thing you're into.

Your husband has already made plans, get over it. He's your husband, not your servant - he doesn't need to go everywhere with you. The 12 year old will get over it, your husband can arrange a special day out for the three of you at a later date.

However, that said, the way your husband spoke to you is appalling. It really is. Really abusive and horrible. Why did he get so aggressive? I think that's what you need to be concerned about here. Were you constantly nagging him and being aggressive yourself or did he just flip out and go mental?

LegacyUser

omahaid wrote: »

So if your husband said this to you

husband; "That's a stupid Idea, I'm not going, beg all you want, I don't give a f**k about a confirmation and I'm not leaving early to go sit in a f***ing church"

You would consider this a reasonable response?

OP, whatever about the confirmation your husband seems very rude. Plus, it's a marriage, my wife is religious and I am not but because it is important to her I compromise, why wouldn't I? I do love her after all.

I would pretty much say the same thing after a while if the other person couldn't take no for an answer. He was pee'd off. And it probably wasn't the first sentence out of his mouth. Stop the begging and the nagging and he probably wouldn't have said it.

It's a confirmation. By this time next year, the kid will probably give up on going to mass. Break the pledge and have her first drink at 14 or 15. Confirmations, they mean nothing. There's no big deal in not going.

Mighty_Mouse

I'm with the husband.
Instead of spending the June bank holiday weekend with his mates at the Rory Gallagher festival he should drive back home to his wife's sisters confirmation?
Marriage now means a total loss of independance?
Every crappy birthday, funeral, stations of the cross missed will result in problems!!
Weekends are precious enough without having to bow to silly family politics. Does your husband show your sister friendship when he's around? If so, what more do you want really.

This is basically a case of the OP throwing her toys out of the pram because she can't get her own way. It's emotional black-mail.

It's not the husbands bad language that's the problem here. The language whilst crude is at least honest. The OP suggesting she drive half-way across the country & back is total madness. So her solution is to arrive sleep deprived & weary in Donegal to drag him from his mates back across the country.?

I suspect that eventually he will bow to the madness because the alternative will be a miserable life, but who wants to live like that anyways?

husband; "That's a stupid Idea, I'm not going, beg all you want, I don't give a f**k about a confirmation and I'm not leaving early to go sit in a f***ing church"
You would consider this a reasonable response?

OP, whatever about the confirmation your husband seems very rude

Fair enough, he could of been more polite. But it's honest?
Should partners in life dance around each other with politeness?

"I want what you want me to want honey?"

she was there for table planning with me. She's been doing up her own table plan which included him sitting beside her. We're having a party in my parents house and she's been asking me what his favourite food is so she can make sure there is some there.

Sounds like a man slowly starting to crack from this horse-manure.

LegacyUser

omahaid wrote: »

So if your husband said this to you



You would consider this a reasonable response?

OP, whatever about the confirmation your husband seems very rude. Plus, it's a marriage, my wife is religious and I am not but because it is important to her I compromise, why wouldn't I? I do love her after all.

While the resonse is unreasonable, I would question carefully what led to that response before I would dismiss the husband as an asshole.

The confirmation of his sister in law clearly isn't important to him. That's not an unreasonable position in itself, though the OP seems to think it is. His presence at the confirmation isn't neccesary to any part of the celebration, confirmation isn't usually considered a very important ceremony, he is not a particularly close relative of the child, it's an extremely tedious ceremony and it's not uncommon for close relatives not to attend. He has plans he's looking forward to that weekend.

In addition, the OP is presenting her willingness to drive to Donegal as a self-sacrifice, when in fact she's doing it to get what she wants.

How clear he has made it that he has no interest in going, and how many times he's repeatedly explained himself I don't know. If that's his opening statement he's being extremely rude, but I can say that if being polite wasn't getting the message through, there is definitely a point at which I would snap and spell it out in no uncertain terms.

MagicMarker

I think the husband went about this the wrong way and you both need to talk about that.

But, OP, you need to face facts that he just doesn't want to go to a confirmation. It's not a huge occasion and is pretty much meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I think you need to accept that and get over it.

LegacyUser

Your husband did lose his temper a bit but I can see his point of view. He doesnt want to go which is perfectly ok. If I were you I would pick your battles and this one is not worth falling out over. Ask him to apologise for the way he spoke and let him go and enjoy the festival.

LegacyUser

He came back from work last night and spoke about the day as if nothing had happened. "what time is the confo", are we spending the night etc. I was totally confused & asked him what was going on, he was so adamant he was not going. He had checked his diary in work, seen the weekend "penciled in" and remembered that we had plans made. He said nothing about his behaviour, the way he spoke, and I'm afraid to ask what caused such a reaction. The last time I asked if he was stressed out about something, he told me that he wasn't and if I don't like his behaviour I could "go f**k off". This was not part of a row, it was me simply asking if he was ok as he had seemed off form.


I'm surprised with the amount of "I wouldn't want to do it, so I wouldn't". I must have a pretty off view of marriage because if my husband said anything was important to him, I wouldn't even think twice about not attending. Taking into account that we had the day/weekend planned and he's since changed his mind and refused to acknowledge that we even discussed it.

I've already posted the conversation as it happened, if people wish to second guess that then so be it, but in that case you're reading into it something that didn't happen. He might have had a hard day, he might have been stressed out about something, he might have been tired, there could be a myriad of reasons he spoke like that. But it's happened one too many times for me to feel ok about it, whatever his reason. If it sheds any more light on how easily annoyed he can be, a few months ago he injured himself in a rage, and was out of work for a few weeks. Nothing to do with me I wasn't even there. The person who "caused" it, best friends again the next day, so it couldn't have been anything that serious. I don't know because I was told to mind my own business when I asked.

@ youneedtogrowup; "She needs to realise the whole world does not revolve around her" would you say the same about your own kids? If your child was upset about something important to them, you'd tell them that the world doesn't revolve around them?

And; "I would NEVER be such a killjoy as to force my husband" imagine you have a weekend planned with your husband, he makes other plans, denies all knowledge of the first plan then gets aggressive when you mention that that particular weekend is already taken up with something. You'd be ok with this?

I think that if he had said it in a reasonable way, I wouldn't have been so annoyed about it. But as it stood, when I posted, I was very upset at being shouted at, confused and angry, so him not going seemed like a huge deal when in fact I think it was how he had behaved that threw me.

This thread can be closed now.

LegacyUser

OP, I think you're right to be worried about your husband and his aggressive outbursts.

Maybe write down the specific incidents that have bothered you, what happened and how it made you feel. Then give it to him to ask him to read it somewhere on his own. Hopefully you can both sort it out, and maybe use counselling to help.

You're not married long, and the first year can be tough while you sort out expectations. But these outbursts don't sound good for a happy relationship. Don't get pregnant until you're sure things will be ok.

carlybabe1

Esel wrote: »

The main issue here is not the confirmation - it's the way he reacted during the conversation. Only married a year - flashing red lights! Sorry to be so blunt.

+1 couldnt agree more. Sorry OP but I would be starting to wonder if it was actually a festival he was going to at all, or is he off somewhere else that he shouldnt be. His reaction was WAYYY over the top in my opinion, and screams guilt to me. Maybe Im just cynical... sorry OP i would definitely be suspicious

Silverfish

confo op here wrote: »

threw me.

This thread can be closed now.

Sorry OP, thread closed now.

You can pm one of the mods if you want it re-opened.

Good luck.