Total disregard for my own feelings.

LegacyUser

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I think I just need the catharsis of it. So basically, I'm a doormat. What's made me come to this conclusion is something I received from someone I had thought was my friend. Here's the backstory. I'm a 30 year old guy. She's a 29 year old girl. We've known each other for a few years. She recently (about 3 or 4 months ago) got out of a relationship. About a month ago, while on a night out, she told me she liked me. I was very aware of her situation, and that the relationship she'd come out of was very hurtful for her, so I treated the situation very carefully. I didn't want to hurt her further. We ended up kissing and I thought after that, that'd be the end of it. But then she started somewhat persuing me. We talked and hung out. She asked me out. She asked me if we could hang out in my place and watch a movie. If I'd cook for her. We'd treat it as a first date. I said sure. And an hour before she was due to come over, she backed out. She said she wasn't ready. I said it was no problem. As far as I was concerned, we'd do everything at her pace.

We continued to talk regularly. She'd tell me about how she was feeling and I'd talk her through it. We'd also talk about things we both like and fun stuff too. It wasn't all a case of her venting. She made me laugh and had some really great stuff to say. All things aside, we do have a lot in common. And then, she suggested we go on a date again. Something more casual. Not in my place or hers, so less pressure. Again, I said cool. And again, she reneged closer to the time. She asked me if we could still be friends and maybe something would happen further down the line. I said of course. At this point, my other friends were kind of warning me about the situation. Don't get too involved, they said. I was going to end up hurt. But I thought I knew better. I didn't want to cut contact with this girl because I felt that another kick, while she was down, might hurt her more. I didn't want to do that.

I'd had my heart broken in a relationship, years ago. I know how she feels right now. And for that reason, I really wanted to help her through this period. I felt so bad for what she's going through, that I really just wanted to be here for her. If something developed from it, great. But primarily, i just wanted to be here if she needed a friend. The sounds so stupid right now, considering that she told me what she did today. She told me she wanted to drag me into her situation because I showed her interest. That she really has no regard for my feelings and is entirely selfish when it comes to me.
It was a bit of a blow, really. She had told me she liked me in the past and that she'd like something to happen in the future. She said she really appreciated how nice I was treating her and that she really appreciated that I was listening to her when she needed it. And I, stupidly, believed it. Probably because I've known her for a while and from what I knew of her, she's a really cool person. This whole mess just seems unlike what I knew.

And here's the incredibly stupid thing. I know I'll still be her friend. I know, I should probably tell her to **** off, considering what she said. But I won't. I'm be too afraid that it'd upset her and make her feel worse than she already is. I'll take what she said because I'm a doormat. And I've a history of this behavior. I broke off a really destructive relationship 3 years ago. The girl was heartbroken and her behavior was really out of line. She told lies about me, and gave me abuse. And yet I treated her delicately because I felt I had put her in that position and she was just venting. It was only when she verbally abused a friend about me that I finally told her to take a hike and not to contact me again. Months after we broke up.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant I put myself first for once and stand up for myself? I mean, professionally, I'm very assertive and take no crap. If somebody I didn't know was to confront me, I'd totally stand up for myself. And yet, when it comes to things like this situation I'm in, I'm a fool. I'm not arrogant in any way at all. I've been told many times that I'm "such a nice guy." Funny, kind, etc. I've a load of friends, and even acquaintences speak very highly of me. It's very flattering. Hell, even this girl's friends said I was a great choice. And to be honest, I like that about myself. I like who I am. I've been through a lot of **** in my past, and I've overcome it and am a better person for it. So I like who I am. But for this one thing.

I dunno. I don't have amazing success with girls. I'm more the long-game player than somebody who goes out and scores regularly. So naturally, my relationships with women tend to be more dispersed. I don't mind that, as I'm not out to just screw anyone. So maybe I'm just desperate for the female attention that this girl gave me, and I'm willing to put up with this shit. I don't think that's it, but maybe I'm blind to it.

I dunno what else to say. I feel really stupid. Really hurt.I've talked to a few friends about the situation and they've said they're really worried about me getting hurt. And I know they're right when they tell me to be very, very careful of this. But I really don't want to bother them with this again. They have their own things right now. Jesus, I even feel slightly embarrassed at typing this out! WTF?! So help me, internets, you're my only hope!

Thanks a million for reading. If you made it this far, you're some sort of hero!

IrishEyes19

Total_doormat wrote: »

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I think I just need the catharsis of it. So basically, I'm a doormat. What's made me come to this conclusion is something I received from someone I had thought was my friend. Here's the backstory. I'm a 30 year old guy. She's a 29 year old girl. We've known each other for a few years. She recently (about 3 or 4 months ago) got out of a relationship. About a month ago, while on a night out, she told me she liked me. I was very aware of her situation, and that the relationship she'd come out of was very hurtful for her, so I treated the situation very carefully. I didn't want to hurt her further. We ended up kissing and I thought after that, that'd be the end of it. But then she started somewhat persuing me. We talked and hung out. She asked me out. She asked me if we could hang out in my place and watch a movie. If I'd cook for her. We'd treat it as a first date. I said sure. And an hour before she was due to come over, she backed out. She said she wasn't ready. I said it was no problem. As far as I was concerned, we'd do everything at her pace.

We continued to talk regularly. She'd tell me about how she was feeling and I'd talk her through it. We'd also talk about things we both like and fun stuff too. It wasn't all a case of her venting. She made me laugh and had some really great stuff to say. All things aside, we do have a lot in common. And then, she suggested we go on a date again. Something more casual. Not in my place or hers, so less pressure. Again, I said cool. And again, she reneged closer to the time. She asked me if we could still be friends and maybe something would happen further down the line. I said of course. At this point, my other friends were kind of warning me about the situation. Don't get too involved, they said. I was going to end up hurt. But I thought I knew better. I didn't want to cut contact with this girl because I felt that another kick, while she was down, might hurt her more. I didn't want to do that.

I'd had my heart broken in a relationship, years ago. I know how she feels right now. And for that reason, I really wanted to help her through this period. I felt so bad for what she's going through, that I really just wanted to be here for her. If something developed from it, great. But primarily, i just wanted to be here if she needed a friend. The sounds so stupid right now, considering that she told me what she did today. She told me she wanted to drag me into her situation because I showed her interest. That she really has no regard for my feelings and is entirely selfish when it comes to me.
It was a bit of a blow, really. She had told me she liked me in the past and that she'd like something to happen in the future. She said she really appreciated how nice I was treating her and that she really appreciated that I was listening to her when she needed it. And I, stupidly, believed it. Probably because I've known her for a while and from what I knew of her, she's a really cool person. This whole mess just seems unlike what I knew.

And here's the incredibly stupid thing. I know I'll still be her friend. I know, I should probably tell her to **** off, considering what she said. But I won't. I'm be too afraid that it'd upset her and make her feel worse than she already is. I'll take what she said because I'm a doormat. And I've a history of this behavior. I broke off a really destructive relationship 3 years ago. The girl was heartbroken and her behavior was really out of line. She told lies about me, and gave me abuse. And yet I treated her delicately because I felt I had put her in that position and she was just venting. It was only when she verbally abused a friend about me that I finally told her to take a hike and not to contact me again. Months after we broke up.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant I put myself first for once and stand up for myself? I mean, professionally, I'm very assertive and take no crap. If somebody I didn't know was to confront me, I'd totally stand up for myself. And yet, when it comes to things like this situation I'm in, I'm a fool. I'm not arrogant in any way at all. I've been told many times that I'm "such a nice guy." Funny, kind, etc. I've a load of friends, and even acquaintences speak very highly of me. It's very flattering. Hell, even this girl's friends said I was a great choice. And to be honest, I like that about myself. I like who I am. I've been through a lot of **** in my past, and I've overcome it and am a better person for it. So I like who I am. But for this one thing.

I dunno. I don't have amazing success with girls. I'm more the long-game player than somebody who goes out and scores regularly. So naturally, my relationships with women tend to be more dispersed. I don't mind that, as I'm not out to just screw anyone. So maybe I'm just desperate for the female attention that this girl gave me, and I'm willing to put up with this shit. I don't think that's it, but maybe I'm blind to it.

I dunno what else to say. I feel really stupid. Really hurt.I've talked to a few friends about the situation and they've said they're really worried about me getting hurt. And I know they're right when they tell me to be very, very careful of this. But I really don't want to bother them with this again. They have their own things right now. Jesus, I even feel slightly embarrassed at typing this out! WTF?! So help me, internets, you're my only hope!

Thanks a million for reading. If you made it this far, you're some sort of hero!

Hi, OP. First of all, I get where you are coming from on the "not hurting her" part, but to be honest, someone is getting hurt, and its yourself. This woman despite her hang-up's with her last relationship is just venting on you, because she is arguably mourning the loss of her relationship. I think you deserve much better than to be fooled around like this, especially when its so blatantly open that she is.

I know you dont want to hurt her. But Ive had friends like this too, who when they break up with partners are so lost and hurt, they need a shoulder to cry on and of course its natural to be there for them. However sometimes they take advantage and you become the emotional pedestal for them. Which isnt good either. No-one wants constant negativity 24/7

I think you should break contact here for a while at least. Your friends are right and they only want whats best for you. This cycle will continue otherwise and she'l continue to emotionally drain you. Best of luck

MadameCholet

I don't think you are a doormat. You made a decision to take things at her pace because she'd been hurt, and Now YOU'RE hurt. But you didn't willingly offer yourself up and behave in a way that was almost inviting a lack of respect. I hope you can see that.

If you don't want to be friends with her then that's your prerogative entirely. I've had men say to me over the years that they don't need another friend thank you. I do get it, as I stupidly was 'friends' with a man I was crazy about in my 20s and it was just prolonging a form of torture. And being somebody's 'counsellor' is a draining experience. We'd all hope that we could support a partner or family member through something painful, but to be really frank, you're not obliged to exhaust yourself counselling (listening) to a woman who is just a friend, if that.

You sound like a nice guy who treats women well. That is not being a door mat.

beks101

She sounds like a bit of an emotional vampire to be honest, dragging you into her life and confiding in you knowing full well how you feel about her, leading you on and then letting you down, repeatedly.

Fair enough, she's vulnerable and insecure and broken hearted, but she really should know better. And now that she has finally come clean with you and told you exactly what she was doing, it's time for you to know better too. She's basically told you that what she was doing was selfish and for her own self-interest, purely to make her feel better about herself, and while you should appreciate the confession, you should also take it for what it is. It's an admission of guilt, rather than another promise that something could happen with you two. It's a reason to extract yourself from the situation, NOT a reason to cling further in the hope that you have a future together. If you distance yourself now, you might have some chance at salvaging the friendship. Hold onto hope and continue as the 'shoulder to cry on' and it will become more destructive for you.

And she may be your friend, but it's certainly not your responsibility or your place to take care of her and see her through her heart-ache. In fact, given your emotional involvement, you should be the last person to be doing this. As admirable as that is from you, it's a misplaced kindness and maybe one that you need to examine a little further - why did you feel the need to step in and be the hero here, what were you benefiting from the whole situation? Was it a bit of female attention that sucked you in, or flattery or her sexual attractiveness or her attention making you feel important, desirable?

I think you know you need to take a step back for a while. It's not a healthy relationship for you right now. She's 29 years old, as indispensable as she probably made you feel, she's well able to take care of herself. It's taking care of yourself and your own feelings and needs that should be your priority right now.

LegacyUser

OP, on reading the first paragraph of your post I did think you were being kind of doormat-y; she invited herself over to your place so you could cook for her? That seems quite pushy to be honest.

But in the part of your post I quoted below, it seems like an apology to me.

Total_doormat wrote: »

she told me what she did today. She told me she wanted to drag me into her situation because I showed her interest. That she really has no regard for my feelings and is entirely selfish when it comes to me.
It was a bit of a blow, really. She had told me she liked me in the past and that she'd like something to happen in the future. She said she really appreciated how nice I was treating her and that she really appreciated that I was listening to her when she needed it. And I, stupidly, believed it. Probably because I've known her for a while and from what I knew of her, she's a really cool person. This whole mess just seems unlike what I knew.

Is that the way it came across to you? If she was apologetic, you could still eventually be friends with her. I would still, take a breather for a while. Don’t be the one she calls up all the time.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

maybe one that you need to examine a little further - why did you feel the need to step in and be the hero here, what were you benefiting from the whole situation? Was it a bit of female attention that sucked you in, or flattery or her sexual attractiveness or her attention making you feel important, desirable?

This is a very good point. It may have been a combination of all these aspects that made me get so involved. Not just these things by themselves, but they may have played a very big part. Like I said, we were friends before. So I always did like. Sure, I was attracted to her too, but that was never really a thing. She had her relationship and I didn't see her as a potential. Maybe since she started confiding in me, I started seeing our friendship as something more. Misguided as that was.

I guess I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning after what she said. It was like the final kick in the balls after a few weeks of ups and downs. I still feel a bit embarrassed about the whole thing. That I let myself get sucked into the situation despite, if I'm completely honest, knowing in the back of my mind it was a bad idea. But screw embarrassment, it's all a learning experience. I'll take on what everyone has said. The basic message is the same. Gonna have to withdraw from how involved I am in this 'relationship.' I really appreciate all your points of view.