Really unhappy

LegacyUser

Ok so I don't really know where to start, not even sure what I'm looking for here, more a need to vent than anything else I think.

I'm going through a bit of a tough time at the moment, kind of bored with life and generally not happy. And I've realised that I actually have no one to talk to about it...

I have a great Boyfriend but have realised that I can't actually talk to him about my problems or how I'm feeling about things, I don't know whether it's because I feel I can't or because I'm not one for openly sharing how I feel about things.. I never have been, I've always been the type who pushes everything under the carpet and gets on with it and I knew that one day it'd all become too much and I'm pretty sure that's what's happening now.. I had quite a bad child hood, won't go into the details, but it was pretty bad, I have a lot of resentment towards my Father, who eventually left us, and my Mother, who probably shouldn’t have had us in the first place.. the thing is, none of this affected me before as I used to just get on with it, but the past few months, I've been remembering everything from when I was younger and it's really taking its toll on me. I don't know how to deal with it because as I've said, I've never been one to speak about my feelings or deal with my problems. Both my sisters have been to counselling and they would be a lot more open about how they feel.

The thing that's getting me at the moment though is, I've always been the type of friend who people come to with advice, always willing to help and always there when I was needed.

Lately though, I haven't been there as much for my friends because of my own personal issues and I'm getting crap from them because of it, they think it's because I'm too busy with my boyfriend, which isn't the case at all and I'm just getting sick of their selfish attitudes and them contacting me when they need something and sick of having to put on the happy face around them so I just don't bother.

Now that I need someone I feel like there's no one I can turn to.. Nobody knows what's happening in my world and I'm pretty sure no one cares. You'd just have to have a conversation with me these days to know something wasn't right; I've always been the smile plastered onto my face type who messes and jokes about everything and is always up for a laugh. Nowadays I just don't care.

As I said, I've a great boyfriend who I love and I'm happy with and we've talked about marriage and children and are planning on buying a house soon. but due to circumstances of my childhood I'm terrified that I'll end up like my mother and that I'll end up being hurt big time by him and that it'll all go horribly wrong and I can seriously feel that holding me back and am pretty sure it's going to ruin what I have.

I have a job and am secure financially so that's not a worry I have - I'm very grateful to be in this position of course.

I just feel so fed up at the moment and have a lot of anger about everything and sometimes I just feel like, what's the point.

I've thought about counselling myself but to be honest I don't know what good that's going to do and I don't really want to drag anymore of the past up than I already have.

I know there are people with much bigger problems than me and I don't want to sound self pitying or anything I just felt I needed to write this down and get it out, if that makes any sense.

I know I should be happy with what I have but I'm finding it really difficult at the moment and am angry that I'm letting my past ruin my present and possibly my future.

This is the first time I've actually gotten all this out or spoke about any of it so apologies if it's a bit all over the place.

Any thoughts/advice welcome. Thanks for reading.

FeelingBlue

FeelingBlue wrote: »

I've thought about counselling myself but to be honest I don't know what good that's going to do and I don't really want to drag anymore of the past up than I already have.

I know it seems like a waste and you can't imagine what it'll do, but it does help.
Go to a few sessions and you will see.
It sounds like your friends are not supportive OR you are just hiding things very well from them: if you cannot open up to them, maybe you can with a stranger who is trained to listen.

ennis81

Councelling did me the world of good, in fact I went there thinking I had a problem with a particular issue and then realised why I felt so bad was due to something completely different, I was sceptical about councelling too but it really helped me and made me think about and accept things in a completely different way.
Give it a go hun, you have nothing to lose