Friends dont bother with me anymore :(

sashafierce · 15-05-2011 8:19pm #1

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Firetrap · 15-05-2011 8:44pm

Sometimes friendships run their course and this could well be one of them. It can be traumatic for people to realise that the person/people they were best buddies with all the way up through school now have no particular interest in continuing to be friends. You probably knew in your heart and soul before this that the friendships were fizzling out but it's this slap in the face that hurts. The one thing that you should remember is that you can't make people like you. Coercing them into it isn't going to help matters either. Basically, you should draw a line under this and stop chasing them.

You've said you have other close friends. That puts you in a better place than some people who have posted here - people who have realised that if they lose these "friends", that they have nobody. You're understandably upset at the moment because you've been more or less dumped but you need to stop stressing yourself out over how your other friends will behave. It is unlikely that all your friends are going to drop you. Unless - and be careful about this - you start coming over all needy or go on and on like a broken record about these girls.

sashafierce · 15-05-2011 8:53pm

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IrishEyes19 · 15-05-2011 9:34pm

Hi, OP, just read over the post you just wrote here and see you're actually not losing out on anything. I thought before reading this, that these were your only friends and that you were lonely. But from what I read, you have close friends who obviously know you well enough to suggest you drop them, most fake friends wouldnt care what you did if they didnt care about you, and second you have a bf who you obviously adore. You have lot going for you, more than often other people in the world who are very alone. So cheer up and relish that. Drop these girls and get on with your life. Friendships change all the time and people fade in and out of each others lives. It's the people who stay that count, not the ones who leave, and you're not alone. So chin up and smile.

sashafierce · 15-05-2011 9:37pm

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Fentdog84 · 15-05-2011 9:58pm

In my experience, sometimes, the more you run after friends, the more they run away from you, so my advice is not to contact them. Not to ask them what they are doing or where they are going. maybe one of them will get back in touch at some stage. But let her suggest going out or whatever. Hard to say whats up with them, if anything at all might just be some notion in their heads..you shouldnt care too much. As you said you got other friends to hang out with anyway..

Firetrap · 15-05-2011 10:22pm

I don't know what age you are but I'm guessing you're still pretty young. Late teens/early twenties at a guess. I now know, looking back, that people can change a lot around this time. You can find that you've got nothing in common with some of your old friends or that some of them have moved on to pastures new and aren't all that keen on maintaining a close friendship any more.

You might be a bit over-sensitive here when you talk about them not liking you and bad-mouthing you. If they are, they are bitches and are not worthy of your friendship anyway. I doubt they actively dislike you - it's more likely that you've changed, they've changed and they feel more lukewarm about the situation than you do. It is unlikely that you have done anything wrong at all.

IrishEyes19 · 15-05-2011 10:58pm

I used to be the same when I was in secondary school nervous that if I put a foot wrong, or didnt agree with people, it would turn them against me, or that I wouldnt be cool. I learnt very quickly though that you have to be yourself in all situations, regardless of how you feel you SHOULD be, because eventually you'll regret hiding the real you away.

Best advice I ever got from someone was, that there will always be some people who dont like you and these people will flit in and out of your life, changing their minds, there'll be some who are indifferent, but theres always going to be people who love you, and that love will always be consistent. ie family, friends, boyfriends, patners ect. Point is, you obviously aren't a horrible person, but self doubt and fear can make you feel like, agreeing and trying to please people is the only way to keep them. and the truth is people like that will walk away anyway.

Theres also nothing wrong with you, OP, and it won't turn anyone against you. And don't let anything let you think that. People can be cruel. Not generalising, but teenage/early twenty years, it's a tough time for sure. Only 20 myself and its all about trying to get on your feet financially, academically, while balancing a normal social life. Don't let these girls throw you off whatever other plans you have going on right now. And dont waste any more tears on them.

I know you were friends with them for a long time, but life changes anyway and if you are geniunely happy with your other friends and life now, let them away to do their own thing. You dont owe them anything, if these girls choose to be that rude and disrepectful towards you, let them off. Don't take it personally, I know it hurts terribly.
But you can move on now and if you meet them in the street, just nod politely and be on your way. I wouldnt give such people a second thought anymore. I suggest you do the same. Best of luck to you

AdmiralRazor · 15-05-2011 11:50pm

It sounds like your life and theirs diverged a long time ago.

It's a natural and necessary process in evolution; we outgrow the things we no longer need in order to better ourselves.

Please don't let this destroy your confidence in your own capability to make and keep friends. Or worse, make you bitter.

sashafierce · 16-05-2011 9:31pm

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dellas1979 · 16-05-2011 9:51pm

You should look up existentialism.

It really does make sense for a case such as yours. At the moment you are "Etre pour autri", or "living for others", when you should only really be living for yourself.

No, I dont think you should confront them, because in situations like this you will never win. You need to buck up on your selfconfidence and ask yourself "do I really care what they think of me?" because its not them who is putting all this pressure on you, its yourself. You even fight with your partner over these people who have no interest in you. And you beat yourself up because they make you feel bad. Its not them making you feel bad girl, its yourself.

In all essence, what is the worst thing that could happen if they never spoke to you again? Are you going to melt into a puddle or something?

One of the harder things to learn and accept in life is that you are not going to get on with everyone, and not everyone is going to want to be your friend all the time. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you. Its called life. The best thing to do is be the best that you can, for yourself. Not for anyone else.

MadameCholet · 17-05-2011 8:44am

This happens several times in your lifetime. After school, university, jobs.... sometimes you will be the one who is thinking 'oh I just don't enjoy Sally's company anymore, I'm not sure why but I don't'. And you will be the one trying to figure out how to redefine the friendship.

I'd say that this is an ongoing thing for most people throughout their lives. Every time you leave a job, you move house, suddenly everything's up in the air and you have to wait and see where it lands.

It doesn't always hurt and it won't always be YOU that is the one figuring out why the friendship doesn't feel the same any more. Just because you're not best best friends with these girls anymore doesn't mean that you can't still be friendly and catch up every now and then.

I would be pro-active. Ring them, invite them to something specific. Or agree on a date. Let them know that you have 'deduced' that the friendship has been redefined slightly but that you're cool with it. Even if you're not.

sashafierce · 17-05-2011 2:41pm

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MadameCholet · 17-05-2011 3:12pm

AW... That is sad. But it leaves the way open for you to meet new people who are more like you. And you will. EVEN if it doesn't happen in the next 48 hours!

This might be an awkward question, but would you say hand on heart that you feel like they are 'your type' of people? When you were all at school you had people you all knew and exams and so on to chat about. But now, your lives have diverged a bit. Are these girls your type of people? Or are they less serious? or more silly? More adventurous? (wrt drugs, drink, sex, clothes!) Or are they less career-focused than you are? Do you make them uncomfortable in some way perhaps? Even if you are comfortable around them there might be a reason why they no longer feel comfortable around you. Some times you figure these things out and sometimes you don't. But a few years on you just shrug over it.

The number of times over the years (am forty) that I've been as thick as thieves with somebody from work or a flat mate or a neighbour even, and then you move away and then you realise that actually the bulk of what you were talking about was every day stuff.

sashafierce · 17-05-2011 4:21pm

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IrishEyes19 · 17-05-2011 7:43pm

Money doesnt buy love, OP. One of the oldest phrases in the book but true. Forget these girls, dont spend all your time worrying over them and get on with your life. Imagine how your true friends must feel if you concentrate solely on these people who havent shown you any respect. Move on now and be happy with what you have.

MadameCholet · 17-05-2011 8:20pm

I'd say you're getting to the bottom of it! which helps UP to a point. It hurts less but it doesn't change things. Makes it a bit less personal though.

I'd say the pregnant one might be thinking that you might be thinking 'oh I'm glad I'm not pregnant' which tbh would be the normal response in my opinion ! but from HER shoes maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of the alternative future she is now NOT giong to have.

And like you say, the others might not be able to get used to your newfound confidence, especially if its a type of confidence that makes you happy to be your own person and totally different from them.

I was friends with a girl from down the road and the whole way through school she was 'the prettier one' not by very much in my opinion! but when we were both in London and she put on weight and I kind of found my style, she said some mean things on occasion even though we were 'friends'.

sashafierce · 17-05-2011 8:33pm

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sashafierce · 17-05-2011 8:37pm

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dellas1979 · 17-05-2011 8:43pm

Oh woeful me.
Did you not melt into that puddle yet?
There are bitchy girls EVERYWHERE. What are you going to do? Run around worrying why they dont like you too? You are going to have a very hard life if you are so worried, in a weird way, about people who obviously dont give a rats about you.
You actually are coming across as a bit obsessive about this. Are you going to MAKE them like you? Is that your plan?

sashafierce · 17-05-2011 8:46pm

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dellas1979 · 17-05-2011 8:55pm

No - its natural to hurt. You'll get over that. Believe me, just about everyone who reads this thread will know how hurtful it can be to be excluded from something, and not understand why.

What worries me is that you seem to be obsessing over this - questioning yourself-what a nice person you are. Fighting with your partner etc.

What do you want from them? An explanation? An apology? Respect?

You havent copped yet that you'll never get these from them. The penny hasnt dropped yet for you that you'll never get what you want from them.

You should not contact these people. You should see it as opportunity to move on and meet new people.

You have this weird attachment to them (or maybe indeed in other aspects of your life), in that if they treat you mean, you seem to want more to prove that, "yes I am a nice person", but in fact you are doing nothing for yourself at all. You might as well get a bat and paint on your head "hit me".

sashafierce · 17-05-2011 10:09pm

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EricPraline · 17-05-2011 10:26pm

Perhaps there's some completely plausible reason that explains it. But more likely you have simply drifted apart from each other. It's not at all unusual. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? Are they the same people?

Either way it doesn't really matter. Trying to "set them straight" won't force them to be your friends and it won't make your life any better. Chalk it down to experience and focus on the people who actually care about you.

sashafierce · 17-05-2011 10:32pm

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Firetrap · 17-05-2011 11:40pm

Read and read again what people have written here. I know I am going to sound like a complete cow here but you are being a drama queen about what has happened. People change over time, friends come and go and that's the nature of life. You need to get over this and stop being so needy and self-pitying. They sound like they stopped being your friends a while ago and you need to take the hint and back off.

There is a great line in Madame Cholet's post earlier which I'm going to paste in here

That, in a nutshell, is what happens a lot in real life. Most adults, when they're not so keen on someone any more, simply phase that person out of their lives. There's no great fuss made - they just cool off on the calling/texting/visiting until it dies out. Simple as. There's nothing personal as such.

sashafierce · 18-05-2011 3:13pm

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IrishEyes19 · 18-05-2011 3:18pm

and I didnt mean that either, OP, I meant you dont need to make them jealous, dont you see that. In fact, wouldnt it feel worse if they felt bad if you had something they wanted. I just dont see any justification in this. Forget them, move on.

sashafierce · 18-05-2011 3:23pm

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dellas1979 · 18-05-2011 6:54pm

They dont have you wondering, YOU have yourself wondering!
Their actions speak louder than words, but you keep going back for more.

Bet you are all delighted now one of them ran after you, yet in a few days time youll be back on here still wondering "why dont they like mee".

Why are you so intent to find out? You know if you liked yourself, or was secure in yourself, you wouldnt care. But you are young, Ill give you that, so maybe you are not wising up to whats going on.

sashafierce · 18-05-2011 8:44pm

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Firetrap · 18-05-2011 11:31pm

I think you got more or less the same advice from people regarding your initial query. Yes, sometimes people who you were friends with in the past can for all sorts of reasons go cool on you. It's a part of life.

The thing is, the stuff you have posted in regard to how you are dealing with it is more full-on than what most of us experience. You are taking it way too much to heart. You're crying about it. You've mentioned losing your appetite and taking it out on your boyfriend. You're going on about losing your other friends and doubting yourself as a person. Not to mention your desire to gain revenge of some sort for their behaviour so that they'll know that they've sleighted you. Hmm. As others have asked, why are you obsessing over these girls? Why are you wanting them to come out and tell you straight that they don't like you? Life ain't like that. Adults don't come along and say "I don't like you anymore. P!ss off". It's what they don't say and don't do that is the answer.

sashafierce · 18-05-2011 11:37pm

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Firetrap · 19-05-2011 12:00am

People sometimes say things like that and don't mean them. In the case of these people, they are saying it out of politeness but are not following through. A good rule of thumb in life is to watch what for a person does, rather than what they say. People can talk an awful lot of rubbish - it's very easy to spout.

You can't make people like you. You can't make them include you if they don't want to. If you accept that you do not have control over this situation, that they're telling you porkie pies and that you've other friends to hang out with anyway, it will be a good start.

solovely · 19-05-2011 8:38am

I'm the exact same as you with regards to friendships Sashafierce, and I'm 7 years older and I still don't take it well. I've been more upset over losing friendships over the years than I have been about breaking up with boyfriends I lived with.

It is tough, and hard not to take personally and doubt yourself...maybe people like us are strange or more sensitive than most of the posters here who seem to be able to take this kind of rejection in their stride.

But what you describe here has happened to me a few times (and I fear might be happening again with my once closest friend and it's killing me), and it doesn't get any easier. But my way of dealing with it, has been to surround myself with other friends. Keep busy, keep arranging stuff with the new friends, fun stuff, not quite stuff to make the others jealous, but stuff that will make yourself feel busy and wanted. By all means, if you do feel it will help you get closure have a chat with the other girls. In my experience confrontation definitely doesn't work (especially where drink is concerned!!) as you just end up sounding paranoid and needy. Instead, have a quiet chat with one of the girls, maybe the girl you had the facebook chat with, as she seems to be trying to include you. Just say you've been feeling a bit left out of things lately (you could use the other girl's pregnancy as an example) and say you miss them, and would love to catch up. However, leave it at that, you don't want them to be your friend out of sympathy, worrying that they are going to upset you. That ends up being fake!!

The hardest thing about this really is that these are your friends from school, so they are always going to be in your life, you will always see them and always feel the pain. So you do have to deal with this. For me, it's been easier in that a lot of the friends I "drifted" from were college friends. Still, I did have a period of drifting from the home friends (I lived in Dublin, they lived at home) in my early 20s, but now 2 of them are back my very closest friends and we talk almost every day. The fact that they were from home meant they could never really be full out of my life, so things do change....

Although from your post, it does sound like these new friends are much more your kinda people, so if I were you I'd focus on having fun with them!

sashafierce · 19-05-2011 9:10am

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Fea. · 26-05-2011 2:22pm

You know, its very obvious from reading your comments OP that you are a very sensitive person and any person should be glad to have you as their friend. Your heart is soft, probably too soft but that is you and don't ever change for anyone.

Surround yourself and fill your spare time with the friends who are there for you, you will soon find yourself thinking happier thoughts. xxx

sashafierce · 26-05-2011 2:24pm

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lollipoplady · 26-05-2011 11:00pm

I know exactly how you feel. Its like a boyfriend breaking up with you and you have no idea why. But like other people have said relationships break up and people grow apart. I know I way over analysed why my best friend in the world suddenly just went cold on me and i spent time "mourning" that relationship. There certainly isnt anything wrong with being sensitive but just dont be so hard on yourself. Hope things pick up soon xx

LC2010HIS · 27-05-2011 12:01am

I know exactly how your feeling. Could of wrote this myself a few months back.

The bottom line is, if they want you, they will seek you out. Call to your door. Thats what I learnt.

Dont pay too much attention to what people say or do and dont say and dont do.

Do your own thing for a while. Stay off FB (im trying myself)!

And i know its cliche when people say this BUT - set goals, take up a hobby?

If this is bitchy carry on, and theyre being immature, the problem is with them. NOT YOU. Do not chase them.

You can do better. The fact you are perceptive doesnt mean your over sensitive.

You are going to be fine.Focus on yourself.

Why should you blame yourself? You didnt do anything wrong. So dont doubt yourself for a minute. Its when you start doubting yourself, the trouble starts. In you.

My broken friendship is STILL causing me grief but it took alot of work from my mom, me and even people here to make me realise i cant look to people to give myself value or confidence in myself.

LC2010HIS · 27-05-2011 12:13am

Yeah I was given all that before too.

But, I like who i am and how emotional and sensitive i am.

Ive spotted things in relationships and situations ; behaviour and rudeness, which people here, mam, friends have called paranoia -

Turns out, it paid off cause ive seen what some people are truly like.

I can also tell from you even posting here in the first place about friends, that your caring. And its nice. Id like a friend like you. Its rare to find geniune people.

However, Ive learnt nasty people like drawing reactions out of you. So dont show them when your upset etc... Im still practising a "pokerface"

G'luck!

Friends dont bother with me anymore :(

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