Almost 37, and always single.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'm not registered and have never posted on Boards before, so please be nice to me Advice would be appreciated, but I'm really just here to have a bit of a moan, as I'm feeling particularly down today.

So, as the title suggests, I'm about to turn 37 and I have never had a relationship in my life. Don't ask me how this happened. I don't have a clue. I did all the things my friends were doing during our teens/twenties to meet fellas, all of which seemed to work for them, but sadly not for me. I've joined clubs, done classes, and I meet plenty of people through work, but still no man has ever wanted to be more than just a friend to me. I have tried every approach to this - going out and actively flirting with guys, or just chilling out and being myself with them, and also that old chestnut - 'if you stop looking, that's when it'll happen.' Well, I've been waiting my whole life for it to just 'happen'. I was a virgin until I was 28 (lost it on a drunken one-night stand), and have never gotten further than first-name terms with someone. I have had sex VERY infrequently (again, occasional one-night stands), and if this is not TMI, I have never had an orgasm while being intimate. As you can imagine, quite apart from the emotional issues this gives me, it puts me (or I put myself!) under huge anxiety in social situations, where women quite normally discuss their relationships (current and past), telling anecdotes about their partners, even simple stuff as where they went on a weekend away, or just out to dinner. I just stay quiet, or subtly try to change the subject, as I have never been taken out for dinner, or on a weekend away. Sadly, I don't have a single 'boyfriend' anecdote to relate either. I cannot contribute to these conversations, and it breaks my heart, as I would love to be able to do so.

And no, I am not a lesbian, I am very much attracted to men. Sadly, I think my parents think that I am gay and just cannot tell them, as I have not only never brought a guy home, but never as much as mentioned someone's name to them or talked about going out on a date. The reason for this is obvious - there's never been anyone to mention or bring home! And I suppose I never had that sort of 'closeness' with my mother that I could confide how I'm feeling to her. The subject of me marrying/having kids etc is just never mentioned at home. When I go home to visit, the conversation is all very superficial and generic.

And for those who might say 'but you can do whatever you want, you don't have to answer to anyone, or compromise, you can fly off to India at the drop of a hat'...all true, but hey, after 36 years of doing stuff by myself, I would LOVE the opportunity to have someone else to consider, to do stuff with, to enjoy (for example) flying off to India with. It would be nice to just ONCE in my life to have someone send me a Valentine card, buy me a birthday present, or Christmas present, or plan a holiday with - even just give me a cuddle when I come home after work. When you have all the time and freedom in the world to do stuff, often you end up doing nothing, because there's no deadline, if that makes sense?? That is where I am at at the moment. I have been to the doctor, and am on anti-depressants (not for the first time) and until recently was seeing a psychologist for CBT, although she wasn't really telling me anything I didn't already know.

And just for the record - I don't think I'm physically repulsive!! It just appears that everyone else does.

Anyway, fire away. I know I sound self-pitying, but everyone's entitled to a rant at some stage, aren't they?

LegacyUser

Hey there, just had to reply when I saw this.

People can tell you all they like about how its great being single but in reality, its completely natural to wish for a significant other in your life. So dont beat yourself up about that.

A partner wont 'give' you happiness though. I think they can only contribute to it. Happiness and confidence must come from within. I was a 'late starter' too. Mostly due to self esteem issues, but Ive caught up over the years as I gained confidence.

I think its important to recognise that there must be something that you're not conscious of, which is blocking you from getting into something more long term. I cant even guess at what that might be.

I'm not sure anything I am saying is gonna help, but ((hug)).

Miss Fluff

Aw, your post makes for very sad reading OP. I can sense how unhappy you are with your lot and how lonely you feel. You're only 36 though and hopefully have a long and happy life ahead of you. If something is within your power to change (and I believe for the most part this is) then you need to be proactive and perhaps change your mindset a little. From what I can surmise you have given up hope entirely and that's an awful old predicament to find yourself in isn't it?

Just a couple of things that strike me. Do you have some very close friends that you can confide in? A good enough friend who can give you an honest no-holds-barred appraisal of who you are and how you come accross? I'm not for one second suggesting there is anything physically wrong with you but you could be walking around with awfully bad-breath or you may pick your nose in company out of habit without realising it and nobody has ever actually told you this. Just a thought and certainly something you should discuss/talk to a close friend about if you have someone like that in your life. There may be some impediment unbeknowst to you that is acting as some kind of barrier.

I find it odd that it would seem your social circle (your Mum included) have never discussed this with you? Have you pretended to people you don't care? Or have you become so adept at changing the subject that people know not to broach it with you? Do your friends know about this? Have they got single male friends that they could introduce you to? What I'm asking is, do people who know you well and love you know about how down you are and how important it is for you to meet that special someone?

Do you look after your appearance? Do you regularly have your hair/nails/waxing done? Are you interested in clothes and like to look nice? Do you invest money in looking good?

Also, have you thought about online dating or an introduction agency? There are some websites that I would steer well clear of as some of them are the sole domain of perverts/the deranged/those already in a relationship and in need of an ego boost. There are websites like www.parship.co.uk however who are for the more "mature" person looking for an actual relationship as opposed to a quick leg-over.

If I were you maybe take the next little while to work on that self-esteem. If you've a bit of weight on you then try and shift some. Maybe colour your hair or take up dancing. Spend the next couple of months solely on you and on pursuits you enjoy and when you've built up your confidence a little then go and actively start dating.

I don't believe there is one person out there for everyone. I think there are multitudes of people and it all depends on where you are in your life and what you are looking for. He is out there for you m'dear but maybe take your focus off that for now and perhaps enjoy the fun and possibilities that dating can offer. When you're happier in yourself you will be so much better positioned to making a right choice and meeting the right person.

Finally, hugs. Stay positive and it will happen. The worst thing you can do is give up hope x

LegacyUser

I took a few minutes out to take a look at boards today in work and when I read your post I almost dissolved into tears at my desk. I could have written that post word for word. Our stories are practically identical I've been feeling so so down lately and have this horrible, hollow feeling in my stomach that I'm always going to be on my own. I'm starting to cry as I type this because it is reminding me about just how lonely I am and how I wish I wasn't about to cook a meal that will last me for 2 days because there's nobody else to eat the other plate. How I'm not sure if I'll have a holiday this year because I've no single friends to go with any more. How I just so much want someone to hug me. I've given up hope of ever meeting someone and that isn't healthy.

I had some counselling (something I never thought I'd ever have to do) about something else earlier this year and in one of the sessions this was broached. The counselor made me feel better about myself and told me that there are always people out there looking for someone. I guess it gave me false hope for a while but I'm back to square one. I hate going to pubs, the interests I have don't really lend themselves to meeting other people and when I do meet people, I put up barriers.

As for what to do, I like Miss Fluff's post. I might take her up on some of that advice. Another thing the counselor said was not to view every man I speak to as a potential boyfriend. That could be something that might help the OP. Just chat to people but don't overdo the yapping - let them talk. Act interested and ask questions but not in a nosey way. After that, I don't know what to say but I hope you'll not be feeling the same way this time next year.

James400

probable_spinster wrote: »

and I meet plenty of people through work, but still no man has ever wanted to be more than just a friend to me

I find this part of your post quite interesting because a hell of a lot of people do actually meet their partners at work.

You state that you meet plenty of people at work so it's a start

Also when you say that guys just want to be a friend to you at work- do you really give a male colleague that you may like major indicators- that you actually like him?

You know- being really friendly, positive, vibrant, always smiling etc towards a male coleague you like most of the time when you encounter him during the day?

The reason i'm saying that is that if you appear really friendly and approachable to a male colleague, you will leave an impression on him over time- i.e she's really nice, approachable...wonder if she's single?

You may have to be patient because work relationships can be slow burners- that is both parties eventually realise that they have feeling for each other.

My opinion- go the work route with a male colleague you may fancy.

John400

James400 wrote: »

I find this part of your post quite interesting because a hell of a lot of people do actually meet their partners at work.

You state that you meet plenty of people at work so it's a start

Also when you say that guys just want to be a friend to you at work- do you really give a male colleague that you may like major indicators- that you actually like him?

You know- being really friendly, positive, vibrant, always smiling etc towards a male coleague you like most of the time when you encounter him during the day?

The reason i'm saying that is that if you appear really friendly and approachable to a male colleague, you will leave an impression on him over time- i.e she's really nice, approachable...wonder if she's single?

You may have to be patient because work relationships can be slow burners- that is both parties eventually realise that they have feeling for each other.

My opinion- go the work route with a male colleague you may fancy.

I agree.

Being at work cuts out the arkwardness of the pub scene etc, also you are encountering the person on a almost daily or weekly basis and you can have a quick chat/ laugh etc.

I'd agree with the above, if you appear really friendly and approachable to a male colleague over time, then you are only leaving a really positive impression of yourself in his mind.

I'd agree with looking your best- nice clothes, make-up, even perfume etc...always leaves a good impression on a male work colleague.

I agree a work relationship may take time, but you both will develop a great rapport with each other.

MadameCholet

I'm older than you and I agree with another poster that it's a good idea to admit that you'd like to be with somebody one day. That's not the same as being desperate. I would admit to my friends that I hope that one day I'll meet somebody who is right for me. NO shame in that. I've been with several people who were totally wrong for me.


I would focus on eating healthy and exercising rather than preening and grooming excessively. I mean, within reason yes, nice hair and flattering clothes, but you shouldn't have to wax your entire fanjolina just to get a boyfriend. It shouldn't be that hard. If that's what is necessary I'd throw the towel in.

Dublinstiofán

Personally id say try the following:

• Maybe try a dating site for a few months, see if there is any interest there.
• Ask some of your female friends to go out on the town with you and tell
  them your lonely and need help looking for a man and see if they will take
  you out with a view to trying to help you finding someone.
• Maybe you need to go on the offensive a bit more. Girls traditionally like men to
  come to them and do all the work. If you broke the mould and start initiating
  conversations with guys you like instead of waiting for them to come to you.
  Then you have a better chance of finding someone who you like and likes you
  quicker.

Good luck!

dellas1979

I dont know much, but I do know that now is not the time to give up!!!

You are 36 - you know what you want. You just need to find a way to get it. Youve actually solved half the problem in that you know what you want.

There is something there that is blocking fellas getting through to you. You may not even realise it. For example, it could be subconscious. It may be worth looking into if you think it might help. But in no way is now the time to give up.

If anything, this should push you into doing something.

James400

dellas1979 wrote: »

There is something there that is blocking fellas getting through to you. You may not even realise it. For example, it could be subconscious.

That's a good point.

As i was saying from a work perspective, if she likes someone at her job but doesn't converse with them or make any kind of an effort the guy is obviously going to think she's not interested in him or not even realise that she is!

If she's sending out negative signals it can be off-putting for guys to approach her.

If she's sending out positive happy vibes she will attract guys or at least leave an impression on them at work- he'll be thinking 'X is a lovely girl, wonder if she's single?'.

John400

That's the danger.

No dis-respect to the OP intended here but if she is sending out the wrong/negative signals then guys will think shes not interested which is unfortunate for the OP if she is genuinely interested in a guy.

Guys will assume she's not approachable or friendly which is unfortunate.

dellas1979

Yes - she may not even be aware of the problem (if there even is one!).

But the facts as youve put them suggests that there is.

Are you perhaps standardising men/have certain criteria they must have before you are interested?

There is something more going on here then you are willing to let out, and I think at 36 you should have some idea what it is.

You may be shutting men down, based on some issues that you may have. But I dont think you are aware that you are shutting them out/down. Now its come to a head and you are getting frustrated. Now is the time to explore if there is an issue, not give up!!!

LegacyUser

Dublinstiofán wrote: »

Maybe you need to go on the offensive a bit more. Girls traditionally like men to
come to them and do all the work. If you broke the mould and start initiating
conversations with guys you like instead of waiting for them to come to you.
Then you have a better chance of finding someone who you like and likes you
quicker.

I think this is good advice from dublinstiofan.

I can identify with the OP and spinster2. From the male side though. It can be a lonely time on your own. I give up the booze about 3 years ago and haven't been in a relationship since. I'm 34. I can't really see how i will ever be able to meet someone now. Since i stopped drinking i have completely lost confidence with women and my ability to flirt and respond to flirting has gone. I would love to be in a relationship too though.

I think there are alot of really nice, funny and attractive people out there single because the ability to flirt has just passed them by or they never quite grasped it.

LegacyUser

I was in your position,constantly longing for someone, tired of doing things by myself. And then I found someone. But this is where the story takes a direction you probably wont like. See when I met this person I realised how great being single was. All of a sudden I saw my life as it really was, that having freedom is this amazing gift. I felt tied down with this person, even though she wasnt overly demanding of my time. And the married friends I had envied for so long I now kind of felt sorry for, as I saw the complete picture of their lives, not just the postcard snapshots. It wasnt for me, so I ended the relationship and I now have a completely different take on my life. I realised that I didnt need a relationship to be happy, everything I needed was inside of me all along, the relationship didnt make any difference to how happy I was.
All Im saying is be careful what you wish for, that relationship you crave may not do what it says on the tin.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
In some ways I am very similar to you, I turned 37 in December of last year and until November I had been single my entire life...Now this was partly my own fault because in my early/mid 20s I had been involved with 3 separate guys who all asked me to 'go steady' but in each case I just wasnt ready (even though I was in love with one of them....and it killed me to lose him)....Any new man I met I kept my distance from and even thoigh I was looking for that special someone I was stopping short of actually getting into a relationship....however in November when I had definately given up...I met someone on a random night out....we exchanged numbers and it progressed along very easily....My family seem delighted for me....I am enjoying having him in my life but I am finding it hard to give up my independance completely. No one ever though I was a lesbian, just too hard to please and way too independent and they slagged me about it......so dont give up hope, or get depressed, someone is out there waiting for you, just relax and you will find them !!

LegacyUser

hi OP,

Again, your post describes my life exactly, except I'm 29!! I completely understand what your'e going through. you have been given great advice here

James400 wrote: »

That's a good point.

As i was saying from a work perspective, if she likes someone at her job but doesn't converse with them or make any kind of an effort the guy is obviously going to think she's not interested in him or not even realise that she is!

If she's sending out negative signals it can be off-putting for guys to approach her.

If she's sending out positive happy vibes she will attract guys or at least leave an impression on them at work- he'll be thinking 'X is a lovely girl, wonder if she's single?'.

I think this advice is especially good. I think it may be where you could be going wrong slightly. men can tell if a girl is 'looking' for a man, but they can also detect someone who is stand-off ish/unapproachable. the key I think is to strike a balance.

I've had therapy to deal with several of my own issues, it was really uselful, and since i've worked on self-esteem/self-confidence I have had more interest from men, albeit no relationships!!! I really really hope things fall into place for you soon. you sound lovely, but maybe there is something you might need to tweak, and just try your best to give out positive happy vibes, and relax as much as possible so men see a relaxed happy confident person when you're out and about.

Best of luck!!!!

James400

If the OP likes someone at work, the key is to be friendly...always say hello to the male colleague in question, be polite, converse with the guy even if it's only a short chat.

This all leads to the guy in question actually looking forward to meeting/running into the OP again because she is so friendly, positive, etc.

The male colleague in question would actually feel comfortable to stop and have a chat with her (even briefly) because she is friendly/approachable.

The OP has to lay positive foundations with guys, in that they're actually looking forward to meeting/running into her again.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to me.

Several people have mentioned the possibility of me putting up barriers, or giving off some sort of negative vibe. I truly don't think this is the reason, as I am friendly and personable - but unfortunately, (as a couple of you have also suggested), there is nobody at work at the moment who catches my interest to flirt with. If I am to be brutally honest though, on nights out, when guys actively chat up my friends and give me no more than a polite nod, it's hard to be bright and bubbly and all delighted for my friends (because women are supposed to be happy for their friends when they're chatted up, right???) - perhaps they pick up on this. But I really can't pretend any more. Also, when you are constantly passed over in favour of others, you have to be a robot for it not to hurt, and not to affect your self-esteem. I'll admit that while I can look in the mirror and I know I'm not ugly, I really don't feel attractive, as nobody has ever chosen me over another. Does that make sense??

All the women's mags will tell us that we shouldn't need the approval of men to feel attractive, it's all about being happy with ourselves and blah blah. While that's all very worthy, if you take it in practical terms - a confident woman dresses up, weekend after weekend, year after year, goes out with her friends, has a laugh, but eventually realises that it's her FRIENDS getting all the dates, and phone calls, and interest from men, and NOT her - honestly, even the most confident person would doubt herself and her ability to attract a potential mate. And no, I'm not really the type of person to ask my friends what I'm doing wrong - I guess due to my own lack of experience, it never really occured to me that that was something I should do - eventually, it just became the way things were.

Someone also mentioned that once they were finally in a relationship, they realised how great single life was - that may very well be true, but believe me, I'd love to find that out for myself - maybe then I could be happy about being single, as I would finally have seen life from the other side of the fence

It's also great to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. While I know there are worse things in life than being permanently single, for those of us who are unwillingly in this situation, it can be a very lonely place full of self-doubt and meals for one

LegacyUser

Is it possible that you're expecting guys to chat up your friends, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?

That was definitely the case with me. I was unknowingly taking the role of 'wing woman' and expected guys to be more interested in my friends than in me. Then my friends emigrated and I had to make my way on my own. I took up a sport at this time too (again, on my own) and I've never had so much interest from men in my life.

It was hard, and I had to be brave and I had no friends to lean on, but in the end, going it alone was really really good for me.

Just my experience, yours might be completely different of course

ongarboy

probable_spinster wrote: »

And no, I'm not really the type of person to ask my friends what I'm doing wrong - I guess due to my own lack of experience, it never really occured to me that that was something I should do - eventually, it just became the way things were.

I think consulting your friends who socialise with you is something you should reconsider. If you are saying weekend after weekend, year after year, you are constantly being overlooked while your friends score, then there must be something that is making guys choose your mates over you. It cannot just be an extended dry spell or constant bad luck.

You are perhaps giving off a vibe that you cannot notice (we are so subjective about ourselves and naturally can only see the world through our own eyes so will not notice things about ourselves that others can see). If there is one or two of your closer girlfriends that you can have a private word with sometime and ask them to be completely honest about why they think you may not be getting the guys/chatups/flirts etc, they might be able to give you some advice about things you would be unaware of. It may be something seemingly as insignificant as your facial expression, the way you hold your posture or other body language.

Guys will often choose a vivacious bubbly average looking girl who gives off a happy fun vibe over an aloof, sullen good looking girl.

BTW - you are allowed to make the first move and chat up guys too, you know! My female friend (age 36 and single for many years) chatted up a guy she fancied (and they are going 6 months now). Her new partner said it was the most flattering, ego boosting thing that ever happened to him as he was too shy to make a move on her as he just thought she wouldn't have been interested. Just goes to show...!

username123

Op - I feel for you.

Others have said this and I can only back it up - there is SOMETHING thats going on that you are not conscious of or dont realise.

Its time to get a good friend to get critical - ask them whats going on with the vibes you give off, or with your attitude or with how you look or come across.

Are you acerbic in company? Do you think youre being funny but really youre being annoying? Are you annoying? Do you make unpleasant faces at people or behave in a snooty/cold/disinterested/superior/rude manner to people who approach the group. Do you behave that way within your own group? Do you give off 'dont approach me' signals? How do you react to a random approach?
What is different about your body language compared to others around you?

On your one night stands - you were able to score, what was different? How did the lads in question approach you? How did it come about that you got into the INS situation.

I would be inclined to think its something in your vibe/attitude rather than how you look to be honest, Im not a super model but never had problems scoring - even in the company of friends who are way better looking or a much nicer figure than me.

I can only give you some info based on my own personal situation but I never had problems scoring in my 20s and I was always carrying a bit of weight - a bit squidgy. I became ill in my late 20s and it was stress related, due to a bad home situation. I got very thin, size 8. I could wear all these outfits that I could never wear when I was heavier (a size 16 at one point). And I never scored. Never. It was like skinny me was a turn off. I realised afterwards, it wasnt skinny me - it was depressed and upset me. I wasnt standing around talking about it, but me being unhappy in myself was giving off the bad vibe. Only when the situation resolved and I became happier in myself again did I begin to attract people again.

I know it sounds like such a cliche - but you really have to love yourself, if you do you will give off good vibes. When youre down in yourself you give off bad one - its like 'i dont even love myself, why would anyone else want to'?

Emme

Of course wrote: »

Is it possible that you're expecting guys to chat up your friends, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?

That was definitely the case with me. I was unknowingly taking the role of 'wing woman' and expected guys to be more interested in my friends than in me. Then my friends emigrated and I had to make my way on my own. I took up a sport at this time too (again, on my own) and I've never had so much interest from men in my life.

It was hard, and I had to be brave and I had no friends to lean on, but in the end, going it alone was really really good for me.

Just my experience, yours might be completely different of course

I agree with the "wing woman" bit. I always seem to end up either as wing woman or minder when my friends get drunk because I drink less than most of them. There's also the issue of friends competing for men. One girl in our group will always try to butt in if somebody else is being chatted up and on several occasions she has taken over and the guy ended up getting her number and taking her out instead of the girl he originally approached. These issues don't really raise their heads until women hit their 30s and the pool of available men gets smaller.

It seems to me that the amount of effort you have to put into your appearance over and above keeping fit, eating healthily and proper personal hygiene is unbelievable. Nowadays it's expected that a woman has to be constantly manicured, blowdried, made-up to perfection and every hair that isn't on her head has to be waxed off. If she gets older throw botox and cosmetic surgery into the equation. One girl I know gets her make up done professionally every time she goes out. All her disposable income goes into her appearance and making herself attractive for men. She gets a very poor return on her investment.

I'm a little older than the OP and I would advise her to try to be happy on her own rather than focus solely on finding somebody. I don't mean to be harsh but once a woman passes 35 many men in this country, indeed some a lot older than 35, no longer see her as viable relationship material. By all means tell your family, friends and colleagues that you would like to meet somebody but that's no guarantee it will happen. Maybe I'm biased and bitter, but I've given up on trying to find a committed partner. These days I just take life as it comes and make the most of what every day brings even if it isn't exactly what I might want. Live for the moment and enjoy it, and learn to be happy on your own.

I think it's unfair to accuse the OP of sending out the wrong vibes. From her post she seems like a lovely person. The dating scene in Ireland stinks and the OP is just another casualty of this.

MadameCholet

Emme wrote: »

I agree with the "wing woman" bit. I always seem to end up either as wing woman or minder when my friends get drunk because I drink less than most of them. There's also the issue of friends competing for men. One girl in our group will always try to butt in if somebody else is being chatted up and on several occasions she has taken over and the guy ended up getting her number and taking her out instead of the girl he originally approached. These issues don't really raise their heads until women hit their 30s and the pool of available men gets smaller.

It seems to me that the amount of effort you have to put into your appearance over and above keeping fit, eating healthily and proper personal hygiene is unbelievable. Nowadays it's expected that a woman has to be constantly manicured, blowdried, made-up to perfection and every hair that isn't on her head has to be waxed off. If she gets older throw botox and cosmetic surgery into the equation. One girl I know gets her make up done professionally every time she goes out. All her disposable income goes into her appearance and making herself attractive for men. She gets a very poor return on her investment.

I'm a little older than the OP and I would advise her to try to be happy on her own rather than focus solely on finding somebody. I don't mean to be harsh but once a woman passes 35 many men in this country, indeed some a lot older than 35, no longer see her as viable relationship material. By all means tell your family, friends and colleagues that you would like to meet somebody but that's no guarantee it will happen. Maybe I'm biased and bitter, but I've given up on trying to find a committed partner. These days I just take life as it comes and make the most of what every day brings even if it isn't exactly what I might want. Live for the moment and enjoy it, and learn to be happy on your own.

I think it's unfair to accuse the OP of sending out the wrong vibes. From her post she seems like a lovely person. The dating scene in Ireland stinks and the OP is just another casualty of this.

I agree with this. I'm 40 and single and although I feel relaxed about not meeting somebody because I have a couple of BAD relationships behind me & I have children to focus on. I tried internet dating for a while and a lot of men roughly my age will put 39 in as their cut off age!

I do agree that women are expected to spend a hell of a lot of money on their appearance. I try to just stay fit and healthy, have healthy hair and occasional leg waxes. Gel nails, highlights, brazilians, facials etc etc etc HOW on earth does any woman afford all that!? And as PP says, is it worth it? what does she get for her money? possibly a man who is MORE focused than is average on just appearances.


I did briefly go on one site, parship I think it was, and they match you by personality. I met up with one guy and he was really nice. The compatability quiz had really worked. We didn't click in a chemistry kind of way, but it gave me hope that if I KEPT trying I mgiht have some luck. I responded to that by giving up (for the time being). I'm a quitter. But good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks again to all for responding.

Judging by what a lot of you have suggested, and despite what I may think about myself, I am going to have to give serious consideration to the fact that I may be putting out some sort of subconscious 'vibe' which is putting guys off. While I had considered it, I just thought it was more likely that they just don't find me attractive enough to approach, as I am seen as a friendly person to others. I guess it's time to ask my friends to be honest with me. I guess it's a vicious circle though - you get passed over by men, this shakes your self-confidence which may come across to others, thus putting them off approaching you, which in turn makes the self-confidence problem worse!!

I have approached men in the past, usually with a bit of Dutch courage on board, and it generally leads nowhere. As regards one-night stands, there is usually a fair bit of drink involved on both parts, usually involving my friend scoring their friend first. One night, my friend ended up going home with her ex, and I ended up with his friend (we were drunk and had nothing else to do). Afterwards, he told me that I'd better go, as his girlfriend was going to be home soon. Yup. None of my experiences have been positive. Mind you, they were all a fair few years ago too.

As regards appearance and grooming, maybe I have an extra stone or so on me but I'm certainly not a whale. I'm not one for spending a fortune on designer clothes, but I do look after my skin and hair, and never look scruffy. I could never be the high-heels wearing, re-applying makeup 5 times a day, clothes-horse type. That's just not me. I do make as much of an effort with appearance as any other woman on a night out though.

In a nutshell, while I am beginning to feel that this is just the hand I have been dealt in life, i.e. love is not meant for everyone, I certainly don't want to be the crazy lady with 50 cats who smells vaguely of cabbage (and cat pee). Maybe the biological clock is ticking, which may be why I'm so down about this now. I don't know what my answer is yet, but I think I'll keep struggling along and try to find it. I'm not quite ready to embrace spinsterhood yet...I think....

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Op - I feel for you.

Others have said this and I can only back it up - there is SOMETHING thats going on that you are not conscious of or dont realise.

Its time to get a good friend to get critical - ask them whats going on with the vibes you give off, or with your attitude or with how you look or come across.

Are you acerbic in company? Do you think youre being funny but really youre being annoying? Are you annoying? Do you make unpleasant faces at people or behave in a snooty/cold/disinterested/superior/rude manner to people who approach the group. Do you behave that way within your own group? Do you give off 'dont approach me' signals? How do you react to a random approach?
What is different about your body language compared to others around you?

Spot on. Op Im not saying you gotta ask your freinds to tell you whats wrong with you because that wont work. Nobody will ever tell you the truth, at least not somebody who you know very well and are close to. You have to develop your self awareness, be tuned into the way people are reacting to what you do and say. I had to do this myself and it was a revelation. I had no idea that the things I said or did where putting people off me. The worst part of it all was that it went on for so long and nobody ever took me aside and said, listen you have to stop acting this way or that or saying such and such things. I had to become hyper aware of my surroundings and face things about myself and my behaviour that werent so great. It was tough, I mean it can be hurtful to admit that you have these flaws in you. But once you become aware you can change.
Think of it as a social experiment, next time you go out think carefully about what you say before you say it. A couple of rules of thumb are don't be offensive, dont slag people off or put others down because that just instantly makes you look unattractive. Dont interview guys, talk to them just like you were talking to a friend. Dont be all formal in what you say and the way you speak, be laid back and fun. Be nice but dont be an ass kisser. Racism is ugly as is misandry. Listen more than you talk, dont talk yourself up, be humble, but dont put yourself down either.
Like I said though, be aware. If somebody around you is acting in a way that is clearly annoying other people, take note and make sure that you dont act in that way yourself. Study yourself and be brutally honest with your assessment of your own behaviour.

James400

probable_spinster wrote: »

Several people have mentioned the possibility of me putting up barriers, or giving off some sort of negative vibe. I truly don't think this is the reason, as I am friendly and personable - but unfortunately, (as a couple of you have also suggested), there is nobody at work at the moment who catches my interest to flirt with.

Hi again OP.

I'm advocating going the work route because i do know of a few female friends of mine who were in the same boat as you- going out with female friends etc and getting nowhere.. but they knew guys in their workplace originally to say hi to etc- who they had gotten to know over time and eventually both parties developed feelings for each other.

One girl worked in another area of her job and used to pass by where another guy worked in a completely different area and they said hello, had a laugh and feelings developed.

As i said a hell of lot of people meet their other half at work, but it is a slow burner process- they really get to know the person after a while.

When you state there is nobody at work who catches your interest, i'm really wondering are you giving male work colleagues a chance at all to converse with you/ say hi etc, or are you automatically ruling out guys on first impressions?

In my opinion you need to widen your net, so i would give guys in work a chance to get to know you and vice-versa. Also, i think you should consider a male work colleague who has a trait that you like- be it- kind, genuine, great personality, funny etc..but you don't find him initially your cup of tea. Guys can grow on you.

MadameCholet

I disagree that there is necessarily something the OP is doing wrong. I think after a certain age, when you've settled into a routine and your circle of friends is relatively established, then it can honestly just be that you're not meeting anybody single who is right for you.

OP, I know what you mean about sometimes believing that it's just the hand you've been dealt. I do think that too. But I'm not sure if I believe my own propaganda because I also think that there is any number of people out there somewhere that I could be happy with who would also be happy with me! It's just meeting even one of them is such a remote chance.

I'm a bit older than you oP but I have the self-awareness now to know that on the rare occasions when I talk to a single man I am not being acerbic, stand-offish, flirtatious, over-bearing..... I am being normal for me. And if somebody doesn't like you when you're being you... then what is the solution ? to temporarily fake not being yourself!! I don't think so. I think you sound normal, modest, clever, a good friend, attractive in a normal way and despite your OP, reasonably confident! So I don't think you need to put yourself under a microscope wondering why no man wants you. Gack! It's more likely to have been timing, lack of opportunities, lack of clear signals, surrounding yourself with goodlooking more confident friends for a decade+!

John400

James400 wrote: »

Hi again OP.

I'm advocating going the work route because i do know of a few female friends of mine who were in the same boat as you- going out with female friends etc and getting nowhere.. but they knew guys in their workplace originally to say hi to etc- who they had gotten to know over time and eventually both parties developed feelings for each other.

One girl worked in another area of her job and used to pass by where another guy worked in a completely different area and they said hello, had a laugh and feelings developed.

As i said a hell of lot of people meet their other half at work, but it is a slow burner process- they really get to know the person after a while.

When you state there is nobody at work who catches your interest, i'm really wondering are you giving male work colleagues a chance at all to converse with you/ say hi etc, or are you automatically ruling out guys on first impressions?

In my opinion you need to widen your net, so i would give guys in work a chance to get to know you and vice-versa. Also, i think you should consider a male work colleague who has a trait that you like- be it- kind, genuine, great personality, funny etc..but you don't find him initially your cup of tea. Guys can grow on you.

Good advice.

inexperienced

op, just wanna say, dont give up until you really know you dont want to be a relationship.

if there is the desire, face it and pursue what you want.

if finally you still are single, at least, you try and you have been honest to yourself.

similar here, i am still looking, and i found it's not easy. but i wont give up if i still want it. i wont intentionally try to change myself to fit in too although i might 'grow' naturally due to experience. i cant fake anyway, i am too sincere and honest! and i want someone who treasure who i am.

try dating web site. i think it's a good way to meet men and you are sure they are single (well, suppose they are honest) and they are at least looking for dates. it's a good place to practice some skills.

John400

James400 wrote: »

In my opinion you need to widen your net, so i would give guys in work a chance to get to know you and vice-versa. Also, i think you should consider a male work colleague who has a trait that you like- be it- kind, genuine, great personality, funny etc..but you don't find him initially your cup of tea. Guys can grow on you.

Absolutely.

You should be giving chances to guys in work who have an element or trait to them that you like- Good sense of humour, Kind, Genuine, Funny, Charming, Always in a Good Mood, Sweet, etc...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Another mid thirties woman here, never been in a relationship, know exactly how you feel. I too am normal, nothing 'wrong' with me. It has just never worked out. Thanks for posting - good to know I'm not alone.

John400

Spinster 3 wrote: »

Hi OP,
Another mid thirties woman here, never been in a relationship, know exactly how you feel. I too am normal, nothing 'wrong' with me. It has just never worked out. Thanks for posting - good to know I'm not alone.

With complete respect to you- this post seems to be automatically defeatist, which is understandable with what you've experienced but wholly negative.

'It has just never worked out' suggests any chance of meeting a guy isn't ever going to happen which is the wrong attitude to have.

The thing is if your attitude is entirely negative be it out socially or at work, how can a guy or male work colleague be attracted to you if your entirely defeatist? Guys will run a mile.

As has been said, it may be hard, but you have to have a positive, friendly type of demanour to attract guys, which is the objective.

James400

sunflower27 wrote: »

I don't think it is defeatist at all. If things haven't worked out, what other way is there to phrase it? Spinster3 did not say 'I've resigned myself to the fact it will never work out'.

Plenty of people are happy to go out with people just for the sake of it. Nothing wrong with being and staying single until you meet someone that really does it for you.

In my opinion i think John400 probably realises that the girl is not totally ruling out any possible future relationship.

What he's saying is that the girl in question has to be positive, friendly etc which probably enchances her chances of possibly meeting someone.

Nothing wrong in pointing that out in my view.

LegacyUser

This is my first time on any of these forums so I hope I am doing it right!
I am a 21 year old female and in the same boat - never in a rel'ship. I am so ashamed about it that it gets me down when I do stop to think about it. Most days I ignore my feelings and get on with it, thankful for who and what I have got etc. I have extreme body image issues and I would have 0% confidence in the image I give out to others. I have had these feelings since early teens which is why I think I never gave myself a chance trying to find someone. Because of this, many people I meet think I am still only about 15 although I'm going in to 5th yr of college in Sept.! I dress very casually like I'm about that age too or younger! I'm not the most feminine creature and would certainly not be beautiful. I think these factors coupled with the fact I never have a partner on the scene makes people assume I am gay which I'm certainly not, I'm fully sure of that, I'm mad about men! I channel all my energy into my studies and I don't get involved in any sports or activities because of my self-image. I am a bit of a recluse really!! I end up depending on God but I don't think I should go on like this forever.
I differ somewhat to the original poster in that I can't even bring myself to try finding a boyfriend. Many of you probably think 'get on with it' or 'it's your own fault' and I wouldn't blame you. If I don't like myself how can I expect someone else to like me?!I just thank the previous posters for being so honest about their stories. It does give me some comfort to hear similar stories.

James400

Just on the work thing, i would actually recommend that to any single girl.

As has been said what happens is you initially meet the person (guy) at work and you then gradually get to know the person over time, what happens there is that affection develops between both parties, and then eventually feelings develop.

It most definitely cuts out the arkwardness of being out with the girls on the teat etc, because you are establishing something with a work colleague and you can say hi and converse/ get to know the guy better.

I agree that it may be a slow burner type of thing but probably worth it.

Emme

James400 wrote: »

Just on the work thing, i would actually recommend that to any single girl.

As has been said what happens is you initially meet the person (guy) at work and you then gradually get to know the person over time, what happens there is that affection develops between both parties, and then eventually feelings develop.

It most definitely cuts out the arkwardness of being out with the girls on the teat etc, because you are establishing something with a work colleague and you can say hi and converse/ get to know the guy better.

I agree that it may be a slow burner type of thing but probably worth it.

That's all very fine if you're in a workplace where there are single males, but I'm not so I have to explore the other (very limited :rolleyes:) options.

However, the OP said there are single men in her workplace so she should definitely explore that option. There are no excuses for not doing so.

LegacyUser

Just a suggestion - if you have any interests or hobbies that coincide with something that is more male dominated - then its great

If you are fit, try mountainbiking - so few girls do it. Or maybe if you are into something like chess, try a local chess club - not great examples I know, but, in any interest or hobby which is more of a male dominated thing - the women are always taken!, they get the pick of the bunch

Its like online dating or anything, take the plunge, there's nothing to lose, and you'll feel good afterwards

I have super low self esteem, so when I am in (sometimes very long) periods of not seeing someone I get off my ass and force myself to go find a nice girl to do a language exchange with, or go to a photography class and chat to the first girl I see or try an online date, it adds a spark to your life - for some reason, maybe because I'm a guy, the more I do those things, the less "needy" i seem, the more confident I am, and I reverse the downward trend!

Emme

sweethomealabama wrote: »

Just a suggestion - if you have any interests or hobbies that coincide with something that is more male dominated - then its great

If you are fit, try mountainbiking - so few girls do it. Or maybe if you are into something like chess, try a local chess club - not great examples I know, but, in any interest or hobby which is more of a male dominated thing - the women are always taken!, they get the pick of the bunch

Its like online dating or anything, take the plunge, there's nothing to lose, and you'll feel good afterwards

I have super low self esteem, so when I am in (sometimes very long) periods of not seeing someone I get off my ass and force myself to go find a nice girl to do a language exchange with, or go to a photography class and chat to the first girl I see or try an online date, it adds a spark to your life - for some reason, maybe because I'm a guy, the more I do those things, the less "needy" i seem, the more confident I am, and I reverse the downward trend!

It's easier for guys, particularly after age 35.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I’m going to write you from a completely different perspective, and please don’t think I’m coming across as showing off or bragging, cos I constantly wonder if I’m doing things wrong myself.
As much as I LOVE being single and spending time on my own, somehow I seem to always be in a relationship. I break up with one bf because I feel suffocated, just to fall into another relationship one month later – and they usually last quite a long time too. So I’m the other extreme, but probably.
And trust me, it has its pains. I feel like I’m never in control or in touch with my true feelings, desires etc. I feel like I miss out a lot in life, because I always have to compromise (50-50%) on everything I do – films, restaurants, travelling. And I resent never having time to my friends and to make new friendships and develop/cultivate hobbies.
I’m not gorgeous, I would say I’m average looking, mid 30s too. My bfs would usually be average looking too.
I often wonder what the hell they see in me. One thing that I noticed though, is that since I was a child, my best friends would always be guys. I’m not a boyish girl at all when it comes to my looks/clothes/attitude, but I think I’m so used to hang around with “the lads” that I kind of speak their own language – or at least that is what I’ve been told many times – that they feel like they can be themselves around me and that I’m easy to talk to.
Another thing I wondered is that maybe because I actually yearn to spend some time by myself, as I’m always busy at work or in relationship “chores”, I give the impression of not being after them. Mind you, I never play games, I’m just usually too tired/overwhelmed to always be there! But maybe it has the same effect of playing hard to get? I dunno.
Also, another thing is that I usually look for a “niche” – that is, maybe it’s a subconscious strategy, maybe that’s the way I am, but Im usually attracted to guys that are not the most obvious choices – usually very intelligent witty funny ones, cute, but not necessarily the first choice of most girls, or at least not the most noticeable (or arrogant ) in a nightclub. I really like to get a glimpse of their personality first, if possible.
I don’t know what kind of signs you give, but I guess it helps being very approachable and non-judgemental, and genuinely interested in people in general. But I know that it might be tricky in the first states of flirting/approaching, because it’s an issue that carries all this weight /overanalyses. But as they say, “fake it till you make it”, so even if you are nervous about lets say a chat with a cute guy at work, try to not let him notice that. And don’t have high expectations in the beginning, guys can it and it’s a recipe for pain. Play it by ear.
I don’t know if any of this helps, but there you go. All the best!
PS. I completely agree with guest_today. But I understand sometimes we need to live an “evil” to actually say, “ah, ok, had enough”
PS2. Maybe you could try going to other clubs, less mainstream? When I was younger, I used to go out with a group of friends that had nothing to do with me, and we would go to very mainstream/posh-wanna be places, where as you said, guys would just ignore me. I hated, and I would come home wondering what was wrong with me, “I am not that ugly, why didn’t they chat me up??”
Then I started going out to other sort of places, for eg gigs, festivals, alternative clubs, etc where people are more concerned about having a good time and a nice chat than showing off their new expensive clothes and having an attitude. That’s when I finally realised I fitted in!
PS3. When you have a chance to sit down or dance, I hope you dance! That’s one of my fav quotes. Never stay at home if you have the chance to go to a party/meet friends etc. Even if its cold and raining.

thecookingapple

There are plenty of single people who want a relationship.

You know why they remain single?

Because they do not make enough effort or show enough initiative.

seenitall

thecookingapple wrote: »

There are plenty of single people who want a relationship.

You know why they remain single?

Because they do not make enough effort or show enough initiative.

Absolutely. And if they do, then they are being desperate and coming across as clingy and needy.

Unfortunately, we can't win.:( But we can have a laugh about it!

In a slight variation on your thread title, OP, I am now 37 and almost always single... and I haven't found the answer either.

My advice is to try and not worry about it. Worry won't help, whether you end up with anyone or not. Life happens anyway.

EDIT: LOVE it that this is my 1000th post - how fitting! :pac:

thecookingapple

Congratualtions on 100th post

Why you would think making effort and showing initiative would result in being viewed as clingy or anything else is bizzare, rejection is as part of life as success is, one persons rubbish is another persons gold.

LegacyUser

John400 wrote: »

With complete respect to you- this post seems to be automatically defeatist, which is understandable with what you've experienced but wholly negative.

'It has just never worked out' suggests any chance of meeting a guy isn't ever going to happen which is the wrong attitude to have.

The thing is if your attitude is entirely negative be it out socially or at work, how can a guy or male work colleague be attracted to you if your entirely defeatist? Guys will run a mile.

As has been said, it may be hard, but you have to have a positive, friendly type of demanour to attract guys, which is the objective.

No not defeatist...no crying in my milk here. I am very outgoing and positive, not negative about this at all - just realistic about the fact that to date it hasn't worked out. Lots of reasons why, some of them my doing for sure. Que sera sera.

ash23

It's tough out there!
I find I don't get approached by guys but when I approach them they reciprocate. But then after a few weeks they go scurrying for the hills because they just want something "casual".
It's irritating. I take the first leap and the only ones I get are the lazy can't be arsed being in a relationship types.

As for meeting people in work, my workplace is about 98% female and the one or two single guys in the place never participate in work events. My friends are all settled and therefore trying to go out is a logistic nightmare. So many nights lately I've gone to the effort of arranging a babysitter only to wind up back home at 10pm because all the girls want to go home.

I've tried online dating and even the guys on there are lazy. I gave up when I realised that instead of sending messages and putting some effort in, they do the half assed thing of clicking on a "would like to meet" button and expecting me to reply and ask them out!

I'm 28 so not overly concerned just yet about still being single. I've had a number of dead end disastrous relationships but I've always been that way, since I was a teenager.
Part of me thinks maybe some people are just meant to be single. I have a child and had a long term relationship so I guess I feel that maybe that's my lot in life and one part of me thinks that's ok too. I tend to be lucky in life with family, friends, work....maybe we just aren't meant to have it all.

I'm very much in a passive mode about it all and I think I'll just cruise along through the next decade and see what happens but more and more, I'm beginning to feel like I'll be single for the long haul. Sometimes it gets to me but most of the time I just think "whatever".

Starokan

hi op.

Few bits of advice

1. If you come across any man that you like through work or outside work bite the bullet and ask him out. Dont be afraid of rejection, even if a fella says no its not personal it could be for any amount of reasons in his personal life and as a man i can absolutely guarantee you that he will be chuffed to bits that somebody thought enough of him to ask out.

Yes its unbelievably nerve wracking but its not that hard once you set your mind to it.

2. Instead of a dating site online perhaps joining a dating agency would be a good idea. They are not that expensive and they are better and more reliable than the sites.

If you have never been in a relationship or on many dates then you simply lack the frame of reference needed to be comfortable in these situations or for to read the signs whether someone likes you or not. Going on a set number of dates through an agency may really help

3. Let your friends know that you would like to meet someone , its possible that they may know a male friend seeking someone too.