rebellious 12 year old

LegacyUser

Hey. I am writing about my nephew. And wondered if anyone had a few words..

He has a room at my sister's (his mother) place and a room with my parents. They spoil him rotten and he goes there after school until his mum comes home. So he's had a stable upbringing. His mother has raised him with a firm hand (never hits him but he gets given out to if he does wrong). His father is not around and he only has negative memories of him during my sister's marriage.

Recently a rebellious streak has begun to show in him. He butts in on adult conversations and is very rude. Even if you tell him to keep out of adult talk he insists and at times he uses rude words and says things that would have merited a stern talking-to or a ban on television time when we were growing up. But my mother thinks it's funny and whenever I correct him for speaking out of turn, she laughs and even rewards his bad behaviour with treats. I've addressed this with her but she ignores it.

I am home temporarily because I'm studying for exams and my apartment is too noisy. I am shocked at how badly behaved my nephew is and am worried that he will speak to others with this insolence outside of the home.

barbiegirl

I'm sorry but as a member of the family he should be able to join any conversation, have opinions and be taught how to express them, back them up and indeed the correct manner of joining a conversation. Bad language should be highlighted and as a way to lose what he's trying to say, as all anyone hears is the bad language. It sounds like you have an issue with him. How do you expect him to learn social skills if not at home?
He's twelve about to enter a phase where he's neither child or adult, his ability to communicate effectively will be hugely important rather than seen and not heard.
This isn't rebellious it's growing up!
Maybe look at why you have such as issue as if this is his only one he's doing well.

deisemum

I would hope the days of children should be seen and not heard are in the past. I would consider it extremely rude to have "adult conversations" in front of him and expect him to sit there and not take part. I think it's a bit rich you complaining about him being rude when you've been very rude yourself. No wonder your mother laughs when she sees you carrying on like some old harpy.

Your sister who you say has raised him with a firm hand and gives out to him if he's done wrong and your mother have been doing fine rearing and discipling him so far. They seem to have been getting on fine before you moved back home and the only "problem" seems to be since you moved back home. It does look like you have a issue with him, maybe the problem lies with you.

Orion

You call him rebellious yet call yourself 'rebelaunt'. He's had a stable upbringing and is dealt with with a firm hand yet you say he's spoiled. Contradictions abound.

Maybe your mother is ignoring you not him. He sounds like a perfectly normal 12 year old boy to be honest. If there's a conversation going on in his presence he's perfectly entitled to 'butt in' or, as others call it, get involved. It's not your place in the slightest to tell him he's speaking out of turn. Just because he's 12 does not mean he's not entitled to an opinion - and you're not his mother so if he objects to you telling him to pipe down then that's perfectly understandable.

In my opinion, based on your post, if anyone is acting spoilt and insolent it's yourself. Perhaps you should spend more time listening to what he is saying rather than complaining about the noise.

I think you need to speak to the other people in your apartment about the noise if it's affecting your study. You should not need to move out when exams are coming up and then you wouldn't have to worry about your nephew's growing personality,

Ayla

Geez, OP, you really caught everyone on a bad day! :eek:

Based purely on what you said, I would imagine the 12 yr old is acting up b/c he's going through puberty & trying to establish where he is. He doesn't have any strong male role model and doesn't understand what's right & wrong. I've heard it said that males of that age are extremely impressionable and they rely on male role models more than ever before.

Maybe, just maybe, (roll with me here) - if he's acting up he's really just acting like a confused 12 year old kid (and weren't we all there?) who's trying to establish dominance (think basic biology/social structure). If he's the only male around, how does he know how to act?

It's a tough time of life for anyone, and it's a great time for you to have a positive influence on his life & his personality. Show him by example how he should behave, and explain to your mother that her reinforcing his poor behaviour isn't helping anything.

And Macros, the OP said the boy's mother led w/ a firm hand, but the grandparents were spoiling. That doesn't help the poor kid b/c he's getting mixed messages which futher complicates an already crazy time of life.

nicowa

I agree with most of what has been said here. Bad language and rudeness is something I absolutly hate - espicially in young people/teens/children. But at 12 he does need to learn how to hold a conversation with adults and peers - and wouldn't you prefer him to learn it in an environment where he can be easily corrected (if needs be) and won't face mockery or humiliation because of a half-formed opinion?

It nearly always happens that grandparents are much softer on kids than parents, your mother wouldn't expect the same of him than she would of you. If you had a very strict upbringing then that probably rankles a bit. Don't let it get to you.

I can understand being annoyed if your mother allows rudeness or bad languge - never mind getting extra treats despite that - but I would consider mentioning it to his mother. As aunt you have less to do with his upbringing than his mother or the grandparent who raises him after school - therefore are allowed less input (or that's how it could be seen). But if it's bugging his mother as well (rudeness and bad language being allowed) then I'm sure she'd appreciate your input. She might need you on her side if she decides to bring this up with your mother.

Morag

Your parents will not have the same rules and standards for their grandson as they had for thier son. It's that simple. It seems that you are put out having moved back home that he is there and interrupting what you see as your time with your parents. Tbh you need to adapt to the situation.