Don't like boyfriend's friends

LegacyUser

Just a quick question, any advice wouild be appreciated.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we are in a long distance relationship so when I see him its usually just the two of us, which is great as I really don't like his friends. I just think they are wasters and a bad influence on him. I don't have anything in common with them either.

Unfortunately I will have to see them this weekend, it can't be avoided. I am not the kind of person who can pretend to be nice to people I dont like, I just cant do it, even for his sake. Is anyone in a similar situation? Any advice on how to deal with this would be great.

Thanks!

STIG83

How are his boyfriends friends wasters and have a bad influence on him? are they typical lads always up for a laugh and craic?

Abrean

Honestly having been in a relationship where i didnt get on with or like my boyfriend's friends, i think relationships like this just dont work.

I'm not saying we all need to absolutely love our partners friends but at the very least we should be able to easily put up with them if not like them and get on with them.

I found my ex's friends to be immature, irritating and just not the kind of people i would have spent time .... we were just different. Like you said, nothing in common. You've been lucky so far in that with a long distance relationship you havent had to spend much time with them but how long are you going to be able to put up with avoiding them?

How long is your boyfriend expected to put up with you avoiding his friends? Does it not affect your relationship, him knowing you dont like them and are actively avoiding them?

When i was in this situation myself someone told me this "we pick our own friends they are a reflection of ourselves" ... it really stuck with me.

For whatever reason if you cant be nice to them and put up with them then i guess your only option is to avoid seeing them and presumably therefore your boyfriend this weekend. Im genuinely sorry if this isnt the kind of advice you wanted but its all i can think of to give you.

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for your replies.

STIG83, They are wasters because they don't work, bar one, and only seem to be happy when they are drinking. To make things worse, they can hardly bring themselves to speak to me but my boyfriend can't see this.

Abrean, I know what you are saying , I do worry about the future of our relationship as this is a big problem.. we have just had a row about it tonight. he can't understand my point of view and thinks I should be sociable for his sake, which I know I will find almost impossible. I suppose there isn't really anything for it but to grin and bear it as I really can't avoid seeing them this weekend, and not going isn't an option for me

I am a friend

Ok so say for example the two of you get married, how does this end? Does he have to completely abandon his friends? Thats not fair and he may end up resenting you...

Sounds like it cant work as it stands...

petebricquette

Have you given yourself the chance to get to know them or is this just from a handful of meetings? Have you made an effort to get to like them or chat to them? To be honest if you haven't then you're being really unfair on your boyfriend. For me, my girlfriend getting on with my mates was make or break time. Have you spoken to him about your opinion of his friends?

Miss Fluff

Cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

Unfortunately I will have to see them this weekend, it can't be avoided. I am not the kind of person who can pretend to be nice to people I dont like, I just cant do it, even for his sake.

Well you need to question how you feel about your boyfriend tbh. You're not a petulent eight year old who feels compelled to strop, you're a grown woman who should, one hopes, want to suck it up for her boyfriend's sake. If you care about him enough in the first place that is....

ElleEm

This can be really tough, OP, so I really sympathise.

I've been with my partner for years and he has one friend (one of his closest friends) that I cannot stand. He is toxic, and brings nothing but negativity and drama to the table. Even my partner's other friends have no time for this fella.
I know this bloke is important to my boyfriend, so I'm civil with him when I see him.

You have to see what is important to your boyfriend and compromise with him. Make the effort with them when you see them. If they don't speak to you, well then there's little you can do.

You should speak to your boyfriend and tell him they don't make the effort with you. He may speak with them about it, and it could change but it could just be a personality clash between you and them.

LegacyUser

cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

To make things worse, they can hardly bring themselves to speak to me

cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

I am not the kind of person who can pretend to be nice to people I dont like, I just cant do it, even for his sake.

Well OP, no wonder they can't bring themselves to speak to you! What do you expect when you make it so abundantly clear you can't stand them?

And as for not being able to be nice to people you don't like. It's nothing to to with 'the type of person you are' -it's a basic important life skill adults have to learn. You'll need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around you and what you do and don't like. You certainly CAN do it for his sake. So don't say you 'cant' -you can, you just don't want to. That's quite selfish.

Don't be one of those awkward joy wrecking people that causes atmospheres and awkwardness for nothing. Dig deep and swallow your pride and get to know these lads. Stop being such a princess. You certainly can do it and you should. Maybe your boyfriend finds your friends a drag but buttons his lip and makes the effort for you to make you happy? You know, the way adults do.

cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

They are wasters because they don't work, bar one, and only seem to be happy when they are drinking.

That describes about half the people in the Country. It's not easy being unemployed. I wonder how you know they are only happy when they are drinking, it doesn't sound like you give them the time of day? You sound VERY JUDGEMENTAL.

Boyfriends later become partners/husbands with families/friends and all that entails. You can't choose any of these people. You either make the effort to get along with them even if they are different to you or settle for a life of being the moody awkward girlfriend/wife that everyone dreads to see coming.

STIG83

cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

Thanks a lot for your replies.

STIG83, They are wasters because they don't work, bar one, and only seem to be happy when they are drinking. To make things worse, they can hardly bring themselves to speak to me but my boyfriend can't see this.

Abrean, I know what you are saying , I do worry about the future of our relationship as this is a big problem.. we have just had a row about it tonight. he can't understand my point of view and thinks I should be sociable for his sake, which I know I will find almost impossible. I suppose there isn't really anything for it but to grin and bear it as I really can't avoid seeing them this weekend, and not going isn't an option for me

In my group of friends we always welcomed somebody new to the group, it been a new GF or BF.
So you say people who dont work are wasters? Im outta work the last few months and i dont want to be in this situation at all.
And say if the two of ye got married, im sure your BF will want the friends you dont like as his Groomsmen if they are that close to him.

LegacyUser

Cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

I am not the kind of person who can pretend to be nice to people I dont like, I just cant do it, even for his sake.

what do you do if you meet someone you don't like in a work context? sometimes we have to make the effort if something is worth it. it doesnt sound like he is worth it to you.

good luck with that.

hatz7

Well obviously your boyfriends friends know that you don't like them. They aren't stupid.
Why would they bother talking to you?

"I am not the kind of person who can pretend to be nice to people I dont like, I just cant do it, even for his sake"

You can take some advice; grow up, stop being so condescending to his friends and maybe even trying to act in a friendly manner.

I can imagine you walking into a room with his friends there. You would give a general 'hi' to the whole room with a forced smile no doubt, sit down and then proceed to say nothing, because to engage with his friends would be beneath you.

Try speaking with his friends with a degree of sincerity. Try using their names too.

Can you imagine how depressing it must be for them to have to meet up with you too. Do you think that they look forward to it?

If you have any respect for your bf you could at least make an effort, even though you say that you cannot.

Fentdog84

Dont know what your problem is really OP, they just seem like an ordinary bunch of blokes, not scumbags or criminals. But if you find yourself that hung up in their presence, just stay at home or arrange to be doing something else. They are his friends, respect that because if he has never indicated that he has any problem with them you dont really have the right to interfere with his friendships. Its not like he's asking you meet with them every week, if he is you might want to talk to him. But when you do meet up make an effort to chat to them and then after half an hour or hour just say Im off down to the shops or whatever and leave them to it.

STIG83

sunflower27 wrote: »

I really think you need to try and accept his friends on some level if you want this relationship to work.

In what way are they wasters?

It's a bit pointless saying they are a bad influence on him. He is a grown-up. Surely by now he is capable of thinking for himself.

She said in an earlier post it because they are not working.

Azureus

Lots of people arent in work right now. If their young enough lads, chances are they are going to spend their time going out for drinks and stuff. It doesnt automatically make them wasters. You might not agree with it, but I doubt youll find many people out of work in similar situations. Doesnt sound like you know these people all too well. Maybe get to know them a bit more before you are so quick to judge them.

I have been in the situation where my boyfriend didnt get on with my friends, and it sucks. Really sucks. As another poster said, we choose our friends. They are a reflection of ourselves, and if you insult his closest buddies, then you are in a way insulting him and his choices. As well as possibly his personality, because we usually have a lot in common with our friends.

I made it clear to my boyfriend that I expected him to make an effort with my friends when we are out/they are around because otherwise it makes me uncomfortable. If you cant make that sacrifice, a rare one you admit because you dont see them often, then you are not a very considerate girlfriend imo. Do you not see the position this puts your boyfriend in? He has a choice-ignore his own friends for you, or be seen as the guy with the bitchy primadonna girlfriend (like it or not, thats how theyll see you if you dont make an effort with them-guys can be fairly black and white in my experience). Im guessing you dont wanna be that person, so put yourself out for one evening and make the effort. You say you 'cant do it, even for him'. How do you know? Doesnt sound like you've tried.

Relationships are about sacrifice and compromise-its not all flowers and rainbows. Suck it up.

LegacyUser

As others have said, unemployment doesn't equal waster! I'm thinking that maybe the OP means that they are 'content' to be unemployed and go on the lash a lot of the time? Surely just being unemployed can't be the problem with his friends - maybe it is that they seem to be wasting away their time, rather than doing anything constructive. Still though, I think it'd be very harsh to judge someone for doing that; I mean they could be very fed up constantly trying to get work, and getting nowhere - and spending a lot of time hanging out cos they don't have anything else to do.

No matter what the reason, I agree with what others have said - it is really important to at least make an effort with your bf's friends - no matter what you think of them, or why, it is the decent and respectful thing to do for your bf's happiness.

Hank_Jones

I'm not trying to be mean, but you sound like a bit of a wet blanket.

Because these people don't conform to exactly what you want, you don't want anything to do with them.

I honestly don't think they are the problem here, young lads are going to be out drinking.
Almost 30% of under 25's are on the live register and I would imagine that these numbers are vastly made up of males, due to the failure of the construction industry.

I think you should try being friendlier to these people and stop treating them like they are beneath you.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all your replies. I would like to point out these people have never worked and they are in their 40's, they are not young lads in their 20's, I realise a lot of people are not working - I have been there myself and it's not pleasant, so I may have used the wrong example there, and I didnt mean to offend anyone.

They have never made an effort to speak to me from the very start, and after a number of meetings I am very fed up with this, I think anyone would be. I have never made it clear that I don't like them, I always made an effort to be nice. They don't have girlfriends themselves so maybe they resent me being around.

Some of your replies surprised me, I am frustrated with this situation and came on here looking for advice and not to have people make judgements about me and the kind of person I am.

Thanks to those who gave constructive advice, I will take it on board.

STIG83

Have you said it to your fella OP?

LegacyUser

I've been in this exact situation OP and posted about it here a couple of years ago.

It was extremely difficult in the early days of my relationship with my bf. To top things off, my bf's friends had girlfriends who were very stuck up and downright nasty, they didn't want anyone new entering their little click as they were all from the same small town in Northern Ireland and were extremely resentful of a girl from the Republic entering their group.

Overall, it became hell for me. I was mostly seeing my bf at weekends in his home town and so it always involved all of these friends.

I considered ending the relationship over it many times as I couldn't see where the future would lead. We had a wonderful, perfect relationship except for this issue.

As things ended up playing out, my bf ended up getting transferred for work to Cork (as far away as possible from his home town) and I living quite closeby ended up moving there too, and our lives together developed without his friends. I got to build on our relationship without the influence of his nasty small-minded friends.

We are now planning to marry this time next year and while some of these friends will have to be invited to the wedding (that's his choice and I would never tell him who he can invite), they are no longer a big part of his life (purely due to his work taking him to a different place and not seeing the friends much anymore). They got sick of calling him to meet up when his work meant he was never able to, and well, with time, the situation has mostly resolved.

I hope similar can happen in your case. I completely understand where you are coming from and don't find you describing them as wasters in any way offensive. Men in their 40s who don't want to work.... well... 'nuff said.

STIG83

lkn,mn,mn,n wrote: »

I've been in this exact situation OP and posted about it here a couple of years ago.

It was extremely difficult in the early days of my relationship with my bf. To top things off, my bf's friends had girlfriends who were very stuck up and downright nasty, they didn't want anyone new entering their little click as they were all from the same small town in Northern Ireland and were extremely resentful of a girl from the Republic entering their group.

Overall, it became hell for me. I was mostly seeing my bf at weekends in his home town and so it always involved all of these friends.

I considered ending the relationship over it many times as I couldn't see where the future would lead. We had a wonderful, perfect relationship except for this issue.

As things ended up playing out, my bf ended up getting transferred for work to Cork (as far away as possible from his home town) and I living quite closeby ended up moving there too, and our lives together developed without his friends. I got to build on our relationship without the influence of his nasty small-minded friends.

We are now planning to marry this time next year and while some of these friends will have to be invited to the wedding (that's his choice and I would never tell him who he can invite), they are no longer a big part of his life (purely due to his work taking him to a different place and not seeing the friends much anymore). They got sick of calling him to meet up when his work meant he was never able to, and well, with time, the situation has mostly resolved.

I hope similar can happen in your case. I completely understand where you are coming from and don't find you describing them as wasters in any way offensive. Men in their 40s who don't want to work.... well... 'nuff said.

So you are saying the OP's BF should abandon his friends? i dont agree with that now.
The reason i say that is because i knew a guy very well before, he was a good mate and then he started seeing a one, eventually got married and i havent seen him since, his choice i guess :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

STIG83 wrote: »

So you are saying the OP's BF should abandon his friends? i dont agree with that now.
The reason i say that is because i knew a guy very well before, he was a good mate and then he started seeing a one, eventually got married and i havent seen him since, his choice i guess :rolleyes:

I am absolutely NOT saying he should abandon his friends. I don't know where you read that in my reply. That is not what happened in my case, things simply resolved themselves over time.

I am hoping that the OP will allow her situation to play out a little and perhaps things will improve with time. People grow up and grow out of friends all the time, I don't think it is worth ending a relationship over not getting along with his friends if the relationship is otherwise going very well. Try to arrange meeting up time apart from the friends and perhaps avoid spending time with him when he is in the company of these particular friends. There are ways to work around this to make it more bearable.

I think that when a man settles down, gets married and has children, a lot of his single pub-going friends will gradually be less of an influence in his life, it's a natural pattern. And perhaps that will be the case in the OP's life.

If the OP feels the relationship is good otherwise, perhaps she should hang in there and see where things go, rather than ending their relationship because of his friends.

booboo88

cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

OP here.

Thanks for all your replies. I would like to point out these people have never worked and they are in their 40's, they are not young lads in their 20's, I realise a lot of people are not working - I have been there myself and it's not pleasant, so I may have used the wrong example there, and I didnt mean to offend anyone.

They have never made an effort to speak to me from the very start, and after a number of meetings I am very fed up with this, I think anyone would be. I have never made it clear that I don't like them, I always made an effort to be nice. They don't have girlfriends themselves so maybe they resent me being around.

Some of your replies surprised me, I am frustrated with this situation and came on here looking for advice and not to have people make judgements about me and the kind of person I am.

Thanks to those who gave constructive advice, I will take it on board.

You kinda contradict yourself on that one, mostly cuz you say if you dont like someone you cant pretend to play nice.......
yet ur try and make the effort. so which is it?

LegacyUser

I have mentioned it to my boyfriend and he doesn't really want to deal with it, they have been friends for years so it's unfortunate for him that this has become an issue. He just wants us to get along.

Good to hear that it worked out so well for you, lkn,mn,mn,n I will give it time and see how it goes, I would hate to lose him over something like this.

Booboo88 - I contradicted myself?
I said I had always made - past tense - an effort to be nice, (during the first couple of years), but they never made an effort to be nice to me, so at this stage - over 3 years later - I don't like them and I don't want to try and be nice anymore as I find it very difficult. I hope that's cleared that up for you.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice, I think I have enough now to be going on with.

booboo88

cantstandhisfriends wrote: »

I have mentioned it to my boyfriend and he doesn't really want to deal with it, they have been friends for years so it's unfortunate for him that this has become an issue. He just wants us to get along.

Good to hear that it worked out so well for you, lkn,mn,mn,n I will give it time and see how it goes, I would hate to lose him over something like this.

Booboo88 - I contradicted myself?
I said I had always made - past tense - an effort to be nice, (during the first couple of years), but they never made an effort to be nice to me, so at this stage - over 3 years later - I don't like them and I don't want to try and be nice anymore as I find it very difficult. I hope that's cleared that up for you.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice, I think I have enough now to be going on with.

you tried to make an effort? Yet you're the type o person who cant be nice if you don't like someone????? makes sense