Disgraceful attitide or a misunderstanding?

texthimornot

I have recently been on 4 dates with a guy i have been friendly with since college about 6 years ago. We always kept in contact since college so we would consider him a friend even though we didnt get to meet up face to face very much since.

On our first "date" we went for a few drinks and went back to his place. Despite his every I didnt sleep with him which he was fine with. Since that we went for few drinks and to a gig - each of the meetings were quite close to each other with only a few days apart with plenty of texts in between. Other night we went for a few drinks again and because a taxi to my place works out so expensive I stayed over in his place again. WE had a great night and a great laugh up to that point. Off started his efforts again that night but due to the timing of my body clock i wasnt able to sleep with him even if I wanted. Suddenly there was a complete change in his attitude he soon turned away feel asleep, didnt speak to me or touch me hardly, offered me early breakfast in the morning and announced he was heading off to the gym to "meet the lads there early as he does every sat morning"

I was annoyed and quite cool but polite and went home. I was to text when i got back to my place safely but i didnt so he texted to see if i got there safe. I replied a while after and he texted back but I waited about 8 hours before repling to that text with a simple have a good night tonight with the lads text. There has been no contact now since well over 24 hours later. Up that there was always another meeting in the pipeline like oh we must go cinema next week ill text you about it etc but when I left that morning he just said goodbye with no mention of a follow up meeting from either of us.

If he was a regular guy I would say he was just after one thing but the fact that were friendly before this has me completely confused. I think his attitude was disgraceful but i was really getting to like him up to that. Perhaps he thinks i was rude with my parting notes and not texting when he asked. Maybe he thinks I am not interested since i sent 2 abrupt messages since that morning and I hjavent texted since.

What do you think? Is it a misunderstanding or he just out for one thing and think I was an easy target just to discover I was too much hard work? Also, he seemed so interested up to the other night it doesnt seem like it was the straw that broke the camels back and that he was fed up and planning to call it a day anyway- he was very interested, generous, flirty etc than just switched like a light switch in a matter of seconds.

Should I sit it out or text him? Its driving me insane thinking about it and wondering where we stand and if its all off. I certainly dont want him to think i am running around after him or that i approve of what did but i also dont want to throw it away over a possible misunderstanding either.

I would really appreciate your thoughts - thanks so much.

IrishEyes19

Did you purposely wait eight hours to text back or were you just busy, he might think you are playing games or something.

texthimornot

Well I was annoyed with him to be honest so I didnt bother texting him back til then. Im definately a texter and he has often seen me reply to texts when we were out so maybe it was a bit too obvious and he knows i was punishing him

sam34

texthimornot wrote: »

I was to text when i got back to my place safely but i didnt so he texted to see if i got there safe. I replied a while after and he texted back but I waited about 8 hours before repling to that.

Perhaps he thinks i was rude with my parting notes and not texting when he asked.

perhaps he does. it looks very much like you're playing games with the not texting as agreed and then not replying for 8 hours.

if he's as good a frieng as you say he is, sit down and talk it out with him.

IrishEyes19

I think you should just put aside punishing him, thats what teenagers do, confront him about how you feel, explain the not sleeping with him situation, and if he's a decent guy, he'll understand, if not, well count yourself lucky in that respect and get out of there. But cut the game playing in my opinion and this Im not texting him now, because Im annoyed, stuff. It only causes confusion, tears and eventual fights and breakup in the long run. Nothing beats honest conversation face to face. Best of luck

texthimornot

When I say friend I mean we kept in contact through emails and texts along the lines of how are things, happy birthday etc. Not a friend I would usually pick up the phone to or see on a regular basis, but being "friends" was how we got together there a while back. We would often go months without contacting each other and then for one reason or another we would text or email and be texting or emailing for a few days and then not again for a few months again. Certainly not a good friend a distant old friend more so. Thats why its so awkward cos now the contact has stopped but that was pretty normal before this happened and we started dating anyway

Irisheyes thanks for reply granted I probably did play games initailly but he did reply to my last text and just said goodnight. He made no reference to anything else and didnt say must arrange something for next week or anything and he did have the opportunity then. Thats the most confusing part to be honest

Faith

If you want to see him again, ask him out.

While you're under no pressure to sleep with him, going back to his house twice but rejecting sex might have confused him. Perhaps he thinks you're just interested in him as a friend?

coolcat63

Faith wrote: »

If you want to see him again, ask him out.

While you're under no pressure to sleep with him, going back to his house twice but rejecting sex might have confused him. Perhaps he thinks you're just interested in him as a friend?

This. TBH you come across a bit of princess with the 'disgraceful attitude' quote. Sorry.

fghijkl

I'm quite surprised by some of the response's here OP, while yes you really shouldn't have done the childish not texting him back till 8 hours later thing, that was just silly tbh, i think he's being equally as childish.

You don't sleep with him so he get's in a huff? Why does he automatically assume that because you were staying in his house rather than getting a taxi that it must mean sex was on the cards?

Did he know you were on your period? If so then he was behaving like a child imho.

He made no reference to anything else and didn't say must arrange something for next week or anything and he did have the opportunity then. Thats the most confusing part to be honest

I'd take the initiative and give him one more chance OP, call/text him and suggest another date, if he did feel rejected it will be a chance to show him you do like him as more than a friend.
But if he keeps getting sulky because you won't sleep with him, i'd cut my loses tbh.

texthimornot

Sorry if it sounds princess like cool cat its not intended to. I am old and mature enough to not sleep with someone the first night if i dont want to. He was offered a very valid explanation as to why I wouldnt the last time and didnt accept this. He turned away, didnt speak, didnt touch me asked me to move away as i was making him too warm, organised for me to leave first thing the next morning and made no referene to ever wanting to me again. In my opinion this is disgraceful - I am not a princess, far from it and certainly dont want to be treated like one. I do however expect respect from someone who started out as my friend

fghjkl- yes he did know that as i explained it was and that was the reaction...

fghijkl

He turned away, didnt speak, didnt touch me asked me to move away as i was making him too warm, organised for me to leave first thing the next morning and made no referene to ever wanting to me again.

fghjkl- yes he did know that as i explained it was and that was the reaction..

Ahhh well then that is an entirely different situation in my opinion.
If he suddely turned cold and lost interest when he knew he couldn't get what he wanted, i'd be inclined personally to take that as a huge red flag, and i personally wouldn't be bothered contacting him again.
You weren't even worth a cuddle when he couldn't get sex..pffftt
I couldn't be bothered dating a man with that attitude, and i'd personally cut my loses and count it as a lucky escape.

ppink

too much figuring out to do with this guy OP! If after 4 dates it is becoming hard work then I would be leaving it.
tbh I would steer well clear of someone who treated me like that just cause of sex.

texthimornot

While what i did say happened is perfectly true, next morning after we got up he did make me breakfast before I left and I did get a kiss and a cuddle then. He offered if i wanted to watch a movie he had recorded before he headed off but i knew this was only half hearted as he was already up and had mentioned the trip to the gym. I was well annoyed at that stage and ate breakfast with the minimum of converstation. Maybe I just fuelled a missunderstanding and am focusing too much on what happened the night before. Perhaps he saw the error of his ways by morning and I complicated things with my polite but cold humour and lack of texts and maybe I am the bad one in his eys now and he doesnt know what to make of me.

fghijkl

Maybe, only you can decide if he's worth another shot, and maybe you should give him a call/text so, so at least you won't have any what if's or regrets.

But his attitude to sex does seem a little how shall i put this "old fashioned", i don't see why the two of ye couldn't of had a bit of a cuddle and kissing session regardless of sex being on the cards or not, it just seems a kind of an all or nothing attitude which is a little off putting and i'd be a bit weary of personally. If you decide to give it another shot it's something i would at least keep it in mind and give careful consideration should a similar issue arise again. Just don't ignore the warning signs.

All the best OP

texthimornot

Thanks fghjkl - perhaps the ball in kind of in my court and I should text. only prob is he knows me well enough to know its not really my style to ask him out now again. I just need to know if he still cares enough to give it a go but I certainly cant make myself look desperate here either. He has an interview this week so i was thinking of texting good luck for that but once again that may come across a bit cool too. I was thinking of saying hope what may have been a bit of a misunderstanding other day wont come between us and that could mean as either a relationship or friendship and throw that ball back in his court that way. ill def come on too strong if I ask him out he knows its not my style and that i would prefer him to initiate

fghijkl

Ah well i don't think i'm going to agree with you there, i'm a lay all my cards on the table kind of gal, i don't personally buy into the 'desperate' mentality of letting a guy know you like him, life is far too short. This whole situation kind of happened from playing games and ambiguity did it not? so i don't think continuing in the same vein is going to get you anywhere tbh
The only people who get anywhere in this life are those who are prepared to take a risk and aren't afraid of what people may or may not think of them (hope that doesn't sound too harsh)
Nothing ventured then absolutely nothing gained and all that?
Also if he's the kind of guy who thinks you desperate for simply asking him on a date, well then that's your 2nd warning sign

coolcat63

Apologies for calling you a princess but you need to stop overthinking this and worrying about how you come across. If you like him (even though he might have acted like a bit of twat!) them get in touch. If you don't communicate you won't get anywhere.

Good luck

Chinafoot

texthimornot wrote: »

Maybe I just fuelled a missunderstanding and am focusing too much on what happened the night before. Perhaps he saw the error of his ways by morning and I complicated things with my polite but cold humour and lack of texts and maybe I am the bad one in his eys now and he doesnt know what to make of me.

If he saw the error of his ways he should have apologised for acting the sack the night before. If someone I had only started seeing reacted like that over sex I would be gone. Sulking because you can't have sex with him? That is a disgraceful attitude and there is nothing princessy about it.

There's no excuse for that kind of behaviour. Going home with him does not entitle him to sex and attitudes like that are scary. You're only getting to know each other. And to make it even worse, you explained to him why you couldn't have sex.

If it was me I wouldn't waste my time on him again and if he got in contact with me I'd be telling him I have no time for immature arseholes like him that are clearly only after one thing. Life is too short OP. He needs to grow up and stop thinking with his dick.

BroomBurner

I'm a little confused here. Did he arrange for you to leave first thing in the morning as per your earlier post, or did he make breakfast for you and tell you watch a film if you wanted?

Are you sure you aren't over-reacting and possibly making up his being in a huff by adding 1 (his turning over to sleep because of being tired and not on a promise) and 1 (his asking you not to cuddle because your body heat was genuinely too hot) and getting 7?

To me, you do sound a tad bit precious, and if I was him, I would stay well away. You were angry over something that may have been entirely in your own head, and took it out on him. Then playing silly mind-games afterwards.

I am a friend

BroomBurner wrote: »

To me, you do sound a tad bit precious, and if I was him, I would stay well away. You were angry over something that may have been entirely in your own head, and took it out on him. Then playing silly mind-games afterwards.

I agree with this - you come across as v hot headed and I suspect it's s self preservation thing.

In saying that, for a pair who have known each other for years your communication is brutal.

LegacyUser

Do you know what the first thing that crops up when I read your post?

I think you are overanalyzing 1.
and 2. What were you doing texting other people when you were out with him?

Texting is ruining communication IMO.

Imagine that this is what communication has come to now... that when we get a message on our phone, a cool cold collection of digital letters, if we don't reply to it IMMEDIATELY we run the risk of annoying/insulting/peeing off the sender.

How ridiculous.

Motley Crue

There are two issues here

OP, I feel you may have annoyed him in the fact that you didn't sleep with him, even if that's not what you wanted and you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want.

On the other hand, I could have asked why he (or yourself) didn't sleep on the couch if you didn't have a spare bed, and why despite not sleeping with him you were obviously in a position of intimacy since you mentioned he didn't touch you again and just went to sleep. You were obviously sharing his bed, in your underwear since you weren't expecting to spend the night (add to that the various levels of touching and feeling), and his mind felt like he was 99% certain what was going to happen.

Still, I think he was a little upset by that, and I think he may have genuinely wanted to go to the Gym with the guys on a Saturday morning and didn't realise that it upset you the way it did. Taking 8 hours to answer a simple text won't have helped.

I would recommend just texting him and asking him about the next date. Say you really like him and want to spend some time with him again. If he's genuine, or a regular guy as you say, he should be up for having a good time.

Chinafoot wrote: »

He needs to grow up and stop thinking with his dick.

It's comments like this that worry me. He obviously felt something was going ahead, and unless this girl told him before they got home, he obviously still felt it was going ahead as they were in the taxi back to his flat. He'd been out on a few dates and nothing had happened, he probably felt that by her offering to share his flat for the night he was in with a good chance, even if there was no way he should have acted on that if she said no - but apparently, as they were out, she wasn't.

So picture the scene, it's an early date, and she's dressed up and probably wearing something expensive. He might be buying her drinks, or not, but he's not being cash strapped at this stage because he wants to make a good impression. They've been out together before, and know each other from college, so there is a level of friendliness and he's not some stranger who picked her up in a bar. For whatever reason she is out of money, or she doesn't want to spend the money, and they go back to his. She makes it clear she needs (or wants) to spend the night.

She's been there before, she knows where it is, and it's a safe environment (or else she wouldn't be going back) with a guy she know's and counts, from her own admission, as a friend.

By her own admission, she lets him touch her, and that is at least an intimate encounter. So from his point of view he has this girl who strips down to her underwear, since she is feeling really hot herself, and gets into his bed. He's just been touching her and kissing her all night and they've had a great evening together laughing and joking and really getting to know each other. He likes her, and he figures this is going to happen, but she says no. He is surprised, and does sulk a little, but obviously does nothing untoward and maybe feels because of her reason for not wanting too (although I'm not sure if she did tell him) that he had best let her get some sleep.

In the morning it's Saturday, he tells her he needs to go to the Gym like he does every week, and that he has made her breakfast and she can make herself at home. She feels a little rejected, without taking into account what happened the night before, and just smiles politely before leaving.

Elle Collins

Hi OP. The thing that strikes me about your story with this bloke is how you two are only getting it together now, after having already known each other for six years. Reading between the lines (and correct me if I'm wrong) but it seems likely that either one or both of you have been in a LTR until recently, which would explain your knowing each other 6 yrs with nothing happening up to now.

If it is the case that he was in a LTR and is now free to start sleeping around I'd be willing to bet that's all he plans on doing. Seems likely he's just into scratching an itch and, not to be bad or anything, but if he hasn't made his move in the six years he's already known you I'm sorry but he may well just view you as some sort of fall-back plan.

His attitude also is something I would not at all appreciate and I think you're right to see that as disgraceful. How old is he? That might have some bearing on matters or on his behaviour..

fghijkl

I feel you may have annoyed him in the fact that you didn't sleep with him

why despite not sleeping with him you were obviously in a position of intimacy since you mentioned he didn't touch you again and just went to sleep. You were obviously sharing his bed, in your underwear since you weren't expecting to spend the night (add to that the various levels of touching and feeling), and his mind felt like he was 99% certain what was going to happen.

They've only been on 4 dates? it was only the 2nd time she had gone back to his house...surely she's allowed to fool around with the guy a bit and get comfortable with him before she jumps straight into having sex with him? If not then jeebus have i been leading a lot of guys on!
Why does he automatically think that must equal sex? And why did he get huffy with her, because he got the wrong end of the stick? It's not a very mature perspective i would think...I mean i would seriously question the mindset of anyone who was "annoyed" that they weren't going to get sex. Is it not enough to enjoy the fooling around/company of your date for what it was, without getting "annoyed" that it never went any further?

That kind of attitude would worry me tbh.

He's just been touching her and kissing her all night and they've had a great evening together laughing and joking and really getting to know each other. He likes her, and he figures this is going to happen, but she says no. He is surprised, and does sulk a little, but obviously does nothing untoward and maybe feels because of her reason for not wanting too (although I'm not sure if she did tell him) that he had best let her get some sleep.

In fairness while i could maybe see you point if the OP had said a blunt no, she had a valid reason. Why would he be surprised that a woman was on a period?
And it sounds like he stopped the sexy time rather than her once he heard it wasn't going to end in "actual sex". And his reaction to his date having something as mundane as period was that she might need some sleep (what?) well that says a lot about his level of maturity tbh...i mean she if they continue having a relationship, she is going to have a period every month? will this be his reaction each time? to sulk and "let her get some sleep"

So picture the scene, it's an early date, and she's dressed up and probably wearing something expensive. He might be buying her drinks, or not, but he's not being cash strapped at this stage because he wants to make a good impression. They've been out together before, and know each other from college, so there is a level of friendliness and he's not some stranger who picked her up in a bar. For whatever reason she is out of money, or she doesn't want to spend the money, and they go back to his. She makes it clear she needs (or wants) to spend the night.

She's been there before, she knows where it is, and it's a safe environment (or else she wouldn't be going back) with a guy she know's and counts, from her own admission, as a friend

I won't comment on this because, i'm sure it wasn't your intention, but it does verge into the "she asked for it" territory

Chucky the tree

I don't really see what the guy did as that bad. I'm sure he was a bit frustrated and it's not surprising. It was probably a difficult situation for him to judge, maybe he wasn't sure if he should keeping fooling around as he might have felt you'd see this as him putting pressure on you.

liah

BroomBurner wrote: »

Are you sure you aren't over-reacting and possibly making up his being in a huff by adding 1 (his turning over to sleep because of being tired and not on a promise) and 1 (his asking you not to cuddle because your body heat was genuinely too hot) and getting 7?

He had the energy for sex but not a cuddle?

LegacyUser

liah wrote: »

He had the energy for sex but not a cuddle?

She's turned him down twice in his own bed.
He probably took that as a sign that his advances were unwelcome, and it was time to back off, so that's exactly what he did.

He can't read her mind. Her actions and her words were very different - sleeping in his bed, refusing to have sex with him. From his point of view the most likely outcome of him continuing to kiss and cuddle was further rejection and being accused of being a creep for pushing too hard.

You pushed him away, he backs off like you asked, and now you're annoyed ?!?
Poor guy can't win.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think your case is a classic case of trying to sort things out via texting instead of calling.
I also think that you should be straight with this guy and tell him you aren't ready to sleep with him (that is your right). You are both adults and should be able to say what you want/expect. A woman has the right to say "no" at any stage, but it is a bit childish to get into a bed with a man without being very clear about what you expect/boundaries before you get in the bed (. He was disappointed and let you know it. You were with a good guy and he went to sleep, he didn't push it any further and he asked you to move over.
The next day he was kind and made sure you got home okay.
Why not call him and talk to him?

liah

turned down wrote: »

She's turned him down twice in his own bed.
He probably took that as a sign that his advances were unwelcome, and it was time to back off, so that's exactly what he did.

He can't read her mind. Her actions and her words were very different - sleeping in his bed, refusing to have sex with him. From his point of view the most likely outcome of him continuing to kiss and cuddle was further rejection and being accused of being a creep for pushing too hard.

You pushed him away, he backs off like you asked, and now you're annoyed ?!?
Poor guy can't win.

Strange way of thinking - because she's not in the mood for sex it suddenly means she wants no contact with him at all? That's hardly 'what she wanted.' That was him throwing a mini-strop.

Come on. His reaction was obviously petty - he was pissed he wasn't getting sex that night instead of actually, you know, being understanding that sometimes people aren't in the mood for sex (for WHATEVER reason), and understanding that he's not entitled to it just because she's there. He could've been decent about it and just enjoyed the rest of the night with her; instead he cut her off and wouldn't let her touch him. It's clear the problem is about getting his end. Either that or insecurity.

Just because a person isn't in the mood for sex (particularly so early on in the relationship) it doesn't mean they want to be completely cut off from contact, or that they're rejecting them as a person.

Motley Crue

fghijkl wrote: »

They've only been on 4 dates? it was only the 2nd time she had gone back to his house...surely she's allowed to fool around with the guy a bit and get comfortable with him before she jumps straight into having sex with him?

I think she should have made an effort to get a cab home to her own house on this particular occasion then spend the night at his. Just for the saving of a few pounds she went back with him, after they'd both had a few drinks, to his place. I also think if this had happened either he should have volunteered to sleep on the couch or she should have raised an issue of whether he had a camp bed or an inflatable bed or a pull out couch or something.

I mean, if you were in the same situation, would you be happy fooling about with a guy in your own bed while you're both undressed and then just going to sleep and sharing the bed with him? If I had been in this situation with the OP, and she came back to my place and it was understood we weren't going to have sex, I would sleep on the couch and offer her the bed rather then share a bed with her because I would feel it was the right thing to do.

If I was kissing or touching her I wouldn't then invite her to continue that in my bed with her clothes off, I would probably put a stop to it on the couch before bed.

As a woman would you be offended by that?

fghijkl wrote: »

...I mean i would seriously question the mindset of anyone who was "annoyed" that they weren't going to get sex. Is it not enough to enjoy the fooling around/company of your date for what it was, without getting "annoyed" that it never went any further?

I wasn't really commenting on the impression that he got annoyed, I just taught he was sulking, and considering he was probably a little drunk as well I think everyone is entitled to the odd sulk. Besides, he wasn't like a petulant child, he didn't ask her to leave or get up and throw his hands in the air or start crying, he just gave her the space she asked for. I'm not sure what response the OP wanted instead of what she got?

Did she expect him to continue with the intimacy or what? And to what level?

fghijkl wrote: »

In fairness while i could maybe see you point if the OP had said a blunt no, she had a valid reason. Why would he be surprised that a woman was on a period?

Not surprised, maybe embarrassed, maybe he felt like he had already overstepped the mark and didn't want to offend her by continuing any touching or intimate encounter

fghijkl wrote: »

And it sounds like he stopped the sexy time rather than her once he heard it wasn't going to end in "actual sex". And his reaction to his date having something as mundane as period was that she might need some sleep (what?) well that says a lot about his level of maturity tbh...i mean she if they continue having a relationship, she is going to have a period every month? will this be his reaction each time? to sulk and "let her get some sleep"

Was it that he wanted some sleep, or he felt she needed some sleep, and this might have been the first time he was in this situation - as I said - they were both undressed, in his bed, before this came up...so maybe he just wanted to do nothing because he was afraid of doing anything further.

fghijkl wrote: »

I won't comment on this because, i'm sure it wasn't your intention, but it does verge into the "she asked for it" territory

No, not at all. I've made it clear that, in my own opinion, I believe the two biggest mistakes she made were getting a taxi back to his (instead of just keeping money for a cab herself or spending money on the fare home) and getting into bed with him (especially if she was so hot she had to strip down). If she had avoided this or handled it differently it might have led to less awkwardness, confusion and the situation she faces now. Just as much as she is confused by this on this forum I'm sure he might be too, wherever he is.

fghijkl

I think she should have made an effort to get a cab home to her own house on this particular occasion then spend the night at his. Just for the saving of a few pounds she went back with him, after they'd both had a few drinks, to his place. I also think if this had happened either he should have volunteered to sleep on the couch or she should have raised an issue of whether he had a camp bed or an inflatable bed or a pull out couch or something.

Being honest, I genuinely don't understand this perspective at all.
I don't understand why anyone would consider sharing a bed as = a guarentee of sex. I've shared many a bed with dates for loads of reasons taxi expensive, it had gotten too late, etc etc and i can hand on my heart say none of these men ever took sharing a bed as a sure sign sex was on the cards. Maybe i've just been really lucky? But it's just not my experience.

I mean, if you were in the same situation, would you be happy fooling about with a guy in your own bed while you're both undressed and then just going to sleep and sharing the bed with him?

Yes, i would never assume it was going to lead to sex, i'd assume we were just fooling around unless he suggested otherwise tbh, and i quite like the idea of just falling asleep with someone it's really nice and intimate especially in the early days of dating when you're just getting to know someone.

If I had been in this situation with the OP, and she came back to my place and it was understood we weren't going to have sex, I would sleep on the couch and offer her the bed rather then share a bed with her because I would feel it was the right thing to do.

As above i genuinely don't understand this. Why can't you share a bed with someone you aren't going to sleep with?

If I was kissing or touching her I wouldn't then invite her to continue that in my bed with her clothes off, I would probably put a stop to it on the couch before bed.

As a woman would you be offended by that?

Yes i would, maybe it's a man vs woman's perspective thing, but i don't understand how it's so hard to separate intimacy and sex, you can be intimate with someone and enjoy it without sex being involved at all. I would see your not wanting to continue kissing/touching as a rejection of wanting intimacy with me. Like i said i respect your viewpoint, but it's just not something i can relate to as it's not something i've ever found in my own dating experience, and tbh i would be highly offended if i did. who knows maybe i'm in for a very rude awakening...But each to their own.

Katgurl

Maybe he wasn't sulking in bed, maybe he was just really turned-on and when he was told they wouldnt' be having sex was genuinely really disappointed and physically frustrated so didn't want to further exacerbate that by more touching and then perhaps trying to talk her round and coming across like an a$$hole.

The OP said he came back into bed and cuddled her in the morning.

She also said he invited her to watch a movie.

If he goes to the gym every Sat and meets his buddies, then I dont see whats wrong with him leaving to do this. I dont like when my schedule is thrown out either.

The fact she barely spoke to him at breakfast and then didnt' answer his text for 8 hours was probably a bit off-putting.

OP, I think you should make a bit of an effort now - phone / text him and ask him if he would like to go out again.

If he doesnt' respond positively your initial worries may have been correct.

If he does respond positively just put this incident out of your head and continue getting to know him at your own pace.

texthimornot

Thanks so much everyone for all your replies - many of you have made me see things as I hadnt seem them up to now and thanks.

Well I decided to apologise for any confusion my actions may have caused etc and I was told before I even had to elaborate too far that he just wants to be friends, that he is not ready for a long relationship, he is not in the right place, he wasnt expecting what happened to have happened etc etc. (I think he may still be upset over a girl he dated only a few months a year or two ago but which he was obviously very fond of). He made a good few efforts over the early years to ask me out but I was always with someone else or then if I wasnt he was. Guess he realised the grass is always greener and I obviously didnt live up to his expectations after all. Obviously ill get over it but I am very disappointed as I thought it was something that was always meant to be, that never got to happen and that finally did get to happen. Everything was going great until the last night and then just wham - bye. Suppose its a lesson learned, unfortunately I cant make him change his mind about how he feels and if anything I thought not sleeping with him asap was the right thing to do - that he might have more repect for me, that he wouldnt think I was using him....Suppose I must just be a little more old fashioned than I thought. Thanks again everyone

LegacyUser

turned down wrote: »

She's turned him down twice in his own bed.
He probably took that as a sign that his advances were unwelcome, and it was time to back off, so that's exactly what he did.

He can't read her mind. Her actions and her words were very different - sleeping in his bed, refusing to have sex with him. From his point of view the most likely outcome of him continuing to kiss and cuddle was further rejection and being accused of being a creep for pushing too hard.

You pushed him away, he backs off like you asked, and now you're annoyed ?!?
Poor guy can't win.

Thats your answer there, Take it from a man whose experiencing the same thing, you don’t sleep in a mans bed twice and refuse his advances and then expect him to be all lovey dovey, your messing with his head, you need to sort yourself out you sound like a head wrecker to me, he's better off without you, sorry but thats the truth.

Chinafoot

Honestly OP, lucky escape. Any man who expects sex like that at such an early stage and gets huffy when he doesn't get it is most likely far too immature for a relationship.

Not wanting to rush into sex doesn't make you old fashioned or prudish. If anything his view seems rather archaic.

I am a friend

fghijkl wrote: »

I don't understand why anyone would consider sharing a bed as = a guarentee of sex.

Cos this sadly is the new Ireland - food is expensive but sex is cheap... Its almost like you need to sign an affidavit these days to say 'I am not having sex on dates 1 to 20" or whatever or else (many) guys play the 'she was a tease' card. There is nothing wrong with sex but its too much of a bargaining chip these days between men and women...

neveah

I agree with Chinafoot, you had a lucky escape OP.

Imagine how you'd feel if you had slept with him and then he turned around and told you that he just wanted to be friends and he didn't want a long term relationship, you would feel 10 times worse! :eek:

I don't think things would have worked out differently if you had slept with him because if he really liked you and respected you he would have no issue waiting to sleep with you until you were ready especially as it had only been 4 dates. Don't ever feel pressured into something you are not comfortable with and if your gut instinct is telling you something about someone's behaviour then it's usually right so trust it.

At least you know exactly where you stand now, onwards and upwards my dear!:D

fghijkl

. Guess he realised the grass is always greener and I obviously didnt live up to his expectations after all. Obviously ill get over it but I am very disappointed as I thought it was something that was always meant to be, that never got to happen and that finally did get to happen. Everything was going great until the last night and then just wham - bye. Suppose its a lesson learned, unfortunately I cant make him change his mind about how he feels and if anything I thought not sleeping with him asap was the right thing to do - that he might have more repect for me, that he wouldnt think I was using him....Suppose I must just be a little more old fashioned than I thought. Thanks again everyone

Aw OP don't blame yourself, you're far from old fashioned or a prude.
From an outside perspective (him saying he wasn't looking for a long term relationship and the sex thing) I'd bet a lot of money he was pinning his hopes on you becoming a casual sex buddy type thing hence the coldness when he didn't get what he wanted, and the 'not being in the right place' stuff was an excuse to get out because he knew you weren't going to give it up as easily as he thought.

I don't think things would have worked out differently if you had slept with him because if he really liked you and respected you he would have no issue waiting to sleep with you until you were ready especially as it had only been 4 dates.

+1

Seriously you've had a lucky escape

Chucky the tree

I'd say your actions the next morning/day had far more to do with it then not giving him sex. Both of you seem far too immature for a relationship. In future you should learn to tell someone when you are pissed off rather then playing childish games.

dixiefly

countys32 wrote: »

Thats your answer there, Take it from a man whose experiencing the same thing, you don’t sleep in a mans bed twice and refuse his advances and then expect him to be all lovey dovey, your messing with his head, you need to sort yourself out you sound like a head wrecker to me, he's better off without you, sorry but thats the truth.

I am also a man and I dont agree. She was having her period ffs - he should have had the sensitivity and cop-on to realise that.

It doesnt sound like it was meant to be. Even if the OP had slept with him the strong likliehood is that he wouldnt have thought of the OP as "the one".

Distorted

OP - only you were there and know the nuances of his reaction to you. Your later behaviour was coloured by your own gut instinct and I would suggest its reliable to the extent that you have seen his natural behaviour in such situations. And its behaviour that is only going to manifest itself again. If it makes you that uncomfortable the first time you see it, what is the point of pursuing this man further?

He would have to be very dense not to realise you are upset, and very much after one thing only not to bother contacting you again after you were so close.

Some of the comments on here would make you think that the OP had done something terribly unforgiveable by "refusing him sex twice in his own bed". Perhaps the man in the OP's scenario thinks so too, in which case he is cutting off his own arm to spite himself by trying to apply such strict rules to affairs of the heart.

paraguay99

No guy wants to give a girl an IQ test.

Do you think he is with you so he can cuddle you all night? He wanted to have sex with you and you turned him down twice. He could have been with a girl who actually did want to have sex with him during that time.

He is "disgusting" for not wanting anything to do with you if you don't want to have sex with him? I say that's a disgusting attitude. There is only one reason most lads go on "dates". And that is to get laid. We don't really want to hear your political opinions or give you an IQ test. We are imaging what you look like naked when you are talking.

You have shunned sex with this guy twice. What's a relationship with you going to be like?? Yikes! Every time he wants to have sex, is he going to have to give a 10 minute presentation with powerpoint slides to convince you to have sex with him?

Don't be surprised in future if lads aren't interested in you if you are not putting out. Most of us are capable of easily finding someone who likes us enough to have sex with us and are fun people we enjoy being around, without sexual hangups.

amybabes

neveah wrote: »

I agree with Chinafoot, you had a lucky escape OP.

Imagine how you'd feel if you had slept with him and then he turned around and told you that he just wanted to be friends and he didn't want a long term relationship, you would feel 10 times worse! :eek:

I don't think things would have worked out differently if you had slept with him because if he really liked you and respected you he would have no issue waiting to sleep with you until you were ready especially as it had only been 4 dates. Don't ever feel pressured into something you are not comfortable with and if your gut instinct is telling you something about someone's behaviour then it's usually right so trust it.

At least you know exactly where you stand now, onwards and upwards my dear!:D

This happened to me this year and 100% it was worse. Believe me.
Met a guy at his house warming party, was actually my friend's house too so they were housemates. Got on really well. Swapped numbers. text and mailed all week. Met again the following sat, kissed. Saw him the monday, tues and weds, at this stage he was telling me he wanted me to meet so and so, begging me to stay the night, spoke about joining me for a weekend away i was going on 2 weeks later. I slept with him the weds, was soon for my standards - he text me after to say he had a huge smile on his face etc, few more texts. Was supposed to see him the next night but i was tired so cancelled, asked could we postpone. Was supposed yp meet him the sat and sunday but he postponed saying he was too tired after working all weekend, then nothing - no texts or calls. Then he did EXACTLY as your guy did. And i got the same speech almost word for word. WHATEVER!!

Be proud of the fact that you didn't sleep with him.
And come to the same conclusion I did - its really not you, it is HIM!
hold that head up - totally his loss.

BTW - i very casually was like yeah fine whatever when i got to the end of why he was being so cool. Even though i was really disappointed/felt **** about myself/was upset as i really liked him and he had been telling me all the time he was crazy about me/making plans then the next day he's as cold as ice. I'm too old for 16 year old mind games.(This happened in early October) We met quite a bit socially due to the fact he lived with a good friend and most nights we were drunk he'd text me or try and get me to go home with him which i took great pleasure in telling him to get stuffed (i wanted to as i still really liked him but was afraid he'd hurt me again)but I fell victim to his persistance in January and went home with him. Apparently (he told me the next day) when we were after getting to his room and about to get down to it, in my drunkeness i abused him and was WTF happened, i really liked you and you f**ked me over the second you got what you wanted, i would have prob been fine with a casual thing but you pursued me for something more meaningful and dumped me like a hot coal when you got what you wanted. I wish i could remember what he said but all i can remember is him shaking his head, looking genuinely hurt and saying is that what you think of me? AHHH YEAH BUDDY IT IS.... give me one good reason why i should think otherwise.

I still see him out the whole time, and we both still want each other but i'll never lower myself again. Men children like that never mature emotionally and i've had enough of feeling upset,confused,****e about myself etc

joseywhales

Man wants sex with possibly more, woman wants devotion with possibly more. Man predicts a hard battle and possible emasculation before sex. Woman fears loss of control and possibly being "used"

Man cuts loses, woman better off also, the end.

Good decisions all round.
It played out well.

It's happened to me and thousands of others many many times.

Motley Crue

fghijkl wrote: »

I don't understand why anyone would consider sharing a bed as = a guarentee of sex. I've shared many a bed with dates for loads of reasons taxi expensive, it had gotten too late, etc etc and i can hand on my heart say none of these men ever took sharing a bed as a sure sign sex was on the cards. Maybe i've just been really lucky? But it's just not my experience.

I don't know what to tell you, could be the way I was raised, but I wouldn't share a bed with a girl I wasn't going to have sex with. I'm in a relationship currently and I wouldn't share a bed with another girl for fear of offending (and with respect to) my girlfriend to be perfectly honest, but that's another question, and maybe it is just the way I was raised but I can never remember any of my friends saying they'd gone home one night and slept in the bed with a mutual friend of the opposite sex without there being some awkwardness or trouble associated with it. Most would just take the couch and offer their bed.

fghijkl wrote: »

Yes, i would never assume it was going to lead to sex, i'd assume we were just fooling around unless he suggested otherwise tbh, and i quite like the idea of just falling asleep with someone it's really nice and intimate especially in the early days of dating when you're just getting to know someone.

Nothing wrong with falling asleep next to someone, and if that's your opinion, that's absolutely fine. And as you say, if you've been in that situation, and you've come out the other side without a problem and never thinking a problem would arise then that's grand. Perhaps I have just led a bit of a sheltered life lol

fghijkl wrote: »

Why can't you share a bed with someone you aren't going to sleep with?

That's a good question, I'm trying to think of a good answer for you, and I suppose from my point of view I get the initial feeling it would be disrespectful. Maybe I have the problem I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't share a bed with my 64 year old Aunt, on the same level I wouldn't share a bed with a mid 20s blonde girl unless I was invited.

Maybe I've just never been invited where sex hasn't been involved. Or maybe I've just been doing the wrong things after I get into bed with these girls.

fghijkl wrote: »

I would see your not wanting to continue kissing/touching as a rejection of wanting intimacy with me.

Funny enough, I would consider it the opposite, I would figure that unless sex is going to happen then getting into bed and continuing to touch and kiss each other would just lead to trouble. Maybe my mother put the fear of God into me and I'm afraid of getting into bed with a girl unless she tells me upfront she wants to "go all the way" (excuse the language)

It's a funny world we live in, but it's given me time to think about a lot of things in relation to this, perhaps my outlook in future may change.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Any man who expects sex like that at such an early stage and gets huffy when he doesn't get it is most likely far too immature for a relationship.

I am a friend wrote: »

... Its almost like you need to sign an affidavit these days to say 'I am not having sex on dates 1 to 20" or whatever or else (many) guys play the 'she was a tease' card.

I want to just touch on this, because I can respect your opinion, but I have gone on a few first dates (admittedly fewer in Ireland with Irish girls) where myself and my date have made the decision to have sex.

Now, in most instances, I agree you end up rarely seeing that person for a second date, but that probably boils down to other issues. I think, for some men and some women (and of course that doesn't mean all men and all women) sex is an act we can enjoy together, and in this circumstance, is just a possible conclusion to a date - something we might both be in the mindset for, because we just have that desire at the time and on the night.

In regards to getting sulky or upset, I think he was just doing what the OP had asked, and backing off at that point and getting some sleep. I think body language and silence led the OP to think that there was a problem, and maybe there was, because he was thinking of his ex who he was fond of.

Distorted

paraguay99 wrote: »

No guy wants to give a girl an IQ test.

Do you think he is with you so he can cuddle you all night? He wanted to have sex with you and you turned him down twice. He could have been with a girl who actually did want to have sex with him during that time.

He is "disgusting" for not wanting anything to do with you if you don't want to have sex with him? I say that's a disgusting attitude. There is only one reason most lads go on "dates". And that is to get laid. We don't really want to hear your political opinions or give you an IQ test. We are imaging what you look like naked when you are talking.

You have shunned sex with this guy twice. What's a relationship with you going to be like?? Yikes! Every time he wants to have sex, is he going to have to give a 10 minute presentation with powerpoint slides to convince you to have sex with him?

Don't be surprised in future if lads aren't interested in you if you are not putting out. Most of us are capable of easily finding someone who likes us enough to have sex with us and are fun people we enjoy being around, without sexual hangups.

To be fair, he doesn't sound like a nice guy for any girl, other than those with quite low standards and possibly not that bright. From what the OP has described of him, he doesn't sound like a fun guy to be around. A bit of what I would think of as a "lowest common denominator" guy. One of those ones who leaves you feeling worse when you've spent time with him, rather than thinking back about what an enjoyable time you had together.

LOL at the men who are so innocent of women's bodies that they think having periods is a sexual hang up!

KnocKnocKnock

Let's look at it from his point of view.
He's friendly with a girl for six years, in college and also keeping in contact after college. You said that he "knows you well enough" to know some personal quirks of yours like not asking him out so it's not like you were strangers. Maybe he felt after those six years you had already built up the trust and banter that most strangers build up on the first few dates.

Based on the above, when it turned romantic and you went back to his house twice, he probably did feel like you were going to have sex. He's not "entitled" to it, but maybe he was just confused as to why it didn't and maybe he was annoyed and getting turned down when you are already undressed in bed and fooling around ( I know I would be and that doesn't make me a woman who's just after one thing.) He shouldn't have been sulky with you but maybe he felt it wasn't the right time to talk about it when you were lying in bed and he was feeling acutely embarrassed having just been rejected in bed twice now. Maybe he felt he would lash out and say something he shouldn't who knows.

The next day, he made you breakfast and told you he was planning to do what he did every Saturday but he also offered to watch a video with you, even if you felt it was half hearted. (So what if he wants to meet his friends at the gym as usual, why would that offend you?) You barely made any conversation, you didn't suggest meeting again and you were also supposed to text him that you got home safe but didn't so he texted you, meaning you were obviously on his mind. You ignored his later text and decided to "punish" him by not texting him until that night. Then there was no contact for 24 hours.
It seems to me as if YOU came across as uninterested. By all your talk of "punishing" him, "how you will come across" and wanting to send ambiguous messages you are coming across as quite manipulative. He probably picked up on this too and it is a major turn off.

If you want to meet a guy again, ask him. If he thinks you're desperate, that's his problem- at least you had the balls to go for what you want. If a guy suggests going back to his for the night and you don't want to have sex, just say "Ok, but just so there's no misunderstandings later, I don't feel ready to have sex yet/ have my period and don't want to have sex". If you feel like a guy is huffy/angry with you you can say "I feel like you're p*ssed off with me, is everything ok?" I feel like you could make it so much simpler on yourself if instead of playing mind games, you said what you are really thinking.

Corkblowin

Motley Crue wrote: »

I don't know what to tell you, could be the way I was raised, but I wouldn't share a bed with a girl I wasn't going to have sex with. I'm in a relationship currently and I wouldn't share a bed with another girl for fear of offending (and with respect to) my girlfriend to be perfectly honest, but that's another question, and maybe it is just the way I was raised but I can never remember any of my friends saying they'd gone home one night and slept in the bed with a mutual friend of the opposite sex without there being some awkwardness or trouble associated with it. Most would just take the couch and offer their bed.

I'm in the unusual situation of pretty much agreeing with distorted

I wouldn't say you led a sheltered life, but I've been the fella in the OP's situation, and I have shared my bed with a couple of female friends after nights out. I don't think theres anything wrong with it, in fact its a good sign that you are both comfortable and trust the other person enough to do so.

For me, one is purely a platonic relationship, while the others were after some dates, but we were always grown up enough for her to say out straight what point she didn't want go any further and for me to accept it! If he's getting into a huff because he doesn't get what he wants then it doesn't bode well for any adult relationships, but at the same time I think the OP should have spoken up about her feelings at the time and cleared the air face to face rather than being 'cool and polite' and then playing games with texts.

I suppose in summary what I'm saying is that I don't think the OP was wrong to stay with him, and I hope that if she's ever in that position again that she goes ahead, but maybe be a bit clearer communication at all times!

Kimia

paraguay99 wrote: »

No guy wants to give a girl an IQ test.

Do you think he is with you so he can cuddle you all night? He wanted to have sex with you and you turned him down twice. He could have been with a girl who actually did want to have sex with him during that time.

He is "disgusting" for not wanting anything to do with you if you don't want to have sex with him? I say that's a disgusting attitude. There is only one reason most lads go on "dates". And that is to get laid. We don't really want to hear your political opinions or give you an IQ test. We are imaging what you look like naked when you are talking.

You have shunned sex with this guy twice. What's a relationship with you going to be like?? Yikes! Every time he wants to have sex, is he going to have to give a 10 minute presentation with powerpoint slides to convince you to have sex with him?

Don't be surprised in future if lads aren't interested in you if you are not putting out. Most of us are capable of easily finding someone who likes us enough to have sex with us and are fun people we enjoy being around, without sexual hangups.

Oh my god. What an ignorant post - you do know that by posting this you're not actually defending men - you're making all men out to be sex-crazed neanderthals who are unable to carry on an adult conversation with a woman?

dixiefly

paraguay99 wrote: »

No guy wants to give a girl an IQ test.

Do you think he is with you so he can cuddle you all night? He wanted to have sex with you and you turned him down twice. He could have been with a girl who actually did want to have sex with him during that time.

He is "disgusting" for not wanting anything to do with you if you don't want to have sex with him? I say that's a disgusting attitude. There is only one reason most lads go on "dates". And that is to get laid. We don't really want to hear your political opinions or give you an IQ test. We are imaging what you look like naked when you are talking.

You have shunned sex with this guy twice. What's a relationship with you going to be like?? Yikes! Every time he wants to have sex, is he going to have to give a 10 minute presentation with powerpoint slides to convince you to have sex with him?

Don't be surprised in future if lads aren't interested in you if you are not putting out. Most of us are capable of easily finding someone who likes us enough to have sex with us and are fun people we enjoy being around, without sexual hangups.

I dont agree with this at all. Most guys I have been friends with over the years would not have that attitude and, though you may be younger, I suspect that most guys of your age group do not have as extreme a view either.

Liam Byrne

paraguay99 wrote: »

There is only one reason most lads go on "dates". And that is to get laid. We don't really want to hear your political opinions or give you an IQ test. We are imaging what you look like naked when you are talking.

100% disagree. Not going to argue the point, not going to even discuss it much, other than to say that going on dates is "to have fun", and whether or not that "fun" includes sex is undecided and definitely not expected.

paraguay99 wrote: »

Don't be surprised in future if lads aren't interested in you if you are not putting out. Most of us are capable of easily finding someone who likes us enough to have sex with us and are fun people we enjoy being around, without sexual hangups.

What's there to "like" if someone throws a strop the second they don't get their own way, and acts like a 2-year-old ?

That's fine if the woman wants a project, but if they want an adult relationship it's probably as much a turn-off as a woman who talks about moving in after a first date.

And I'd assume that most women are capable of finding someone who likes and respects them enough to realise that sex is a shared experience rather than an "but I waaaaaant it"........in fact, that's so "likeable" that I can only think of one person who would react to that particular scenario and the man-child would be the only one in the room when he was having sex.