Drifting along unhappily

LegacyUser

I feel like I'm just drifting along with my life at the moment and unhappily so. I'm in my early 30's, male, single, and I often kind of just feel bored and a bit fed-up with things. I'm living in a big city here in Ireland but I get bored with it sometimes and I occasionally feel like moving home (to a rural area). Although that would mean moving back in with my parents which wouldn't be an issue but I know it's not something I want to do.

I'm deeply unhappy in my job and I'm trying to find another one but so far I've not had much luck. I'm currently overweight but doing something about it but even so, it will still take several months and probably up to a year to get to my ideal weight.

I'm single and I've never had a serious relationship. I've always had issues with confidence and self-esteem and I never had any success with women until recently. I haven't been sleeping around or anything, but the girls I've seen I've only been within a month or two and then things seem to fizzle out. I'm due to go meet a girl from an internet dating site tomorrow night but I'm already convincing myself it won't go well. She looks incredibly hot from her pictures and my first reaction was "why on earth is she emailing me?". She's seen my pictures but I've already convinced myself she won't be interested to the point where I've actually went and got someone else's number, so much am I convinced that tomorrow night's meeting won't become anything.

I just get so bored and fed-up and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've developed an interest in a sport recently and I'm planning on joining a club that caters for that sport so I guess that will be something to keep me occupied but part of me wonders that no matter what I do, I will just be pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in the bottom.

I feel like I've very little "get up and go" about me and I rarely seem to get excited over anything. I kind of feel like there is something missing in my life but I don't know what it is. I'm not talking about something material either. I don't know, just something that makes things seem worthwhile rather than just drifting along day to day.

Sorry for rambling on and I know this post is vague. I just kind of feel like I'm going along with no real goals or anything and I guess I feel unhappy in general, but I don't know what to do about it.

I did go to my doctor over a year ago as I thought I might be suffering from depression. He told me he didn't think I was clinically depressed but that there was potential there. He did suggest I go talk to a psychologist about my issues with confidence and anxiety but I never did.

Has anyone else felt like this? Were you able to change it and if so, how?

Fentdog84

No your not alone OP, feel like this myself from time to time. We live in this modern world where everyone is supposed to be all happy clappy knowing what they want sporting million dollar smiles. Best thing you can do is make a list of things you'd like to do and what makes you happy. Obviously keep it realistic not stuff like winning the lotto or becoming a professional footballer. Stuff like what you want career wise, relationships, places you'd like to go, charity work or other activities. Make a 5-10 year plan of stuff you want to achieve and set out the steps to achieving those targets. If something isnt happening just carry on and set new targets. If you decide for example, you want to go bungee jumping over the river nile, set a deadline to do it, then just do it, otherwise you'll be in your 60's and you'll regret that you never did it. Just start living and enjoy it. Hope that helps

aloofasc

You are definitely not alone on your feelings. Reading your post felt like I could of writen it myself. Hope the date worked out

Prop Joe

Jesus dude,Its like my life story...

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.

AdmiralRazor

Maybe the thing you're missing is hope.

LegacyUser

op here

Thanks for the replies so far, especially fentdog. I like what you have said and I really should try and do something along the lines of what you mentioned.

As for the date, it went ok, but we won't be meeting up again. I'm not that bothered about it to be honest as we got on well but we both could tell there was no real future there. It's nice to be saying that and it not being to save face either.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that you may feel slightly isolated in your feelings, but I reckon everyone feels the same as you sometimes - or even all of the time about certain aspects of their lives. It's hard when all of those feelings are present at once though.

Kind of related to what fentdog said, I think a lot of people present a calm duck exterior to the world, but paddling like fcuk underneath! I've got a lot better than I used to be about talking to my friends about aspects of my life that I'm not happy about - and I've found it amazing how when you open up like that to people, how they open up in return. I found it an eye opener in terms of what is going on under the surface with other people.

I love fentdog's plan about making lists of stuff you want to do - I'm a big fan of lists! Writing stuff like that down forces you to really think about what you want (after staring at a blank page for ages!).

The other thing I wanted to say is that it is sometimes easy to drift along in terms of people/social events - or to think 'meh, that was ok'. But if you start to make an effort to find something enjoyable in social situations and people, you get so much back! I sound all Pollyanna about that, and I don't mean be all falsely happy clappy; but I find (as someone who would be inclined toward sitting in a corner, and thinking 'meh' in the past) that if you try to see some positive stuff and engage with people, you get so much back that it increases your own enjoyment/interest. I guess everyone tends to like someone who likes them!

And I'm not on the happy pills! I just had to change my outlook on life a bit, having been a scaredy cat and slightly cynical in the past! - I'm only like that, eh, some of the time now!

LegacyUser

Don't worry... wrote: »

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that you may feel slightly isolated in your feelings, but I reckon everyone feels the same as you sometimes - or even all of the time about certain aspects of their lives. It's hard when all of those feelings are present at once though.

Kind of related to what fentdog said, I think a lot of people present a calm duck exterior to the world, but paddling like fcuk underneath! I've got a lot better than I used to be about talking to my friends about aspects of my life that I'm not happy about - and I've found it amazing how when you open up like that to people, how they open up in return. I found it an eye opener in terms of what is going on under the surface with other people.

I love fentdog's plan about making lists of stuff you want to do - I'm a big fan of lists! Writing stuff like that down forces you to really think about what you want (after staring at a blank page for ages!).

The other thing I wanted to say is that it is sometimes easy to drift along in terms of people/social events - or to think 'meh, that was ok'. But if you start to make an effort to find something enjoyable in social situations and people, you get so much back! I sound all Pollyanna about that, and I don't mean be all falsely happy clappy; but I find (as someone who would be inclined toward sitting in a corner, and thinking 'meh' in the past) that if you try to see some positive stuff and engage with people, you get so much back that it increases your own enjoyment/interest. I guess everyone tends to like someone who likes them!

And I'm not on the happy pills! I just had to change my outlook on life a bit, having been a scaredy cat and slightly cynical in the past! - I'm only like that, eh, some of the time now!

Thanks for the reply. Just wondering how you got around being the scaredy cat bit? That's something I identify with quiet a lot and I know I'm letting my inner scaredy cat get the better of me far too much.

Also, what type of stuff did you put on your list? I can see my page being blank for quite a while!

I'm definitely very "meh" about a lot of things. Not sure if that's just a symptom of me or the things I find myself doing.

LegacyUser

It was the sharp horrible shock of a break-up of a long term relationhip! It really made me sit up and ask myself lots of hard questions, and change my approach to life. I don't recommend it as a motivator!! - but in so many ways, I'm really glad I had to do this. My regret is that I didn't do it years before.

It sounds trite, but all I can say is to just DO things - a social event you might ordinarily not go to, maybe go to the cinema on your own, attend something with another person that they want to go to, even somethihg that you don't think you like! I think you (and I mean me too!) need to break the habit of being in a bit of a rut of drifting along in a cloud of low level unhappiness. I certainly wasn't aware of how this affected how others saw me, it sounds stupid but I didn't see myself this way, and I never thought that others did either. I

I don't mean you should be faking happiness or enthusiasm that you don't feel, but I think it is important for yourslf, and relationships with other people, to at least be willing to give things a go with an open mind. For me anyway, I found myself doing stuff that I wouldn't have done in the past, having more things to chat to people about, and sometimes surprising myself about things I liked.

It's too easy to be that person who sits in a corner, even though you know it isn't making you happy. It defo takes a lot of effort to turn things around, but it is really worth it! Re lists, I make the most ridiculously long lists of everything! Granted, lots of things on it are totally unrealistic / will never happen - but the more achievable things do and will. Sometimes even writing stuff down makes you think of maybe related things you'd like ... and kinda makes you think of why you'd like to do certain things, and if a few things are related, you can find yourself making little plans already re how to do them - an easy example is travel; a harder thing is to say that in ten yrs time, I want to be in x position in life ... and work out backwards from where you want to be, to list out everthing tht needs to change. Haven't quiet sorted that one yet!!

Just don't let yourseslf do the drifting thing, it's a waste of a perfectly good and potentially happy life. And it really does come down to trying hard to not letting yourself!

All the best!

LegacyUser

op again

The replies are much appreciated and useful. I guess I need to make up a list of things I want to do. I guess I have a couple of things that just immediately to mind, like losing weight and getting to my ideal weight. That's a big one for me. I doubt it will suddenly make the world right but it's something that has been holding me back for years.

As for other things I want to do... Bring on the blank sheet of paper, although I've a feeling it will stay blank for quite a while! One thing I've always wanted to do is go live in America and work for a certain company doing a certain job. It's frustrating as I've been looking into that option before and getting a work visa is extremely difficult. There are easier options to getting a visa but they require getting a permanent job with the same company here first and in some ways, that's even more difficult.

At least the fitness and weight thing I can go about and work on straight away.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to follow up on things.

I think it's been about a month since I posted my original thread and I haven't really made any huge differences. I've found recently that I get quite bored with stuff, or just can't be bothered. Or perhaps I've been like that for quite a while.

For example it's currently mid week. On Monday I could have went to a concert to see a band I like but I didn't go. I could have booked a ticket when it was first announced but didn't bother and then it was sold out and even then, I still wasn't that pushed. Last night I could have and should have went to my sports club but didn't. Now tonight I could have went to another concert (that's not sold out so I could easily have got a ticket) or went to a going away drinks and I decided to avoid both and not do anything.

Is anyone else like this? I don't think I'm depressed but it seems to take an awful lot to get me interested in something, or anything. And a lot of the time I just can't be bothered. I don't think that's a good way to be but I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want to be all fake and hyped up about something that I'm not really into, but at the same time I never seem to do anything.

I was talking to one of my sisters at the weekend and she was telling me about all the different concerts and things she was going to and I was thinking to myself "I never do anything".

I know the simple answer is "just go do something then". But what do you do when you just don't feel that bothered about most stuff?

So many times in my life I've booked tickets to things and then just not bothered going and completely wasted the money. I hate doing that so I'm really trying not to book anything anymore unless I'm 100% certain I am going to go. If I'm not, I don't book it.

Just wondering is anyone else like this?