17 year old staying over in boyfriends place

LegacyUser

Would really appreciate some advice please before a bad situation gets any worse.
My 17 year old daughter sent me a message late last night asking if she could stay over at her 20 year old boyfriend’s house saying “Nothing will happen”.

She has been seeing this chap for almost a year and knows him since primary school. He’s from a good family and I’m happy enough about the relationship. Although she has stayed over in his parent’s house before (separate rooms) he has now moved out to his own place which changes everything.


I have asked her numerous times if she will come to the gp’s to talk about contraception but she says there’s no need as she’s not ‘doing anything’.

We generally get on very well but she got mad at me last night when I wouldn’t agree for her to stay over and sent me a couple of abusive texts. I told her if her boyfriend had any respect for her he wouldn’t even suggest she stay over. I have older children but have never had a similar situation with them before.

I’m so afraid she will get pregnant. I’m parenting alone since she was only 3 years old and really don’t know how to reach an agreement with her on this one. I know she was considerate to text and ask in the first place too. Would appreciate replies from young people in similar situations too.

Thanks in advance

spinandscribble

At 17 I think shes taking the micky asking to spend the night at her bfs and thats coming from a 24 year old who's mom was liberal enough.

She's taking the micky even more to think she can ask that while refusing to take the pill. Maybe shes a virgin but shes at an age things move fast and she cant tell what she'll be up to next week.

However I think the only deal you can muster is no pill= no overnight visits

truth be told, the fact she cant sleep over won't stop them from having sex. legally she's in her right to consent to sex and you can't stop her, only guide her to make the right choices.

Acoshla

I'm 26, did this kind of thing when I was her age, this might already be obvious to you but she text late last night when she was already there because she figured the chances of you saying no were slimmer, if it's late you mightn't want her travelling home alone, or you mightn't bother to collect her, etc, whereas if she had asked you earlier in the day when she was at home you could easily have said no. The fact that she did it this way would be enough to make me (and this is exactly what my mother would have done ) say no way in hell, I'll be outside to collect you in 20 minutes.

I wouldn't be asking her to come to the GP about contraception, I would be telling her that she has to sit down right now and listen to you tell her about contraception options, the consequences of unprotected sex etc, and giving her condoms if you felt they were needed. She can tell you all she wants that nothing is going to happen but if she does stay over are you telling me that at 2am when her horny 20 year old boyfriend tries to make a move that she's going to say no?

I was a pretty well behaved teenager, had one long term relationship from 13 to 18, I didn't sleep with him until I was 17 and on the pill and always used condoms, so I genuinely did what she is promising, and I still wouldn't trust her. My long term boyfriend ended up cheating on me, I didn't know that he was sleeping with a ton of people, if I had had unprotected sex I could've caught all sorts from him, she needs to know that pregnancy is of course a huge risk but there are plenty sexually transmitted reasons that she needs to be aware of, and these can be passed through skin to skin contact, she doesn't have to be having sex to catch them.

I did actually go to a GP with my mom when I was 16 to get the pill so I was obviously quite cooperative (and terrified of having a baby), but you need to get across to her that she needs to listen to you and she needs to do it now, if she shows you that she is mature enough to have a proper sexual relationship then she is mature enough for you to entertain the possibility of her spending the night.

LegacyUser

Teenagers will always do the oppossite what their parents say despite the best efforts,as rest say shes legal age now and what will be will be,its good to talk about safe sex,if shes able to use a computer you could save money from going to the docs and direct her to this site which has all the facts about the different contraceptions

http://www.thinkcontraception.ie/

Spadina

Spadina wrote: »

I did actually go to a GP with my mom when I was 16 to get the pill so I was obviously quite cooperative (and terrified of having a baby), but you need to get across to her that she needs to listen to you and she needs to do it now, if she shows you that she is mature enough to have a proper sexual relationship then she is mature enough for you to entertain the possibility of her spending the night.

Yes, me too. You can't take no for an answer here, you need to sit her down and discuss contraception with her and go to the gp or WW clinic with her. She may already have it sorted in which case you should tell her you don't mind if she already does as long as she does.
Getting abusive texts in response means she is acting a little immature about this and you should maybe point that out as well.

Point out to her that even if she is "not doing anything" now, wouldn't she be happier to have the contraception sorted now so that whenever she does want to do something, it's all sorted already.

To be honest, if she's ready to have sex, she's probably already doing it.

I think you'd be better off playing friend than foe on this one. God forbid something did happen, it's probably better that she felt that she could come and talk to you.

If you think you'll be able to broach the subject with her, tell her about STDs. She no doubt already knows about them, but I think it's not really talked about properly in schools. In schools it's very much "if you get an std you could end up not able to have children", even though most 17 year olds aren't at all concerned with having children. Use an approach that would actually get to a teenager. That if you catch something, you'd have to tell every person you ever sleep with that you have a disease, and how bad that would be. That some STDs can't be cured, such as herpes or HIV. That herpes are the same as cold sores, painful lumps on the skin that come back every time you don't want them to. That it could affect every relationship in her life. When I was 17, that seemed far worse to me than the prospect of getting pregnant.

I know I'll get a lot of stick for saying this, but I think she might actually be better off without the pill. I didn't go on the pill until I was 19, even though I started having sex at 16. It was because at 16 I had a boyfriend who said he "didn't like condoms". I always insisted on them. If I had have gone on the pill, he would have used it as an excuse to pressure me into unprotected sex. I knew I wouldn't have the strength to fight him on it if I was on the pill, because I'd have to admit that I thought there was a chance I could catch something from him, rather than just get pregnant. As far as I can tell, 80% of teenage boys, even the nice ones, will use the line "I just hate condoms". A lot of teenage boys see the pill as being an excuse to give up condoms.

Kanoe

I have a 17 year old who just split with her b/f because he was starting to put pressure on her, so it is the age where you are going to start being concerned. I absolutely wouldn't allow her to stay over at his place, especially a 20yr old and with re the pill I would suggest letting your gp talk to her about her options. Mine has actually wanted to go on the pill since she was 15 because doc recommended for heavy period at the time but I thought she was too young and wanted to wait til the time was right

I know she wants to be trusted op but the thing is I wouldn't trust any fella out there with my daughter. Safety first.

OS119

spinandscribble wrote: »

At 17 I think shes taking the micky asking to spend the night at her bfs and thats coming from a 24 year old who's mom was liberal enough....

at 17 the Law says she can have sex with whoever she wants - and she knows it. the OP would be best off recognising that fact and building a 'for fcuks sake don't get pregnant' strategy round it.

OP, you need to understand that you don't have many sticks to wield (she is within spitting distance of adulthood, and has a long-term boyfriend who has his own place - if you press too hard she'll be shacked up with him in the blink of an eye), so you need to drop the 'mum' act and become 'older sister', and you'll need to, as in any relationship of equals, do a trade. pretend to be happy with the relationship, pretend to be happy that she's experiencing a new facet of life (the going out with a bloke who's got his own place bit), encourage her to plan such things openly, rather than 'ive missed the bus' type shenannigans - and in return press the safe-sex thing. yes its mortifying, yes its absolutely not what you want, but you have far more chance of her acting like an adult if you treat her like one - its not guarenteed, but its more likely than if you treat her like the child she no longer is.

you can either have some of what you want, and some of what you don't want, or you can have none of what you want. i would suggest that her having safe sex with her BF while primarily living at home with a 'cool' mum who she feels she can talk to because she treats her like an adult is vastly better than her having unsafe sex while living with her BF after storming out of your house...

true-or-false

true-or-false wrote: »

I know I'll get a lot of stick for saying this, but I think she might actually be better off without the pill. I didn't go on the pill until I was 19, even though I started having sex at 16. It was because at 16 I had a boyfriend who said he "didn't like condoms". I always insisted on them. If I had have gone on the pill, he would have used it as an excuse to pressure me into unprotected sex. I knew I wouldn't have the strength to fight him on it if I was on the pill, because I'd have to admit that I thought there was a chance I could catch something from him, rather than just get pregnant. As far as I can tell, 80% of teenage boys, even the nice ones, will use the line "I just hate condoms". A lot of teenage boys see the pill as being an excuse to give up condoms.

Oh lord, I've never come across this but I've heard it.
Get this one into her head as well op - pill is NOT a substitute for condoms

carlybabe1

hey OP, this is defo a tricky one. while on the one hand, ideally you would like her to hold off, realistically, if shes with him almost a year she probably already is having sex. She might be worried about getting fat on the pill (the horror stories always circulate) but if you explain to her that there are different options then insist that she goes. On that i wouldnt compromise. But either way, i would talk to her one adult to another, maybe if you ok it for him to sleep over too she may be more willing to negotiate...good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your replies. Thing is she is extremely well informed re STI's and how pregnancy happens etc. And can somtimes quote/correct re same if a degate on tv for example.

I'm actually a youthworker and deliver workshops on safe sex and negotiating with young people as part of my job! And they tell me I'm sound and cool.

So she is very much aware of the facts. And has been amazed at young girls stupidity at getting pregnant. We have very open chats as a family and I don't think she's embarrassed at all.

She seems to have thought things through and has decided not to have a physical relationship with her boyf. I can't or don't want to force her to go on the pill even though she also has painful periods and her GP has suggested it.

However the thing I'm trying to get through to her is DESIRE! And as Sunflower has said how things can 'happen' very quickly, even with the best laid plans.

I've never felt out of my depth as a mum before but I'm stumped!

I'll see can I chat to her later, things are still a bit frosty atm!
Thanks everyone for the advice so far.

carlybabe1

Perhaps shes worried that if shes on the pill, she will have no excuse to hold her boyfriend at arms length. Maybe she thinks that if he knew she was on the pill he might start to pressure her into having sex (it sounds like shes not yet)
If you tell her she doesnt have to tell him shes on it she might be more comfortable the. Also, maybe consider the pill injection? its so easy to mess up on the pill, anti-biotics or a tummy bug can render them useless

Moonbeam

Is she in college or school?

Esoteric_

If she's finished 6th year, I'd let her to be honest. I started being allowed stay over with my boyfriend once I'd finished school and we were past the 6 month mark, when I was 17. I couldn't go on the pill due to medical reasons, so I used condoms.

Tbh, 17 is a pretty normal age for sex. I don't think you can stop her from having sex if that's what she wants, but I definitely think you need to know she has contraception if she's staying over. I'd let her go on the condition that she goes on the pill or buys condoms, preferably both.

solovely

Before transition year was introduced, most teenagers (outisde of Dublin) were moving out of home at 17 anyway, so there was not much parents could do then.

Sounds like you are doing everything right and your daughter is trying to now. Sounds like you've both been very mature in your approach, and if you are open and honest, and she says she is not having a physical relationship, then all you can do is believe her.

They are probably just sharing a bed and cuddling and hard enough as it is to believe, it's not impossible. I know with the boyfriend I lost my virginity to (I was living away from home and in college), we had shared a bed for the night numerous times before we ever had sex.

Most teenagers who are having sex aren't going it overnight in their boyfriend's beds anyway - its in the back of cars or in parks or even down the back of discos. It sounds like your daughter is being really mature about everything, and I think for your sake, the best you can do is keep being honest and open and hope that she will come talk to you when she is ready to take her relationship to a physical level.

One part of me worries that by going on and on about contraception, you could almost make her feel weird or abnormal for not having a physical relationship with him, make her feel as though she should be!!

Good luck! And I'm pretty sure you won't be a Granny for a long time to come

LegacyUser

She's in 6th year, doing her Leaving Cert, not terribly studious but is trying her best, so no complaints there.

I'm not trying to stop her having sex at all. In fact I think they're lucky to have somewhere comfortable and safe where they can take their time and enjoy, when the time is right. When I was her age you needed a prescription for condoms!! So maybe fear of an unplanned pregnancy has never left me..the nuns did a good job..

Its just if they get a bit carried away some night I would be happier if she had more reliable contraception ALONG with condoms. but I guess I have to take her at her word, she has assured me that when she's ready she will visit the gp.

Thanks again for taking the time to advise everyone, much appreciated

Esoteric_

I completely see where you're coming from. If she's still in 6th year, I'd be inclined to tell her to wait until after her exams, and then let her now and then after that. I also understand wanting to have 2 forms of contraception, but if she or he know how to put on a condom properly, you know as well as I do that the risk is negligible. For 5 years, it has been the only form of contraception I could use due to medical reasons, and I never once had an "accident" because I'm vigilant about using it correctly.

She sounds pretty level headed to be honest, so as long as you're guaranteed she has at least one form of contraception with her, I'd let her, once her exams are over.

fungun

I think you sound like you are dealing with it pretty well tbh so dont feel 'out of your depth'!

A lot of her decisions and level headedness probably come from parental example and you have to hope how you have brought her up comes into play here. Within 6 months she will be at a time in her life where staying out overnight might become the norm so its not her maturity/decision making you are questioning.

Id perhaps talk to her about how you are worried that staying over might put her in a difficult situation with her bf....maybe also that starting to overnight with him is not something to do in the run up to her exams, in terms of dealing with any stress from it.

amybabes

Hi Op.

Was only talking to my mum about this lately.

When I was 17 and a half, I started seeing my first serious bf at the end of August (just as I started 6th year). I was on the pill since 16, we both agreed on that, and we started staying at each other's houses after about 6 months due to the fact he lived about 20 mins drive away and sometimes his mum had his car for night shifts as a nurse.

My house - seperate rooms only, although we did manage to sneak in and out before anyone was up most of the time. My mum and dad would have been strict enough, i was the eldest and only girl. He wasn't allowed near my bedroom any time.
His house - he lived with just his mum and nanny and we got away with murder. There was no spare bedroom so stayed in his room anytime i stayed over. Which wasn't a lot unless i was "staying at a friend's house" etc. But we did a fair amount of day time "lovin" when the granny was watching tv next door!!

To be honest, we were going to have sex any way we could when we were 17 and we did! Be it in a car, a friends house, outdoors etc - they'll find a way!

But difference here is that we were the same age so when he moved out at 20 to his own rented house, i was also 20 and had been away at uni for a full year already in a different city. But when i came home at the weekends, my mum was STILL reluctant that i stayed in his house with him so i ended up coming home most nights, be it at 3 or 4 in the morning.

Her point was that she didn't want to see me "shacking up" with someone so young and during college, when i was home for 2 nights, she wanted to see a bit of me rather than me coming in, dropping my bags and going straight out the door. At 20, i was well an adult and able to make my own decisions but to make my life easier i actually obeyed her.
I always had that respect for her though. We had our fair share of fights over it though..... and i remember she kicked me out one weekend when i didn't come home, she told me i could live with him if i wanted to. So i think i lasted that weekend and the next, playing house, revelling in my new found freedom.....then realised i had to buy my own food, do my own washing, no fresh ironed clothes or pocket money for the week.....so i was back with my tail between my legs the next week.

But upto when i had my leaving cert done, I was under house arrest, i was left out on a Friday evening and Saturday evening only for the whole of 6th year, the rest of the week I was in after school study and at home every evening.
I think you are well within your rights to ask her to cop on until the end of next month!

But my brothers who are now 21 and 18 are a complete different story - they have bested my mother to the point where she has no fight left in her! I go mad when i hear how lapse she has become and how strict they were with me. There's been a few different girls brought home to our house after nights out. Whatever about a serious boyfriend staying over etc, what about an array of one night stands being brought into your house! (or your daughter being one!)

Just before i left home at 22 I had to drop one girl home the day after halloween, she was standing in my kitchen in an ann summers nurse outfit with my brother passed out in bed and my ma giving her the evil eye. She was only about 18 i remember thinking where does she tell her parents she stays or do they not care!

My current partner was allowed have his gf stay in his room at 14! I think that's so wrong. "Goodnight mam and dad, we're just going upstairs to have sex!" Kind of creepy really!

Seeing as i had it so strict there's no way my kids will be left go at it under my roof!

The one thing that puzzles me is why, if you actually suggested it, does she not want to go on the pill! It is absolutely the best thing for everyone. Condoms are expensive, and whenever i was off the pill and using them, i used have to go for the morning after pill every now and again. Just too risky. Maybe press this issue with her.

Good luck! This is why i only want boys!