I hate myself and am depressed

LegacyUser

I am 17.
I do hate myself right now because I can think of no reason to be happy.
My life is pathetic.

My peers dislike me and I have strong reasons and many to believe this so you needn't ask for evidence.
I have not even kissed a girl in 3 years.
I am scrawny, lanky and spotty and cant stand to look at myself for extended periods.
I have few friends. Those I have dislike me increasingly.
I am overloaded with work I have put off due to a lack of motivation. I am depressed and cannot work, putting me under more pressure.
I have no skills or abilities.
I have an ever increasing lack of faith in God.
I am shy and have trouble talking to strangers, in front of a group,new people, at interviews...etc.
I have warts and verrucas which refuse to leave for anything and physically pain me and their presence is a major downer for me.
My separated parents are both unemployed and we now live on social welfare.

To be honest I would probably kill myself if I weren't academically gifted. School life has recently become a pain too though, after failing to get onto my student council, something i'd always banked on, I realised how overlooked, unnoticed, disliked and rejected I was, by both students and teachers alike. Do you know what it feels like to Fail at the one thing you're good at? It's the most desperate thing. I hate school now and am absolutely unmotivated to continue on, you could say I've fallen at the last hurdle or if I want to feel sorry for myself, someone tripped me. I don't exist anymore. I make no impact anywhere. I am envious of everyone and hate myself.

I can't possibly see out my leaving cert as sad as this and achieve all I want to. I am lost, depressed, despairing and I don't know what to do with myself.

thefeatheredcat

what can you do with yourself? Rise above everything you feel and every obstacle in your path.

I hated secondary school... I loved the school work that interested me, but I hated the people. And I felt ugly too as I had really bad acne (which I hated myself for) and went through many humiliating moments in class and school because of it and had very few friends to the point I spent much lunchtimes dumping my school lunch and either crying in the toilets or burying my nose in a book in the library because I was so unhappy.

I was an average-ish student with potential and an excellent record for most things. I do know what it's like to be overlooked in many ways (in life generally, in friendships, in work and in relationships) but one thing I remember from school was that I applied to be a prefect and while my record was perfect - nothing could be faulted on that - I was overlooked on the basis of lacking confidence and such things. They didn't think I could cut it although I had the skills for it all and otherwise a model student with generally good rapport with teachers and students generally, wasn't a messer and took the serious stuff serious and worked hard. Some who ended up getting it either took it too seriously or wasted it, same as what some did on the student council.

You say that you have no skills or abilities... i refuse to believe that. You have the ability to be upfront and honest with what you have said about yourself and how you feel about your situation. And no doubt you have hidden and undiscovered talents and interests that could be hidden to you presently because of your situation and the stresses you face and because some may not come to light for some time on your journey.

There are things you put yourself down about that you don't need to be worried about, or so hard on yourself about. Actually, don't be so hard on yourself at all. You should count yourself lucky in a way to find yourself feeling this way now because whether or not you realise it or not, you've already highlighted your own strength in admitting your situation and you can change this now in your life. Better now at 17 and along the way in life rather than it hitting you years down the road because you will be able to deal with it and evolve yourself, and especially if you feel this way again somewhere you'll be much more able to cope and deal with it than others facing it for the first time.

If you don't have anyone or anything to motivate you, you have to motivate yourself and you can do that by asking yourself, what do you really want from life and make it happen for yourself through motivating yourself to aim for that and cut through as many obstacles as possible to achieve that.

So you didn't get student council - ok well you can look at that from the point that takes certain stresses and pressures off you to focus on your study and other things, plus should you continue into 3rd level or plc course, you could take that option again for a class rep and be part of the student union or aim for student president. And even further along in life you may find similar roles as that popping up.

I don't know if any of that is a comfort or consolation to you but what I really want to say is don't let these issues you face now stop you from having a future or believing in yourself and being the success you are supposed to be. You may have been passed over in one role, but that makes way for a bigger role to come in life that could be more challenging and rewarding than anything else.

Get yourself help in dealing with your depression, get some support and find as many positive things as you can whether you read it, listen to it or watch it or interact with it. I keep posting this in a lot of posts, but do look up google's jolly good fellow, Meng. I came across him again about a month ago through a presentation of his that was posted online at a time when I was still lost and was in very low spirits and facing down depression again. It was uplifting reading some of his things.

You have the power within you to change things for yourself if you really want to and it starts with a positive attitude towards yourself. So I say, in echoing lots of positive things I read, be kinder to yourself, be good to yourself, don't be so hard on yourself and don't beat yourself up so much. You have a lot to look forward to in life and any bad times you will be strong from what you are dealing with now to deal with then, but the future ultimately is wide open for you.

LegacyUser

Hey there
I'm not going to be able to give as good advice as the previous poster but I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone.
So I'm 16 and basically the girl version of everything you have said. I just want to say that you sound like such a grounded and geniune person. I think you have to see past the next few difficult months. School is hard enough, let alone feeling the way you are. I know what its like feeling sick at the thoughts of going to school everyday, and confronting people who constantly exclude you and put you down. But like you said you're academically gifted.. so many people would love to be like you! Seriously. People can be so immature in Secondary school and thats the problem really. People just pretend to be something they are not, and really underneath it all they are miserable. But you really have strenght, you dont try to be something your not. Really all you are lacking is the confidence.. I know its easy for me to say but confidence is something that you can get back. You can change your outlook, you have the control over your life.
Do the study, get the best leaving cert you can, and do whatever you want to do. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it
I think your after taking the first step now coming on here. You want to change how you feel. That motivation you need, its there! All you need to do believe in yourself. You have so much ahead of you.. youre still only young
As my mam says to me there is a fix for everything.. even those warts and verrucas! I had those on my hands and feet.. absolutely hated them!! But went to the doctor and got them frozen off.. Would seriously reccommend it
Do you talk to anyone about how you feel? If not I would seriously reccommend talking to a counsellor. I've been seeing one for a couple of weeks now and I think its great. Just having someone there to listen and someone who understands and will do everything in their power to help you. You sound like you just need to meet the right group of people who will make you realise how great you are again. Instead of listing out your bad points, list out your good points. Please just keep fighting on because you have so much ahead of you and you deserve to be happy!

I wish you all the best

LegacyUser

Thank you both,

It is much appreciated and I will try to believe in myself more and find the motivation to better myself. I can't say I'm not going to stop disliking those who deny me opportunities or pretend that I enjoy school, because I don't. I do however appreciate that these WILL or should be the best days of my life and I aim to rebuild myself this summer. I'm not going to lie, I am going to be upset about the prefect thing for a very long time. Every time they are given duties to do and attend events, go to meetings, etc. I feel so uninvolved. It kills me inside, and knowing that I can't have that experience, those experiences, principal references and the rest, it's incredibly frustrating.

Anyway, like you said, I hope this allows me to ready myself for a bigger role, I should probably make the best of what I have. I feel better already thanks to you and I'll try to struggle through all of this. I'm still waiting for my luck to turn for the better.

thefeatheredcat

LostAndDepressed wrote: »

Every time they are given duties to do and attend events, go to meetings, etc. I feel so uninvolved. It kills me inside, and knowing that I can't have that experience, those experiences, principal references and the rest, it's incredibly frustrating.

Anyway, like you said, I hope this allows me to ready myself for a bigger role, I should probably make the best of what I have.

You can still get involved in it but in a different way by supporting their ideas or helping out if they need extra people for things. And in any case there are some businesses have committees or work groups for things and things like that - maybe being involved in local and volunteer opportunities might be an avenue you can take during the summer? I'm a firm believer that everyone has something to offer and something to bring to the table that can always prove to be valuable.

The main thing is to believe in yourself, as yournotalone said. Believe in yourself, your ideas, that you have value and that your opinion counts and that you do, by your very existence, make a difference.

Your luck will turn for the better, hard to believe sometimes I know, but trust me, it will. It takes strong people to swim against the current in life, to battle upstream to get what you want. You have it in you, you just got to know how to use it.